Emotional exhaustion.

I'm exhausted.

I completed my first year as a faculty member doing teaching, research, service, mentoring, and now the cycle begins again.

As great as Jay is, the more we get to know each other, the more differences I see between us. Our communication styles, our culture of community (I guess that's the same thing), our values and interests (diet, health), and I'm less optimistic about a future as I was before.

I adore Jay but seeing each other weekly is also taking its toll on me. Weekly 2.5 hour drives (ONE-WAY!) is too much for me. He is bringing 2 of his friends to town this weekend and staying at my place (while my mom's here). They want to go hiking and the timing couldn't be worse. To begin, I'm still in the midst of moving! Secondly, I can't hike because my hip is injured! Also... isn't that a bit selfish? Bringing his troop to do fun things in my backyard when I can't even participate in those activities?

I just want a break from everything and everyone. The events of this year exhaust me, and can be summarized as working a gajillion hours a week followed by being a weekend (full-time) girlfriend. I need a weekend solo. I need a week solo.

I saw this article and it validated so much of my feelings, reactions, and thoughts: The most productive people know who to ignore.

What do ya'll think?

Hiatus

Hello.

Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting.  And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed.  In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!

The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.

I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened.  On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process.  Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills.  It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.

Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair.  But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.

So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.

What. the. fuck.

Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?

The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.

My mom has described  feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.

At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.

If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?

What to do with anger

If you ever ask me if I'm angry, my answer would be no.

I don't think I can even recognize what my anger looks like. I can't tell when I'm feeling it. And I don't know how to respond when I eventually see that it's part of me.

I've been angry for the last few months and I didn't even know it. In my work situation, I'm a minority in so many ways: the way I think, the way I do my work, the emphasis I place on making relationships work, and my thoughts on training. I am different in all of these ways, in addition to being a minority in race/ethnicity and relationship status (not married).

For the last few months, work has felt oppressive. People mock what I do through snide comments. If a student is passionate about making societal change, they roll their eyes and make jokes about this person being successful in the academic world. Then they say, "Oh, Sher, this student should work with you!"

People mock how I think change happens. Students think my work is unscientific because I value the importance of studying culture. To them, culture is not scientific. They don't think that because my colleagues don't seem to believe that to convey the message.

In turn, when I have been training students, I have been shell-shocked by their lack of emphasis paid to strengths, relationships, and connection. I have been angry about how these things are treated, and how undervalued they are. You would think that my response would be to model strengths, relationships, and connection. That would be smart. That would be constructive! But I got angry and I didn't even know it. I began feeling like it was incredulous for people to focus only on pathology and weakness. I became defensive and judgmental. I forgot that I was no longer a student and that my defensiveness has power.

I've been looking back and recognizing that I've been so angry at my environment, at the larger culture, and at myself, too. I wish I could have noticed that I was feeling anger. And then I wish I could have addressed it in a better way. I'll learn from this experience, but it also really hurts to have realized this... the hard way.

In-person incompletions

I drove down to see Jay this weekend. As we had discussed via skype, we planned to talk more about "us" on Friday, but I struggled throughout our time together not knowing how to bring it up. Here's the re-cap of our weekend together

Friday:
I arrived a little before midnight and Jay was still attending a party after running a 10k with his friends in another city, so I went to Jay's brother's house so that our doggies can have a get-together while we caught-up. Jay's brother told me about is plans to propose to his girlfriend next week, and the steps he had taken to lead up to this momentous occasion (e.g., getting her parents' permission, getting a diamond, waiting to get the band, etc.). We also talked about Jay's reaction to all this--or lackthereof! Apparently, brothers don't really process this stuff with each other. Later this weekend, Jay told me I seem to know more about his brother's plans than him!

Around midnight, Jay arrived, and the 3 of us finished a movie before we went to Jay's home to sleep!

Saturday:
We woke up naturally on Saturday morning and lounged for a bit before going to an outdoor BBQ party at Jay's friend's house. He played beer pong while I laid in the sun with his friend, enjoying the heat and savoring the cool breeze blowing our way. We stayed there for several hours until we finally left to go home to check on Mr. Z. He had thrown up 4 times that morning and it was very concerning that he had been unable to keep anything down. It turns out the jerky that Jay's brother gave him might have been the culprit because that was a new treat he'd never had before.

We had several plans for the afternoon prior to watching Godzilla at 10pm that night. We thought about looking for some golf shoes and also re-doing the grip on one of my golf clubs. We wanted to get some practice shots at the driving range  because earlier in the week, Jay had bought me a golf club as a surprise. We also planned to get some candies for the movie that night because his friend and I both loved Swedish Fish! All of that went to the wayside because we fell asleep in the living room. When we woke up, I suggested driving range and dinner, so we did! I asserted no fast food so the middle-ground was eating at Subway.

Before watching the movie, I told Jay there didn't seem to be time to talk about us since we're so busy! He suggested talking about it after the movie but, really... how do you introduce that topic after watching a super kick-ass action-adventure flick? I couldn't.

Sunday:
Sunday morning required an alarm clock so we could make our way to the golf course that was about 1 hour away by car. On the ride there and back, I thought of how to bring up topics about us.  I couldn't, I felt like a Debbie-Downer, so I didn't.

Finally at night, minutes before packing up and getting ready to leave, I sat down and asked questions about us and what the summer might look like. I watched the TV as I spoke -- both because he kept it on, and also because I was nervous. After we stopped talking, Jay checked-in to see if I felt better about our conversation. I did because he assured me that he's not all words, but that he will do whatever it takes to make it work.  I needed to hear that. He also emphasized that he has had a very successful long-distance relationship in the past and that the relationship's ending had nothing to do with the distance.

Whew, I think. Whew. I did it at the last minute, but I did it!

Bringing up my incompletion

After spending this week doing some deep emotional processing (alone, with friends, and through teletherapy with my amazing therapist), I planned a skype date with Jay so I can talk to him about my heartbroken feelings incompletion.

We talked about other things first. We then joked around a good deal before I got to the point.

1. I started by first asking if I can talk to him about something (he said yes). 
2. Then I told him how difficult it was for me to even have this conversation. 
3. Finally, I referred to the party on Friday and noted the inconsistency between his behavior from what he told me when he said we'll both know have news together about when he is leaving.

Jay said nothing while I spoke. Appropriately, of course, but still uncomfortable. Given his silence, I spoke more and quickly while secretly hoping that Jay would intervene so it would feel less awkward. But he let me talk, probably because he sensed the seriousness in my voice. Finally, I stopped because I said enough. There was nothing else to explain other than let him know that I felt such incongruence between us. I didn't get it, so can he explain it to me?

He did.  

Jay explained that nothing has changed and that he continues to be waiting for news about a postdoc position. He said he doesn't think much about leaving because he is so immersed in dissertating and anything beyond that feels outside of his current train of thought. He speculated that after submitting his dissertation, then the reality of leaving will likely begin to sink in. For now, he is completely and utterly focused on writing, writing, writing.

I thought about his answer and empathized with the need for his short-term focus. I offered words of comfort to say that I am confident he'll finish writing his dissertation, and certain that he'll be graduating. He is a rockstar, after all.  We may have changed topics after I said that. But in my head, however, I simultaneously felt like his mentality was quite selfish. I understand that dissertatin is stressful. Um, hello! I've done it! at the same time, I wanted to say, "what about me?" "Do you think it's fair for me to have such a short time-frame to absorb you leaving, based on a timeline that works for you?"

Jay plans to defend his dissertation in July, graduate is August, and anytime after that, he can leave for a postdoc! If it doesn't "sink in" for him until July, then does that mean I have to live in this kind of uncertainty and loneliness without being able to process him until July? And then, after that, I would have just one month to process his departure before he leaves for who-knows-how-long?! Does that seem fair to me? (The answer is no. In fact, it's a hell no!)

So I said to Jay that, unlike him, my experience of living in this kind of uncertainty has been emotionally tumultuous. Since I get zero information from him, I'm forced to squash my curiosity and deny the possibility that he is leaving. I literally forget he is leaving, and am "reminded" only when conversations such as the one on Friday comes up. The reminders are also freaking painful. It's not just the conversation itself; it's also because they happen with me learning this information accidentally and on the sidelines because they were't even intended for me. It's not a one-time experience, it's been multiple times! I cried as I spoke because I couldn't hold in how sad I felt. It was so embarrassing because I felt vulnerable and raw and terrified that he was seeing this part of my pain.

And then Jay responded.

First, he apologized for unintentionally hurting me because he had no idea this has been my experience. He said that he now recognizes how serious this is for me, and so, we should talk more about it in-person when we see each other on Saturday. Then he said, wait, I'll see you Friday, so we can even talk about it on Friday night, OK? I said OK and nodded. I told him I don't know what his expectations are about us and our relationship and that was what's been most terrifying. In my world, my friends and colleagues see the significance of this relationship and his leaving; but he doesn't seem to include me in his decision-making process at all! This discrepancy makes me question if we're even on the same page about this relationship.... Before I could finish my sentence, Jay interrupted me and said "Oh no. We are very much on the same page. I mean, I love you!"

Let me pause for a second here. It is so rare that Jay  initiates saying the 3 little words: "I love you"-- and so my heart skipped a beat and I flew toward cloud 9 before dropping back into our conversation. Then I had to give myself a reality check to return to what we were doing. As happy as I was to hear him say that, however, I needed to let him know my standing fears. I told him, "that's great! But it's not really enough for me. There's a difference between what you say and what you do and so, your words don't give me enough security for a future of long-distance." I gave him the example of wanting ice cream versus getting ice cream.  It was meant to be an example about desire versus action but I don't think I explained it well.

I then used another example of losing weight and said that I may want to lose weight but that is very different from scheduling time in my life to engage in activities that will lead to weight loss.  "Ohhh!" He said! "Intention versus action! I get it," he said. He got it! My heart squealed with happiness.

Towards the end of this conversation, Jay encouraged me to dialogue with him in the future. He told me I can tell him my reactions in-the-moment instead of having to hold them inside like I did this time. It was incredibly sweet and I felt so uncomfortable, awkward, and exposed. I told him I felt embarrassed and didn't want him to see all of "this" (aka my crying face). I asked if his Skype camera was zoomed in on my face or if it captured the entire background-- and unfortunately, he had zoomed it on my mug!

Jay is such a good guy and this was the best conversation I could have ever asked for, and the best conversation I have ever had. I have never conversed with someone like this before. Never have I been in a dialogue with a partner who is is receptive, open to, and attentive to the content of what I'm saying. H was sensitive to my emotions, too! Jay was affirming, responsive, considerate of my feelings, and he allotted me space to express myself. He was actively involved in our conversation and proactive in problem-solving with me so that I wasn't talking at him and feeling like I was solely responsible for the well-being of my feelings and for our relationship.

As a result, I never had to resort to using my back-up plan that is developed out of reactivity and fear. My back-up plan was to conclude our conversation with: "I don't know if we can be together if we have such discrepant expectations about our relationship and from each other. I can't be with someone who doesn't see me in his future."  But I didn't have to say any of that because he didn't let me! It wasn't even an option because I didn't feel so abandoned in the relationship that I needed to jump ship to preserve my own dignity and integrity. I didn't have to utter something that I didn't even believe. I was also present and real and genuine!

All in all, this was a success.

...and this weekend, we will be talking about our relationship. We will air out all the things that I am excited by and terrified of, such as our expectations about this relationship, our expectations of each other, and in some ways, planning the short-term future to know where we stand in the context of each other's life plans.

There isn't a conversation in the world that I could look forward to more than this.

At the same time, I'm scared out of my wits' end because we will now tackle topics that scare me to my core. I will have to tell him more about myself and my emotions. I will also have to know his perspective and that is terrifying. What if his worldview is dismissive of me? What if he doesn't value me as much as I value him? What if, upon realizing how much I need from him, such as him being more emotionally expressive and planful-- what if he then decides that I'm too much to handle?

Now that we are planning to talk about all things deep and intense, I am fearful that he will know exactly who I am; what my needs are; and then he can reject the real me.

That's the safety of hiding. When you keep your relationship superficial, you never have to worry if he's seen the real you. It isn't so scary because you can believe that he doesn't know you enough to want to leave you. Impression management is everything. Once you're "out" and once you're an open book and he has access to your vulnerabilities, then you will know that that if/when they leave you, it's because they saw the real you and didn't want the real you. There is no longer any control and you are at a complete disadvantage. AHHH! Now that is motherfucking terrifying. That is the stuff that bonds a couple and it's also what can lead to their demise.

Overcoming incompletions

The universe is good to me.

As I've been thinking about Jay, I've felt nervous about having difficult-and-necessary dialogue that follows my intense emotions. Of course, I can also stifle my own emotions until I explode. Why would I do that? Because "doing something about it" feels too threatening. Just the thought makes me sad because I don't know how to bring up past issues when it likely seems so outdated to someone else other than me.

And then I came across this article in my facebook feed. It is an article entitled: 8 steps to get past differences with your partner.

The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I thought that this article was written especially for me! The content focuses on how to address unresolved issues that are still relevant in your relationship, and gives advice for how to bring them up.

I am so relieved and liberated to know there is a term for what I've always struggled with. The concept is called "incompletions" and that is the unresolved crap that I usually deal with alone. Historically, it has always taken me a while to be able to process my emotional experiences. That means I grapple with many incompletions because not only are these issues no longer  not on his radar, but I also do not know how to begin to bring it up

So often, I don't know how to bring up an issue that's already passed. I fear being seen as clingy, overly emotional, unable to let go of things from the past. I am so concerned with impression management that the incompletions never have a place than go, other than to fester, pickle, and marinate in my heart so that they never get brought up.

Seriously. this was such a great article.

Bursting the bubble

My bubble has burst. Once it bursts, there is no going back.

My bubble is the illusion that Jay might be "the one" for me. It's the belief that we could live happily ever after together.

But, upon entertaining (even for a second) that he may not be the one, the bubble officially bursts and it becomes impossible to resume wearing rose-colored glasses about our relationship.  I also have to wave goodbye to all of the associated fantasies.

Today, I spent the day partly working and somewhat immersed in my thoughts about this relationship.

• Am I happy now? (Yes! For the most part) 
• What makes me happy in this relationship? (Feeling loved when I'm with him!)
• Will those factors still be there when we're in a long-distance relationship? (Probably not!)
• Why did Jay and his ex-girlfriend fall-out of love after being in a 10 year long-distance relationship?
• How might the same scenario replay itself now?
• Why is it so terrifying for me to anticipate someone falling out of love with me?

I wonder so much about Jay's last relationship and the role he played in its demise. Did he fail to cultivate that bond? He told me he felt no sadness when the relationship ended because they became friends instead of lovers. Will that happen to us? And will that be a function of our incompatibility or his lackluster attitude? How can I prevent this from happening? Can I stop it from happening? And is it my responsibility?

A large part of me feels fearful. I'm at the precipice of a decision because a small part of me is panicking and impulsively wants to initiate a break-up. I'd rather end things now than have him slowly fall out of love with me. When he falls out of love, he will do it carelessly and without any hurt. Whereas for me, I already know it will be a long, arduous, torturous process.

I totally wonder what his ex-girlfriend's experience of their relationship was like. Did she shed a lot of tears in their relationship? Did she feel overlooked and minimized when he planned his life without her? They were together for 10 years! I mean, gee whiz! I asked him before if he had thought of marrying her and his response was yes-- yes, because they had been together for so long! (What a crappy answer)

Where's the romance? Where's the passion? Is that how he sees relationships? Sees us? And sees me?

While talking to my mom over the phone, she speculated a somewhat boring predictable life with him, characterized by us living our separate lives while living in the same home. He will do his thing while I do mine. He'll work and have his career while I have mine. On weekends, we'll do some fun activities together and it will be that way over and over. He's not the type of guy to offer sparks or fireworks. There will be minimal passion and romance because he doesn't say or do things like that. But it'll work. It'll be a relationship that works and is sustainable because he's a seemingly good guy who seems more naiive and focused on his career advancement than mean or hurtful. He won't intentionally try to hurt me. If anything, it would be his oversights that make me cry, and his lack of attention to things that are meaningful to me. 

Is that the kind of relationship that I want? Do I want normal, stable, somewhat distanced, but an amiable partnership? It sounds horrible to me and I can't imagine anything more boring or even lonely. But mom emphasized that those are the relationships that stand the test of time! Whereas for me, I've also enjoyed the kinds of relationships that are tumultuous and adrenaline-inducing because of the highs and lows in the roller coaster ride. 

So, what do I want? And what do I do next? My heart hurts. 

Dagger to my heart

I neglected to mention that at Friday's work party, my heart got broken even though I pretended nothing happened. It happened when my boss met Jay for the first time. They proceeded to have a conversation about his future-- one in which Jay mentioned nothing about me.

She asked about his upcoming future and he told her that he's "leaning towards" a post-doc position that is in the U.S. As they conversed, he explained that it is a great position because it will allow him to lead a new research team to prepare him for creating his own research team in the future.

Wait, what? All this time, I thought it was a 50/50 possibility between a position in Europe to a position in the U.S. When did that change? Also, is that why he's interested in staying in the U.S.? So that he'll be leading a research team? How awesome, how exciting! How come I don't know anything about his decision-making process or about the factors driving such an important decision?

I stood in shock and hurt as the conversation continued forward...

"So, how far will you be away from Sher?"
16 hours by car.
"What?! Isn't that so far away? What about your parents? Are you leaving them also?"
Oh, they're used to it by now. I haven't been home since grad school.
"Oh my goodness, that means we'll have to take much better care of Sher since you'll be gone."

Thank you for caring way more about me than my own boyfriend does.

In the 3 minutes that this conversation progressed, my heart lurched and imploded at the same time. Jay lied to me. Last time, when I cried to him and told him how hard this upcoming long-distance change will be, he said to me "you'll know any news when I know any news."  Well, I clearly didn't know anything this week, but he sure knew a lot. What does that make him?  A LIAR!

I also felt ridiculously validated by my boss's complete surprise when she learned he'll be leaving and she expressed her concerns for me and for this relationship.  "What about Sher?" Yes, Jay. What about her and this relationship? You have a girlfriend-- or did you forget? Your leaving affects her-- do you have that bit of awareness at all?

When I came to work this Monday, my boss asked if I was job-searching in a different state. Apparently, the conversation she had with Jay freaked her out, and she was afraid I'd be leaving my current position to follow him!  Separately, my friend Gina told me on that same day that my other colleague expressed concerns to her that I'd be leaving my position because of Jay.

Uh. What? Leave my job for Jay?

I hadn't realized the irony of this entire situation until I talked to my mom on the phone this morning. I briefly mentioned it to her and she completely put it into perspective for me. Everyone in my life sees his departure as being significant in my life; but Jay does not perceive his move to have any impact on me whatsoever. I don't know how my mom does it, but she saw right through to that differential discrepancy in how meaningful this relationship is to us. She was so succinct when she said: "He may not be doing it on purpose, but is hurting you without even knowing it." I cried. A lot. The more I talked with mom, the harder I cried. She helped contextualize why this circumstance feels so painful right now.

This exact situation is a combination of my pain with Robert and the B. For example, she reminded me that words are just words unless backed by action. In my last conversation with Robert before breaking up, he told me "I want you, I want us" and then he proceeded to disappear from my life. What I'm experiencing now with Jay is similar: a replay! Jay says he wants to stay together; but his actions are inconsistent. He has said "I love you, I want us to stay together." Meanwhile, he's making his individual plans without even considering that I exist when he's making these future plans.

As for how this situation mirrors my experiences with the Serbian, well, it's not surprise that I feel completely betrayed. Jay told me he would let me know as soon as he knew anything about his upcoming post-doc position. He did not do that. His exclusion of me throughout his planning is also an overt way of telling me I don't matter in the long run. In fact, he's probably just passing the time with me before he moves forward with his life. WOW. This is so reminiscent of how B. used me to pass the time in his last year of graduate school. B. couldn't plan for the future because he didn't see commitment in his life (not when fidelity was required). He just wanted people to party and play with. He had no appreciation for anything future oriented.  Like Robert, he lived a life characterized as whatever happens, happens" (this was actually Robert's high school senior year quote) and moved on as soon as the next better thing happened.

Me? I am the opposite of all of that way of life. I am the flip side to letting things spontaneously fall into place. I'm all about controlling the future, being proactive and planful, and moving forward intentionally with as much precision, preparation, and anticipation as possible. If I want ___, I will do everything I can to protect ______ from other competing, demanding pressures of my time. I will prioritize and prize _____, and I will likely outline steps to ensure that I make time and reserve my energy and resources accordingly. I will take the necessary actions because "wanting _____" is different from "taking actions to make sure _____ is preserved."

On Sunday, I asked Jay how single life has changed since being in a relationship. His answer? He's more active on the weekends now, instead of being a bum at home. His response was like a dagger to the heart! Apparently, that's the value of having me in your life. You now have an additional place to go, and a playmate to do things with.  And when the time comes for you to move on with your life, well, then, goodbye plaything-- onto the next place, the next thing, and to whatever is happening next!

I feel heartbroken.

Weekend bonding

Jay came over on Friday and we had an action-packed weekend doing so many new things together!

He arrived Friday night to meet me at my colleague's home to attend a work party. He met all of my coworkers, some of my students, and he did it after a 2.5 hour drive in the rain. Afterwards, we went home and called it an early night!

On Saturday morning, we woke up and lounged for a good part of the morning. I made a bacon and kale egg scramble and we watched TV together until we both got hungry for lunch. We went to one of our favorite buffet places and saw that the weather was so good despite earlier predictions of a 3-day rain-fest. So we went forward with our plans to play golf! The last time I played 18 holes of golf must have been years ago. In fact, I still don't have my full set of clubs so I was quite nervous about how poorly I'd perform in front of Jay. He plays golf pretty frequently with his colleagues and I did not want to be humiliated. In the end, it turned out we were both around the same level--- fortunately because I retained more muscle memory than I expected.  We spent 3 glorious hours riding around in our cart and playing quite decently, I'd say. I had beautiful drives and his short game was incredibly impressive, to say the least!

Following our golf outing, we went to eat ice cream (in a waffle cone of course) and went to some sports stores to window-shop at golf equipment. We ordered pizza and was passing the time before our pick-up. When we got home, we got comfortable on the couch and decided to stay-in for the night. But after about an hour of sitting on the couch, my hip was in such pain that I went to stretch out! Meanwhile, Jay laid on the couch reading his kindle and watching TV. It was cute to see him there. At some point, I gave up on trying to stay awake so I ended up falling asleep before being gently woken by Jay. The rest is history, of course :)

We woke up Sunday morning, having enjoyed sleeping-in. I watched TV for a bit while Jay made an eggs and bacon scramble. Afterwards, I did some grading while he finished the movie. Then, we went on our 1.5 hour excursion to go outlet shopping for workout clothes that I've been wanting. Given my love for organic food, he also remembered that a new grocery store had opened in the same city and volunteered for us to get food together. What?! Clothes shopping and grocery shopping together? That is definitely intimacy in a new fashion. When we got back home, we finished watching a movie and got to spend some time together before he headed back for his drive around 9pm.

I came straight to school to do my grading and now it's almost 230am! Eek!

Revisiting an old wound

As mentioned earlier, Cinco de Mayo has sucked over the last few years

After writing my last post, I worked in the office a bit before deciding to revisit my old would. I decided to locate the email that I read when I catching B. red-handed with his cheating ways.  I searched for 5/5 emails and had to look through several years of old mail before finally finding it. His email wasn't entitled "Re: Re". It was "Re: ??" and at first, I hesitated before opening. It's been 4 years later since I discovered that email and I haven't read it since the break-up. But in the end, my curiosity got the best of me.

I took a deep breath and began reading.
First I reviewed his strand in the emails. And then her strand, then his strand, then hers again....
I read it. I re-read it.
And then I repeated the process in chronological order.

And then I laughed!  Out loud!  And very suddenly.

My laugh was sharp and it ended as quickly as it started. My eyes started to sting, but I couldn't cry. I was laughing too hard on the inside to twist my face into a crying contortion.

I laughed because I realized the email strands were funny, dramatic, and... psychotic. Here were 2 people who barely knew each other but were desperately clinging to one another. They couldn't actually like each other. They didn't even know each other!  These 2 people didn't even know themselves that they had to elicit so much validation from one another to confirm that their lives were worth living; and that their existence had meaning.

I laughed because I'm so fucking glad I got out of that relationship. It also dawned on me that I'm much happier now than before. I have nothing to mourn about. Why do I get so sad on 5/5? For what? It's a damn shame I've let so many Cinco de Mayos go to waste when I'm in a much better place now than when I was with him!

Why have I been so devastated by someone who was so dramatic, desperate, and clingy to anyone that would give him the time of day? What makes made him influence enough to change my mood from happy to sad? No more, I decided. Never again!

So, I took a deep breath and read that email one last time. I had a final laugh and officially decided that I never want to be upset on Cinco de Mayo again.  From now on, this will be a day of celebration. It will be an acknowledgment of the fateful day that helped me leave a lying, cheating, toxic man who lacked empathy and perspective-taking. From hence forth, I will celebrate having gotten away from him and being able to enjoy my life: either happily single or with anyone else that improves my quality of life.

Starting today, 5/5 will officially mark a day of celebrating my physical and emotional healthiness, my agency and mobility to pursue my dreams without worrying about someone else, and my freedom to be just me without wondering about someone else's judgment (ahem, B.)

5/5 will be a good day from now on and I will begin to model it ASAP.

...and you know what? I lived up to this goal. 

That night, I embarked on a 12 mile bike ride (4 miles completed by myself!) to cultivate my physical fitness, emotional and psychological well-being, and gratitude. I enjoyed every second of it. I felt grateful for nature, my bicycle, my friendships and social life, and I gave thanks to all the things I've gained since leaving a terrible relationship.

5/5 became a wonderful day.

Cinco de Mayo

I hate Cinco de Mayo.  There, I said it.

It is the anniversary of the day that I caught B. cheating.

I can recall it as though it were yesterday.

My discovery happened around 1030am on a weekday morning. I believe it was a Wednesday?
I was checking my email like I would any other day. On that particular morning, I was in a super good mood because I realized it was Cinco de Mayo! I fantasized dancing, drinking margaritas, and and dressing up. How perfect for a date-night! I was about to send a short email to B. to tell him about this spontaneous plan of mine! As I contemplated what to write, an email notification popped up from him. It was an email entitled "Re: Re:" which was strange because I hadn't emailed him to get a reply email... But I clicked anyways! Why wouldn't I?

And so it began: strands of emails between B. and some woman who he had met for less than 72 hours at a conference a few weeks ago. B. tells her he's in love with her and that he wants to give her citizenship papers so they can live in the same country together (apparently, she's not living in the U.S). He is pining over her and using pet names all over the email. He calls her his "dream" and says he lives purely for her. Below, in a separate email strand, she responds with the same passion. She has told her family all about him and they can't wait to meet him. She is so excited to start life together with him. She also dreams of him and agrees that life has no meaning without him. Both express similar sentiments that they can barely breathe without the other person.

I read.
I re-read.
I read some more because I can't believe my eyes.

I am so confused.
Throughout B.'s emails, I see pet names that are exclusively for me because they are based on my native language. Those are terms that we created together because he was fascinated by words and sounds of my language. But the email was not meant for me, so how does that make any sense? My head is spinning but I can't stop. I keep reading and re-reading. I read so many times that everything is reeling and I can no longer make sense of the words I'm seeing. My friend Mary is on gchat and I tell her to come over to my office ASAP. She's shell-shocked but calm. She forces me to have lunch because it's noontime now and I have to stop crying. We walk off-campus to a busy, crowded restaurant and for the first time in my life, I have no appetite, zero. I am hysterical inside but she is calm. I watch her eat, surprised that anyone can be so nonchalant when my entire world feels like it is crumbling.

Post-lunch, I return to my office with some calmness. I manage to get some work done. I am more rational now and see that B. has sent me a text like he normally does. I think hard, and then I act. I text him to tell him to come to my office. He arrives and appears like his normal, typical self. All smiles. I act as normal as I can without having to touch him or make much eye contact. I have to fake calmness for as long as I can. I invite him to sit down and I ask if he has anything to share with me. "No. Why?"
Next, I invite him to my office desk and ask the same question.  Again, no.
I open-up my email and have him read the email he sent me that morning.

What do you say now, bitch?!

The blood drains from his face and he swallows hard. He takes off his glasses and looks down. When he looks up, his expression is unreadable. There is no more warmth now, there is also no fear. There is a wall up. He is officially defensive and will offer nothing other than one or two worded answers.

"Sorry", "But I love you", "I don't know".

I ask questions but he gives shit answers.
"Why?" I ask.
"How could you do this to me?" I lament.
These are questions that have no answers but I can't stop myself from asking. He gives nothing away. Silence. I cry. He cries. It's over. I kick him out because I have an client now. It's 2 hours later and he's wasted enough of my time. Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office, get out of my life, because we're done. We. Are. Done.

That night and for the next 2 days, my best girlfriends come over and sleep-over. They are on suicide-watch and they make sure I never have to be alone. I don't party that night. I don't drink. I don't dress up. There is nothing worthy of celebrating. He has officially ruined Cinco de Mayo and he continues to ruin it for me for years to come.

Too white

"Simply put: I was a person of color in a workshop whose theory of reality did not include my most fundamental experiences as a person of color—that did not in other words include me.

No wonder I was unhappy in workshop. No wonder me and some of the other Calibans... talked constantly about the workshop’s race problem, about the shit our peers said to us (shit like: Why is there even Spanish in this story? Or: I don’t want to write about race, I want to write about real literature.) No wonder we all talked at one time or another of dropping out.

Some of you are probably saying: Fool, what did you expect?

That’s a good question. I guess I assumed that a graduate program full of artists dedicated to seeing beyond the world’s masks would be better on the race front—that despite all my previous experience with white-majority institutions the workshop would be an exception. What can I tell you? In those days I must have needed that little fantasy, that little hope that somewhere shit might be better.

Like I said: I was young."

This morning I read a validating article on diversity in higher education. It talks about what it means to be in settings that are "too white" and it totally captured either my experiences or that of my friends throughout our academic experiences. Here's the link below.

Junot Diaz's article on diversity in higher education

Until now, all of my posts have been about romantic relationships, but lately, my sense of social isolation has been quite salient at work. Race may play a role, but it's not just that. I'll elaborate more in the future, but for now, this article feels... comforting.

Half of a weekend together

Jay is coming this afternoon! ... And then he's leaving tomorrow afternoon!

I've been invited to a party this weekend and told him weeks ago so that he could join me to eat delicious food! Last night, he told me he forgot about a party he promised to attend that's back in his neck of the woods.  So, the plan is for him to stay until late Saturday afternoon so he can drive home to attend his shindig.

I was utterly disappointed hearing this.  I would never stop him from going to his event, but that means I'll only get half of a weekend with him.  Part of me wanted to ask why he would even bother coming because it seems like a lot of driving within a 24-hour period. The other part wasn't sure if I was asking out of insecurity, sarcasm, or sadness.  It was surely a combination of the 3. Still, this means we'll only have Saturday together, and Saturday is also completely booked, meaning I'll have NO time to spend with him on a 1-on-1 basis.

As it is, there are 4 social outings for Saturday: a fundraiser 5k with Mr. Z., a free yoga class with my friend Al, my friend Rac's house-warming party, and then the actual BBQ fiesta in the early afternoon. I feel tired thinking about all of these things, and especially knowing I'll have to say bye to Jay later that day.  There will be no time to do just me & him things this weekend. Goodbye bike, golf, sleeping-in, watching TV together, or cooking... together.

My disappointment makes me realize that I really look forward to having time and a life together with this guy. I want to do extroverted, social things with him and my friends together. But I equally treasure our 1-on-1 moments together.

Sigh. I already miss him.

Being ok with silence

Something has shifted within me this week and I'm now significantly less anxious.

In the last 2 days, I haven't felt sad, disappointed, or anxious when I don't speak to Jay at night.  I don't go to sleep wondering if he's forgotten about me or if I'm insignificant.  I am confident that we'll talk tomorrow if not today. I think to myself, "silence now doesn't mean silence forever."

My newfound calmness is weird. I've never felt quite like this before. Is it because we spent a "real" weekend together? Is it because I can now integrate him into my life AND understand he how integrates me into his?

I went to bed last night reflecting on this sudden different way of being.  The greatest change is assuming that Jay is a staple in my life. I assume he will continue to be my life. I no longer question if he'll be there the next day.

What a minute.... is this what a healthy and secure attachment feels like? Because it's awesome. It means I don't have to spend so much frantic energy worrying about things that are out of my control (ex: he's not there the next day; he no longer likes me; he's going to fall-off-the-face-of-the-earth). I can focus on improving myself. I can also make short and long term plans without worrying about all the what-ifs.

Wow. What a different way to live. What an awesome way to just sit and "be."

I wonder how long this calmness will last because I like it!

Me-time in the midst of We-time.

I drove into town last night to spend the weekend with Jay. Today, we woke up early so he can get to school for a conference he is helping to organize. He'll be gone for half the day and I've been excited to take my work to a coffee-shop or library to catch-up and spend a "real" weekend together. I emphasize "real" because this is what it would be like if we spent weekends together like a real couple, each with our own lives, right? It's not full-time couch-time because we're stuck-at-the hip. I also get to enjoy knowing he's within minutes of me and that we can reunite in the next few hours! I revel in that feeling.

So, I found a gorgeous public library near his house and I've been sitting in this glass room for the past hour, enjoying every millisecond here. There's a beautiful botanical garden surrounding the library, and with small glass bulbs, as though there would be a party there at night. It's utterly romantic and I hope to show it to Jay sometime later this weekend. Once you get into the library, they have sections of the the building dedicated to teens, children, audio/visual materials, etc.  All of the doors are see-through, and the windows are also gigantic pieces of floor-to-ceiling glass. The building is big, airy, windowed, and with high-vaulted ceilings. It is a bit overcast today, so the sunlight coming in feels just right. Not too bright so that it burns your eyes; but brighter and happier than the glare of halogen lighting. Tons of trees surround the building, so I feel like I am sitting amongst the trees, yet connected to all the things I want and need: laptop, electrical outlets, air conditioning, indoor amenities! I am soo basking in this place.

I love libraries and I love my day today. I am so happy that I get to do my work and also be able to juggle my relationship. And I'm excited that my social life is at full-swing. After lunch, Jay's brother and I will take our dogs out to the dog park for an afternoon of four-legged frolic. At night, all of us humans are going to their friend's pool party!

I couldn't ask for a better day-- with the exception of all this hip muscle pain. Must. move. around. And then continue to bask in this contentedness.

Making first contact

So it turns out Jay was on a bike ride for a few hours, hence the unresponsiveness last afternoon.

Still, it's becoming more of a norm that he is less- or non-responsive to my texts.

For example, the super cute Easter egg picture that I sent him? No reaction. I also texted him late last night when walking home from the office at 2am. I asked if he was awake and based on his lack of response, I assumed no. Still, I woke up this morning hoping for a belated text or at least an acknowledgment of mine.  Give me something to work with!

We talked on the phone for a bit last night and it was such an relief for me. I've  really missed him this week and wanted to hear his voice. Being on the phone makes him real and I needed that.

Sometimes, I bask so much in my feelings of relief that I wonder if I seem unresponsive. I am distinctly aware of lulls in the conversation but I'm too busy releasing all that pent-up energy inside me. It's such a relieving process that I often forget what to say. By the time I finally get to speak to him or be in interaction, I no longer know what I wanted to tell him because it all seems trivial compared to tremendous release happening within me.

Fear: I agree with all of those listed.

dontfreakout dontfreakout dontfreakout

Do.
Not.
Freak.
Out. 

That has been running through my mind for the last hour.

Is this how I'm going to live for the rest of my life? Freaked out every single time I don't hear back from my Jay or from any other person I possibly date?

Jay was incredibly tired last night so he texted me a kissy face and said took a short nap. I later texted him a picture of Easter eggs I made with friends' kiddos over the weekend. I made one with his initials as the design! But I didn't hear back from him afterwards.

Fast-forward to today and I've been crazy-busy! I also finally got a referral for a physical therapy (PT) appointment today. Why did I avoid this for as long as I did? My session was amazing. I feel tremendously better and cannot wait to go back. This ol' body of mine is no longer as tightly wound and aching as it was before. Anyways, back to my emotional internal drama....

After my PT session, I texted Jay to tell him about my awesome experience and it's been hours since, He is radio silent. He remains an orange dot on gchat.

During times like this, my heart feels like it constricts. I feel my stomach plummet. I have difficulty catching my breath, and my heart pounds loudly because it is accelerates so quickly. A burning sensation fills my core-- oh, hello ulcer.

As a kid, I had this reaction whenever my mom left the house without us children. I always feared she was trying to shake-us-off to run away. I would wonder if I'd ever see her again. I'd fantasize the possibility of her escaping from us. The alternative possibility was her dying in a devastating accident. I used to stand outside of my house crying and waiting for the traumatic news that I would never see her again: either because of an accident, or because she ran away.

The same panic sets into me now when I don't hear back from Jay, or any romantic partner.

What is wrong with me?

I know that my anxiety is so deeply rooted in childhood, and I've gone to therapy to discuss this. But how do I get rid of it? How do I overcome it? How do I stop it from consuming me?  I have no clue.  If I knew, then I would do everything in my power to make sure I don't feel this way again.

100% committed

Nothing has changed between Jay and me.
But I woke up this morning questioning if he might be "the one" for me.
Maybe he isn't-- and that would be weird for me to even think out loud.

In the past, I never questioned my relationships. I always assumed that they would move forward and I would live happily ever after with my partner. In every relationship, even from the beginning, I'm 100% in!

The only times I've doubted any relationship was when I've been extremely hurt -- like when I was suddenly dumped by Robert and cheated on by B.

Jay has done nothing of the sort. He has not hurt me in any of those ways.

But I woke up wondering if it's possible to be less than 100% committed. Maybe it's OK to question. Maybe I'm not feeling it 100%.

Perhaps he is not the one for me. Possible, he is not my ideal guy.

This kind of thinking forces me to take my rose-colored glasses off to see things for what they are.  As amazing as Jay is, he's not the best long-distance boyfriend despite being only 2.5 hours apart. If I feel this way now, how will it be if or when he goes to Europe or out-of-state for his postdoc?

People refer to having a "love tank" that gets filled by their partner, and when we're together, that tank is filled to the rim. But when we're apart, it is a different story-- and I don't know if I'm OK with that.

Nausea

Day 0.5 on birth control and I feel terrible. I took my dosage last night before bed, figuring that 7 hours later, I would avoid the nausea.  Boy was I wrong.

This morning, I woke up with a pain in my stomach, connected to my heart, and making it difficult to take deep breaths, even. I was also very cold and eventually took a hot bath.

Currently making some hot ginger tea and a baked potato because I need all the comfort food I can get. In the past year, I've gained about 8 lbs. and I am somewhat anticipating gaining even more weight with such my hormones being now manipulated in this fashion.

What did I get myself into? And... is it really worth it?

Birth control

I always assumed that I would be on birth control in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was on it during the 2 years that I was with B., and after we broke up, I stopped, with the expectation that I would resume in a subsequent long relationship.

In the last few weeks, Jay has asked me about birth control since I suggested this as an option several months ago. Today, I went to the doctor's office and picked up my new dose of medicine.

For some reason, I feel a little hesitant to commit.  I had this concern when I first tried birth control years ago. It felt like such an offering to give to my partner at the time-- yes, it had been B.

I know it's wrong to think I'm on birth control for him; instead, I should think I'm on birth control for us! or for me!-- but I don't think that way. I still experience it as a sacrifice because I'm experimenting with my organs for his pleasure (and mine too, kind of).

In my head, there's an unspoken tit-for-tat exchange. It's a contract that says: "you better not screw me over because of all the changes/sacrificing I am making."

It's so scary to make such a significant change for one person; because that one person has the ability to break you in a million pieces if they ever wanted to.

Saturday night

It's 830pm on a long-weekend Saturday night and I am restless.
I've been alone all day and feeling unsure of what to do with myself.
The plan was to work all day so that I can relax and meet with friends tomorrow. But I got in around 2am last night after spending an entire day with dear friends who were visiting for the weekend.
I woke up at 1130am and some breakfast and netflixed for hours until I took a nap. Woke up around dinnertime to take a short bike ride with Mr. Z. before grocery shopping.
I'm now home and cleaning out the kitchen-- still feeling restless with myself.
This weekend,  Jay is out-of-town visiting family for Easter.
Many friends are out of town, and the ones here are heading to a restaurant/bar as we speak.

I have no desire to be out; but I'm not entirely productive or excited about staying-in.
I'd enjoy netflixing the rest of the night, but my guilt will consume because I have so much work that needs to be done.
If Jay were here, my entire attention span would be focused on him and it wouldn't be an option to feel restless.

Was life like this when I was single?

So far, I've called Jay 2x. Last night, while driving back at midnight; and this afternoon, when trying to set-up my bike rack on my car. Both times he's been busy-- sleeping and then watching a movie, respectively. It seems that whenever I want to hear his voice, he's not available.

Is this what long-distance will be like when he leaves in a few months? Texts here and there? Minimal phone conversations?

I need daily voice-interactions. At least weekly skype/videochat sessions. And some indication that I'm missed.

Second time crying

My 2nd crying experience came on the heels of my 1st!

It happened on Sunday, after Jay and I attended a BBQ event for a work even with my colleagues. While we were there, people asked about his graduation date and his post-graduation plans and I was jolted back into reality and his impending departure in a few months. Over the last few weeks, I've had so much fun that I forgot he would be graduating and leaving at some point. Later on one of my friends' colleagues started referred to his job offer in Europe and spend the rest of the night encouraging him to take the job so that Jay can offer him a free place to stay when he visits. The conversation did not end there. In fact, when it was clear that I was in earshot of their conversation, this person had the audacity to say: "uh oh, I better stop encouraging you because Sher is going to kill me for telling you to go!"  Still, he continued to make comments throughout the night-- and even made things serious when he said to Jay: "It's clear that this opportunity in Europe is better for you and will help your career more."

I was calm. I did not react throughout the BBQ. 

Afterwards, When we got home, I asked Jay if Europe was a real possibility.  "It is a possibility," he murmured. Then, I asked if that was what he wanted for his next career move. "I'd much rather be in the U.S." he responded, as he sat down on the couch, ready to turn on the TV. As I sat next to him, tears started sliding down my face and he quickly realized my mood change. "Why are you upset?" he asked in disbelief? 

Um.. why? My head reeled as I thought about a logical answer to his question:

• Because you're literally physically leaving me
• Because our relationship will totally change and we won't see each other every weekend anymore
• Because this change isn't temporary-- who knows what will happen after next year
• Because there is a difference between being long-distance domestically and long-distance internationally
• Because we haven't talked about this change
• Because I don't know what's happening: when you're leaving, how long you're leaving for, where you'd like to go, how you feel
• Because I don't know what you think about all of this
• Because I don't know where I fit in your schedule and life-change
• Because what if you change and no longer want me?
• Because what if hurt me in the same way Robert hurt me when we were in a long-distance relationship?

My brain reeled and reeled. All I could say was, "I don't know what will happen to us" and in response, Jay squeezed my chin and tried to lift my face up as he said "I love you, I think we're great together and I want to stay together. I don't want this to change..."

In that moment, 2 contrasting thoughts and emotions flashed through me:

1. Yay! He's saying he loves me for the first time ever without me saying it 1st! He wants to stay together and he's assuming we'll make it work, no matter what!
2. Those words mean nothing to me. The last time someone said to me, "... but I love you" was when B. used that as an excuse over and over when confronted by his infidelity. Those 3 little words have lost their meaning and impact on me. Unless they're backed by action, it's an excuse to do horrific, heartbreaking, devastating things to me. It's a band-aid on a castrated body part. It does nothing to stop the bleeding. It has no effect on the pain and loss of a limb and nerves and gushing blood.

In the end, I said nothing because the analytical part of me took-over. I wiped away my tears and realized that I couldn't ask from him what I wanted the most. What could he possibly offer that could make me feel better? What could I actually ask from him that he can give to me? 

• "Can you promise not to hurt me in the same way the others have, in the past?"
• "Can you promise me never to cheat on me?"
• "Can you promise never to disappear-off-the-face-of-the-earth from me?"
• "Can you promise not to break my heart?"
• "Can you promise to make me relive any kind of pain or trigger any kind of sadness?"

How is it fair to make him pay the price of pain that has been inflicted from someone else?

I can't ask from Jay any of those things, and he can't offer any guarantees to me, either. Relationships are about faith, trust, and belief, and that's what I need to rely on. I have to accept the ambiguity of our relationship, and accept there's nothing I can do to ensure certainty for this relationship.

As I reminded myself to live in the present and be considerate of what he can and cannot offer me, I settled more into by body and into the realization of not-knowing. I told Jay that my previous relationships have really impacted me and that my 2-year long-distance relationship ended in a way where there was no closure; hence it's so upsetting to think of the distance. I volunteered this piece of me and my history because it was all I could offer him without resorting to those questions above. What I said aloud was objective, factual, and rational. It was not me demanding promises from him. I disclosed this history because it is a history that haunts me and it is the root of my fear and anxiety of being abandoned-- again.

Over the weekend, I've shared with Jay, as much as I can about my relationship history. It's raw, unarticulated, painful stories that make me feel drained, vulnerable, and simultaneously understood. I didn't plan any of this. But it also didn't proceed impulsively or callously. My words and my emotions are the best that I have to offer him so that he can have a glimpse into me and the inner workings of my heart and brain. I couldn't have shared this with him in a more coherent way, and it was the least emotional I could have been. He saw the most rational version of me while I was emotionally intense and chaotic inside.

First time crying in front of my boyfriend

I can now say I had my first crying experience in front of Jay. It happened on Saturday, and if that wasn't enough, I did it again on Sunday.

I'll backtrack and provide an overview first.

Friday night, Jay arrived late and was not able to make it to my work event. I even had time to hang out with friends at a music festival before coming home to meet him. We went shopping for foam rollers because I've been in pain over the last few weeks from some kind of muscle pinch/sprain. We also got food and snacks for our Saturday road trip!  During the first hour with Jay, I was miserable. I was in pain, I was exhausted, and I was in no mood to entertain.  30 minutes of intense foam rolling later, I was much much better. I also slept wonderfully, despite my fears that my body would be in too much achey-ness and to sleep with someone else.

Saturday morning, we woke up, had eggs, bacon, and some leftover kale/tofu/tomato, and then left for a 4 hour road trip to the Blues festival. We talked the whole trip and listened to music. Upon arriving at the festival, we saw my friend Andrew, who by the way, looks vaguely similar to B., which prompted a flash-flood of memories that haunted me and our road trip back home. The music fest was fun, but after 2 walks around the event, we were both tired and somewhat bored. We ate, drank, shopped, and were ready to head home! On the way back, Jay somehow started talking about birth control options and recounted friends of his telling him that Plan B is a mortifying experience. At first, I decided not to say anything, but then I took a deep breath, took a risk, and told him that I had that horrific experience when I had to once stand in line for Plan B. I described the humiliation of having to show your driver's license ID in order to get that little pill. Meanwhile, B. had wandered off in the store to buy chocolates or find whatever it was he wanted. As I told this story, my emotions began to build and I soon found myself tearing up.  It was terrible. We were about 30 minutes away from home and I was driving while crying.

At first, Jay thought I was cold and asked if I had the sniffles. I put up my hoodie so he couldn't see me in the dark, but for some reason, the crying wouldn't stop. Eventually, Jay realized and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I was so embarrassed that I said no and kept crying. I told him bits and pieces. And I explained that my feelings were likely erupting having seen that B. recently "found" me to know where I am. Jay didn't say much, but he was a good listener and said that he would "take care of it" if B. ever came to find me. It was comforting to hear him say that. Eventually, I stopped crying because I know that Jay is so different and that the past is the past.

I also cried on Sunday but I'll save that for my next post. Just recounting this crying experience drained me.

Post-its to yourself

As I continue to have flashback memories of B., I also had a powerful memory just now that I want to make sure to remember.

I tried to break up with B. so many times. But I was weak then, and too concerned about hurting him and also hurting myself even more.  One of my final attempts included the help of a close friend, Maria. She had watched me suffer throughout the latter part of the relationship and was witnessing me spiral towards the end. She had never seen me so drained and so unhappy, that she, and along with other friends, told me in different ways that "the light inside [you] that is so bright is being sucked out of you."

One day, as we sat in my apartment, I told her I was finally done with B. She took immediate action after I told her this, and said she will help me make sure not to feel sorry for him again. She knew that I was scared of ending things: for him and for myself.  

It only took her minutes, but she did something that really made such a difference in my empowerment process. She grabbed a post-it pad from my desk and began scribbling.  I didn't pay much attention, but later, she went around my apartment and posted she wrote in different rooms and places: bathroom mirror, kitchen cabinets, TV, walls, etc.

Each post-it had its own short message. They said things like:

• Stay in a relationship out of love, not fear.
• You deserve to be happy.
• You are NOT alone.
• You can totally do this.
• People who love you do not hurt you repeatedly.
• People who love you take "no" for an answer.
• A cheater betrays you because of him, not because of you.

I looked at those post-its everyday for a month even after he left for New York. The post-its were my friends. They represented the people who loved me, who saw me for who I was before him, and they supported me when I felt most alone. I have saved those post-its and to this day, I feel so grateful for my friend Maria, and for the messages that I needed when self-empowerment was not accessible to me.

So often in life, we may feel alone, yet we have the love of so many others who may not be around you to give you that immediate feedback. That's OK, though. Even if you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Give it to yourself! Channel them! Bring them into your world and space through whatever way that is liberating.

Apparently, post-it notes are the thing for me. This memory brings such a smile to my face and I'm reminded of how lucky I am, how loved I am, and how blessed I've been to have had, and continue to have good people being the majority of those around me.

Setback

I read my last entry and began to cry.
I felt sorry for myself. Sad about my history. Heartbroken that I experienced and continue to have flashback experiences of such fear and helplessness.

Being "discovered" by B. is like being "caught" when running away from someone chasing you down. I feel so vulnerable and scared. It's no wonder I'm experiencing such a setback in my productivity this week.

For all I know, B. was just curious to look up my name and see what I'm doing these days. Now that he knows, he is very likely to be laughing at me, actually. Last time we saw each other, he had gotten a job in New York City, and has therefore achieved his dream of being in a big city. Even when we were in grad school together, he always mocked where we were and called it a "village" even though it clearly wasn't.  He's definitely laughing at me now and thinking I live in a completely rural community.

I don't mind that much, actually. I don't particularly care what he thinks. Sure, my ego might be a bit bruised, but I'm happy for the most part. I didn't want to be in New York city. I had the option of going there for a job, but I knew he was there and I also did not want that kind of lifestyle.

Here's one perk of being in a small town. He won't come down to find me because he'll never "be in the neighborhood" for any reason other than to find me. And if that's the case, then that would be my biggest fear come true. Yes. You read right. It is one of my biggest fears to see him because he denies hearing anything he doesn't want to hear. He has no respect for any of my feelings. And he has walked over me, crushed me, and manipulated me in every way possible.
So many examples come to mind:

• He told me once, before I went to work, that I should not wear big belts because I am "short and chubby" and a belt would cut my length in half. He said that the big belt look is for models who are tall and skinny and therefore it is not flattering for me at all.
• He punished me when I ate food that I loved because he didn't like to kiss me afterwards. He would turn his face away from me or push me away until I did exactly what he wanted.
• In the bedroom, he told me that "American girls are lazy; they just lay around."  That was his way of conveying to me that I was part of a inferior culture and that I was one of many many women for him; especially one that wasn't doing it good enough for him.
• He did not respect me anytime I said no. He forced me against my will even when I explicitly said no. No to: being poked, tickled, having sex when I didn't want to, cook a meal at 11pm because he was manic and had excess energy, go for liquor runs even though I hated doing that...

All of this hits me now and I feel so completely drained. What a setback.

Feeling dirty.

The other day, I opened my email and saw that someone had "discovered me" in my linked in profile.  Who was it? A huge picture popped up and it was my emotionally and sexually ex-boyfriend, B.

My heart fell into my stomach and I quickly turned off my computer and walked away. In the afternoon, I left work early and took Mr. Z. for a long 2-mile walk. I returned home at night, still unable to open-up my computer.

I showered that night. Afterwards, I took a bath. I watched some TV. I cooked. I played my guitar. Nothing felt right. It was like my space had been invaded-- again. My goosebumps returned. Fear filled my chest and the rest of my upper body. I felt dirty, as though I'd been exposed to an outbreak virus that I couldn't wash off.

Some history:
When I caught B. cheating years ago, we stayed together for another year. During that time, I was never angry. I was never able to feel hate. All I felt was sadness and the pressure to take care of him above myself myself. I felt guilt every time I contemplated leaving him because of the pain I could cause him. I was scared of the potential devastation it would cause him. He would also never allow me to break up with him because he'd come back again and again and again. Until I was too exhausted to say no to him.

B. is a master manipulator who has womanized more women than I could ever count. I accidentally discovered him seeing 3 other women (I found this all out in a weekend period, spread out!)-- so can you imagine how many women he was with during our 2 year relationship? I'm not even considering how much he cheated when he had been in relationships before me.

I hate him now and I'm so glad I am capable of having feelings other than sadness and guilt. I hate him. I fear him. I am terrified he has found me and may show up at my door one day. 

In typical B. fashion, he will look at me with excitement, like we are long-lost friends who are re-united. He will act as though there has been no pain, betrayal, or damage inflicted by him. He will want to touch me, hug me, poke me, and he will crush my boundaries. I will want to curl into myself and disappear so that he can leave me alone. I will threaten to call the police again and I will consider it sexual harassment if he shows up. I've told him before that I never want to see him again. I've warned him that I will seek legal consultation if he ever invades my space again.  The problem is, he never listens to what I have to say and he will do what he wants to do.

It's such a helpless feeling to have. It's times like these, I feel so powerless being a woman instead of a man, being physically weaker, smaller, and less able to protect and defend myself. I want to be a feminist about this, but the truth is, I don't feel empowered in this case.

Couples Vacation

Jay and I have talked about taking a trip together to visit the city I lived in last year! I still have friends there. The summers are gorgeous there. And it would be my first trip with a partner-- ever.

I'm psyched, nervous, excited, and of course, there's dread.  I've realized that when there's excessive anxiety, I feel automatic dread.

I asked Jay yesterday how he feels about taking this trip in the next month. He's fine with it, and now the ball is in my court. Book those tickets?  I'm really quite nervous. What emotional reactions will I have when I'm back in the city reminiscing all the "should haves, would haves, could haves?"

What if I cry while I'm there because this trip is also a closure to the life I always imagined I'd be having? Flashing lights, happening people, city life.

What if, the things that are meaningful to me don't feel that way to him?

What if we want to do different things while we're there? Eat different things? See different things?

What if, what if, what if...

A couples trip is a BIG deal. I've heard that travelling can be a deal-breaker experience because that is when you see a version of your partner that is different from your day-to-day experience. That fact is nerve-wracking.

What if he sees something on this trip that completely horrifies him? (That would be me. He sees something in me that is horrifying?!)

NOT missing him

I haven't felt the familiar pangs of missing Jay in the last few days. I wonder why that is.  Could it be a bad sign? Am I feeling under-stimulated by this relationship? Or if I put on a positive spin, perhaps we are settling into a routine now?

Last Saturday was our 6 month anniversary of meeting each other. I found some old memories that dated us and he also recognized the significance of this month.  He said let's celebrate next weekend! So maybe we will. Who knows. He kind of lives in the moment, so we may forget to by the time we see each other.

I just feel so tired these last few days. I have been feeling constantly tired. I have to clean before he arrives. I have to do laundry. I have to make space for him.

I'm also anxious thinking about this weekend and the upcoming month.  All of my time outside of work is booked solid for the next few weeks: socially and professionally.  This weekend is a prime example of that kind of busy-ness that makes me feel tired already! Movie and panel discussion on Friday night, dinner/social outing on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and I asked Jay if he wanted to take a 4 hour road trip to a music festival. Why did I do that, by the way?

I feel so tired thinking about this weekend. I'm also nervous thinking about having to tell him about these plans. What if he thinks: Wow, those plans sound boring, I don't want to come. What if he thinks: I'm too busy and decides it's not worth his efforts to make the trip.

Anxiety + dread = immobilizing condition. No wonder I've been so unproductive in the last few days. No wonder I don't miss him. I don't have the energy left!

Me-time!

It's my first Friday being solo without the company of Jay!

I have a work gig tomorrow that requires all-day attendance, so I knew ahead of time we'd have 2 weeks apart.

I'm not particularly sad or missing him, actually.

Truth be told, I've been a tad excited about the possibility of having Friday night to myself.

Last night was the first Thursday in 6 months that I got to relax and do nothing. I didn't have to clean the house from top-to-bottom in anticipation of his visit. I also wasn't running around doing emergency laundry and packing for a weekend trip.

My agenda for tonight is to take Mr. Z. for a long walk, attend an outdoor festival to see some friends, and then head home for a relaxing night.  I'll need to board Mr. Z. overnight since I'll be out of the house by 7am tomorrow and only returning home late at night.  So, I definitely want to squeeze in some quality time with my sweet sweet dog.

Afterwards, I'll probably sit around and do some work in front of the TV. Yes, even doing some work tonight would be relaxing. The point is, I can just be tonight -- in my own mess-- and without having to cater to anyone else other than myself!

Tonight is me-time!

Do you ever run out of things to say?

I heard from Jay a couple of hours after my last post. He was completely unfazed by our lack of communication. In fact, he texted just as he has regularly done so for the last half year with: "Hey, how's your day going?"

Afterwards, we talked on the phone and there was quite a lot to catch-up on since we hadn't spoken in 2 days to each other. It was kind of fun to learn about what he's done in a whole 48 hour-period and to learn about all these new things he's doing. He's basically going on the paleo diet and has been drastically changing his eating habits. As if his physical fitness wasn't already extreme.  I can't get over how self-disciplined he is, and self-motivated, and driven. Man, that's sexy.

Sometimes, I worry if we'll ever run out of things to say to one another.  I worry that I might run out of things to say to him, so I'll bore him. And then he'll leave me! I also wonder if he'll run out of things to say to me and then he'll leave me because he'll think I'm too boring to talk to.

Oh, wow. I just realized that in both scenarios, I'm taking responsibility for both of us running out of things to say to each other.

What an ideal example of me being super doubtful of myself. I'm always wondering when I'll be abandoned because something about ME is not good enough. It's so exhausting to live this way, but I just don't know any other way.

Radio silence

Jay hasn't initiated conversation with me in > 24 hours.

He has not responded to my text from > 16 hours ago.

Who's counting the hours? I am!

Surprisingly, I'm OK.

My anxiety hasn't skyrocketed to outerspace. 

I am not mentally pacing.

I am also not drowning in self-doubt and self-blame. 

I am actually doing quite well, even if I say so myself.

That may change in the next few minutes or hours, though. 

For now, I'm choosing to believe he's suuuuper busy. 

A large part of my calmness has to do with his consistency throughout our relationship, so far. Since we initiated conversations in October, we have been in-touch every single day. Yes, every single day for the last (almost) 6 months! It is this kind of history that allows me to be okay with this temporary lapse (I hope) in communication. I mean, I'm his girlfriend, so he can't just disappear on me right now, can he?  I've met his brother and parents. There's no way he could just peace out on me just like that, right? Still, we have no upcoming future plans together so that part is a little scary.  Usually, when I begin to have some doubt about my relationships, I think about any upcoming events we've scheduled together to assure myself that he can't fall off the face of the earth.

As ridiculous as it sounds, thoughts like those bring me comfort. I think to myself: "He can't leave me right right now because we have plans to _____."  Or, "He can't dump me and slip away in the night because in 2 weeks we have plans to ______. It's simplistic thinking, I know. And as I write this, I'm wanting to laugh and say ha! As though that would be enough to keep 2 people together.  Still, it's how I've coped and so far, it has worked pretty damn well.

So, I'm going to keep coping and moving on with my day. Experiencing a little bit of anxiety but it's not dramatic and not bad at all considering I could easily be internally flipping out.

If only he knew that radio silence is the worst way to ever punish me. It is absolute torture and I would rather take direct (and even aggressive) confrontation from someone saying "I hate you! Get away from me." I would take that any day over this: not knowing, waiting, possibly being abandoned as we speak.

Weekdays

After spending weekends together with Jay, returning back on Mondays = sad reality check. Sundays are generally depressing. But strangely-- I think that I'm the only person that feels this way. He doesn't ever seem particularly sad or angsty when it comes to saying goodbye or missing me when we're apart.  I'm not wishing him sadness, of course. I wish he would at least have a little bit of a dismay when we part ways.

On Friday, I got there past dinnertime, so we went to a Mexican fast-food(ish) joint. We bought chocolates, candies and other necessities at a nearby store before meeting up with one of his friends to watch the 2nd installment of 300! It was great! I was on a high afterwards and wanted to kick ass! We didn't go to bed until 4am!

We woke up late Saturday morning and lounged around all day, watching more of the Twilight series and eating a delicious egg scramble made by Jay. In the afternoon, we went biking with 2 of his friends and overcame 10 miles! The weather was beautiful and it was so great to be outdoors!  Afterwards, we did some grocery shopping and some golf-related shopping so he can have all his equipment ready for golfing on Sunday. We ate paleo that night-- why? Because Jay wanted to! We cooked a spaghetti squash with marinara and ground beef and it was delicious! Afterwards, I was barely able to keep my eyes open...

On Sunday, we woke up groggy from all the late-night sleeping. Jay wanted to get some burgers for breakfast and I consented, even though I wanted to go grocery shopping at the local organic stores and eat at a salad bar. It didn't feel worth it to advocate for that. So, instead, we went to his favorite hamburger joint and I made a compromise with myself. I took the bread off of my sandwich and ate only meat. Paleo!  Afterwards, we did some more golf-related errands (even though all I wanted to do was go grocery shopping) so I can buy some goodies and head back home!

Over our burgers, Jay offered to lend me his key so that I can grocery shop even while he was golfing. I could return his set to his brother in the afternoon. I looked at him strangely and said that would be weird. I'd go with my back-up plan to take Mr. Z. with me and I would run into the grocery stores to grab what I want before driving back to my town. When I said that, he looked at me strangely and explained that if his brother didn't have a spare set of keys, he would have wanted me to keep a set, just because. As Jay spoke, his eyes burned into mine. I'd never seen such a serious look on his face before, one that said: "Don't think I've minimized your role or our relationship." The eye contact was so intense, and his face was so genuine, that I had to look away because I was so moved by him. I casually said OK even though my heart was pounding and I felt vulnerable and speechless. I couldn't believe Jay would let me have full access to his home while he was gone.  My traumatic experience of being with an ex-boyfriend/womanizer has done such a number on me. I just couldn't have imagined he'd let me have access to his home.  Having been with a serial cheater, I just assumed no guy would ever let me have complete and full access while he was gone!

Another super sweet thing Jay did was load up the cooler for me before he left for golf. Because it's a 2.5 hour drive back to my town, Jay bought some ice cubes and filled up his cooler before he left. He even wanted to help me load up the car, but I waved him off because he was already late!

After saying bye to him, I shopped and experienced such joy being back in hippy-dippy organic-food-carrying grocery stores. I love grocery shopping. Especially at stores that help me learn how to nourish my body. I had so much time on my hands too! I needed to give Jay's gate-opener back to his brother and he was busy so I had an additional hour to wander down each aisle. Afterwards, when Jay's brother arrived, we chatted for awhile and had deep conversations about his career plans and his relationship. We then decided to take both of our dogs to the dog park! In short, I spent 2-3 hours with Jay's brother and didn't really leave his town until the sun was about to set! By then, Jay was so surprised to hear how I spent the afternoon because he assumed I'd be home already! When I texted him pictures of some snacks I got him for the week: caramel popcorn, frozen blue curled kale, and a steak-- he responded with "I love you!" in his text to me.

Speaking of saying I love you... This weekend, I took a huge risk when Jay and I were laying in bed one night. As he murmured "I love you too" to me, I asked him at point-blank, "How do you know that you love me?"  His response was concise, direct, and left me with no words. He replied, with no hesitation:

1) "I like, no, I love spending time with you."
2) "I can be myself 100% when I'm with you."

"Oh," was all I could muster, before I cracked a joke to lighten the mood.

All in all, this was another significant weekend slash forward in our relationship.  This weekend, I got the key to his apartment. We talked about why he loves me. He also told me he loved me, proactively, and not as a response to me saying it first!  That's a big deal (to me!).

And now it's the weekday and I'm not seeing him for 2 weeks because of a work trip I'm taking this Saturday. It'll be like having 2 rounds of weekdays for the next 14 days!

Fridays!

Sometimes, I feel so homesick that my whole body curls up from the aching.

The feeling is so strong, but I can't even answer the questions: What is home? Where is home? Who is home?

There has been so much moving, relocating, changing in the last 3 years.

I've shuffled around the country...
My entire family has been bouncing around from country-to-country...
In fact, none of them are in this country, as we speak.

This homeless feeling I have makes my heart extra vulnerable to rejection and feeling displaced.

But, today is Friday, and as always, it's the most exciting day of the week.
I anticipate this day all week long. It is the day that either Jay comes, or I go.
This week, I'm going-- and that's actually more exciting to me than waiting for him to arrive. 

Going to Jay means I get to decide the timeline. I get to plan like I'm going on a vacation! The other major perk is that I get to leave in the end, meaning I'm not feeling the emptiness on Sunday after I wave him goodbye. I hate that feeling of being left. I prefer doing the leaving instead, not because I want to inflict the pain on someone else. It's not that. Leaving actually keeps me distracted since I'm forced to move forward and plan ahead instead of sit in my own fear.

Today is a rainy, thunderstorm-filled day. I feel nostalgic, reminiscent, homesick, and excited too. Again, so many mixed feelings!

In a few hours, I'll be heading down to Jay. I'll head home after work to pack for myself and Mr. Z and then we'll be off!  This weekend, I intend to challenge myself to tell Jay the things I like to do and don't like to do.  No more TV marathons or eating fried, unhealthy foods that I simply do not prefer. Well, there might still be some. I'm not sure how I'll go about telling him yet. Or if I'll be able to successfully convey that without backing down later.

How to spend time together

How do normal couples spend time together?  -- Probably not stuck at the hip during the weekends, right?

So far, that's how Jay and I have spent our time together. After a week of not seeing each other, we spend weekends completely immersed with each other with zero time apart. We sleep, eat, socialize, shop, and watch TV together.

As great as it is to be full-time cuddlers, this kind of bonding doesn't allow either one of us to have weekends doing things we would usually do. For him, that might be golfing with colleagues or riding his bike at 6am.  For me, that includes shopping and taking Mr. Z. on long walks or finding ways to be outdoors.

It's a strange feeling, being really content with someone while also feeling bored with your activity together. I feel terrible to be using the word bored, but that is how I feel when we're lying on the couch for hours: watching tv show after tv show (albeit, together).  All of last year, I lived without a TV! Being in front of the boob tube all weekend feels like the biggest waste of time to me and I'd much rather be doing something interactive together like an art project or some sort of physical activity. I've even wondered if we can take a couple of hours apart from each other before coming back together. He can watch TV if he wants, but I can do something that's going to make me feel productive about my weekend and also happy?

How would I request this?
AND
How do normal couples who spend their day-to-day with each other, spend their weekends?
How do couples who have long-distance weekdays spend their weekends together? Are you obligated to do everything together?

Finding inspiration

I've returned to scouring the interwebs for cool food blogs.

Specifically, I've been looking for raw, vegan blogs that showcase vivid, colorful, unprocessed food in their natural state. Raw zucchini lasagnas, eggplant towers, homemade sushi...

Picture after picture, I have felt inspired and rejuvenated to return to my previous lifestyle of eating clean. I can do it!

Silence = rejection?

Whenever I don't hear from someone, I envision they are actively trying to cut me out of their lives.
OR
That might seem too narcissistic, so sometimes I imagine that they don't think of me at all. You know the saying: "out of sight, out of mind."

Both scenarios SUCK because I am either a nuisance or too marginal to be considered. In short, silence frightens me because the list of options are exactly that:

1. You are actively and purposefully ignoring of me.
2. You easily forgot about me and can't be bothered to remember that I exist.

Both scenarios have happened with the same person: my first love! So, it's really not an unrealistic fear because they've both been my reality.

Today, I didn't hear much from Jay and I assumed the same. I thought to myself, "OK. He's seen you in every possible setting and is officially sick of you."

I envisioned him picking up his phone, looking at a text I sent, and then choosing to ignore it and do something else instead. That is scenario 1.

Scenario 2 is him being busy-- so busy that he hasn't looked at his phone all day and doesn't even think to do it because in his mind, it doesn't matter if I'm trying to contact him. He hasn't thought of me, so he's not  concerned about being in touch at all.

I was sad thinking about both scenarios but I plowed forward to do my work, cook dinner, and hang out with Mr. Z.

Around midnight, Jay texted to say he's been working all night. He then called to ask how my day's been, and then told me all about his busy busy day. He told me what he's planning for the rest of the week, he told me little details of today, like what he's eaten and what he fantasizes eating. He also told me he broke a spoke on his bicycle wheel (What's a spoke?) and then shared a funny story about a party that happened a few years ago with his professors and one of his colleagues.

As he shared these random tidbits, my heart calmed. My spirit slowly landed back on the ground. My sadness and anxiety slowly dissipated, and instead, laughter and warmth filled my soul. I thought to myself, "oh, I'm not invisible and I do matter to him."

Little by little, Jay has been fixing my dysfunctional, unhealthy, anxiety-ridden heart and giving me corrective experiences so that I am a little less broken than before.

With his phone call tonight, he showed me that he can be busy and still want me. There can be silence but it doesn't necessarily mean he is ignoring me or forgetting me. Apparently, silence isn't always a sign of rejection or abandonment. It doesn't always foreshadow impending loss and pain. Silence isn't always permanent.