Fridays!

Sometimes, I feel so homesick that my whole body curls up from the aching.

The feeling is so strong, but I can't even answer the questions: What is home? Where is home? Who is home?

There has been so much moving, relocating, changing in the last 3 years.

I've shuffled around the country...
My entire family has been bouncing around from country-to-country...
In fact, none of them are in this country, as we speak.

This homeless feeling I have makes my heart extra vulnerable to rejection and feeling displaced.

But, today is Friday, and as always, it's the most exciting day of the week.
I anticipate this day all week long. It is the day that either Jay comes, or I go.
This week, I'm going-- and that's actually more exciting to me than waiting for him to arrive. 

Going to Jay means I get to decide the timeline. I get to plan like I'm going on a vacation! The other major perk is that I get to leave in the end, meaning I'm not feeling the emptiness on Sunday after I wave him goodbye. I hate that feeling of being left. I prefer doing the leaving instead, not because I want to inflict the pain on someone else. It's not that. Leaving actually keeps me distracted since I'm forced to move forward and plan ahead instead of sit in my own fear.

Today is a rainy, thunderstorm-filled day. I feel nostalgic, reminiscent, homesick, and excited too. Again, so many mixed feelings!

In a few hours, I'll be heading down to Jay. I'll head home after work to pack for myself and Mr. Z and then we'll be off!  This weekend, I intend to challenge myself to tell Jay the things I like to do and don't like to do.  No more TV marathons or eating fried, unhealthy foods that I simply do not prefer. Well, there might still be some. I'm not sure how I'll go about telling him yet. Or if I'll be able to successfully convey that without backing down later.