Running away

Hi, I'm back.

I know, bad blogger, bad blogger.

Last week, with all that happened, I ran away from journaling, writing, reflecting, or even being mindful.  I couldn't stand to have a pity-party. And I really did not want to feel angry, either. So I decided to stop thinking altogether.

Instead, I threw myself into surviving the week and pretending B. never re-appeared back into my life.  I busied myself with planning Mr. Z's birthday party (yes, I did throw him a bday party), which required cleaning my house, baking a doggy-cake from scratch, buying actual cakes for the humans who are coming, and getting all sorts of party supplies for the big day.

Celebrating Mr. Z's bday got me through the week.  As Penny would day, "Look, he's saving you from B. again."

As absurd as it sounds to throw a birthday party for your dog, I did it!  I judged myself quite harshly throughout the process, and also ridiculed myself in the privacy of my own thoughts.  Here I am, someone who used to fear dogs and to mock those who carted their puppies everywhere.  And now, I am on the other side of the fence, doing exactly what I would have laughed at, merely a year ago.

Wait, who am I again?

But then I remind myself that this is how I love.  Throwing a party for Mr. Z. is not that different from when I threw B. a surprise birthday party 2 years ago.  Being in the foul mood that he was in, and considering he has 0 friends, I invited a group of my pals over for dinner.  He wanted to cook, so I assisted while he showed-off his skills.  I asked Penny to bring over an expensive ice cream cake and I prepared candles so we can surprise him after dinner.  The entire event went off without a hitch, and he was so pleasantly surprised.  It was quite wonderful to make someone happy and it made me feel like I was soaring on cloud now!  Until.... everyone left.  When the party ended, he wanted to alcohol, stat.  That's what happens when he got happy.  ALCOHOL! And when he got sad? ALCOHOL!  And of course, without a car, he wanted me to drive him to pick up liquor. 

Now, for me, there are few things I hate doing.  But liquor runs?

I DETEST liquor runs. 

I feel cheap going on liquor runs and I personally don't like the effect of excessive alcohol in people.  The entire night went from wonderful to bitter.  I ended up driving him to pick up alcohol and dropping him off at home.  I came back alone to my apartment and did all the cleaning up that you do after a party.  We had already yelled and screamed and there was just exhaustion and more exhaustion.  Ah, memories of that party.  How bitter that was, and not at all sweet.

This year, I was so happy to throw a party for Mr. Z. and to clean up for him afterwards.  We sang a birthday song (at my request), we ate cake, we cut his cake, we opened presents, and we laughed at me and this event that I made everyone come for. 

It was absolutely strange and fun!  And when it ended, it was still wonderful and that was a healing experience for me.  It was so reparative to know that I can love and give again, and not be damaged in return.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Mr. Z!

Thank you for coming into my life!

This is just the 1st of many more celebrations to come! :)

Deja Vu

The day after my confrontation with B., I went to school nervously, but was glad not to see him anywhere.

The day following that, I hoped he already left town so I could be at peace again.  How wrong I was.

Because of the anxiety/drain that I felt from his mere presence, I was taking naps all week.  I was trying to avoid reality and to do so by diving into unconsciousness.  When I woke up that afternoon, I got a voicemail from Connie saying she had seen B. and that she had something to show me. In a very short amount of time, I quickly went from groggy to anxiety and fear.  Is he still here? Why is he still here? What is he doing in town now? Hasn't it been 2 days later? Shouldn't he be gone already?

It turns out, Connie had a video to show me.  A video from when she caught B. walking hand-in-hand with a girl just outside our office building that afternoon!  She sent it to me and told me how surprised she was when she walked out the front door and saw him heading down the street (towards her) in broad daylight holding hands with someone else.  Connie had been so surprised she froze and then decided to video record him and this other woman on her phone!  She could not believe the coincidence and she wanted to make sure I know that I had NOTHING to feel guilty for from our last confrontation.  As she talked, she laughed, describing to me the scenario of her video recording him, and him being caught by her and shooting her glaring looks. She's certain that he recognized her.  She quickly sent the video and told me to call her after I watch it.

As I jumped into the car getting ready to buy last-minute groceries, I stopped at a red light and opened-up that video. 

There it was: in broad daylight, B. walking hand-in-hand with a red-headed girl. He's wearing the exact same clothes he had on when I saw him in our last two encounters. He is walking in the same nonchalant way he always walks. And when he sees the video/phone towards him, he glares at the camera person before turning his face down toward the ground.

As I'm watching the beginning of the video, I'm laughing out loud, imagining Connie pulling out her phone in the middle of the day, in the middle of the road, blatantly recording someone walking down the street.  I feel relieved that this video is about another girl rather than of him waiting for me at my office door. I feel liberated that he has moved on and I hope that it means I will finally be left alone by him. I feel such a large burden removed from my shoulder.  I feel like I can breathe again and also not feel guilty for our last conversation. But just as quickly as I laughed and am starting to feel good, I find myself suddenly starting to sob.  No tears come out, but I am heaving heavily and my breath is caught in my throat. My chest hurts, my nose is feeling that soreness before I start to cry, and my eyes are feeling watery and near-explosive. I don't understand what's happening to my body nor do I understand how I am emotionally responding.  Why did I laugh earlier? Why am I about to cry? Why does my heart hurt as though it is breaking again? Why am I so confused, and why don't I understand what is happening within me in this very moment?

I call Connie back and she is feeling celebratory about "catching him" and being able to show me the video. She's so glad to document the scum that he is.  She is shell-shocked about this coincidence and cannot believe he had the audacity to parade a girl around, just 2 days after writing me a note saying he is not dating.  She is certain he is a pathological liar.  And she is completely positive about him being very very mentally sick. She is happy for me and is so happy to share this with me. This should be wonderful evidence for me to feel better. Now I don't have to feel bad about our last conversation.  And now, I should be even more convinced that leaving him was the best thing I did. I agree with her--rationally.  Emotionally, however, I want to join her enthusiasm but I can't. I can't catch up to that enthusiasm and I need time to understand how I'm feeling first. I tell her I'll call her back and then I start driving.  And shopping. I wander the aisles in the grocery store and grab what I need. When I realize it's 9pm and I'm incredibly hungry, I stop by at a very new and already-famous burger joint.  It's already closing-time so I am the last customer waiting in line.  I order a burger and sit alone trying to eat console my body. Even after eating the entire thing, I'm still not ready to go home, so I go to another grocery store.  I head to a 24-hour grocery store this time and wander down every single aisle.  I call Penny. I call my mom. I tell them about the video and then I begin to openly cry.

In my car is where I cry.  But also in the store.  I tell them how mixed I feel and how confused I am. Although I am relieved on the one hand, I feel so betrayed on the other. I am experiencing deja vu, and it's like a sick sick game being replayed over for me.  2 years ago, I had gotten a similar message right after I caught him cheating with someone else.  It had been a Wednesday when I first caught him cheating.  And it was on that Friday that we went to couples counseling.  On Saturday afternoon, he called to say he was going to walk to the coffee shop for some coffee, and a few hours later, Penny called and apologetically gave me the devastating news.  Penny said sorry a few times and then said that she was at the park with her family.  She said she thought she saw me and B. together and had run up to say hi to us.  Before reaching "us", she realized that it was B. with another girl.  She saw him hold hands with this girl and before he looked up to see her.  When B. saw Penny, he quickly shoved that girl away, but she ran back to him to hold his hands. In the same way that B. had looked downward at the groun,d he did the same when walking past Penny. He avoided eye contact altogether and walked away as briskly as possible. I remember that when Penny told me this over the phone, her voice began to crack and she began to cry. She told me not to forgive him, not to listen to his sorry excuses, and not to let him into my life again.  This infidelity was not the same as Wednesday's discovery.  This girl he's cheating with was not the same girl I caught just 2 days ago.  This was someone completely different and it was within a span of 2 days that he was doing it. We had just gone to couples counseling the day before, and already, I was being lied to, again.  Once, twice, three times, who knows how many more lies there are?!

So.... that is my deja vu when I see this video.  Penny hadn't taken a video last time, but her words were just as good as my eyes. Within seconds of her call, B. had called and I had ignored about 10 of his calls before I finally picked up. He apologized first and then lied some more. He insisted that the girl was a friend and that Penny saw wrong. He concocted story after story after story. I won't delve into the details of that story in this post. That is a long long story for a different day. For now, it just triggered everything, in the same way an avalanche crashes and drowns you.

This video triggered me and continues to trigger my memories and my emotions.  What the hell, man. I thought I was broken before and that I was starting to heal now.  I thought I had hit rock bottom and that I was trying to climb back up.  I thought I was making good progress and starting to forget about this person and the pain he inflicted on me.  HECK, I thought this person would no longer be in my life and much more, I thought he could no longer ever ever hurt me. 

Boy, I was so wrong.  Boy was I ever so wrong... in every one of these questions, I was dead wrong.

Pre-Confrontation

Before running into B. in the parking lot, I had discovered a note jammed in the door of my car.

It was a note from B., from the day before.  In it, he wrote HI!!! He wrote that he was so happy to see me even if it was just for a few seconds before I went into a meeting with my advisor. He said he went to my office 1 hour ago but was not able to find me. He said he was in town for the next 2 days because he is working on a project with his former advisor. He said he wishes me well and he used terms of affection to refer to me. He emphasized wanting to thank me twice. He said that he no longer smokes. He no longer drinks. He's working on publishing his 3rd book. And last but not least, he is single and has not dating a prospective partner for marriage. Oh, and good luck at my meetings!

My reactions:
1. WTF, are you crazy? What world are you living in that you think our "seeing" each other was a good thing? I was so busy running away from you, why would you think it was a purposeful meeting instead of me avoiding you altogether?

2. How dare you use terms of affection to refer to me.  We broke up almost 9 months ago and it was not on good terms.  I said don't show up to my office, don't call me, don't email me, don't contact me in any way.  Why would you think we are even the slightest bit friendly with each other?

3. Good for you that you no longer smoke, drink, and womanize.  On the one hand, I am happy for you.  I hope you are living a healthier life.  On the other hand, I feel like his health has been exchanged for mine.  I lost so much at the expense of this change.  I've been dragged through so much pain for the good he feels now.  Ironic that he never thought drinking/smoking/womanizing was a problem.  Now you thank me for getting you out of all those nasty habits?

4. How does he know that I'm going to meeting after meeting after meeting?


Following our confrontation, I felt quite a lot of guilt.  I thought of his note and wondered about his efforts to change and be healthy.  In no way do I EVER want to be back with him.  Never ever ever ever ever.  I'd sooner jump off a high-riser than let him touch even one single hair on me.

But still, if someone is attempting to change for the better, shouldn't they get some bit of encouragement? Shouldn't there be some recognition of strivings for growth (even if their growth was at the expense of your health)?

So, that was my guilt.  And I did feel guilty for being so cruel, so mean, and so cold to him.  Therein lies that cycle where he makes me feel like I'm crazy, I'm mean, I'm the perpetrator and he's the victim.  So many friends have had to remind me that our dynamic is part of a bigger process, and not an isolated event.  I am not mean to him on this one occasion. It is the ONLY way to deal with him and to give him the consistent message that I do NOT want him near me.  It is also the ONLY way to respond to him, because any sign of softness will be interpreted as weakness and he will prey on me... again.  Still, I felt guilty and spent an afternoon hiding in my covers feeling very very bad.

Guilt

Guilt.  That dirty little thing.  It's almost as bad as shame, but it's actually very different.  It's about what you DID as opposed to who you ARE.  It's less of an identity-problem than shame, but it's worse in some ways because you can actually change it.  You can believe that if you did something different, you would feel less guilty. Whereas, with shame, there's nothing you can do to change feeling shameful... other than change who you are altogether, I suppose.

I had so much guilt after my encounter with B.  I felt so mean, cruel, so cold, and simultaneously, I felt disgusted with these feelings at the same time.  My run-in with him is identical to other encounters we have had.  Time and time again, when he has broken my heart, devastated me, and dragged my morale through glass shards, he will re-appear before me with a big smile and a big hug, asking me, "what's wrong?"  That is B.'s signature move and it killed me-- the most slow and gruesome pain I could have ever experienced. He did it to me over and over until I lost every shred of my identity and confidence in myself. I doubted every aspect of who I was, from my self-worth down to how I was feeling in-the-moment.  It was B.'s world, not mine.

What usually happens is something devastating in our relationship.  I just caught him cheating. We just had a huge blow-out fight. He just told me he has no intentions of pursuing long-distance dating and is just playing around until something better comes around. There will be tears, there will be pain, there will be heartache.  But a few minutes later, or even a few hours later, he will re-emerge completely differently. He will have a smile on him when I see him again. He will show up looking absolutely happy and acting like we have not seen each other in ages. As I stand there feeling like my heart is figuratively dripping with blood, he will run towards me with open arms and ask me what's wrong. He will put on a sad puppy dog face and tell me he loves me.  He will ask me if everything's OK, and he will play dumb and act genuinely concerned.  He will appear concerned to see that I'm crying-- as though he is shocked that I am crying. He will make me feel like I'm certifiably crazy because of how starkly different our reactions are.  And in time, I will wonder if I'm crazy.  I will wonder why he is responding like nothing has happened when he just got caught cheating. I will wonder how he suddenly became a different person from 2 minutes/hours or even 1 day ago.  As he embraces me, I will feel complete and utter confusion and I will wonder if I'm making it a bigger deal that it is.  I will wonder if I'm too petty, and if my reaction is too dramatic.  I will question why if I should even be angry, hurt, sad, betrayed, and confused.  I will re-consider if my reaction is actually legitimate, or if I am the strange one, and I should act so care-free, like him.

B. has done that to me a countless number of times.  Countless.  I am not exaggerating.  This happened so so so so much. That is why I fear him coming near me.  That is why when he smiles at me, asks me what's wrong, ask me how it's going, I freak the fuck out.  I seriously freak the fuck out in my head because it's happening again. He is manipulating with my identity, my feelings, my instincts, all over again. He is pulling me into his fantasy world and it is only a matter of minutes before I question everything I know.

In the 1-2 times that I've followed-through with my feelings, I will feel guilty afterwards. I will feel guilty for being in the same hurt/angry mode while he has already quickly switched into a lovey dovey/oblivious mode.  He will put on the most genuine look of confusion, although I have sometimes seen a shadow of reality sink in. From the outside looking-in, an observer would feel sad for him, that a woman is yelling, screaming, crying, and pushing him away while he looks concerned, loving, caring, and confused.  The scenario would look like a crazy girlfriend going ballistic while a patient, logical boyfriend is trying to understand and console her.

I remember when we went to 1 couples counseling session after I caught him cheating the 1st time.  Throughout the entire session, he repeated one phrase and did not say anything other than that.  His reaction to everything was: "... but i love her." He blocked out the reality of my pain and wanted to use that statement to make me forget all the pain and agony that I felt.

Me: Why would you do this?
Him: I love you.
Me: I don't understand! How could you? Why lie to me?
Him: But I love you.
Me: How can I trust you again?
Him: You have to. You just have to. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me: Just tell me what happened.
Him: I love you. I love you. I love just you.


In his world of inflicting pain (and having no consequences), I end up feeling crazy and mean and spiteful.  I end up feeling like I am crazy and he is normal.  I end up feeling like I am the problem, not him. And I end up feeling like I am the one hurting him, not the other way around.

That is the sick guilt that I felt from our relationship. Because he ran into fantasy world, I would feel guilty for being in reality.  I would feel guilty that I was so hurt and wanted answers. I felt guilty for thinking I hurt him, for thinking I confused him, for thinking I deserved an explanation. Both he and I gave myself this guilt.  And I am just as responsible for taking it on, and for letting him get away while I drowned myself in the pain AND the self-imposed guilt.

Confrontation

I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today.  I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.

I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug.  I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine.  When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me.  And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left.  I know he kept talking.  I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen.  I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away.  As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right?  This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?

For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.

Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.

The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me.  B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.

Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless.  I don't even know if I ever moved forward.  I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him.  It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again.  I feel like I am drowning once again.  I just want to crawl into my covers once again.

Nightmare come true

My nightmare came true yesterday. What I feared most actually happened.

B. came back into my life.

As I parked my car at school yesterday, my good friend Connie called and whispered a bunch of things I couldn't understand over the phone.  The only thing that made sense was, "where are you? where are you now?"  It turns out, she was standing outside of my office door, spying on B. who was walking up and down the hall waiting for me and knocking on my door.

I bolted as soon as I heard this news and didn't even stop to grab my jacket, my purse, or even the change that I needed to plug the parking meter.  I just started walking toward the building hoping to disappear somewhere.  At that precise moment of course, the door opens and who do you think is standing there headed straight toward me?

As soon as we make eye contact, I turn and walk in the opposite direction as fast as possible. I walk to another building and quickly run into the women's bathroom. Connie is on the phone now and she is on the heels of B., telling me that he is waiting outside the women's bathroom. Hearing this gives me even more chills and I quickly close myself behind a stall and wait in fear. When the bathroom door opens and I hear sounds of shuffled footsteps, I hold my breath and close my eyes.  Fortunately, it is Connie, and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. My knees are shaking, my hands are shaking, my heart is beating rapidly, and I feel trapped. He knows I'm in here. He knows where my car is.  He knows where my office is. He knows where my apartment is.  I am stuck, I am stuck, I am stuck.  I also have a meeting in 5 minutes and I don't know what to do. Why I am hiding in the bathroom and how will I get out, unnoticed? Connie asks me what I need from her. She wonders if she should go out first? She wonders if we should call the police? She wonders if I should just stay in the bathroom for as long as I possibly can.

I say no to all of the options and ask her to walk me to my next few destinations. First, to my car, where I must retrieve my items. Then to the office downstairs where I have to conduct an evaluation. I know I can't run too far, too long, and at some point, there will probably be a confrontation. At least knowing he's here takes the surprise element away so I can prepare... later.  For now, I have a meeting and I have to go. I have to go because I have professional responsibilities. I have to walk out, even if I just want to cower in fear and close my eyes and wish him away. The best thing is for Connie to accompany me because I cannot deal with a confrontation now. I do not have the time and I am not in the frame of mind. Maybe after the evaluation. Maybe after his existence sinks in.

We open the bathroom door and we walk out.  B. does not appear to be out there.  We go to the car and surprisingly, B. is not near the car either. Whew. Finally, we head to my office and just as I am about to make it to the clinic, the doorway on the other end of the hallway opens and there he is. At the same time, the side door opens and my advisor comes out and greets us. B. also looks at my advisor and greets him-- which is both strange and uncomfortable because my advisor does not know who he is. Everyone just freezes. We all stand there, the 4 of us, unmoving for a second.  Connie comes to her senses and asks me to unlock a door for her. It's a great excuse and one that buys me some time. I quickly do so and then walk away with my advisor. All the while B. looks at me from just a few steps away, waiting to see what my response is. The whole time, I act like like he's not there. Connie buffers our contact, standing right in front of me until I walk into the clinic.

Once I get into the clinic, my advisor asks me who B. is. My advisor felt the uncomfortable tension in the hallway and finds me looking unlike myself. I open my mouth to speak but the evaluation is about to begin and two of my colleagues are already waiting for us. I don't know how the next 30 minutes happened because I can't remember a thing. My mind is a blur. I don't even know if I made sense.

Afterwards, I visit Connie near my office for a brainstorming session of what to do. I'm still in shock and I'm afraid to go anywhere that I can be alone. Connie calls our campus police, posing hypothetical scenarios about what-to-do-if-your-ex-won't-leave-you-alone.  I'm still in shock and still in denial. I want him out of my life and as far away from me as possible. I don't know why he is here and what he wants from me. This is my biggest fear come true, and here it is, surrounding me, haunting me, following me.

Spiritual connection

Exercising has been my new form of therapy.  Wow, I never thought I would say that. And I also used to roll my eyes at those who would say anything remotely close to what I just wrote.  In fact, when I first started graduate school, we were asked about how we managed stress to take care of ourselves.  As we went around the room to ask about each person's strategies, I found myself shell-shocked at each person's response.  Almost all of them talked about some form of physical exercise, whether it's going running, swimming, taking a walk, or just some form of outdoor body-movement activity.  In my head, I rolled my eyes and scoffed, because I thought, "Yeah right! When you are absolutely stressed from a day of work, you're going to drag yourself home to lace up your sneakers to torture your body? Puh-lease. Stop lying."  Honestly, I couldn't believe how healthy those answers sounded.  The responses almost seemed fake and such a facade of goody-two-shoes. My answer was something like, "Watch copious amounts of TV, hang out with friends, and eat comfort foods/junk foods."

Well, well, well. It's now been 6 years later and how the tides have turned.  The people I used to scoff at are now... me.  Myself.  When people ask me about self-care, I will now probably say working out, taking walks with my dog, cooking, and of course, I would retain my earliest response of hanging out with friends and watching TV.  I would also add taking bubble baths because that is absolutely one of the most relaxing things I ever do for myself.

But anyways, going back to working out... My journeys to the gym are now spiritual.  I have recently felt that working out is now my new form of therapy.  3 times a week, I get up and have a specific destination to go to.  It is my motivation, it is my outcome, but it is also a process that I surprisingly enjoy.  When I am working out, I am very present, very grounded, and very focused on how I feel in the moment.  I am aware of my body, I am in-tune with my heartbeat, and I am letting out all the toxins in my body through my sweat (and maybe even tears when it gets hard! haha).  I enjoy that one hour of pushing myself to the max because it's really just 1 hour!  And no matter how fast time flies, that 1 hour of working out always feels much longer because it's so intensive and I so want it to go by faster). Throughout my life, I've always felt like working out was the slowest way to pass time.  It makes me feel like time isn't flying by, and that it actually can stretch out and seem like forever...

For me, working out isn't necessarily just those moments when I'm pushing my body, either.  On the days that I do not work out, I feel really good because my body is sore.  I feel very connected to the muscles in my body, and very aware that a) I have them and b) they are being stretched.  It's a great feeling to be sore.  I feel incredibly productive and achieved! I enjoy those days even more because I don't have to work out and because I am so grateful for the rest days.  As I let my body recuperate, I also envision my body getting leaner, my muscles getting stronger, and I find myself standing taller and actually feeling healthier.

The other benefit to my newfound body-awareness is my eating habits.  I am trying to be more aware of being hungry/full.  My physiological awareness is matched to my sense of being sore and being sensitive to feeling parts of my body that I wasn't aware of before.  For example, my rib area was sore this week even though I didn't even know I had muscles there!  Discovering these new parts of my body has been empowering.  It's a constant reminder that there is more to myself than I know.  It is also a reminder to listen to my body and let myself feel rather than just think. 

In all these ways, being connected to my body has been ever-so-spiritual.

It is my new and wonderful form of therapy.

Being alone.

Can't sleep on a Saturday morning at 6am.  Monday thru Friday, I am dying to sleep just a few more minutes after my alarm goes. But now look! On this bright and early Saturday morning, I find myself unable to sleep past 530am. UGH.

As I sit alone in my living room, I reflect again on my alone-ness and how spiritual this experience is for me.  When driving home last night, I found myself reflecting about my current lifestyle and how it's been healing me because I don't have to constantly keep taking care of others.

In the past few months, being alone has felt incredibly empowering. In almost all relationships, I feel the responsibility to take care of the other person.  Whether it is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even an acquaintance, I think about their needs/wants/desires/preferences. Especially in a romantic relationship, their stuff always trumps my own.  This is why I feel so empowered these days to eat what I want, do what I want, and stick to a schedule that fits me without having to consider another person.

I've also realized that my responsibility toward others is not just toward human life.  When I'm working at home, I think about Mr. Z and what he wants.  I'm distracted by his needs and so I struggle with getting my work done.  In the past week, I've spent entire mornings at the coffee shop so I can do my work without having him there.  Leaving him has felt pretty selfish, but I've also been working my way up to leaving and not feeling guilty about having activities outside-of-the-house.  Before having a dog, I used to be home very very rarely.  Other than cook, eat, sleep, and watch some TV, I was never really here.  But now that I have a dog, I spend as much time here as possible, even moving my social activities into my home so that I stay with Mr. Z.  In many ways, I am happier (see earlier post on my emotional, physical, and spiritual growth because of Mr. Z).  At the same time, however, I feel a decrease in productivity because I do feel anchored to my home.

Why is it that I can only focus on myself when I am completely and utterly alone?  Why can't I do it with someone else in the room or in my space? Why do I always prioritize others before myself?

The 2 places that allow me to focus on me is: 1) airplane/airport and 2) coffee shop.  Let me elaborate: when travelling, I have long enjoyed the fact that I can stick on my earphones and tune out the world altogether.  I can choose to make zero eye contact and I can focus completely and utterly on my thoughts, my getaway, my destination, and my plans. It's completely socially appropriate and acceptable.  In fact, it's the norm that most people don't talk to each other during those journeys.  Because I tend to fly at least once a month, I also look forward to it as an empowering experience between high up in the air, removed from everything and everyone.  You are simply alone and you cannot take care of others even if you wanted to.  I am alone from people, from things, from connections, from all sorts of responsibilities.  I would prefer not having the option of wi-fi in the sky simply because that's the one and only place that allows me to get away from it all.

As for the coffee shop, I also feel it is an "alone" experience because I sit alone in my own table.  My space is that table, and with the table being open, I am (happily) alone.  Having studied before with other people, I enjoy the social aspect but am also distracted by their needs as well.  Are they tired of studying? Am I talking too much/little? Do they seem like they are antsy to get out of there? etc. etc.  Yesterday, while sitting at a local coffee shop, I saw a couple study together at the table next to me.  I felt a stab in my heart and was reminded of my studying days with B.  That was probably what our life most resembled: study dates together because we commiserated over our doctoral work and enjoyed/needed to do work all the time.  And yes, on the one hand, it was great because it was both productive and semi-romantic at the same time.  On the other hand, I hated studying with him because he would stay for hours and hours while I got colder and hungrier at the coffee shops.  I also hated going with him because he would often make me leave early to drive him around to other places.  But the chauffeuring part is another story altogether.  That's just one sad story of being taken advantaged of and letting myself be constantly taken advantaged of.  My point about the coffee shop is that I love going alone! And the more I think about it, I am so glad that I will never have to go to a coffee shop with B. again. Seeing that couple yesterday made my heart ache but it also made me feel nauseous.  I hate B. right now and want nothing closely related to him or what we did together.  Romance is out of the question, and so is studying with a romantic partner.  Seeing all these couples make me want to gag.

What works for me?

I am 1 week away from eating Paleo all month.

I see these blogs and bloggers write about substantial changes that I can’t relate to and don’t see for myself. 

That’s been quite disheartening for me. 

Unlike all them, I didn’t do pre- and post- measurements. I don’t know what my body fat composition was before. I also don’t know what it is now. And unlike them, I don’t feel like my body is going through any evident, dramatic change.  But then again, I didn’t have any physiological problems to begin with.  I don’t have gastrointestinal problems, food allergies, insomnia, or any dry skin issues. Hmm… although my skin has been dry lately.  Still, I had no major health issues before; therefore, I am not experiencing any significant improvement/change now! Oh, and another difference between me and other people is my exercise level!  I went from no exercise to excercising 3 days a week!  How come I'm not having dramatic changes when they were exercising before, during, and after their Paleo conversions? I'm not losing 15 lbs, I'm not clearing up in my skin (OK I've never had acne), my joint pains aren't relieved (they've never been stiff), and I'm not sleeping any better either (I sleep the same, perhaps more poorly since I have to wake up early to go to the gym!).

For all these reasons, I wonder if Paleo is right for me. I question if I want to continue Paleo as a lifestyle change as opposed to a 30-day challenge. Do I need it?  I mean, do I really need it to improve my quality of life? I mean, why adopt this into my life permanently if I sense no substantial change? Why eat so healthily ALL THE TIME  when it’s so much easier to satiate my urges with delicious, immediately-satisfying processed foods? 

Because next Friday is my 30 day end-date (and also Mr. Z’s bday), I will be eating cake.  I will be consuming delicious cake (preferably ice cream cake). I also plan to indulge in some sort of cheesy pizza. At some point over the weekend (perhaps?), I will want hot broth with noodles. I envision having some Vietnamese rice noodles and eating the meat with some of the brown processed hoisin sauce. A good friend of mine has also offered to bake me one of her trademark desserts: pumpkin cheese cake rolls! Those are some of the cravings I fully intend to satiate.

Will I get back to Paleo afterwards?

...Maybe.

 I’m curious if I’ll feel sick after I eat all that processed stuff.  So many people have written about “cheating” on Paleo and feeling disgusting afterwards.  I wonder if I will. I wonder if my body will actually sense the difference? A big part of me really hopes I will. It would be exciting to feel sick afterwards because it will mean that my body actually responded to the changes!

Realistically speaking, I probably will maintain Paleo in a non-strict way (probably inside the home). I will try to cook Paleo, shop Paleo, and bake Paleo as well.  I will be more aware of processed foods, of chemicals and acids in the nutrition labels.  But I don’t know if I’ll say no to processed food ALL THE TIME. I am a foodie. I want to eat what I feel like when I’m out at restaurants or at friends’ houses.  I want to travel for the purpose of eating strange, exotic, special recipes! And if they're not Paleo, then sorry, I don't freakin' care. But I’ll definitely be more aware of what I’m eating and the contents of each item. In fact, I will compensate at home by eating simply, eating raw foods, and eating Paleo! And who knows? I can see myself doing strict Paleo every now and then as a form of detox! – Another 30 day challenge in a few months, perhaps?

Sitting with (no) hunger

I struggle with emotional hunger, hormonal hunger, or whatever the eff you want to call it. In my journey to being healthy, I have to fight this battle and win. I need to figure out why food often feels like a savior to me, both psychologically and physically.

In my family, my mom and I are known for getting sick when we get hunger.  We both get headaches, we both feel nauseous, and we both have reputations for getting better immediately after we eat.  In elementary school, I went home once a week for about a year because I had those symptoms.  I'll never forget the time when my dad picked me and took me to eat at a steakhouse during the noon hour. The nurse was not able to find my mom, so dad had come to take me home. Since it was lunchtime, we stopped at a restaurant, where, for the first time, I felt like I had 1-on-1 bonding with my dad.... and a steak to myself!  Afterwards, I was as healthy as a horse.

Today, my brother continues to make fun of me for being "sick" when I'm actually hungry. He makes fun of me for it, but the sickness feels very real. Because it feels so real, I actually fear being hungry and take preventative steps by making myself feel full.  Even when I'm not actually hungry sometimes, I wait until I feel just a little hungry... and then I quickly take the opportunity to eat... even if maybe I'm not actually that hungry yet.

An example would be... now.  It's 9pm right now and I am not hungry.  I had a very (healthy) fat lunch this afternoon, eating sauteed bacon and kale, and spooning half an avocado with an entire tomato. The fat content of my lunch has kept me very full and satiated for the past... 7 hours.  Wow. 7 hours! I should be celebrating not being hungry and not being nauseous or having a headache.

But instead, I am waiting very anxiously for a sign from my body to detect hunger.  I am not able to work on my dissertation. I simply sit and keep sensing my body, waiting to see if it might possibly be a little hungry. I tempt myself by thinking quietly, "Hey! I have food just sitting in the fridge. I have pre-made so many paleo meals and snacks that I really want to go stuff them into my mouth!"

But the problem is that I'm not hungry and this reality makes me feel even more anxious than I can imagine.  Why? Why?!

Is it because eating is how I relax?
Is it because eating allows me to watch TV, chat on the phone, and get away from my schoolwork?
Is it because eating requires cooking and prepping food-- and both things make me oh so happy?

Eating brings me so much joy. The preparation of it, the process of it, and the satiated feeling afterwards. I want to rush to it so badly, that I tend to overeat and to be overly sensitive to any sign of possible hunger.

So, as I sit here, I am fighting my body right now and stopping it from asking "Am I hungry yet?" every few seconds.  I am waging a battle against my brain that incessantly questions, "what about now? now? now? Are you sure you're not hungry and you don't want to eat something? The kitchen is riiight over there..."


This. is. war!!!

An ode to Mr. Z

I am grateful to Mr. Z for so many reasons. A few months ago, my friend Penny remarked that Mr. Z was the only one that actually saved me from my relationship with B.  No amount of help/advice from friends was enough to give me the final push to end it all.  Ultimately, it was Mr. Z that helped me get out of what was killing my soul, and making me feel like I had no will to move forward.  Mr. Z was the final reason that helped me to have the courage to finally break up.

What Penny may not know, however, is that ever since the breakup, Mr. Z continues to do so much for me. To begin, I've realized that I'm healthier because of him.  Emotionally, spiritually, physically... I'm healthier thanks to Mr. Z.

At the emotional level, I feel such unconditional love, loyalty, and support from him. He is so excited to see me all the time, and his kisses are so true, so authentic, and so in-the-moment. Mr. Z wants nothing more from me than just me.  He has no expectations for me, no judgment toward me, and no conditions linked to my self-worth.  He likes me for me.  More importantly, it's my energy he wants, and my smell that he wants, and all the things that I can't change and adapt. Mr. Z doesn't care if I gain weight, if I'm dressed like a bum, or if I'm in a foul mood. He likes me for who I am: just my being.

At the spiritual level, I find myself living life in a more grounded and present way. When we take walks, I am seriously detached from work and stress and focused on our walk. I actually breathe in the fresh air and smell the roses. I slow down immensely to enjoy what is happening all around me.  I hear the wind blowing, I feel the movement of the grass, I hear the birds chirping, and I revel in being part of nature. More than anything, I enjoy watching him zig zag around smelling all the things that our human noses can't detect. I wonder what he smells and what he's dragging me towards. I love imagining what he's thinking, what he's dreaming, and what he loves, and what motivates him. When I am spending quality time with him, I'm completely removed from technology. I don't walk with my cell phone, I don't watch TV when playing with him, I don't work on the computer when brushing his hair.  It's just us and our energies together!

Last but not least, is the physical health that he brings me. The most tangible evidence is that I walk 100X more than I did before.  Each day, we take walks outside: in the morning, in the afternoon, and before bedtime.  No matter how cold or hot it is, we walk, whether it is for 15 minutes or sometimes up to 2 hours! The point is, Mr. Z makes me move my body in ways other than being hunched over my computer!  Diet-wise, I've also changed significantly because of Mr. Z.  My journey to Paleo is partly inspired by Mr. Z.  Even before adopting him, I did a lot of research on dog foods and what's best for him. I learned that the fewer the by-products, the better the quality.  I learned that processed foods is also bad for dogs, and that products like soy and corn are terrible for their health. On a weekly basis, I spend a lot of money on Mr. Z's foods.  I choose the best because I select items with the least amount of ingredients.  One of my favorite snacks for him is a duck and sweet potato cookie.  It is part of the "Limited ingredient" items and contains exactly what it should: duck and sweet potato!  When I began to re-evaluate my food options while working out, I've also realized that I should be a little more picky with my diet, like eliminate soy and corn!  And funnily enough, that's exactly what Paleo emphasizes!  Eat whole, unprocessed foods!  Eat organic foods! Eat simple foods! Eat like how I feed my dog?

Now why didn't I think to treat myself in the same way that I treat Mr. Z?

Hence... my quick switch to Paleo these days, and my motivation to eat simple, unprocessed, and organic.  I treat my dog so well and want him to be so healthy!  Why don't I do the same for me?  Also, when the weather gets really bad here, I also put him on the treadmill for 15 minutes a day.  Seeing how I value his daily exercise, I've also wondered why I don't prioritize my health and fitness!  Hence, the extra motivation these days for me to sign up for fitness classes and to schedule routine work-outs at the gym.

If I compared my lifestyle now to my lifestyle last year (pre, during, and after my breakup with B), the change would be substantial. Dramatic. Life-changing.  Last year this time, I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life.  I was heartbroken, anxious, scared, and completely and utterly alone in my shame and my unhealthy relationship.  I couldn't let go, I didn't know how to let go, and he wouldn't let me go. I detached myself from friends, I did no exercise whatsoever, and I ate very poorly.  My diet was so sad, pathetic, and painful for me.  I didn't eat what I want.  I didn't cook what I wanted. I had to cook for him, for us, and I had to make all these decisions based on what he preferred. I couldn't even have my own personal space to sit, reflect, or think-- because he would never leave me alone. His fears of being alone suffocated me emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Yes, suffocating is the best word to describe the feelings he gave me.  In contrast to where I am today, where I am growing, thriving, and feeling myself recovering, I was in the complete opposite place just months ago: drowning, suffocating, and losing the will to even flail as I disappeared into the quicksand.

Thinking about all this brings back some pain, some heartache, and a lot of sadness.  I'm sorry I went through that. And I'm sorry I couldn't be where I am now.  But I'm also uber grateful for now, and uber grateful for the changes I've since made in my life. These days, my day-to-day life consists of joy, liberation, inspiration, and healthiness that Mr. Z gives to me. 

Thanks, Mr. Z.  This is my ode to you!

So, this is how I love.

Mr. Z's birthday is coming up!
I knew this was the case, but I didn't know the exact date until I looked at his adoption papers this week.
March 16, 2009-- my little boy is going to turn 3!

I can't begin to tell you the excitement that I had this week. I went into full-on party-planning mode and looked up birthday cakes and dog cake recipes for him. I felt an out-of-control excitement about making his FIRST birthday with me very special and very meaningful.  For him and for me! With a history of abuse and such serious separation anxiety, I want to celebrate Mr. Z. and let him know he is SO loved and adored.

In the midst of scouring the internet, I had an out-of-body experience watching myself get so excited.  I wondered, "who am I?"  "Who is this woman who is so excited celebrating a dog's birthday, and even planning to have a party and party invitations to friends with and without dogs?"  "Who is she and what did she do to the person that was there before?"

The me before = dog-hater.  Yes, I hated dogs starting at the age of 8 when my brother (age 6 at the time) was attacked by an Akita and almost had his entire right ear bitten off. I was next to my brother when it happened and we were at my dad's friend's house having a BBQ celebration on a warm summer day.  It should have been a perfect night, and I remember even thinking that when it happened.  One minute, I was feeling present and grateful for such an amazing summer night.  The next minute, I heard a sound and turned to see the gigantic Akita on top of my brother.  The night quickly turned from heaven to hell.  Absolute hell. We rushed to the ER, the doctor was an asshole who took his time coming (he had the audacity to ask if we would pay cash because then he'd come faster), and then afterwards, I had to go home with only my dad and worry about my brother.  I thought about giving up my ear for my brother. And it really was such a painful and terrifying process for him. After that incident, my entire family hated and feared dogs. Even teenie tiny ones like Yorkies and Chihuahas.  In college, when walking from one place to another, I would change paths if I saw someone heading toward me walking a dog.

Yup. That's the backstory. That's why I'm sometimes still surprised that I a) adopted a dog this year, and b) love my dog as much as I do.  It's even more of a surprise that I'm soooooooooooo into celebrating him and being the animal lover that I never thought I could be (and would actually roll my eyes at)!

So, now you can see why I'm in disbelief about my own behavior.  I realized I needed a reality check and quickly messaged one of my oldest childhood friends to ask her what was happening to me.  I asked her the same questions I asked myself!  "Who am I?" Am I acting out-of-character?" "Why am I acting so out-of-character?" "What is happening to me?"

When she responded, her answer was better than anything I could have ever come up with.  Yay! Thank goodness for friends who really really know me-- even better than myself sometimes!  She said to me that she did NOT think I was acting out-of-character and that I'm quite consistent with myself.  She remarked that THIS IS HOW I LOVE and THIS IS HOW I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED-- whether it is for a family member, for a partner, etc. etc.  She said that for me, it's clear that I love Mr. Z. and want to make him happy.  So, taking all this into consideration, she did NOT think I was behaving strangely, and in fact, she thought I was being VERY VERY ME.

Her response set be back.

Wow.

That was such an eye-opening response and a very compassionate way to see myself.  Since getting her perspective , I've begun to reflect on why I'm so judgmental towards myself, and why I'm not able to be more strength-oriented when it comes to viewing myself.  I also learned through my friend's modeling of how to treat myself. Rather than frame my excitement into something negative, my friend reminded me to see myself in a positive light, in a realistic but encouraging light, and to offer myself more kindness, non-judgmentalness, and of course, compassion to myself.

Excitement!

Confession: I have a mini-crush on my gym trainer. He is a good source of motivation to wake up early and go to the gym. He is a good example of fitness and Paleo eating. He is nice enough to let me text him to ask all sorts of questions at all times.

Is that bad? Is that embarassing to admit? Am I being so healthy these days because of a cute guy?
I've had to re-assess whether my commitment to eating Paleo and working out regularly is because of him. Is it?

Am I invested in eating Paleo and going to the gym because I'm attracted to someone who is practicing this kind of lifestyle?

In order to get this answer, I've been doing 2 weeks of self-monitoring and assessing myself.  After much self-reflection and self-assessment, my answer was no.  Then yes. Then maybe. And now, no.  Although maybe could still be an option later.

The reasons I say yes is because I am exposed three times a week to someone who is Paleo and super duper committed to working out and looking goooood while helping me do it.  The other reason is that when he seemed disinterested in me, I jumped off the Paleo bandwagon and cheated immensely: eating ice cream cake and spinach artichoke dip.  After that meal, I was so mad at myself and wondered if I changed my eating habits for him . Crazy question, right? But it wasn't.  It was a very honest question that I had to answer.

As I've continued to work out with him, I've come to the conclusion that he doesn't like me (romantically), and yet, I'm still determined to work out regularly and to eat as healthily as I can. After realizing that this was the answer, I changed my answer to no, because I am committed to healthiness because I CHOOSE TO BE. I'm not following this healthy lifestyle because of someone else. I'm doing it for me. Besides, I started working out even before hiring him to give me my 10 workout sessions.

Meanwhile, I've also realized the perks of liking someone, even if it is just a one-way street. It's nice to have a crush, to flirt, and to look at a guy who has a fit bod and who is so-patient with telling me how to improve my body/health.  Maybe that's why I've found him so attractive.  For the first time in my life EVER, I feel attracted to someone for who he is rather than what I imagine him to be.

I have NEVER liked anyone for the simplicity of who they are.  It's always been who I project them to be.  I imagine and wonder what kind of boyfriend they would be. I fantasize the possibilities of them being a good husband, a good father, a good son-in-law, etc. etc. I create endless scenarios about having a future together, when in truth, I don't even know them that well at the beginning.  This time around, however, I imagine nothing about my trainer and want nothing more. I'm simply look forward to meeting with him to , learning from him, watching him, and also checking him out while watching his moves. Haha! Talk about living in the present!  That's exactly what I'm doing. Enjoying the present and not flying off into possible dreams of the future.

My tendencies to skyrocket into la-la land make this crush all the more meaningful.  It's sooo nice to like someone just for who they are, and to want nothing more. I like my trainer because he's a) nice, b) patient, c) hot, d) physically healthy and seemingly emotionally healthy, e) knowledgable, f) passionate about nutrition and health sciences, and e) has a gorgeous body.

That's it! Those are the facts! And those are based on my real experiences rather than my imaginations. It's great to just like someone and leave it at that. At this point in time, I want nothing from him other than the enjoying of being able to feel attraction toward someone. It's unfamiliar for me to just like someone and not want more. However, I am also in-touch with myself enough to know that I do not want to be in a relationship right now. I cannot offer myself to anyone right now. I refuse to make compromises or sacrifices right now.  And I simply don't know enough about myself to even date to be in a relationship right now.

These realizations bring me back to my initial statement about being honest. Am I doing Paleo and working out routinely for someone else? Is this another example of adapting to someone else (because I like them or were in relationships with them)?  I can firmly say that the answer is no.  No, because I'm aware now that I adapt too easily to others' hobbies and interests.  It's true that I pride myself on being open-minded and able to like many many things.  But to actually call it my "hobby" is different. In the past, if the person I was dating had hobby ____, then I would also be open to having hobby ___, or interest ____.  I didn't even know I was doing it, but I did!

I do not want to do that again.

Instead, I want to learn more about myself these days and to nurture myself into being physically and emotionally healthy. I am still in recovery! I am still healing from the last relationship! And I need to learn more about me. Which is why (for now) I am just so happy to be able to feel attraction for someone.  Being able to just like someone makes me happy. But it's also just a perk, and not the reason I'm striving for holistic healthiness. I mean, come on! I started this blog months ago!