Confrontation

I actually ran-into B. in the parking lot today.  I choose to believe it was an accidental encounter, although I wouldn't be that surprised if he had planned it.

I stood in shock and exasperation as he started laughing and saying what a coincidence it was. He laughed for a long time. As he laughed and commented on seeing my car and also parking 2 spaces away from my car, I looked up at the sky and said to myself, "ugh, I must be cursed." When I asked what he wanted from me, he said it was a coincidental run-in and completely unplanned. He asserted that he didn't even call me! And then he laughed some more. I coldly told him to "keep it that way" and started shuffling my feet to prepare to leave. In seconds, he was within arm's reach attempting to give me a huge hug.  I quickly jumped back and stuck my hand out to maintain the distance between us. As seriously I could, I enunciated every word: "Do. not. touch. me. " He laughed as though I said a joke and he looked confused. True to my understanding of him, he acted like we were long-lost friends and asked me how I'm doing. He didn't take "fine" for an answer. He kept asking me, "really? really?" as though I couldn't possibly be fine.  When I asked him what he wanted from me, he repeated that he wanted nothing because we were actually running into each other by accident in the parking lot. Our encounter probably lasted less than 2 minutes but it felt like much longer. I know that within that time, he tried again to hug me.  And again, I moved quickly and asserted that I did not want him even near me, much less touch me. I don't remember what happened in the end, just that I said goodbye and left.  I know he kept talking.  I know he said things like "take care" or blah blah blah but I couldn't bother to listen.  I just needed out, away. I just wanted him to be far far away.  As I walked and heard his voice in the distance, I felt scared but also liberated. This is it, right?  This has to be the last encounter, right? I'm making it crystal clear, aren't I? He won't follow me because he's finally getting it, right?

For some reason, I don't think I'm in the clear yet. I still have 1 more day before he supposedly leaves my state/city/workplace. At any given time, I fear he will show up. I fear he will corner me. I fear he will touch me and impose himself on me. When I think about what I'm most scared of, I think about that feeling of being trapped, stuck, dirty, and helpless. After our encounter today, I also realize that I fear exactly what I feel now: empathy, pity, and even guilt.

Following our confrontation, I had meeting-after-meeting-after meeting. I had such a headache that I took the afternoon off and returned home for a nap. I was just so tired. So frickin' tired and so avoidant of my feelings. I've spent the entire afternoon wondering if I was too mean. Wondering if I hurt his feelings. Wondering if he feels ambushed by my coldness and if I was uncharacteristically cruel.

The logical side of me knows I had to be clear, consistent, and cold. I want nothing to do with him, and every inch I give him will become part of what he takes from me.  B. does not take no for answer. He can smell weakness and he knows how to take advantage of when a woman softens. Being the professional womanizer that he is, I know that being cruel is the only way for this to work. But in my heart-of-hearts, I also hate that I've had to change myself to respond to somoene. I hate having to be so out-of-character, so angry, so hurt, so sad, and so weak that I have to be mean instead of be peaceful from within.

Today, I am far from feeling peaceful. I feel disappointed, sad, and a little hopeless. I feel like all these weeks and even month(s) of growth were pointless.  I don't even know if I ever moved forward.  I feel enveloped in sadness and I am feeling so vividly, that angst I felt when I was with him.  It is a mixture of sadness, confusion, anger, fear, guilt, all mixed together and sapping every little bit of my identity and motivation. I am in it, once again.  I feel like I am drowning once again.  I just want to crawl into my covers once again.