What to do with anger

If you ever ask me if I'm angry, my answer would be no.

I don't think I can even recognize what my anger looks like. I can't tell when I'm feeling it. And I don't know how to respond when I eventually see that it's part of me.

I've been angry for the last few months and I didn't even know it. In my work situation, I'm a minority in so many ways: the way I think, the way I do my work, the emphasis I place on making relationships work, and my thoughts on training. I am different in all of these ways, in addition to being a minority in race/ethnicity and relationship status (not married).

For the last few months, work has felt oppressive. People mock what I do through snide comments. If a student is passionate about making societal change, they roll their eyes and make jokes about this person being successful in the academic world. Then they say, "Oh, Sher, this student should work with you!"

People mock how I think change happens. Students think my work is unscientific because I value the importance of studying culture. To them, culture is not scientific. They don't think that because my colleagues don't seem to believe that to convey the message.

In turn, when I have been training students, I have been shell-shocked by their lack of emphasis paid to strengths, relationships, and connection. I have been angry about how these things are treated, and how undervalued they are. You would think that my response would be to model strengths, relationships, and connection. That would be smart. That would be constructive! But I got angry and I didn't even know it. I began feeling like it was incredulous for people to focus only on pathology and weakness. I became defensive and judgmental. I forgot that I was no longer a student and that my defensiveness has power.

I've been looking back and recognizing that I've been so angry at my environment, at the larger culture, and at myself, too. I wish I could have noticed that I was feeling anger. And then I wish I could have addressed it in a better way. I'll learn from this experience, but it also really hurts to have realized this... the hard way.