Loneliness in a relationship

One of the worst feelings to have while in a relationship, is loneliness.

I remember that feeling as having my soul sucked out of me: feeling like I am worlds apart from the person I loved even though I am sitting directly next to him or even laying in bed with him beside me. It's the worst kind of alone-ness one can feel.

Let me clarify that being alone is NOT the same as being lonely.  There are plenty of times when I am alone and perfectly content. Being alone can be empowering and joyful.

But being lonely? That can never be empowering or joyful.

One of the perks to being single is never having to feel lonely when with somebody. If you feel unheard, uncared for, or underappreciated, then you can move forward and hang out with someone else. No harm, no foul. There's plenty of friends out there that you can make.

But when you're lonely in a relationship with a partner? It's like being in a black hole. There's no one else you can go to and share those feelings. If you did, then you'd be engaging in some sort of emotional cheating or infidelity. So, it's completely yours to bear, all that loneliness, sadness, isolation, and feeling like he is un-reachable to you. And you are also un-reachable to him.

When you stop waiting around...

There's a saying: "a watched pot never boils."

This idiom refers to time feeling longer when waiting for something to happen.

In my case, it's me staring at my phone. Waiting for a text. Waiting specifically for Jay to text. 

That is how I've spent the last 5 days and my days have felt eternally long-- in a bad way. Today, I decided no more of this waiting around! I'm a busy girl with busy things to do! So I've been re-focusing myself to get my work done. In fact, I just went to a meeting (without my phone) and when I returned, I see a text from you-know-who:

"Jay: I get to see you tomorrow!"

Relief. Swoon. Relief.

I prefer this kind of pendulum swing MUCH more.

Taking risks

Remember when I tried to start the "I am love-able challenge" but failed? I made a grand total of 2 entries and then stopped.  All my posts thereafter were insecurity- and anxiety- filled. BUT instead of seeing that as a failure, I hereby revise the challenge! Who said my challenge had to be daily? I will simply celebrate spontaneously and as good things emerge!

Take for instance, last night.

After so many days and nights of insecurities, I decided to take initiative and be proactive. 

I reached out to Jay and asked how he was doing. I asked if he wanted to skype. Later that night, I double-checked again to see if he was still up for our videochat.

What was especially unique about yesterday was learning that Jay threw his back out when working with animals in the morning. My immediate reaction was to step-back and sacrifice my needs. In the past, I would have thought "oh, forget it. I won't ask if he still wants to talk. He probably needs rest and recuperation. I don't want to get in the way."  Meanwhile, as the day would progress, I would feel sadder and sadder, having given up my needs and wishing he would reach out to me. I'd feel sad that he isn't saying, "let's still talk! I miss you!" I'd definitely interpret that as some sort of "he doesn't like me as much as I like him."

My pattern, I think is this: I'd offer him space, and when he takes it, I'll see it as rejecting me. I'll feel unwanted and my needs (i.e., missing him, wanting to see him or at least talk to him) will be suppressed. I'll feel like I'm sacrificing myself and over time, I'd be feel anxiety-ridden and resentful.

As I've come to be more aware of my own interpersonal style, I decided to break the pattern! So yesterday, I took the risk of putting-out my needs and asking if they can be met. He said "of course!" and we had a great skype-chat where much of my insecurity was abated. How did my anxiety decrease?

• His face makes me happy
• He made references to this weekend and spending time together
• He expressed interest in joining my friends and I later this week for a celebration
• He asked me how I was doing
• He made the appropriate disappointing sounds when I told him crummy things about my day
• He joked about my body and his appreciation for "feeling it" because I've been "feeling" sore from working out lately.
• At the end of our chat, he ended it with: I'll talk to you tomorrow?

It's pretty lame that each of these bullet-points are pieces of evidence for me, so I can be sure that he continues to like me and not want to leave me. It's pathetic, I know. But that's where I am, now, and I can tolerate that.  I certainly don't love this part of me, but I'll accept it for now. 

Ah, self-compassion. Another positive!

Having needs vs. being needy

Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.

(Quote from one of my favorite movies: Wedding Crashers) 

I called my therapist this week and cried. We haven't spoken in 6 months, and without taking time to catch-up, I told her about Jay and the anxiety that is eating me alive. She reminded me to think about asking questions as addressing my needs versus being clingy or needy.  Last year around this time, she had caught me using those words to describe myself-- and we talked about my fear of appearing clingy or needy in a relationship. She said that in a span of 5 minutes, she counted me saying those words 4 times to describe myself!

I am fearful of having conversations with Jay about what I want need.  Asking for something from him feels needy.  I imagine that other people don't need or want as much as I do.  I envision seeing myself from a third-party perspective and I feel embarrassed of what I see. I am demanding, overwhelming, and asking for so much. Probably too much. I fear that he will think that I am too much and then he will leave. So I shut my mouth and stuff my questions inside, saved for when I am alone.

My wonderful therapist reminded me that I have always been curious and needed answers-- not only in romantic relationships-- but throughout my life.  In childhood, when I wondered about my parents' marriage under the threat of divorce, I had a million questions then:

• Who will I live with if you separate? 
• Will I ever see mom again? 
• Will I ever see my brother again?
• Am I going to survive living with dad?
• Can I survive with you?
• What am I supposed to do?
• How am I supposed to make the situation better?
• Should I act tough even though I'm terrified?
• I am so scared, can someone please explain what is happening to me.

Decades later, I still have these questions, although they are now in adult relationships and the anxiety is even more intense.

Outside of relationships, I also have a similar pattern when it comes to learning. I have curiosity and questions that need to be answered before I can move forward in work, school, etc. Back in 3rd grade, I had to complete an entire page of fractions during one class session. At the time, I was still confused about fractions and wanted to solve 1-2 problems to ensure their accuracy before moving forward with the rest of the worksheet. However, my teacher forbade us from making any noise or disturbance. We had to sit silently and fill-out all those questions at once. I could not do it.  I could not finish that worksheet because of my insecurity that I didn't know how to solve fractions. I feared everything would be incorrect if I just did them my way without checking the answer first. So, I ended up pretending to need kleenex and walking around the classroom to see how my friends were responding.  My teacher "caught" me walking and I got in major trouble. And yes, she was shitty teacher.

Today, this pattern remains and is how I operate. I need to see how something is done before I do it. I need to hear it, then observe it, and finally, I can do it myself. I need all my questions answered. After which, I flourish via scaffolding, assurance, building-up small dosages of confidence and self-efficacy. Once I have that system in place, I can hit the ground running and do 10X more than other people. My productivity is unbeatable once I'm assured of what I'm doing. Without that initial foundation, however, I am insecure, confused. I am a... child. Wow, I hadn't realized that until I wrote it out.  I feel lost, unsure, dubious of myself and what I should be doing. Much like how I feel now, which I suppose makes me regress to being... a child.

So,  I guess those same questions I asked when I was a kid? Those are the exact same fears in my adult romantic relationships now.


(photo courtesy: ever upward)

Am I "highly sensitive?"

According to this article on the HuffPo: 16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People, I definitely meet the criteria for being highly sensitive.

Can anyone else relate?

Swinging from extreme emotions

I am emotionally reactive now and all of last night because Jay has not responded to my text at 8pm last night, or to my phone call at 10pm after I got out of work.

It is now 9am and I feel livid and fearful.  Livid because I've been ignored and discarded. Fearful because I wonder if something has happened to him.

My pendulum swings in extremes: anger, fear, anger, fear, anxious anxious anxious.  There is no middle ground unless sadness is the middle ground.

10 minutes ago, I saw his name pop-up in green in google chat, meaning... he's alive!  And my fear quells and my anger goes up.  Seconds later, my anger goes down, and sadness enters the scene.  Is he choosing to ignore me then? Is he consciously deciding not to respond to me?  Cue self-doubt: Did I do something bad to change his feelings from liking me to not caring about me at all? Return to scene: anxiety.

This is how the cycle works.  It is a series of pendulum swings, cycling from one negative emotion to another, until exhaustion takes over me and I go to sleep.

(photo courtesy thanks to: life & science)

Being emotionally "reactive."

Have any of you heard the terms "reactive" to describe a person's emotions?
I use this word in my field of work and the best and most concise definition I can think of comes from Desert Alchemy -- and boy, does it it so aptly describe my experience.

emotional reactivity

1. involuntary and usually overly intense reaction to an external emotional stimulus, which often leads to feeling victimized by your emotions
2. an opportunity for repressed emotion to inform you of its existence

I am incredibly emotionally reactive in romantic relationships.

If I text you, and you don't text me back, I will flip-out.  My emotions will be out-of-control and feelings of hurt, helplessness, fear will erupt within me, even if it can't be seen by the human eye. Later, when he does respond, I will then burst into tears of relief, taking comfort in the fact that he's neither dead or gone missing, but that he's figuratively here and responding to me.  

That is the prime example of my reactivity and what I go through without fail with each partner.

My anxiety is eating me alive.

Yup, just read the heading: my anxiety is eating me alive.

I decided last Friday (at the last minute), that I wouldn't drive down to see Jay. It was a difficult decision to make, but my body expressed sheer exhaustion, thus forcing me to be true to what I really needed.  He was actually perfectly OK with my decision and still excited that I'd be coming the following weekend. Whew.

With the weekend devoted to myself, I did a lot of self-care. I slept early, prepared groceries and cooked for the week, spent much-needed time with friends, and basically regained my pre-boyfriend social lifestyle.  It was great. AND I missed him immensely.

I've been missing him a lot, and it saddens, angers, and frightens me. Being attached to someone is terrifying because the outcomes of past experiences have been so devastating. So far, I've kept my guard up with Jay. He hasn't seen my insecurities. He has yet to see me cry.  It makes honest conversations very difficult to have because I can't imagine talking about the future without revealing both of those dirty parts of me.  Yes, I said it. Logically, it makes no sense. But emotionally, I feel ashamed to have so much anxiety and fear about our relationship, and about any romantic relationship in general.

So, for the last 5 days or so, I've been immersed in insecurity. I wonder if he continues to like me. I fear he has lost his feelings for me or gotten used to my presence. I'm scared he's planning a future without me.  It's so rare to feel so powerless because unlike other times, I'm not the one leaving; I have no control over the outcome or process. 


Funnily enough, I also realize that part of my anxiety is not knowing what my future holds based on what I want. Do I want to stay in this rural community? Do I want to return to the big city? Could I be happy here, and would my decision to stay-put have to do with Jay, entirely?  Those big questions also circle me and the anxiety is overwhelming.

How much of this anxiety is about my decision to make?

And how much of this anxiety is about his decisions and its impact on me?




(link to everyday feminism's: how to have a healthy long distance relationship)

What will happen to us?

I've been preoccupied all week, wondering when Jay is graduating and what will happen afterwards. When I think about it, 2 feelings rise from within me:

1. Sadness
2. Anger

Why sadness? Because I feel certain about us breaking up. He will either leave me or we will be in a long-distance relationship.  He may be in a different country, a different state, a different city for sure. I'd have to re-experience long-distance again, similar to my first-ever relationship.

Feelings of anger also come up because I feel angry we haven't talked about what happens to us when he graduates. I spent so much time and energy cultivating the language to talk to the men I was dating last year. I would tell them on date 2, in month 2 at the very least, that I was leaving and to check-in on how they felt that would impact our relationship.  Jay has not done that. He has not asked for any of my input about my future. Leaving me to wonder if he even cares about our future. Am I in his?

Anger and sadness fuse together into one blazing ball of... pain. Hot tears burst out of me and I find myself unable to stop sobbing.

Why am I always the one initiating the conversation on "What happens next for us?"
Why hasn't anyone else ever cared, much less cared enough to ask me?

When B. was about to graduate and was planning his future a few months beforehand, I had asked him what will happen to us. He told me he could not guarantee the future nor give me a final answer about us. He "hate[s] long-distance." That's what he said, and we had already been in a 2-year relationship.  It was too painful accept then, but he was telling me:

"Goodbye dumb girl! I've been using you for the last 2 years while I'm here, and once I get to leave here, then it's good riddance to you too!"

If someone I was with for 2 years could leave me like that, then why wouldn't Jay (who I've only dated for 4 months) also say sayonara, baby! What else am I supposed to expect?
And if he anticipates long-distance dating, then why hasn't be bothered to have a conversation with me about it?
Am I supposed to just agree to it?  Because that's not how it's worked out for me when I've been the one to leave.

In my scenarios, all of the guys have gotten up and said "thanks, but not thanks" and then walked out of my life. How can he expect, without even talking to me, that I'll just say, "OK" and not even care about me or how I feel?

(photo courtesy from Tips to consider before entering a long-distance relationship)

The shadow of his exes

My insecurities are getting the worst of me today.  I'm telling you, it's the post-Valentine's blues!

I recently learned that Jay has been in a total of 2 relationships.

1. Ex-girlfriend #1 was his first love that began during his junior year of high school when he said he was with a "ghetto" chick for 1 year. They ended things because she was overly possessive, jealous, and in his words: "toxic."  
2. Ex-girlfriend #2 was a relationship that started in his senior year of high school and lasted 10 years.  Yes, you heard me, 10 years. Much of that relationship was long-distance and they broke up mutually & amicably 2 years ago because they realized they were more friends than romantic partners. Apparently, she left school and moved back to her hometown and their life paths changed. He said that his hometown could never be an option because there's nothing there for him professionally. In any case, during one of their visits together, they mutually decided to take a "break" from each other. The day after, they met again and decided to call it quits, permanently.  

Wow. The ending of a 10 year relationship and it's just over? Just like that?  Applied to my life, it would be like my dating history never happened. I would have been with Robert for the last 8 years!

So I asked a million questions to learn more about Jay's feelings and reactions. Was he utterly devastated? Heartbroken? Sad, at least? He said no, no, and no. Apparently, during the last 2 years of that relationship, it already felt like they were dwindling. So when they finally cut it off, he really didn't feel like it affected his life or emotional experiences, either.

Jay's story scares me because it makes me wonder if he's ever been in love. I asked him if he had thought ex-girlfriend #2 could have been his wife someday-- and his answer was yes, because they'd been together for so long. What kind of an answer is that?!

NOTE: If anyone ever proposes to me, it better because they can't imagine living life without me and not because we'd been together long enough that it feels like the right thing to do/next step to take.

I don't really get Jay. Has he experienced heartbreak? Does he know what angst is like? Rejection? Does he know what being alone is like? Or what his own identity is-- separate from a partner?

Of course, I did not ask all of those questions aloud. But I did hint at them and he responded that he spent the last 2 years figuring out his individuality: traveling and learning about himself.

The bitter and cynical part of me snorted at that. 2 years, buddy? Seriously? That's nothing. Try 10 years of singlehood-- interspersed with 2 toxic, abusive relationships and a handful of sleepovers with guys who offered good dates at first, but then seemed utterly incompatible.

But why compare myself with him? By doing that, what am I accomplishing? What kind of sick game is that, and if it were game, who would the winner be?

• Who's been rejected more?
• Who's experienced more pain?
• Who appreciates being in a relationship more?
• Who is more pure?
• Who endorses more naiveness and optimism?

My insecurity is popping up because of how much I realize I miss him, sometimes.

Every time he's about to leave my house, I feel this wave of dread and sadness.
After he leaves, I become immobilized in some way, and unable to return to real life. I wait the full 2 hours and 35 minutes for him to get home and my life is essentially on-hold until then. When I finally get the text that he's safe and sound, I can resume life again.

His absence can feel really significant sometimes, and on days (like today), I really miss him and I'm pretty sure the feeling is not mutual because he's either sleeping, working, or playing with his bicycle.

That's when I think: Hmph, he doesn't miss me because a) our life experiences are totally different based on our dating history, or b) he just doesn't like me as much as I like him.

HINT: Both response options suck.

Am I in a long-distance relationship?

The distance between me and Jay is approximately 123 miles.

The commute is a 2 hour and 35 minute drive.

Last weekend, when we met some people learned about this distance between us, they said to him: "Oh! So you're just her friend, not boyfriend." He shook his head and explained his role and that we generally see each other weekly. Still, they exclaimed, "No, you're just friends, then!"


I don't get it. What does the distance change? Apparently, everything.


In the 4 months that Jay and I have been dating, he drives to me on a weekly basis. Usually, he gets in around dinnertime on Friday and leaves sometime Sunday morning.  When he hasn't been able to come on Fridays, he will drive in Saturday and then leave early Monday morning.

This weekend, he would like me to go to him. In fact, he has requested that I attend a party-planning event to spend time with his friends. We are planning a party and hanging out-- in preparation for an actual humongous party next weekend.

• Part of me swoons with the idea of going to him. I am excited to see his group, his people, and be in his life.
• Another part of me needs a break from these weekend dates because I can never get any work done when we are together!

Am I currently in a long-distance relationship?

If I say NO to the one request he's ever asked of me, am I being a selfish bitch? By saying NO this time, will he think that I won't drive to him because I expect him to always come to me? That is absolutely NOT true but will he assume that?

If I say YES to this weekend escapade, will I be distracted and eventually resentful of my decision. Willl I be true to myself and my needs?  Will I be honoring my relationship with myself: a goal that I've been working toward throughout these last few years? By saying YES, am I giving up pieces of me for someone else (again)?

There is no right or wrong answer here, but being in a long-distance relationship would affect my ultimate decision.

I looked up some blogs today, hoping to read about long-distance relationships, but most of what I found detailed international long-distance relationships. As I read those, I wondered if mine constitutes long-distance. Originally, I would have said no, but others insist that it is! There is no ocean to cross here. No time zone change, and no need for currency exchange. Somehow, knowing all that makes it even more confusing to me.

Tests of trust

Sometimes, I test Jay.

I have tested every romantic partner I've ever had. And I'm pretty sure others do it, too.

What do these tests look like?

For me, they're mostly little self-disclosures rooted in vulnerability.
I say things to see if they'll warrant a reaction out of him.

The first time I cursed, I watched him to see how he would react.
Did his mouth twitch? 
Did his forehead wrinkle?
Did his lips part a little in shock?

Even if those reactions only happen within split-seconds, I can always catch them-- because I am waiting and watching for them.

Last night, I confessed to Jay how much I hate working-out. He is a work-out king and leads people twice-a-day to the gym. I couldn't see his expression over the phone, but I waited for his responses and my heart hung in the air.
Is he going to judge me? 
Is he already judging me? 
Will he still like me after this?


That's the main test, I suppose. With every disclosure I share, I'm implicitly asking him:
Now do you still want me? How about now? And even after this?

Wow. I hadn't even known that my intention until I wrote this out. When I've reflected on it, I've always assumed I was testing him rebelliously so that I can convey to him: I can't be tamed!

How untrue that is.  What I'm really asking for is: will you still stick around, knowing that I have all of these flaws, fears, weaknesses?

Post-Valentine's blues

The days and week following Valentine's celebration feels like a hang-over, meaning I am hung-over, this is anticlimactic. There's a feeling of plateau-ing and simultaneous anxiety.

For me, there's always a degree of anxiety.

Jay is a graduate student, meaning his status in any location is temporary.
He had a huge meeting today where he finalized his dissertation defense date to be the last week of June. JUNE. The month that is  3.5 months from now.

Anxiety courses through me like you cannot believe.
He is leaving after June... to go somewhere. He is leaving me in June to go elsewhere. I'm frantic inside, but I do not show it.

Over the weekend, 2 of my friends separately asked about his post-graduation plans. I walked away as soon as that conversation started. I so-desperately-wanted-to-know and I was also terrified-that-he-will-know-how-much-I-care. I've decided, already. Hell will freeze over before he knows how scared I am to lose him. By knowing that, he will know how attached I am, and how much he already means to me.

My dear friend Gena asked me on Monday if Jay and I have uttered the words "I love you" yet. She said aloud what I've been afraid to say to anyone else. I'd been feeling tempted to say the words for the last 2 weeks. In fact, I've been saying it when he's NOT here.

A few nights ago (ahem, Sunday and Monday), when I crawled into bed, I whispered "I love you" as though he were there. He was NOT in the same house or even state, then. But that has been the only time I have had the guts to say what I'm feeling.

Don't judge, OK? I'm testing it out, because I'm still questioning it. I want to be sure this time.  In every relationship so far, I've been the first to express my deep-seated feelings. I've since wondered if I've been in love or if I just wanted to be in love.  Was I really in-love Robert or B. like I thought I would love my husband one day? I have loved. That, I did. But have I ever been in-love?

But this time? This time, the feelings I have are different.  It feels secure. Safe. Relaxing. Comfortable. Effortless.

Is this what real love feels like? Is this being in-love? How would I know? How does anyone know? Seriously, how does everyone know?

Valentine's Day Weekend Recap

I had the best Valentine's Day Weekend celebration ever!
Jay sent me a gorgeous bouquet of red roses the night before Valentine's day with a card that said:

"Sher, I hope you enjoy these roses. The first of many more to come! I'm so blessed to have you (and Mr. Z.) in my life. Will you be my valentine? -- Jay"

He told me it was an accident that the delivery came so early, as he planned for it to arrive on Valentine's day so that he could get here first and unwrap the flowers and have it in a vase and ready to hand to me, personally. If that's the not the sweetest plan ever, I don't know it is! At least, in my life, so far!

On the actual Valentine's Day (Friday), Jay got here just in time for me to whisk him away to dinner, where I wined & dined him over a 4 course meal. We sat on a beautiful balcony with twinkly nights and he said it was his first and only experience of being taken out and treated in such a special way. When we got home, I gave him a puzzle card, and in it, a riddle that I wrote:

"Riddle me this: you've lit up my life in H-ville, now it's my turn!"

He asked for another hint, to which I said: "our first date in H-ville," and immediately, he responded with "biking?" and he knew immediately that I had gotten him bicycle lights. He loved my gift! :)

On Saturday, Jay accompanied me to a cultural event and made my night. He did the same thing on Sunday morning, and I've since realized that I can be 100% myself when I'm with him.  Is this what it's like to find someone that complements you?

This Valentine's weekend, I felt like he was my shadow. I was no longer self-conscious or worried about having to entertain or host him. I felt comforted by his presence. I also felt comfortable being in my own skin... for the first time. 

In fact, late Saturday night, he worked on his bike in the living room while I baked doggy cookies for Mr. Z. and for Jay's brother's dog, Roscoe. We had the TV on in the background, we were both working in silence but contentedly with each other's company, and it was comfortable. We were in autonomous and doing our own thing, but we were also in synchrony.

This weekend was sooo great.

I am love-able challenge: Day 2

I am loveable because... 

I try to love others the way they want to be loved.

With Valentine's day coming up, I'm very aware of how my single friends feel, and especially my recently-single brother. A few months ago, when he underwent a minor surgery for a staph infection, I sent him chocolate-covered strawberries & apples to wish him a happy recovery. He said it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him. Especially since his own girlfriend (at the time) didn't even take the day off of work to check on him.

Fast-forward a few months and it is almost Valentine's day, and he is a recently-single, heart-broken young man, fresh out of a 4-year-relationship. Today is probably a hard day for him. If you think I'm all about commitment, then wait until you meet my little brother. His only relationships have been long-term, and I'm talking lonnnnng term. His 1st girlfriend ever lasted about the same number of years and they were high school sweethearts who went to college together! He is all about marrying his first girlfriend, and if not the 1st, then definitely, the 2nd. He is completely heartbroken, and has been for the last month. So today, I have done my best to contact him, wish him love, and remind him of how loved he is! 

Unfortunately, I can't send my brothers any delectables because he is living abroad. I don't even know how I would order something online in the language of the country! Still, I had good intentions and I think he knows I'm trying to convey my love in the best way that I can. Sometimes, it's not enough to just love someone. We need to express it their way: the way they understand and want to be loved!

Similarly, I strive to love Jay in his way by giving him the bicycle-related apparatus he's been wanting. Why? Because he loves biking! If it were based on my decision, I would not encourage him to bike in the dark, much less buy him bicycle lights for nighttime commuting. But this is for him, right? And not me. So, I'll love him in his way. With bicycle lights.

I am love-able challenge: Day 1

I am love-able because...

...
...
...

Um, this project is way harder than anticipated. It took me a few minutes longer to fall asleep last night because I was ransacking my brain for something anything to write for today.

Half a day later, I am still empty-handed.


Oh! I got it!

This morning, I called to make reservations at a fancy restaurant for me & Jay this Friday night (Valentine's day!). This will be my first Valentine's Day celebration, being with a the person that I am in a relationship with!  In the past, I've either celebrated it via long-distance dating, or not at all because my ex-boyfriend was disgusted by these "stupid American capitalistic holidays."  It didn't matter to him that I loved the romance, the excitement, the drama, and the overemphasis placed on being extra lovey-dovey for an entire day.

Jay has no idea what I have planned for him: a pre-set meal that involves appetizer, salad, main course, and a dessert in a nice restaurant with live music! I also got him some expensive bicycle lights as a gift. I did my some thorough research on the best kind of lights for commuter biking. I also made this decision without getting the OK from Jay's brother. For Jay's birthday last month, I picked out the perfect present for him thanks to brotherly input. This time, I'm taking a significant risk by going with my gut instinct.

I am surprised by my own proactive decision to make plans for Friday night! I wonder how much this has to do with being in a secure and happy relationship. Because for the most part, that's what being with Jay has been like (outside of my head, that is). I have decided take risks by:

- planning our dinner date
- getting him a vday present
- writing him an awesome card (I already have it planned out what I'll say)

In taking this risks, I have my answer for this challenge!

I am loveable because... I am willing to take risks in the name of love!

I am willing to put my heart on-the-line and take a non-traditional gender role approach to being the planner, the one who will wine-and-dine my beau, and to sweep him off of his feet! I even have the lingerie planned for the night, so it will be a night of sweet romance and candle-light sexiness! :)

There are so many ways the night can go wrong-- and the risks feel pretty mortifying. Want to know my fears? To begin, he might think I'm too over-the-top, dramatic, and wasteful. I am spending quite a lot of money on this dinner (even if it's the most affordable and best-value-option!). Perhaps he might even think I'm trying to buy his love by showering him with all of this wonderfulness! In contrast to how he feels about me, he could also perceive me as being overly-attached and making too much meaning out of our relationship. It's been only 4 months that we're together, and maybe he doesn't see the point of having such a big celebration for such a short courtship so far? He might find me too warm and fuzzy and unrealistic about love and relationships.

There is so much at risk and it is terrifying (but liberating to write it all out!). It's for the reasons that I consider myself love-able and even bordering on being brave! Go, me!

The "I am love-able" challenge begins now!

It's Valentine's week! A dreaded day for some singles, and high hopes for some coupled!

I am a combination of both:
hopeful because I am in a relationship; and dread-filled, because of the inevitable disappointments experienced year after year.

In the spirit of my most recent self-love post, I am going to start a month-long challenge to myself. The topic is on self-appreciation! Every day for the next 30 days, I will write about something that is love-able about myself.


"I am love-able because...."

And that is the only prompt I'll have to follow!

Can't wait, can't wait!

Geez, I hope to find 30 things that are love-worthy about me!

Self-love

My recent posts are a good reminder of why I started this blog. Without any love for myself, I am merely a hollow shell waiting to be filled.

My identity, my confidence, my sense-concept is entirely defined by the other person. Whoever that paramour is, his perception of me is what shapes who I am.

My mind operates like this:
When I don't hear from him, I feel like I have no value.
When I think he likes something about me, I amplify that part of me ten-fold because it's what he wants.
In-between those times, when there is self-doubt, I critique all aspects of me and wonder which part is unlovable and deserving of being abandoned.

If I were a jar, I would be just sitting there. Passively waiting to be filled, hopeful for fleeting feelings of "bliss" and "in love" and "happy."  Once I reach cloud 9, however, downhill spiral begins. I am mired in anxiety, anticipating emptiness.


I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I don't exist until someone comes along to validate parts of me. Only then, can I birth my existence. There is no self-love here. There is not even a sense of "self" in the picture.

Well, I can't live like that anymore. I can't be in relationships like that anymore. This time, it's not the other person that is unhealthy, it's me. I can't be in such an unhealthy relationship with myself anymore.

Much of the time I wrote in this blog, I've been single and actively self-reflecting. Throughout the course of maintaining these journal entries, I grew to be at my healthiest: physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. But I was single and that was a large part of my success. Being single means I was 100% committed to having a healthy relationship with me.

In a relationship with someone else? That changes my entire relationship with myself, so this is my new journey for the year.

As a belated new year's resolution, I challenge myself to have simultaneously healthy relationships with my beau and with me. I will strive to not lose parts of myself along the way. I will aspire not to give-up on myself at the outset.

I created this blog for the simple reason of having a better relationship with myself. This is what I have been working toward all these years and it all has to do with cultivating love for me.

Self-love: I'm coming for ya.

Something positive

Jay and I talked on the phone for awhile before he left for his conference trip this weekend. He had a 6am flight to catch.

Before hanging up, he added (on his own, I might add): "I'll text you when I get to the airport. You'll be sleeping, but that way, you'll know I'm safe. I'll also text you between my connecting flight and when I get to my final destination. I won't forget, ok?"

And he did. 

All those times.

Punishing him, punishing myself

I had a great 12-hour date with Jay when he drove up 2.5 hours on Friday night. I had a work event that night and he sat-in and watched. It was quite nerve-wracking since it is the first time he's ever seen me in my professional element. It was vulnerable and I felt that much closer to him.

We woke up at 5am the next morning so he can hit the road to make it to his professional event. "I'll text you when I get there," he said, as he opened his car door and gave me a knowing smile. He knew I would worry about his long drive, and it was comforting to know he understood that it mattered to me. "OK," I said casually as I thought about how lucky I was to have such an understanding boyfriend who care about me and my feelings.

Except, that he didn't.

And this was the 2nd time that he didn't follow-through with his words. So, a couple of hours later, I wrote a text that simply stated, "I'm going to assume you got there safely..." and I waited for his reply.

I waited and waited and waited.

Exactly one hour later, he wrote back an apology and told me how busy it was when he arrived! He also showed me a picture of the throngs of people he had to cater to.

After reading his response, an unexpected, guttural, and animalistic sound escaped me. It came from deep within my stomach and the anxiety coursed out of me.  It was a sob and I cried intensely for less than a minute and shed only a few tears. I hadn't even known I was carrying that much anxiety.

I did not reply to Jay after that. For the rest of that day, I made a conscious effort to be unresponsive. I was too hurt and I was reliving the past.

Similar feelings of being tricked, betrayed, and beguiled came over me. When I was with B., I often felt like he had eyes only for me. It was later in my relationship that I learned the truth. That, the second I turned my back, I was out-of-sight and out-of-mind for him. Whatever promises, commitment, or loyalty he had toward me were now given to whoever woman he was setting his eyes on. I wondered; is this process identical for Jay? He had said to me: "I'll text you when I get there" and then forgot about me as soon as he left. When we're together, he treats me like he only has eyes for me! But when he's gone, obviously, I'm also out of the picture.

My mind reeled. My heart reeled. I felt sick to my stomach.

Late in the afternoon, Jay called to see how my day was. We generally don't call each other until nighttime, so I imagine it's because he thought my silence was unusual.

He was right, actually. I was in pain. But I wonder if I was also wanting to push him away with the pain. My silence was as much as my retreat as it was a punishment for him. Intentional or not, my action was my subtle way of saying: this hurts so much again and perhaps a bit of a fuck you.

Giving me security

He still likes me!
He still wants me!

Such relief! It's like I can breathe again.

Jay is going out-of-town this weekend for a conference on Sunday. He is hosting a work event the day before, so we have no plans to see each other until next weekend.

... But then he texted to say he will drive in on Friday night and leave early Saturday morning.

Wow. A 5-hour round-trip drive just to see me? Moi?

Sometimes, Jay does not tell me things like "I miss you" or even "I can't wait to see you."
He'll say "me too!" But we all know that's different. Instead, his actions convey it.

His actions provide me with the much-needed security to know I haven't been chucked away or thrown to the curb.

He'd driving up to see me and he will attend my work event on Friday night. Just to spend time with me!


Wow.  He must really like me.

But why?! Nono, I'm not going to question this too much. I'm going to enjoy it and bask in this moment for as long as I possibly can.

What happens in my head... stays in my head.

My insecurities increased exponentially after my parents and Jay met. I feared Jay would cut me out, drop me like a ball, or run for the hills. I expected one or all of the above.

However, he remained... the same.
He still texted.
He still called.
He still flirted.
It was like nothing changed.

But I changed. Me. I began panicking and returning to my old real self. One night, I felt my anxiety skyrocket when he didn't text me back immediately. I had called him and it went straight to voicemail. Of course, knowing me, I checked on gchat and saw him flick from orange to green. I held my breath. He did not text or call me back. Fear settled in before coursing out and being replaced with sadness and loss. I began to think what it would be like to return to the dating world and starting over from scratch. Bye, Jay. I wonder which lucky girl gets to meet you next. Who did I think I was, rejecting the word "boyfriend" when that could actually be taken away from me?

... a few hours later, he texted to say he fell asleep and was sorry to have missed my call. "No worries," I casually said, and we moved on to talk about our day.
It was like nothing changed.
He has no idea what all went through my head during that waiting period.
And he never will!

When the boyfriend and parents meet...

I am eating the words from my last post.

My boyfriend and parents met each other this weekend.
The experience ended up being quite disappointing.

Mom and dad did not speak very much to him. Partly, that was due to the bustle of the city and the excitement of the nightlife and partying all around us.  Another part of it was the language barrier and their unfamiliarity with English.  Jay was quite shy, now that I think about it. But it's not completely on him. Both sides could have taken a more active stance in initiating conversations with each other.  I did the best I could, but alas, it was... awkward and uncomfortable since it was just me pulling hard to no avail.

On Saturday afternoon, Jay drove to meet up with us a few miles out of the city so he could park his car and we could ride into town together. When he arrived, we swapped seats so he could drive my car since he knows the neighborhood better. As we sat in the front, mom and dad said barely nothing to him-- nothing in English, that is.  I could hear them speak in my native tongue, though. Dad made comments about Jay's height, weight, speculating on numbers and making jokes throughout.  It was rude, insensitive, and I was mortified. I felt incredibly protective of Jay after that, and when we took a walk together at the park, I pulled him to the front and we walked separately from my parents.  At one point, my mom waved at me and told me walk faster. Can you believe it? She later told me she meant it as: lead the way.  Sure, mom, as though that's really what you meant.

The rest of the night operated like 4 people on 2 different dates. I felt stuck-- in the middle of two parties of people who had no interest in getting to know one another. My parents didn't ask him any questions, other than "do you cook at home?" while I was in the restroom. As for Jay, he was also quite passive. He did not initiate asking even one question-- I didn't notice that about him until I talked with friends today and they suggested he might have been shy.

Jay gets a break on this though, because I continue to feel protective of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he sensed my dad's evaluative judgment towards him. If anything, I feel like mama bear now. I left that date feeling even more nurturing of him, wanting to do more to take care of him, and feeling more committed to him to shield him from all negative energy-- including that of my parents'.

I drove home that night feeling disappointed, angry, and then even more disappointed in my parents. Why couldn't they have been more host-like? 

I have since started doubting this relationship, wondering if the dynamic will always be like this if I date someone who's of a different race and language background as my parents. Was this meeting an omen of any relationship I have with someone who is not the same as me? Is this a sign of Jay and my incompatibility down the line?

Whatever the answer is, my heart feels gloom. I can't help but wonder if Jay feels what I feel now. I feel anxious thinking about his experience of our date, and his interpretation of what's to come. What if he doesn't want me after this? What if that experience was so blah for him, that he's also re-evaluating me and this relationship?

Meeting the parents

My mom and dad are here and visiting for the week! Despite the random blizzard we've been getting in the states, they were able to arrive safely and soundly -- after several time zone changes, of course.

Today, we're driving down an hour south to meet Jay and spend the day together. Plans include architectural walk, possible zoo outing, and then enjoying the nightlife and the local eateries.

Today is the day my parents meet my boyfriend; my dude gets to meet my parents.

The last time my parents met my boyfriend was just after high school, when I was 18. It was with Robert, my first love, my high school sweetheart, and we went to downtown Disney where I made reservations at a fancy restaurant.  My dad was hilariously entertaining that night, making it utterly impossible to have any kind of serious conversation, much less convey the seriousness of us as a couple.

It's now 11 years later and for some reason, slightly less serious-feeling.
it's different now for multiple reasons:

1) I'm not seeking my parents' approval and I don't need it.  I'm secure enough (ironic, eh?) that even if my parents express doubt-- it doesn't change how I feel or how good things have been with Jay.

2) I'll live even if Jay and I don't work out in the long-run.  Now this is maybe a little extreme, but I'm pretty certain I won't absolutely die if he and I decide we're not the right ones for each other. After experiencing the devastating heartbreaks I've had in the past, I've accepted that what doesn't kill me, well, won't kill me.  Heartbreak never killed anybody, now did it? -- That's a direct quote from one of my dearest friends' mom.

3) I don't need everyone to be best friends. As the planner of any social gathering, it's only natural to want everyone to love each other. You want everyone to have a grand ol' time. While I used to be perfectionistic about it, I've learned that you can't control it all, now can you?

Now watch me eat my words after this trip.

Will get back to you afterwards!