I committed 6 years of my life to the current city and state that I live in, all in pursuit of my graduate degree and specialization. Away from family and the comforts of friends and even region of country, I have been blessed to easily make new and good friends. I didn't plan to make new friends. I certainly didn't think that my friendships would get better or richer than the ones I grew up with. But I do have people in my life who I have known for fewer years and who feel like family to me. I just met them, bonded with them, grew with them, and that's it.
I'm in the midst of preparing my next career step and I'll be leaving this place that's been home for the past 6 years. I don't worry about missing my friends or losing them or making new ones. I feel quite secure in those relationships, and in the stability of those ties. What does concern me, recently, is finding my future husband, and knowing that where I go next will influence me meeting him.
My friend from childhood recently emailed to say that she could care less about her love-life right now and that she is in hot pursuit of her career as a graphic designer/ artist / advertising specialist. She just got out of a long-term relationship with a man who, interestingly enough, is also a womanizer. What's worse is that he was married, and the biggest liar you can possibly imagine. So it might have been her anger talking when she swore of men. But then again, I think she's right when she said that meeting your partner shouldn't be something we fret over. It's like... hitting puberty. You don't know what exact moment it will happen, and you really can't plan when or how it will unfold, but it will. It simply will happen... inevitably.
So, I remind myself of this statement during my job-search these days. And I let myself look at positions in places that I am almost certain no one will want to go. Definitely not where I imagine my future husband to be.
So, future husband, just so you know, I'm not going to try to find you anymore. Or put myself in locations that are convenient for you to see/meet. I'm just gonna do my thing and if you come my way, then cool beans. And if you don't, well then, I'm falling in love anyways and I'll have a wonderful marriage and amazing kids. It's gonna happen sometime. I just don't know yet, who.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Being loved and loving someone
My grandma is visiting this week and my heart feels so warm and cozy everyday. The first few days, it took some adjusting to, but now I am enjoying NOT being alone: when I wake up, when I eat, when I take walks with Mr. Z., when I go grocery shopping... it's so nice to be taken care of because grandma cooks for me and hugs me and kisses me. It's so nice to be able to depend on someone else. So comforting to know that there is someone to depend on who loves you, accepts you, and enjoys you for being you.
In addition, what I've realized these days is aside from being feeling loved by someone, it's so crucial to love someone too.
Last night, I took my grandma with me to celebrate the birthday of a 1 year old baby. My friends Mandy and Rodolfo threw a jungle-themed costume party for their adorable child and at least 20 people showed up to celebrate, eat, converse, and probably dance (afterwards). I love this group of friends because they are the epitome of close-knit friends whose husbands and wives are all friends, and every get-together feels like a huge family reunion. I'm lucky I have seen them more recently too, given that some of them came to celebrate my birthday with me a few weeks ago.
On the flip side of being family-oriented is that everyone in this group is coupled. Not even JUST "couple"d, but married. I am always the ONLY single person there. Always the youngest person there. Always the only person who is attending the event solo. In August, when one of the girls got married and we went to the reception, I felt so uncomfortable just being me. I had never felt so awkward sitting in my skin. All of the husbands/boyfriends would get the drinks for their ladies, and me? I never felt so alone, realizing that I will always be getting my own drinks, getting in my own line, filling up my own plate, walking into every social event alone with no one to chitchat or make private inside jokes with.
That's the thing about couples, they have these "looks" that they give each other. These code expressions that only they and they alone understand. It's SO cool and I am always so envious when I accidentally happen to see one passed along, and I feel like I mistakenly stepped into someone else's reality for a second and get to see what their life is like. I SO want that, and I always feel SO devoid of that when I am with.... this group.
So, with grandma there last night, I felt the most comfortable I ever felt when sitting amongst all the couples. I spoke in my native tongue with grandma and was able to code-switch back and forth. For the first time, I had a language with someone else. I could make eye contact with someone else. I also had someone else to take care of, look after, and walk into a party with! As lame as it sounds, I realized how UN-ALONE I was when I went to the buffet line and made grandma's plate for her. It hit me even harder when I went to get a slice of cake for her and walked back to find that she saved a seat for me. She waved at me from afar and was like come! come! THAT'S what happens when you have someone else at a party with you. You do things with and for each other, and you aren't so alone. It felt like such a privilege, being able to get a drink for her, take her jacket for her, and check on her in-between conversations with other people. Those are all the things I wished a partner would do for me if a) I had one, and b) he came to parties with me. These are all things that B. did NOT do when we were together because because a) he didn't even want to go to these events with me and b) all of my friends despised him for being the blatant womanizer that he was whenever I turned my back on him.
So anyways, as I as sitting there the whole night, I couldn't help but think that to be able to look after someone at a party was so awesome. For the first time in years, I was not the girl making the even-numbered tables into an odd-numbered one. I could have a mini-conversation amongst other mini-conversations in the room, whereas in the past, I felt like such a loser seeing all the other couples talk to one another while I just sat there by myself trying to look like I was entertained when I really wasn't. Oh, and finally, it was so nice to be able to leave with someone afterwards. It was a relief to say, "grandma's tired. we're going to head out!" instead of have to scramble for an excuse like I usually do. Usually, I'm there alone, so I always feel so selfish for leaving because it's obvious that we're leaving because I don't want to be there anymore, or because I have something else I'd rather be doing. To credit my leaving to someone else/something else felt like a weight off of my shoulder!
With all that said.... can grandma come to another party with me, please?
In addition, what I've realized these days is aside from being feeling loved by someone, it's so crucial to love someone too.
Last night, I took my grandma with me to celebrate the birthday of a 1 year old baby. My friends Mandy and Rodolfo threw a jungle-themed costume party for their adorable child and at least 20 people showed up to celebrate, eat, converse, and probably dance (afterwards). I love this group of friends because they are the epitome of close-knit friends whose husbands and wives are all friends, and every get-together feels like a huge family reunion. I'm lucky I have seen them more recently too, given that some of them came to celebrate my birthday with me a few weeks ago.
On the flip side of being family-oriented is that everyone in this group is coupled. Not even JUST "couple"d, but married. I am always the ONLY single person there. Always the youngest person there. Always the only person who is attending the event solo. In August, when one of the girls got married and we went to the reception, I felt so uncomfortable just being me. I had never felt so awkward sitting in my skin. All of the husbands/boyfriends would get the drinks for their ladies, and me? I never felt so alone, realizing that I will always be getting my own drinks, getting in my own line, filling up my own plate, walking into every social event alone with no one to chitchat or make private inside jokes with.
That's the thing about couples, they have these "looks" that they give each other. These code expressions that only they and they alone understand. It's SO cool and I am always so envious when I accidentally happen to see one passed along, and I feel like I mistakenly stepped into someone else's reality for a second and get to see what their life is like. I SO want that, and I always feel SO devoid of that when I am with.... this group.
So, with grandma there last night, I felt the most comfortable I ever felt when sitting amongst all the couples. I spoke in my native tongue with grandma and was able to code-switch back and forth. For the first time, I had a language with someone else. I could make eye contact with someone else. I also had someone else to take care of, look after, and walk into a party with! As lame as it sounds, I realized how UN-ALONE I was when I went to the buffet line and made grandma's plate for her. It hit me even harder when I went to get a slice of cake for her and walked back to find that she saved a seat for me. She waved at me from afar and was like come! come! THAT'S what happens when you have someone else at a party with you. You do things with and for each other, and you aren't so alone. It felt like such a privilege, being able to get a drink for her, take her jacket for her, and check on her in-between conversations with other people. Those are all the things I wished a partner would do for me if a) I had one, and b) he came to parties with me. These are all things that B. did NOT do when we were together because because a) he didn't even want to go to these events with me and b) all of my friends despised him for being the blatant womanizer that he was whenever I turned my back on him.
So anyways, as I as sitting there the whole night, I couldn't help but think that to be able to look after someone at a party was so awesome. For the first time in years, I was not the girl making the even-numbered tables into an odd-numbered one. I could have a mini-conversation amongst other mini-conversations in the room, whereas in the past, I felt like such a loser seeing all the other couples talk to one another while I just sat there by myself trying to look like I was entertained when I really wasn't. Oh, and finally, it was so nice to be able to leave with someone afterwards. It was a relief to say, "grandma's tired. we're going to head out!" instead of have to scramble for an excuse like I usually do. Usually, I'm there alone, so I always feel so selfish for leaving because it's obvious that we're leaving because I don't want to be there anymore, or because I have something else I'd rather be doing. To credit my leaving to someone else/something else felt like a weight off of my shoulder!
With all that said.... can grandma come to another party with me, please?
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Visiting family
My apologies for being offline last week. I spent a few days visiting family and was fortunate enough to celebrate my birthday with them! In just the short period that I was gone, I actually underwent a ton of realizations and revelations that I want to elaborate on in my writing. I don't have much time to do this now because I'm back at home now, and needing to catch-up on work. My grandmother is also visiting, so I am also somewhat entertaining and needing to be as efficient as possible so I can spend this week with her. I'll definitely write soon, though. I'm just trying to bask in the feeling of love and being with family for as long as I can.
At the very least, let me quickly say that my birthday rocked. It wasn't anything spectacular, but I felt so blessed to be with family and to get warm wishes from tons of friends and extended family all over the world. Friends who I haven't talked to in years contacted me to say hello on my special day. My best friend sent me a beautiful piece of jewelry as a surprise (in her note she wrote: here's a little blue box to celebrate you!), and a friend from college called to say that she wanted to send flowers, but since I was out of town, then she was going to have it delivered over the weekend. My brother also made tremendous efforts to get me something even though he didn't know what. So when we wandered the mall that afternoon, he threw himself forward to pay for everything I wanted, and that's exactly what happened! I got everything I wanted! Eye liner, nose studs at a kiosk, a fruit smoothie.... what more could I ask for then to feel like the people around me wanted to celebrate me for being just me?
The only damper to my day (and week?) is that B. called me on the morning of my birthday. On the actual day he called... 3 times. And no, he didn't leave a message. The irony of him calling is that he NEVER wanted to celebrate my birthday, and now, here he was, calling me. I was so infuriated when I saw his name pop-up on my phone. I was even more annoyed afterwards when I realized how disappointed I was to see that there was no voicemail. But come on, now. What would he really say? My guess is that he would sound absolutely happy and chipper to say, "hey! how are you? i wanted to wish you a happy birthday! i hope you are doing so well! i really wish well for you! how are you actually?" And in turn, I would want to cry and barf at the same time because it's a) so invalidating for him to act like things are great, and also b) so disgusting that he thinks he can manipulate my feelings like he has during our time together.
For now, I can think to myself: "Screw him! Grandma is here and Mr. Z is here, and you are loved, cherished, and you are also able to love and cherish them. Enjoy this! Enjoy now!"
Rest assured, however, reality will catch up with me soon and I will start feeling lonely and heartbroken and rejected in a matter of time. Still, I'm good right now. I'm good this week. And I am starting this new year/age with positivity and love.
At the very least, let me quickly say that my birthday rocked. It wasn't anything spectacular, but I felt so blessed to be with family and to get warm wishes from tons of friends and extended family all over the world. Friends who I haven't talked to in years contacted me to say hello on my special day. My best friend sent me a beautiful piece of jewelry as a surprise (in her note she wrote: here's a little blue box to celebrate you!), and a friend from college called to say that she wanted to send flowers, but since I was out of town, then she was going to have it delivered over the weekend. My brother also made tremendous efforts to get me something even though he didn't know what. So when we wandered the mall that afternoon, he threw himself forward to pay for everything I wanted, and that's exactly what happened! I got everything I wanted! Eye liner, nose studs at a kiosk, a fruit smoothie.... what more could I ask for then to feel like the people around me wanted to celebrate me for being just me?
The only damper to my day (and week?) is that B. called me on the morning of my birthday. On the actual day he called... 3 times. And no, he didn't leave a message. The irony of him calling is that he NEVER wanted to celebrate my birthday, and now, here he was, calling me. I was so infuriated when I saw his name pop-up on my phone. I was even more annoyed afterwards when I realized how disappointed I was to see that there was no voicemail. But come on, now. What would he really say? My guess is that he would sound absolutely happy and chipper to say, "hey! how are you? i wanted to wish you a happy birthday! i hope you are doing so well! i really wish well for you! how are you actually?" And in turn, I would want to cry and barf at the same time because it's a) so invalidating for him to act like things are great, and also b) so disgusting that he thinks he can manipulate my feelings like he has during our time together.
For now, I can think to myself: "Screw him! Grandma is here and Mr. Z is here, and you are loved, cherished, and you are also able to love and cherish them. Enjoy this! Enjoy now!"
Rest assured, however, reality will catch up with me soon and I will start feeling lonely and heartbroken and rejected in a matter of time. Still, I'm good right now. I'm good this week. And I am starting this new year/age with positivity and love.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Rebounding
Last week's events continue to plague me.
On Wednesday, B. actually sent me a message online.
On Sunday, I saw both B.'s best friend and his ex-girlfriend's sister.
These events have sent me backtracking quite a bit. I have been thinking about Don quite a lot, ever since. He was my go-to person before I met B. I wonder why Don doesn't bother to email or call me, and I wonder if this is a form of rejection. Rejection by your rebound-- that's gotta send your ego spiraling.
Yesterday was also Don's birthday, and like I did 3 years ago, I sent him an e-card. I don't know what I want in return, but I feel like I've been waiting all day. I definitely want a response. But what exactly, I'm not sure. I caught myself fantasizing all day about him, too. And I fantasized the feeling that I hope to one day have when I feel safe, secure, and loved again.
Unfortunately, I know (logically) that the only way to heal is to do this on my own. I need to say bye to all of the negativity that pain that B. brought into my life. I need to deal with the rejection and self-doubt on my own without bringing anyone else into my story.
My brother sent me this picture on my iphone and I've been looking at it all week. I love this image and the simplicity of the message. ALSO, it happens to be carved onto an apple which is symbolic because B. is currently living in the big apple. There it is. Bye. Not goodbye. Just... bye.
On Wednesday, B. actually sent me a message online.
On Sunday, I saw both B.'s best friend and his ex-girlfriend's sister.
These events have sent me backtracking quite a bit. I have been thinking about Don quite a lot, ever since. He was my go-to person before I met B. I wonder why Don doesn't bother to email or call me, and I wonder if this is a form of rejection. Rejection by your rebound-- that's gotta send your ego spiraling.
Yesterday was also Don's birthday, and like I did 3 years ago, I sent him an e-card. I don't know what I want in return, but I feel like I've been waiting all day. I definitely want a response. But what exactly, I'm not sure. I caught myself fantasizing all day about him, too. And I fantasized the feeling that I hope to one day have when I feel safe, secure, and loved again.
Unfortunately, I know (logically) that the only way to heal is to do this on my own. I need to say bye to all of the negativity that pain that B. brought into my life. I need to deal with the rejection and self-doubt on my own without bringing anyone else into my story.
My brother sent me this picture on my iphone and I've been looking at it all week. I love this image and the simplicity of the message. ALSO, it happens to be carved onto an apple which is symbolic because B. is currently living in the big apple. There it is. Bye. Not goodbye. Just... bye.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Tracking my feelings
If I can track my own emotional fluctuations throughout the day, or even within a 1 hour time frame, it would probably follow something like this:
1.
I hate you. I despite you. I will never forgive you for as long as I live. I am disgusted by you: your values, your judgment, your condescension, your infidelity, your apathy for anyone other than yourself. I have no respect for you and I will never forgive myself for even being with you for the length of time we were together. Should I feel tempted to be friends with you, I will remind myself that you are a selfish bastard who refused to have a long-distance relationship with me even after 2 years of dating. You are a 37 year-old man who talks to mommy everyday and needed her to say "why not try it?" to tell me "OK, fine, let's try long-distance." You wanted to break up with me when you moved to New York so you can look for the next best thing. Because for you, the grass is always greener on the other side. When I asked if I should look for jobs in New York after schooling, you made sure to remind me to do it for me and not you. You also said that if I moved to New York someday, then we can continue to date. In the meantime, we should break up because you don't want to do a long distance; you need a warm body by your side every night. Oh, but wait! Can I still visit you though? You asked. You wanted to know if we can "be friends" after our break-up so that when you're bored and have vacation time, you can fly back here to have a booty call. You figured that you could have me as a back-up in case nothing happens for you in New York. All you've done is use me and you had no shame, no qualms, no guilt, not even a smidgen of embarassment to say all that you said.
So the answer is hell to the mother-effing no. I will NOT have a long-distance relationship with you and I will NOT be friends with you either. You lost the opportunity to have me in your life and you do not deserve to be in my life. At the very least, I want to punish you now because you are not deserving of my love, affection, compassion, interest, or care for you. You had it before, you know. You were THE apple of my eye and I would have moved heaven and earth to be with you. You trampled all over it and wanted everything else. You wanted to wander, explore, experiment, but just in case it doesn't look so good out there, you wanted to be sure I would be there.... just in case. I hope you're all alone now and that you know how cold and lonely it is when you are a workaholic + alcoholic + cheating man who only takes, takes, and takes some more. All you give is negative energy and you robbed me of all that I had when we were together. No more, mister. No more. You can't take anything from me anymore. I won't even let you near me.
2.
Gosh I sound so vindictive. That's not even who I am, so why am I even using words like punish? I don't want to punish him or hurt him, I just want to get the heck away from him. My anger went a bit overboard just now. Maybe it doesn't have to be so extreme and I don't have to be on this continuum of anger and hurt. He's not ALL bad. There were good qualities to him that I was initially attracted to. From afar, he can be a decent person when he wants to. So, maybe, just maybe we can be friends. Maybe if we start over (let me be clear) as friends, then I don't have to think about the past to live in this pain. Maybe if we can "meet" each other now and acknowledge our differences, then we can simply co-exist and just know that we can be civil to each other. Perhaps just one civil conversation, something like, "how are you?" or "how's life been since we left each other's lives?" Maybe just a brief check-in to express that we were once in each other's lives and we care about each other's well being without wanting to continue to be in each other's life. Perhaps that will set-me-free from living in so much anger right now. So so so much anger right now, just thinking about all these memories from our relationship and all that he did to me. Maybe by interacting in the present, the past can just... fall away.
3.
What in heavens am I thinking? What is wrong with me that I'm contemplating possible friendship, much less even one conversation with him? I am still in recovery and should not be interacting with him in any way whatsoever. There's also no need to punish him for anything. Removing him from my life should not be about punishing someone else. I am not distancing myself so that I can hurt him. I am distancing myself so that he won't hurt me any more than he already has. I am protecting myself from his skilled womanizing and manipulation tactics. Because the truth is he is THAT good. He will violate my boundaries again and he will do it with sweetness and affection cloaking his venom. Removing him from my life is equivalent to detoxing from a drug and then being sober afterwards. Even being near it can send you relapsing and spiraling into the abyss that I am working so hard to pull myself out of. So, don't be mad, don't be angry, don't be vindictive, just focus on me and my recovery away from him. Except that when I suddenly think of a memory of him from before when _______, then.... I feel angry again. I'm livid and, well...
... I'm back to step 1.
1.
I hate you. I despite you. I will never forgive you for as long as I live. I am disgusted by you: your values, your judgment, your condescension, your infidelity, your apathy for anyone other than yourself. I have no respect for you and I will never forgive myself for even being with you for the length of time we were together. Should I feel tempted to be friends with you, I will remind myself that you are a selfish bastard who refused to have a long-distance relationship with me even after 2 years of dating. You are a 37 year-old man who talks to mommy everyday and needed her to say "why not try it?" to tell me "OK, fine, let's try long-distance." You wanted to break up with me when you moved to New York so you can look for the next best thing. Because for you, the grass is always greener on the other side. When I asked if I should look for jobs in New York after schooling, you made sure to remind me to do it for me and not you. You also said that if I moved to New York someday, then we can continue to date. In the meantime, we should break up because you don't want to do a long distance; you need a warm body by your side every night. Oh, but wait! Can I still visit you though? You asked. You wanted to know if we can "be friends" after our break-up so that when you're bored and have vacation time, you can fly back here to have a booty call. You figured that you could have me as a back-up in case nothing happens for you in New York. All you've done is use me and you had no shame, no qualms, no guilt, not even a smidgen of embarassment to say all that you said.
So the answer is hell to the mother-effing no. I will NOT have a long-distance relationship with you and I will NOT be friends with you either. You lost the opportunity to have me in your life and you do not deserve to be in my life. At the very least, I want to punish you now because you are not deserving of my love, affection, compassion, interest, or care for you. You had it before, you know. You were THE apple of my eye and I would have moved heaven and earth to be with you. You trampled all over it and wanted everything else. You wanted to wander, explore, experiment, but just in case it doesn't look so good out there, you wanted to be sure I would be there.... just in case. I hope you're all alone now and that you know how cold and lonely it is when you are a workaholic + alcoholic + cheating man who only takes, takes, and takes some more. All you give is negative energy and you robbed me of all that I had when we were together. No more, mister. No more. You can't take anything from me anymore. I won't even let you near me.
2.
Gosh I sound so vindictive. That's not even who I am, so why am I even using words like punish? I don't want to punish him or hurt him, I just want to get the heck away from him. My anger went a bit overboard just now. Maybe it doesn't have to be so extreme and I don't have to be on this continuum of anger and hurt. He's not ALL bad. There were good qualities to him that I was initially attracted to. From afar, he can be a decent person when he wants to. So, maybe, just maybe we can be friends. Maybe if we start over (let me be clear) as friends, then I don't have to think about the past to live in this pain. Maybe if we can "meet" each other now and acknowledge our differences, then we can simply co-exist and just know that we can be civil to each other. Perhaps just one civil conversation, something like, "how are you?" or "how's life been since we left each other's lives?" Maybe just a brief check-in to express that we were once in each other's lives and we care about each other's well being without wanting to continue to be in each other's life. Perhaps that will set-me-free from living in so much anger right now. So so so much anger right now, just thinking about all these memories from our relationship and all that he did to me. Maybe by interacting in the present, the past can just... fall away.
3.
What in heavens am I thinking? What is wrong with me that I'm contemplating possible friendship, much less even one conversation with him? I am still in recovery and should not be interacting with him in any way whatsoever. There's also no need to punish him for anything. Removing him from my life should not be about punishing someone else. I am not distancing myself so that I can hurt him. I am distancing myself so that he won't hurt me any more than he already has. I am protecting myself from his skilled womanizing and manipulation tactics. Because the truth is he is THAT good. He will violate my boundaries again and he will do it with sweetness and affection cloaking his venom. Removing him from my life is equivalent to detoxing from a drug and then being sober afterwards. Even being near it can send you relapsing and spiraling into the abyss that I am working so hard to pull myself out of. So, don't be mad, don't be angry, don't be vindictive, just focus on me and my recovery away from him. Except that when I suddenly think of a memory of him from before when _______, then.... I feel angry again. I'm livid and, well...
... I'm back to step 1.
What's worse than running into an ex?
I'm serious. Can you answer this question: what could be worse than running into an ex?
How about running into his best friend AND his ex-girlfriend's sister within the same hour?
By no means did I think it was possible for the world to be THIS small. Last I heard, B.'s ex-girlfirend's sister was living in a different country. And his bff isn't someone I've ever run into during my 6 years living in the city, hanging out downtown. The only good thing out of both situations is that we didn't have any interaction and I don't think either one of them even saw me.
Last night, I was at a coffee shop with a good friend, each with our laptops and our piles of work to complete. While circling for a parking spot, who do I see-- but B.'s ex-girlfriend's sister. The same girl who (I heard through the grape vine) tried to seduce him after his last relationship had ended. In my book, this kind of stuff doesn't happen, so it's always seemed like a soap opera story they have. And the more removed I am from this relationship, the more disgusted I also feel when I think about whatever sick dynamic he had with two sisters. Obviously, I was in such denial I stayed with him. I wouldn't put it past him that he flirted with her. But I wouldn't put it past her that she would be someone trying to lure him. Either way, all 3 of them are sick sick sick.
So finally, I found a parking spot. Grabbed my stuff and headed into the coffee shop. I wasn't even there for more than 20 minutes when I happened to look up and see B.'s best friend walk into the door. I ducked my head and averted any and all eye contact possible. My saving grace in both situations was that neither one of them saw me. Of course, neither one of them knows about how damaged I have felt by the relationship, so I don't think they would even care. We'd probably have small meaningless chitchat and a whole lot of awkwardness surrounding us because of the big fat elephant we wouldn't be talking about... But there's no way they could ever understand how sick I feel just seeing them. Another example that turns my stomach upside-down is a memory of when B. had a party and his best friend hit planted a big kiss on my... cheek. That was not the target he was aiming for, I'm sure. But I was disgusted that I was quick enough to turn my head when he leaned over. I thought he wanted to tell me something amidst the loud music, but I'm pretty sure that his friend always had some sort of attraction to me. I don't think B. minded it. In fact, I think he enjoyed it. The thought of both of them makes me sick.
So, that was my Sunday. It kind of ruins my awesome Saturday night celebrating with friends. But I did have a great them time, and I was so surprised to see so many friends show up. I had a really great time and I only wish that the surprises of Sunday night could have been a little kinder to my heart.
How about running into his best friend AND his ex-girlfriend's sister within the same hour?
By no means did I think it was possible for the world to be THIS small. Last I heard, B.'s ex-girlfirend's sister was living in a different country. And his bff isn't someone I've ever run into during my 6 years living in the city, hanging out downtown. The only good thing out of both situations is that we didn't have any interaction and I don't think either one of them even saw me.
Last night, I was at a coffee shop with a good friend, each with our laptops and our piles of work to complete. While circling for a parking spot, who do I see-- but B.'s ex-girlfriend's sister. The same girl who (I heard through the grape vine) tried to seduce him after his last relationship had ended. In my book, this kind of stuff doesn't happen, so it's always seemed like a soap opera story they have. And the more removed I am from this relationship, the more disgusted I also feel when I think about whatever sick dynamic he had with two sisters. Obviously, I was in such denial I stayed with him. I wouldn't put it past him that he flirted with her. But I wouldn't put it past her that she would be someone trying to lure him. Either way, all 3 of them are sick sick sick.
So finally, I found a parking spot. Grabbed my stuff and headed into the coffee shop. I wasn't even there for more than 20 minutes when I happened to look up and see B.'s best friend walk into the door. I ducked my head and averted any and all eye contact possible. My saving grace in both situations was that neither one of them saw me. Of course, neither one of them knows about how damaged I have felt by the relationship, so I don't think they would even care. We'd probably have small meaningless chitchat and a whole lot of awkwardness surrounding us because of the big fat elephant we wouldn't be talking about... But there's no way they could ever understand how sick I feel just seeing them. Another example that turns my stomach upside-down is a memory of when B. had a party and his best friend hit planted a big kiss on my... cheek. That was not the target he was aiming for, I'm sure. But I was disgusted that I was quick enough to turn my head when he leaned over. I thought he wanted to tell me something amidst the loud music, but I'm pretty sure that his friend always had some sort of attraction to me. I don't think B. minded it. In fact, I think he enjoyed it. The thought of both of them makes me sick.
So, that was my Sunday. It kind of ruins my awesome Saturday night celebrating with friends. But I did have a great them time, and I was so surprised to see so many friends show up. I had a really great time and I only wish that the surprises of Sunday night could have been a little kinder to my heart.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Am I worthy of celebrating?
My friends are planning a birthday dinner for me tonight. We decided on this event late Thursday night and in less than 48 hours, they got a celebration planned. I don't really know who will show up considering a) the late notice, and b) it's not even my birthday today. My actual birthday is next week, but since I'll be out of town visiting family, I'm doing it now because of how crunched my schedule looks later this month.
This birthday party is pretty meaningful for me. Born into a birthday-loving family, I am a birthday lover myself. In my family, when we celebrate someone's birthday, we give them the entire month rather than just the day. Which means that October has always been MY month. November is my dad's month. February is my brother's month. And my mom has complete and total ownership of May because it's her birthday month AND mother's day.
With this background of having month-long laughter, fun, celebrating, and hugging to celebrate birthdays, I always dreamed of sharing such joyous occasions with my partner one day. But throughout my dating history, all of my ex-boyfriends have epically failed on my birthday. (Meanwhile, I plan huge shindigs for them-- which I would do no matter what! because that's what birthdays are! They are a celebration of love, recognition, and appreciation that THIS person exists in this world)
Still, B. tops the chart for being worst boyfriend on birthday. He used "culture" as an excuse, and says that in Eastern Europe, people don't celebrate birthdays. In fact, sons and daughters used to hammer their parents on the head (yes! with an actual hammer!) because that's what old age brings. Parents don't want to burden their children in their senior state, so that's what birthdays are really about. Hammers and murder, apparently.
So, throughout our dating history, B. never really acknowledged birthdays or celebrated them (other than his own!). He never took me out to dinner, never got me a cake, never got me a present (not even a sentimental one), and never even wished me a real happy birthday-- other than to mock me and to label it an "American concept." For my last 2 birthdays, he succeeded in raining on my parade with his INaction. When I had a small birthday gathering the first time, he went out of town. When he came back, he gave me a small box of mints and didn't even mention that I was one year older! The second year, he was even more explicit, declaring he didn't want to have dinner with my friends and I, and choosing to stay home instead.
It's quite ironic. In my head, I always thought a wonderful birthday celebration meant being with the ones you loved. That's all I want, really. To be surrounded by friends, family, and my partner, and to eat together, laugh together, and to share time together. No presents necessary. Just come together, all of you, so I can see you all at the same time, and spend some precious time with you.
So I feel different now. I don't really know what to think about celebrating MY birthdays anymore because its just depressing these days. My nature is to have it big, loud, fun, and over-the-top. But I date jerks who treat it like any other day and who can't be bothered to spend time with me or those I love. It was difficult for me to decide on having this dinner tonight, because part of me has been contaminated by their apathy. Part of me wants to close my eyes and let the day pass by. Let this month pass my. Let me existence pass by, and let this life pass by. I no longer feel like it's anything to celebrate because because as history can prove: I am not worthy of being celebrated.
Which is why this birthday dinner tonight is pretty meaningful. It means I'll work hard NOT to be influenced by the apathetic, the hurtful, and unapologetic. I will maintain my enthusiasm for life and for celebrating with those I love. Even though I feel like I am sucked dry of positive energy, I will try to have some degree of self-worth for myself. I will believe I'm worthy of being celebrated. I want to focus my energy and appreciation to those who want to celebrate with me. I will strive to be grateful, happy, and inspired to have so many loved ones around me who care enough to want to be with me tonight. Because I haven't felt that in quite a long time.
This birthday party is pretty meaningful for me. Born into a birthday-loving family, I am a birthday lover myself. In my family, when we celebrate someone's birthday, we give them the entire month rather than just the day. Which means that October has always been MY month. November is my dad's month. February is my brother's month. And my mom has complete and total ownership of May because it's her birthday month AND mother's day.
With this background of having month-long laughter, fun, celebrating, and hugging to celebrate birthdays, I always dreamed of sharing such joyous occasions with my partner one day. But throughout my dating history, all of my ex-boyfriends have epically failed on my birthday. (Meanwhile, I plan huge shindigs for them-- which I would do no matter what! because that's what birthdays are! They are a celebration of love, recognition, and appreciation that THIS person exists in this world)
An example? My first boyfriend sucked at birthdays. He didn't even come to the front door when he came to my house. My family and I had just gotten home from dinner and were about to cut the cake. He called from his car and told me to come outside. There in the backyard, standing next to two jumbo trash cans, he tossed me a Motown CD that still had a price tag on it. He said a quick happy birthday and left. He said he was so busy that he couldn't even come into the house to have a slice of cake. He refused to stop in to even say hi to my family.
So, throughout our dating history, B. never really acknowledged birthdays or celebrated them (other than his own!). He never took me out to dinner, never got me a cake, never got me a present (not even a sentimental one), and never even wished me a real happy birthday-- other than to mock me and to label it an "American concept." For my last 2 birthdays, he succeeded in raining on my parade with his INaction. When I had a small birthday gathering the first time, he went out of town. When he came back, he gave me a small box of mints and didn't even mention that I was one year older! The second year, he was even more explicit, declaring he didn't want to have dinner with my friends and I, and choosing to stay home instead.
It's quite ironic. In my head, I always thought a wonderful birthday celebration meant being with the ones you loved. That's all I want, really. To be surrounded by friends, family, and my partner, and to eat together, laugh together, and to share time together. No presents necessary. Just come together, all of you, so I can see you all at the same time, and spend some precious time with you.
So I feel different now. I don't really know what to think about celebrating MY birthdays anymore because its just depressing these days. My nature is to have it big, loud, fun, and over-the-top. But I date jerks who treat it like any other day and who can't be bothered to spend time with me or those I love. It was difficult for me to decide on having this dinner tonight, because part of me has been contaminated by their apathy. Part of me wants to close my eyes and let the day pass by. Let this month pass my. Let me existence pass by, and let this life pass by. I no longer feel like it's anything to celebrate because because as history can prove: I am not worthy of being celebrated.
Which is why this birthday dinner tonight is pretty meaningful. It means I'll work hard NOT to be influenced by the apathetic, the hurtful, and unapologetic. I will maintain my enthusiasm for life and for celebrating with those I love. Even though I feel like I am sucked dry of positive energy, I will try to have some degree of self-worth for myself. I will believe I'm worthy of being celebrated. I want to focus my energy and appreciation to those who want to celebrate with me. I will strive to be grateful, happy, and inspired to have so many loved ones around me who care enough to want to be with me tonight. Because I haven't felt that in quite a long time.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Meeting Prince Charming
I've envisioned falling in love since I was a child. My earliest memory dates back to elementary school when I started having crushes and wondering about whether he (and there were so many potentials) would be my prince charming.
In junior high, my friends laughed thought I was naive and silly when I vowed that I would only date/sleep with/marry 1 guy and that it would only take 1 shot for me to meet my true love. How serious I was, even at the age of 12. I was so determined and so adamant. I even made a "3 million dollar bet" at that time because I was so sure and confident in myself and in my prince charming.
---
Years later, the exhaustion is sinking in, and I'm feeling less optimistic-- perhaps in a healthy way. I might have been too optimistic when I was younger. With my last relationship getting me to such a low point, you might say that I'm swinging to the other extremity now and hopefully getting closer to the middle point. At present, though, if you could see my soul, you would see that there's an old lady therehunched over from years of anticipating love, dating the wrong guys, and always hoping for the best with every single guy. This old, white-haired lady is emotionally drained and does not have the energy to look anymore. It may be a good thing because she's too tired to fantasize changing a below-mediocre guy. She doesn't have the faith or crazy motivation to improve losers so that they can just be prince charming. At this point, she won't make or many sacrifices and she won't take on another project because she's had enough. Should the right person come along and fit well into her life, then that would be fantastic. If not, then she'll continue to move forward, even if it's at a snail's pace, because she's doing OK even if it's on her own. For the first time ever, she's not taking concerned about Prince Charming or where he is at. She's not fantasizing about him or what could be between them. She's just taking things one step at a time, and enjoying the peace that she feels while she's at it.
In junior high, my friends laughed thought I was naive and silly when I vowed that I would only date/sleep with/marry 1 guy and that it would only take 1 shot for me to meet my true love. How serious I was, even at the age of 12. I was so determined and so adamant. I even made a "3 million dollar bet" at that time because I was so sure and confident in myself and in my prince charming.
---
Years later, the exhaustion is sinking in, and I'm feeling less optimistic-- perhaps in a healthy way. I might have been too optimistic when I was younger. With my last relationship getting me to such a low point, you might say that I'm swinging to the other extremity now and hopefully getting closer to the middle point. At present, though, if you could see my soul, you would see that there's an old lady therehunched over from years of anticipating love, dating the wrong guys, and always hoping for the best with every single guy. This old, white-haired lady is emotionally drained and does not have the energy to look anymore. It may be a good thing because she's too tired to fantasize changing a below-mediocre guy. She doesn't have the faith or crazy motivation to improve losers so that they can just be prince charming. At this point, she won't make or many sacrifices and she won't take on another project because she's had enough. Should the right person come along and fit well into her life, then that would be fantastic. If not, then she'll continue to move forward, even if it's at a snail's pace, because she's doing OK even if it's on her own. For the first time ever, she's not taking concerned about Prince Charming or where he is at. She's not fantasizing about him or what could be between them. She's just taking things one step at a time, and enjoying the peace that she feels while she's at it.
He saved your life
Yesterday, during our walk at the park, I told Penny about the message that B. sent me the night before. I expressed to her my anger, my frustration, my feelings of being violated (again!), and she expressed how shocked and proud she was that I actually ignoreed him and was able to block him.
As the 4 of us (Me, my dog, her, and her unborn baby) continued our trek along the lake, she said in amazement... "He saved your life, you know. Mr. Z. saved your life. No matter how much we wanted to help you, and how many humans tried to save you from that relationship, we couldn't. It took him. It took this little doggy, it took Mr. Z. to save you."
Here's Mr. Z enjoying our trip to the park. Along him is his trendy bag that contains his water, snack, toys, and whatever else he might need for one of our adventures.
As the 4 of us (Me, my dog, her, and her unborn baby) continued our trek along the lake, she said in amazement... "He saved your life, you know. Mr. Z. saved your life. No matter how much we wanted to help you, and how many humans tried to save you from that relationship, we couldn't. It took him. It took this little doggy, it took Mr. Z. to save you."
Here's Mr. Z enjoying our trip to the park. Along him is his trendy bag that contains his water, snack, toys, and whatever else he might need for one of our adventures.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Daily walks
Just changed my blog design! I think I like it, but we'll have to see...
Later this afternoon, I'm going to take Mr. Z. on a walk with my pregnant best friend, Penny. She's into her 12th week and her little baby has grown from the size of a peanut to a fig... and now a lime!
Thinking about the baby brings a smile to my face and reminds me of good, positive surprises that come our way. Remember when I cried and was upset about this significant change and what it would do to our friendship? We actually hang out more now and spend more time together than before.
Here's a picture from last summer when I accidentally took a picture of myself with my phone. I quite like this photo because it captures a cute skirt that I bought at a market in Taiwan. I use the same purse today because it's small and compact, and perfect for walks in the park.
Later this afternoon, I'm going to take Mr. Z. on a walk with my pregnant best friend, Penny. She's into her 12th week and her little baby has grown from the size of a peanut to a fig... and now a lime!
Thinking about the baby brings a smile to my face and reminds me of good, positive surprises that come our way. Remember when I cried and was upset about this significant change and what it would do to our friendship? We actually hang out more now and spend more time together than before.
Here's a picture from last summer when I accidentally took a picture of myself with my phone. I quite like this photo because it captures a cute skirt that I bought at a market in Taiwan. I use the same purse today because it's small and compact, and perfect for walks in the park.
The next few weeks will be busy for me but I will try to continue taking walks with Penny and her little baby. And Mr. Z of course. It is good self-care to get our bodies moving, to be healthy with a friend, and to catch-up with each other about our lives, our families, our feelings.
Reclaiming my identity
Instead of feeling humiliated so often, I'm going to title my entries: "Reclaiming my identity".
It sure beats a title like: "Humiliating memories Part I, II, III" don't you think? So even after I feel a multitude of emotions, I will remind myself that admitting these memories can be a way for me to reclaim my history and my identity. So, here goes.
Memory 1
I drove by B.'s old apartment the other day and was triggered by a memory of us having a BBQ early in the summer, about a month or two before we broke up. It was a double-date BBQ with his colleague and his colleague's wife. We had a picnic set up on the grass and were sitting cross-legged on the blanket. I can't remember the details, but either B. or I asked the couple about their story: how they met, how they knew they were made for each other, all that romantic jazz. The story was cute and funny but I was not able to give them my full attention. Throughout their story-telling, I kept wondering what we would say when they me and B. about our relationship. I assumed, according to social convention, that they would ask! I thought they'd want to know how we met, what we made us like each other, etc. etc. I was quite curious to hear what B. would say. I was also preparing myself to say good things about him from when we first met and when I had been swept off my feet.
But they never asked us about our relationship. It was pretty awkward that they didn't, actually. So it felt quite hurtful. I assume B. must have talked to his friend about us. He probably told them I am NOT the girl of his dreams and that he does not foresee a long-distance relationship with me. I envision he made it clear to them that our relationship was not important enough to ask and that I'm not particularly special in his life. After 2 years of dating, you'd think that. But I just had this feeling that he probably has made it blatantly clear that I'm no one special.
That night, B. and I got in a fight. I don't remember the content of the fight, but I will never forget what he said. He referred to his friend's story of how he met his wife and used it to highlight how pitiful he is not to have that with me. His friend had said that that no matter how stressful work is, how mean his advisors are, or how badly his day is going, seeing his wife at the end of the day makes it all OK. I remember tearing up when he said this because I believe that! I always envisioned relationships to be this way and and I have strived to be like that counterpart for B.
Anyways, when B. and I were fighting, he brought up this point and gave me a woe-is-me story that he doesn't have what his friend has. He said almost-verbatim: "The whole time I was listening him talk about their relationship and how he feels about his wife, I thought about us and how I don't feel that way about you. I want that so much, and its sad I don't have that."
I'm pretty sure my heart shattered to pieces when I heard that.
---
When I think back to this conversation with him, I want to literally crawl into a hole and close my eyes forever. I can't imagine looking in a mirror to see my face because I hate myself for letting him say that to me. I hate myself for being with someone who pities himself and is hurting me simultaneously. He hasn't seen any of the efforts I made to be the best girlfriend ever. He doesn't care that I have given up so much for him, that I am at his beck-and-call, that I do basically everything for him. That conversation was brutal. It was like he carved out my heart with a sharp piece of broken glass. What kind of boyfriend says that to his girlfriend? That I don't make him happy, that seeing me doesn't bring him contentment? That his life is sad because he met a girl that just doesn't do it for him.
I'm livid with myself for not walking out of that conversation and saying goodbye to him forever at that exact point in time. I remember thinking that way. I remember the anger and humiliation at the time, and that anger and humiliation is very pervasive even now. These feelings are what randomly charge into my life, in the middle of driving down the street, taking a walk, or right before bed. I hate myself because I couldn't leave him. What happened is that I died a little more on the inside. During his monologue, I'm sure I cried and I'm sure that he didn't understand why I cried. Because his impression was that he is the victim because he's not with the woman of his dreams. So what am I? Something to pass the time? Looking back, I wish I could have done something crazily dramatic and left. I envision it would have been violent too, but that really isn't me. It just hurt so bad, it was so humiliating, and I hate myself for letting him talk to me like that.
Unfortunately, such a conversation is not the first (or last) conversation in which he humiliated me and made me feel like a temporary and deficient object used to pass the time. It's one of many and it has been popping into my head left and right these days. It makes me hate him, it makes me hate me, it makes me feel so embarrassed that I want to disappear into a hole forever.
It sure beats a title like: "Humiliating memories Part I, II, III" don't you think? So even after I feel a multitude of emotions, I will remind myself that admitting these memories can be a way for me to reclaim my history and my identity. So, here goes.
Memory 1
I drove by B.'s old apartment the other day and was triggered by a memory of us having a BBQ early in the summer, about a month or two before we broke up. It was a double-date BBQ with his colleague and his colleague's wife. We had a picnic set up on the grass and were sitting cross-legged on the blanket. I can't remember the details, but either B. or I asked the couple about their story: how they met, how they knew they were made for each other, all that romantic jazz. The story was cute and funny but I was not able to give them my full attention. Throughout their story-telling, I kept wondering what we would say when they me and B. about our relationship. I assumed, according to social convention, that they would ask! I thought they'd want to know how we met, what we made us like each other, etc. etc. I was quite curious to hear what B. would say. I was also preparing myself to say good things about him from when we first met and when I had been swept off my feet.
But they never asked us about our relationship. It was pretty awkward that they didn't, actually. So it felt quite hurtful. I assume B. must have talked to his friend about us. He probably told them I am NOT the girl of his dreams and that he does not foresee a long-distance relationship with me. I envision he made it clear to them that our relationship was not important enough to ask and that I'm not particularly special in his life. After 2 years of dating, you'd think that. But I just had this feeling that he probably has made it blatantly clear that I'm no one special.
That night, B. and I got in a fight. I don't remember the content of the fight, but I will never forget what he said. He referred to his friend's story of how he met his wife and used it to highlight how pitiful he is not to have that with me. His friend had said that that no matter how stressful work is, how mean his advisors are, or how badly his day is going, seeing his wife at the end of the day makes it all OK. I remember tearing up when he said this because I believe that! I always envisioned relationships to be this way and and I have strived to be like that counterpart for B.
Anyways, when B. and I were fighting, he brought up this point and gave me a woe-is-me story that he doesn't have what his friend has. He said almost-verbatim: "The whole time I was listening him talk about their relationship and how he feels about his wife, I thought about us and how I don't feel that way about you. I want that so much, and its sad I don't have that."
I'm pretty sure my heart shattered to pieces when I heard that.
---
When I think back to this conversation with him, I want to literally crawl into a hole and close my eyes forever. I can't imagine looking in a mirror to see my face because I hate myself for letting him say that to me. I hate myself for being with someone who pities himself and is hurting me simultaneously. He hasn't seen any of the efforts I made to be the best girlfriend ever. He doesn't care that I have given up so much for him, that I am at his beck-and-call, that I do basically everything for him. That conversation was brutal. It was like he carved out my heart with a sharp piece of broken glass. What kind of boyfriend says that to his girlfriend? That I don't make him happy, that seeing me doesn't bring him contentment? That his life is sad because he met a girl that just doesn't do it for him.
I'm livid with myself for not walking out of that conversation and saying goodbye to him forever at that exact point in time. I remember thinking that way. I remember the anger and humiliation at the time, and that anger and humiliation is very pervasive even now. These feelings are what randomly charge into my life, in the middle of driving down the street, taking a walk, or right before bed. I hate myself because I couldn't leave him. What happened is that I died a little more on the inside. During his monologue, I'm sure I cried and I'm sure that he didn't understand why I cried. Because his impression was that he is the victim because he's not with the woman of his dreams. So what am I? Something to pass the time? Looking back, I wish I could have done something crazily dramatic and left. I envision it would have been violent too, but that really isn't me. It just hurt so bad, it was so humiliating, and I hate myself for letting him talk to me like that.
Unfortunately, such a conversation is not the first (or last) conversation in which he humiliated me and made me feel like a temporary and deficient object used to pass the time. It's one of many and it has been popping into my head left and right these days. It makes me hate him, it makes me hate me, it makes me feel so embarrassed that I want to disappear into a hole forever.
Humiliation
Most of the time, I go about my day feeling fine. Being productive, being active, enjoying the moment, enjoying my life. But in random, unpredictable moments when I am triggered by a memory of B. and the relationship, I can explode into tears immediately and not even know why until I sit and process it for a good long while.
I cry because I remember and because I feel humiliated.
I have so many humiliating memories of our relationship. I feel that he has humiliated me to the utmost degree: in front of him, in front of others, and worst of all, in front of myself. They say that when a man cheats, the wife is usually the last to know. What that means is that everyone else knows, whispers, wonders, speculates. The wife becomes a show. A sad show and maybe even an entertaining show. That's how I feel. I feel like my life, over the past 2 years was an objectified show and I never knew it all that time.
Because I was triggered so much by memories of me that feel utterly humiliating, I didn't journal last week. At all. Not in my handwritten journal, and not online either. Why? Because I couldn't begin to write/type. I felt like putting-it-down-in-writing makes it real. And at that point, I don't want any of these memories to be real. I don't want the "me" in that relationship to be real because I don't like her or respect her, and I personally feel embarrassed by her and for her.
I am quite mean to myself, I realize. And it's because of these reasons that I couldn't write.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful therapist who lets me talk and cry and talk some more. I don't really have that in my life, and it's rare for me to just sit and talk. Usually, I let others talk, I fit my conversations into something relevant for others, and I avoid taking up all of the time and attention because it makes me feel like a spotlight-hogger and a narcissist.
But I have so many words and emotions that overwhelm me. They pour out of me that unintentionally and without my permission. Without my awareness, they seep into my day to day life and they force me to cry. As hard as I try to control all of this, I believe that my body is telling me talk. Feel. Express. Let it out somehow.
But I can't guarantee that I'll do this well. That I'm even doing this surprises me and is a significant challenge for me. I can't promise to be consistent with this endeavor and I will probably struggle immensely trying to write out the memories/triggers. But I'll try.
I cry because I remember and because I feel humiliated.
I have so many humiliating memories of our relationship. I feel that he has humiliated me to the utmost degree: in front of him, in front of others, and worst of all, in front of myself. They say that when a man cheats, the wife is usually the last to know. What that means is that everyone else knows, whispers, wonders, speculates. The wife becomes a show. A sad show and maybe even an entertaining show. That's how I feel. I feel like my life, over the past 2 years was an objectified show and I never knew it all that time.
Because I was triggered so much by memories of me that feel utterly humiliating, I didn't journal last week. At all. Not in my handwritten journal, and not online either. Why? Because I couldn't begin to write/type. I felt like putting-it-down-in-writing makes it real. And at that point, I don't want any of these memories to be real. I don't want the "me" in that relationship to be real because I don't like her or respect her, and I personally feel embarrassed by her and for her.
I am quite mean to myself, I realize. And it's because of these reasons that I couldn't write.
Thankfully, I have a wonderful therapist who lets me talk and cry and talk some more. I don't really have that in my life, and it's rare for me to just sit and talk. Usually, I let others talk, I fit my conversations into something relevant for others, and I avoid taking up all of the time and attention because it makes me feel like a spotlight-hogger and a narcissist.
But I have so many words and emotions that overwhelm me. They pour out of me that unintentionally and without my permission. Without my awareness, they seep into my day to day life and they force me to cry. As hard as I try to control all of this, I believe that my body is telling me talk. Feel. Express. Let it out somehow.
But I can't guarantee that I'll do this well. That I'm even doing this surprises me and is a significant challenge for me. I can't promise to be consistent with this endeavor and I will probably struggle immensely trying to write out the memories/triggers. But I'll try.
When you least expect it...
B. contacted me yesterday. I remember blocking him on gchat, but on one of the days when I was weak and looking at his name in the chat list, I must have unblocked him. So, when his little chat-box flew up, I couldn't have been more surprised. All it took were a few words and I feel like I've back-pedaled 20 steps.
All he said was:
"Hey kiddo... Hope you are doing well. Nice to see you, it's been such a long time. How are you?"
And his three sentences sent me spiraling into a roller coaster ride filled with anger, sadness, frustration, shock. I had to spend the next hour grounding myself to remind me that he wasn't really here and that my life has changed significantly since he's been gone. I walked the dog, I read my journal entries from before, I actually comforted myself by reading the previous email from Don, and I also looked through pictures from the wedding 2 weeks ago.
I had to do all that to remind myself that I have a life without him.
----
Today, the skies are grey and it is cold and windy outside. I woke up feeling drained and all I want is to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot chai, some popcorn, and a good movie. I feel exhausted and I feel kind of scared. He exists and he is real. He is somewhere out there and he was and is a reality. Meaning our relationship was real, and that the pain is real. I feel internally conflicted because I want this angst out of my body.
I wonder to myself... should we just be friends so I can live in the present? If we talk about now, then can I completely let go of the past and never have to deal with it again? If I know him for who he now, can't I enjoy his existence in this world as someone who simply sucks as a boyfriend but fortunately isn't my boyfriend? I don't know. I also think that being friends would be a cop-out because then I won't experience the disgusting feelings that I have inside, and in turn, I can't work through them to become healthy.
So I guess the rational thing to do is to continue to block him and let myself feel the anger and humiliation that I feel when I am suddenly triggered by a memory of him and our relationship.
Still. I wonder. Is the hard way always the right way? Is the more difficult path necessarily the better path? The one that's actually better for us?
All he said was:
"Hey kiddo... Hope you are doing well. Nice to see you, it's been such a long time. How are you?"
And his three sentences sent me spiraling into a roller coaster ride filled with anger, sadness, frustration, shock. I had to spend the next hour grounding myself to remind me that he wasn't really here and that my life has changed significantly since he's been gone. I walked the dog, I read my journal entries from before, I actually comforted myself by reading the previous email from Don, and I also looked through pictures from the wedding 2 weeks ago.
I had to do all that to remind myself that I have a life without him.
----
Today, the skies are grey and it is cold and windy outside. I woke up feeling drained and all I want is to curl up on the couch with a cup of hot chai, some popcorn, and a good movie. I feel exhausted and I feel kind of scared. He exists and he is real. He is somewhere out there and he was and is a reality. Meaning our relationship was real, and that the pain is real. I feel internally conflicted because I want this angst out of my body.
I wonder to myself... should we just be friends so I can live in the present? If we talk about now, then can I completely let go of the past and never have to deal with it again? If I know him for who he now, can't I enjoy his existence in this world as someone who simply sucks as a boyfriend but fortunately isn't my boyfriend? I don't know. I also think that being friends would be a cop-out because then I won't experience the disgusting feelings that I have inside, and in turn, I can't work through them to become healthy.
So I guess the rational thing to do is to continue to block him and let myself feel the anger and humiliation that I feel when I am suddenly triggered by a memory of him and our relationship.
Still. I wonder. Is the hard way always the right way? Is the more difficult path necessarily the better path? The one that's actually better for us?
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I'm weird only because my environment says I am.
I responded to a high school friend's email about being single and feeling like a creature within her social circle. I've copied my email to this entry because it captures my feelings perfectly. It's actually a topic I've been thinking about all week. And now, it's even more authentic because it's exactly what I say to dear old friend of mine...
"...I can definitely say I know how you feel about your friends from group 2. The difference between me and you is that my ONLY friends in category 1 are you guys and a handful of gals from college. About 99.99% of my interactions since grad school has been with group 2: the soon-to-be-married, already-married, and the married-with-kids gals. Heck, I went to 2 weddings in the past 3 weeks, and 2 of my friends here just announced that they are pregnant and expecting.
I did online dating 3 years ago and used match.com. I told a couple of friends who also then got into it, and two of them actually found their husband and fiancee, respectively. It's pretty crazy how quickly it happened for them, but it works for some people. For me, online dating was more bad than good. It blew up in my face and I met asshole after asshole after asshole. Could be because I'm here. It could also be that I'm just bad at picking out the good ones from the jackasses.
Being in the midwest is really unique. Everyone around me has settled. They have their roots here, they have their ancestries there, and so often, I see 3 generations of families having dinner together, going to the farmers market together, going to the football game together... It makes me feel like something is wrong with me because I'm so mobile and everything is so temporary. I have NO idea where I'll be going for internship next year. And it's equally ambiguous where I'll work after internship. Nothing's certain in my life, and that is the opposite of security, stability, settling down, and having babies.
But I found hope last week. Over the weekend when I was in Texas, I met a boy! He's from Berkeley, CA and he is studying architecture and likely going to Spain next year to study some more buildings. As fun as it was to flirt, he did a lot for me than he'll ever know. He rejuvenated me and gave me inspiration to realize that there are people like me...... just not here in the midwest. He doesn't know where he'll be next year and he doesn't want to know where he'll be in 3 years. He considers himself a traveller. Before going to school, he spent 3 years in Texas, has now spent 3 years in CA, and now? Who knows? 3 years in Spain, perhaps? Who knows what's next? Maybe Japan?
Talking to him was so rejuvenating. He reminded me of.. me! My life, my journey, my previous outlook on life-- but his attitude is SO much different from my attitude these days. And he is filled with optimism and excitement. It was also the first wedding he ever went to, which makes me laugh because this just shows the cultural stereotype of midwesterners getting married early. In another city, with another group of friends, I would be the norm: single, unattached, young. But being that I'm in this context, I'm a total anomaly. I am always the 7th wheel, the 11th wheel, or the 13th wheel. They always have to add 1 extra seat for me because I am ALWAYS the single girl in a group of couples. But anyways, back to this berkeley boy. Ever since talking to him, I've decided to re-connect with myself. I've been thinking about my life differently, and rather than feel like I'm 3 steps behind everyone (step 1: meet a boy, step 2: marry the boy, step 3: have a baby), I feel free and mobile, and I feel like the world is my oyster.
But that's just this week. If I see another "engaged" status change on facebook, my outlook will probably change."
"...I can definitely say I know how you feel about your friends from group 2. The difference between me and you is that my ONLY friends in category 1 are you guys and a handful of gals from college. About 99.99% of my interactions since grad school has been with group 2: the soon-to-be-married, already-married, and the married-with-kids gals. Heck, I went to 2 weddings in the past 3 weeks, and 2 of my friends here just announced that they are pregnant and expecting.
I did online dating 3 years ago and used match.com. I told a couple of friends who also then got into it, and two of them actually found their husband and fiancee, respectively. It's pretty crazy how quickly it happened for them, but it works for some people. For me, online dating was more bad than good. It blew up in my face and I met asshole after asshole after asshole. Could be because I'm here. It could also be that I'm just bad at picking out the good ones from the jackasses.
Being in the midwest is really unique. Everyone around me has settled. They have their roots here, they have their ancestries there, and so often, I see 3 generations of families having dinner together, going to the farmers market together, going to the football game together... It makes me feel like something is wrong with me because I'm so mobile and everything is so temporary. I have NO idea where I'll be going for internship next year. And it's equally ambiguous where I'll work after internship. Nothing's certain in my life, and that is the opposite of security, stability, settling down, and having babies.
But I found hope last week. Over the weekend when I was in Texas, I met a boy! He's from Berkeley, CA and he is studying architecture and likely going to Spain next year to study some more buildings. As fun as it was to flirt, he did a lot for me than he'll ever know. He rejuvenated me and gave me inspiration to realize that there are people like me...... just not here in the midwest. He doesn't know where he'll be next year and he doesn't want to know where he'll be in 3 years. He considers himself a traveller. Before going to school, he spent 3 years in Texas, has now spent 3 years in CA, and now? Who knows? 3 years in Spain, perhaps? Who knows what's next? Maybe Japan?
Talking to him was so rejuvenating. He reminded me of.. me! My life, my journey, my previous outlook on life-- but his attitude is SO much different from my attitude these days. And he is filled with optimism and excitement. It was also the first wedding he ever went to, which makes me laugh because this just shows the cultural stereotype of midwesterners getting married early. In another city, with another group of friends, I would be the norm: single, unattached, young. But being that I'm in this context, I'm a total anomaly. I am always the 7th wheel, the 11th wheel, or the 13th wheel. They always have to add 1 extra seat for me because I am ALWAYS the single girl in a group of couples. But anyways, back to this berkeley boy. Ever since talking to him, I've decided to re-connect with myself. I've been thinking about my life differently, and rather than feel like I'm 3 steps behind everyone (step 1: meet a boy, step 2: marry the boy, step 3: have a baby), I feel free and mobile, and I feel like the world is my oyster.
But that's just this week. If I see another "engaged" status change on facebook, my outlook will probably change."
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