Visiting family

My apologies for being offline last week. I spent a few days visiting family and was fortunate enough to celebrate my birthday with them! In just the short period that I was gone, I actually underwent a ton of realizations and revelations that I want to elaborate on in my writing.  I don't have much time to do this now because I'm back at home now, and needing to catch-up on work.  My grandmother is also visiting, so I am also somewhat entertaining and needing to be as efficient as possible so I can spend this week with her.  I'll definitely write soon, though.  I'm just trying to bask in the feeling of love and being with family for as long as I can.

At the very least, let me quickly say that my birthday rocked.  It wasn't anything spectacular, but I felt so blessed to be with family and to get warm wishes from tons of friends and extended family all over the world.  Friends who I haven't talked to in years contacted me to say hello on my special day.  My best friend sent me a beautiful piece of jewelry as a surprise (in her note she wrote: here's a little blue box to celebrate you!), and a friend from college called to say that she wanted to send flowers, but since I was out of town, then she was going to have it delivered over the weekend.  My brother also made tremendous efforts to get me something even though he didn't know what.  So when we wandered the mall that afternoon, he threw himself forward to pay for everything I wanted, and that's exactly what happened!  I got everything I wanted! Eye liner, nose studs at a kiosk, a fruit smoothie.... what more could I ask for then to feel like the people around me wanted to celebrate me for being just me?

The only damper to my day (and week?) is that B. called me on the morning of my birthday.  On the actual day he called... 3 times.  And no, he didn't leave a message.  The irony of him calling is that he NEVER wanted to celebrate my birthday, and now, here he was, calling me.  I was so infuriated when I saw his name pop-up on my phone.  I was even more annoyed afterwards when I realized how disappointed I was to see that there was no voicemail.  But come on, now.  What would he really say?  My guess is that he would sound absolutely happy and chipper to say, "hey! how are you? i wanted to wish you a happy birthday! i hope you are doing so well! i really wish well for you! how are you actually?"  And in turn, I would want to cry and barf at the same time because it's a) so invalidating for him to act like things are great, and also b) so disgusting that he thinks he can manipulate my feelings like he has during our time together.

For now, I can think to myself: "Screw him! Grandma is here and Mr. Z is here, and you are loved, cherished, and you are also able to love and cherish them.  Enjoy this! Enjoy now!"

Rest assured, however, reality will catch up with me soon and I will start feeling lonely and heartbroken and rejected in a matter of time. Still, I'm good right now.  I'm good this week.  And I am starting this new year/age with positivity and love.