This birthday party is pretty meaningful for me. Born into a birthday-loving family, I am a birthday lover myself. In my family, when we celebrate someone's birthday, we give them the entire month rather than just the day. Which means that October has always been MY month. November is my dad's month. February is my brother's month. And my mom has complete and total ownership of May because it's her birthday month AND mother's day.
With this background of having month-long laughter, fun, celebrating, and hugging to celebrate birthdays, I always dreamed of sharing such joyous occasions with my partner one day. But throughout my dating history, all of my ex-boyfriends have epically failed on my birthday. (Meanwhile, I plan huge shindigs for them-- which I would do no matter what! because that's what birthdays are! They are a celebration of love, recognition, and appreciation that THIS person exists in this world)
An example? My first boyfriend sucked at birthdays. He didn't even come to the front door when he came to my house. My family and I had just gotten home from dinner and were about to cut the cake. He called from his car and told me to come outside. There in the backyard, standing next to two jumbo trash cans, he tossed me a Motown CD that still had a price tag on it. He said a quick happy birthday and left. He said he was so busy that he couldn't even come into the house to have a slice of cake. He refused to stop in to even say hi to my family.
So, throughout our dating history, B. never really acknowledged birthdays or celebrated them (other than his own!). He never took me out to dinner, never got me a cake, never got me a present (not even a sentimental one), and never even wished me a real happy birthday-- other than to mock me and to label it an "American concept." For my last 2 birthdays, he succeeded in raining on my parade with his INaction. When I had a small birthday gathering the first time, he went out of town. When he came back, he gave me a small box of mints and didn't even mention that I was one year older! The second year, he was even more explicit, declaring he didn't want to have dinner with my friends and I, and choosing to stay home instead.
It's quite ironic. In my head, I always thought a wonderful birthday celebration meant being with the ones you loved. That's all I want, really. To be surrounded by friends, family, and my partner, and to eat together, laugh together, and to share time together. No presents necessary. Just come together, all of you, so I can see you all at the same time, and spend some precious time with you.
So I feel different now. I don't really know what to think about celebrating MY birthdays anymore because its just depressing these days. My nature is to have it big, loud, fun, and over-the-top. But I date jerks who treat it like any other day and who can't be bothered to spend time with me or those I love. It was difficult for me to decide on having this dinner tonight, because part of me has been contaminated by their apathy. Part of me wants to close my eyes and let the day pass by. Let this month pass my. Let me existence pass by, and let this life pass by. I no longer feel like it's anything to celebrate because because as history can prove: I am not worthy of being celebrated.
Which is why this birthday dinner tonight is pretty meaningful. It means I'll work hard NOT to be influenced by the apathetic, the hurtful, and unapologetic. I will maintain my enthusiasm for life and for celebrating with those I love. Even though I feel like I am sucked dry of positive energy, I will try to have some degree of self-worth for myself. I will believe I'm worthy of being celebrated. I want to focus my energy and appreciation to those who want to celebrate with me. I will strive to be grateful, happy, and inspired to have so many loved ones around me who care enough to want to be with me tonight. Because I haven't felt that in quite a long time.
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