Even before the break-up, I thought about the after-effects. Several times, I thought I was being relationship-savvy, weighing the risks and benefits and ultimately thinking that I would be alright in the end because at least I was thinking about it! I thought, hey! it's not like this is my first break-up and I've surely had a few under my belt. I survived those, so surely, I will be fine after this.
How wrong I was.
This relationship really has broken me in so many ways. A friend of mine said to me awhile ago, "Listen! He has broken you. Broken you! He has hurt you in every single way possible and still, you think you're going to come out of this with no scarring?"
My friends are so insightful and they have been amazing throughout all of this. This same friend also said to me once, "At what point will the damage be so bad, that you can't come back to being who you used to be, and believing what you used to believe in?"
So, I'm writing today about consequences because I've been thinking about it every. single. friggin. day. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was untouchable, I thought I couldn't be hurt because I'm a lover and a healer and giver.
So, this entry is only part I of many many parts. There is so much more to write about. So much loss that I feel: in myself, in my ability to trust my own decision-making and instinct, to trust others, to have faith in unconditional love, to believe that I am deserving of a person who would love me no matter what.
I've lost what was, what is, what I thought could have been. Part of break-ups is re-defining who you are without that person. Who you will be without that person. What your life will be like without that person. I am in re-organization mode.
For the past 3 weeks, I've cried myself to sleep almost every night. This week I've stopped the pattern, and I'm feeling some progress. Yay, improvement.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
Quitting him cold turkey.
If I were counting the days, I would know that my breakup with B. was approximately three weeks ago. But then we saw each other 3 days later to exchange items that we had from each other. 4 days later, he texted me to wish me a safe flight, and 7 days after that, he IMed me online to ask how my family is doing, how my new dog is doing, and whether I enjoy the weather in the country that I'm in to see my family. Since then, I have only been online under the status of "invisible" so that he does not see that I'm there, and so that I don't have to block him just yet.
In every breakup I've been in, it's been darn-near impossible for me to cut them off cold-turkey. And technology has made it 10000 times harder because it's hard enough to have to deal with having such an absence in my day-to-day life, in my living space, and in my social life. In addition to going home to an empty apartment every night, and waking up to an empty apartment every morning, I also have to deal with having to cut them out of every form of technology that I use for social networking and communication.
I can't even turn on my computer and check email without feeling a skip in my heart as well as utter dread. Because turning on my gmail means that my gchat list will pop up and my eyes will directly go straight there to see if he is online -- if he is on gchat.
If he is, then I'm relieved but also sad because we can't talk.
If he's not, then I start to feel anxious, because that must mean he's not online right? And if he's not on the computer, then where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing? None of these questions have to do with me, whatsoever, but still, my brain produces all these questions and I begin to feel anxious and upset. I can't even check my email without obsessing about him.
It would make things much easier if I could just cut him out of my life, cold-turkey, by blocking his screen name, de-friending him from facebook, deleting old email messages from him, and deleting his phone number/name from my phone. In my practical day-to-day life back at home, I've actually gathered together all the love letters from the past and put them somewhere completely out of sight. Friends have suggested getting rid of them altogether, but I just can't bear to do it because it's too permanent of a loss. So I stuff it all in a cabinet and hope that one day, I can throw it away. Someday, someday. Right now, I just can't.
For now, I have to be OK with doing it my way. Even if it seems like cheating and I feel weak for not being able to be totally logical, rational, and cool about it. I'm not like other people who can cut-it-off cold-turkey and then move on completely. I wish I were. At most, I have only been able to do it increments. I remove evidence of the relationship little by little, such as blocking and then unblocking a few times before actually being able to permanently block him and not be obsessed about him. It also takes me awhile to stop being "invisible" online because it's so gratifying to "see" him to know that he's there. Please just let me feel like I can at least "see" you when I want to-- even if we're not together anymore, even if I'm not even significant in your life anymore.
In my attempt to be more compassionate with myself, I will try to acknowledge that at the very least, I actually successfully broke up and maintained breaking up with him. Within our 2 year-relationship, the people around me were growing so sick of our on-and-off, on-and-off roller coaster of a relationship. I was sick of being so miserable myself, and feeling like my life was completely out of my control. In every attempt to break up, never once did he really let me go, and in truth, I don't think I wanted him to let me go.
So, at least this time around, I'm actually off of the roller coaster. Completely. It's just that sometimes, I look at it longingly even though I know it's much healthier for me to be looking at it from afar. At least for now, let me have that.
In every breakup I've been in, it's been darn-near impossible for me to cut them off cold-turkey. And technology has made it 10000 times harder because it's hard enough to have to deal with having such an absence in my day-to-day life, in my living space, and in my social life. In addition to going home to an empty apartment every night, and waking up to an empty apartment every morning, I also have to deal with having to cut them out of every form of technology that I use for social networking and communication.
I can't even turn on my computer and check email without feeling a skip in my heart as well as utter dread. Because turning on my gmail means that my gchat list will pop up and my eyes will directly go straight there to see if he is online -- if he is on gchat.
If he is, then I'm relieved but also sad because we can't talk.
If he's not, then I start to feel anxious, because that must mean he's not online right? And if he's not on the computer, then where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing? None of these questions have to do with me, whatsoever, but still, my brain produces all these questions and I begin to feel anxious and upset. I can't even check my email without obsessing about him.
It would make things much easier if I could just cut him out of my life, cold-turkey, by blocking his screen name, de-friending him from facebook, deleting old email messages from him, and deleting his phone number/name from my phone. In my practical day-to-day life back at home, I've actually gathered together all the love letters from the past and put them somewhere completely out of sight. Friends have suggested getting rid of them altogether, but I just can't bear to do it because it's too permanent of a loss. So I stuff it all in a cabinet and hope that one day, I can throw it away. Someday, someday. Right now, I just can't.
For now, I have to be OK with doing it my way. Even if it seems like cheating and I feel weak for not being able to be totally logical, rational, and cool about it. I'm not like other people who can cut-it-off cold-turkey and then move on completely. I wish I were. At most, I have only been able to do it increments. I remove evidence of the relationship little by little, such as blocking and then unblocking a few times before actually being able to permanently block him and not be obsessed about him. It also takes me awhile to stop being "invisible" online because it's so gratifying to "see" him to know that he's there. Please just let me feel like I can at least "see" you when I want to-- even if we're not together anymore, even if I'm not even significant in your life anymore.
In my attempt to be more compassionate with myself, I will try to acknowledge that at the very least, I actually successfully broke up and maintained breaking up with him. Within our 2 year-relationship, the people around me were growing so sick of our on-and-off, on-and-off roller coaster of a relationship. I was sick of being so miserable myself, and feeling like my life was completely out of my control. In every attempt to break up, never once did he really let me go, and in truth, I don't think I wanted him to let me go.
So, at least this time around, I'm actually off of the roller coaster. Completely. It's just that sometimes, I look at it longingly even though I know it's much healthier for me to be looking at it from afar. At least for now, let me have that.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Creating and fostering positive energies and habits for myself
I came across a health tip today that I couldn't stop thinking about once I began to apply it to different areas of my life. Specifically, the tip that I read about had to do with having a health cleanse and eating vegetables as much as you can. More specifically, Bethenny Frankel, who is a natural food chef among other things, said:
"Eat vegetables every chance you get, whenever you get the urge. The more you eat them, the more you will learn to appreciate them and even crave them"
Sounds easy enough, right? But while I was driving to family reunion/gathering tonight, I found myself looking at all of the different restaurants in the city and thinking more and more about this health tip as being just the tip of an iceberg. There is so much to be learned from that tip than to eat more veggies. What I began to think about was that human nature, although raw and instinctual, can be something that is manipulated, shaped, and organized designed for optimal health and well-being. That is, we can train ourselves to like things that we normally wouldn't. We can intentionally develop habits that did not exist before.
Take for example, exercise. Health and fitness experts typically work out daily not because they feel pressured to do so, but because they describe being "addicted to it" once they have get into the routine of doing it for awhile. So, apparently, and I can attest to this too, exercise is something you can train your body to like so that it becomes a part of your day-to-day lifestyle, and perhaps even habit (if you have the self-discipline to build it into a habit over time). And now, thinking about the tip from Bethenny Frankel, I guess the same goes for consuming more vegetables! It seems that by building up a habit to eat more vegetables, we can manipulate our bodies to even crave it and to perhaps like something that we didn't like or prefer before.
Now... moving onto relationships, which is what I generally think about when it comes to self-improvement... Couldn't we say that we can train ourselves to develop habits that are more healthy for us when it comes to finding positive relationships, maintaining healthy relationships, and letting go of bad and unhealthy relationships?
I recently watched the movie "The Secret" which is a self-help documentary about optimist thinking within the principle of the laws of attraction. In other words, whatever energy you put into the world you get back. If you are constantly thinking negative thoughts, the universe will give it back to you -- not because you are asking for it, but because you are simply surrounded in that kind of energy and it will therefore be reflected back to you. Similarly, if you are a perpetual optimist and give off such an energy, the universe will also give that kind of energy back to you. I'm not fully sure if I am a true believer of "The Secret" -- but I won't reject it either because I definitely want to be surrounded by positive energy!
Anyway, I begin to think about "The Secret" and about the habits that we develop (both good and bad). I began to integrate these two ideas to think about how empowering it is that we, as humans can have some power over what it is we crave, habitually act on, and send out to the universe. I can create and foster positive things to crave, positive habits that will make me happier and healthier, and I can send it out to the universe, to myself but also others so that we can continue to surround ourselves with what is best for us.
At this point in my life (and certainly over the past few years), I have had my share of unhealthy relationships and therefore I have been constantly thinking about relationships, love, and abandonment. I am immersed in it both when I am IN the relationship as well as when I think about it afterwards. Meanwhile, all of the other areas of my life have been neglected because of the energy I've invested being in/obsessing about/dealing with people who are unhealthy for me and who have not been good partners to me. Without knowing that I have had power over my thinking, my habits, my energy, I have CHOSEN to focus on other people and I have let go of thinking about what is best for me. Once passionate about my career, I have since been on autopilot, doing as less work as I can to get through the day. I have CHOSEN to de-prioritize the people who are there for me unconditionally and focused instead on the few that have not loved me in the way that I wanted or deserved. Unintentionally so, I have also CHOSEN to be less grateful each day when I open my eyes and think about loss and heartache rather than appreciate all that I have in my life, and to count my blessings instead. These are the choices I make, the habits I create, the energy I surround myself with -- and they are decisions that I have made irrespective of the partner I am with. Of course, I can't take all of this responsibility and I do attribute it to the partners that I have been with because they are certainly problematic in the equation as well. But what I do know now (I learned it the hard way) is that I can't change other people and I can't change their habits or their energy either.
All I can do is focus on mine.
So I write this entry with an intention to pledge to be more aware of what I choose for myself. What energy do I want to put out into the universe today? What habit would I like to develop that is good for me? How can I foster more positive energy and habits so that over time, I can grow to crave them like I can crave vegetables later by eating more now?
For starters, I want to think less about the needs of other people and to focus more on myself. I have pushed my own career on the wayside and I want to find that same passion again that I used to -- before boyfriends came into the picture, and before I focused more on their careers and their long-term plans instead of mine.
I also want to create more space in my life to implement quality family time. Watching TV with family just doesn't/shouldn't cut it any longer. I want to have more in-depth, meaningful talks with them to hear about their thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires. I want our time together to be significant and I want to transfer that same amount of energy that I used to give to ONE person, to others as well.
I want to feel healthy, inside and out, so I want to be able to move my body in the same way that I am trying to flex my emotions these days and express them to myself and to others. Whether it is a 30 minute walk/run or some other form of activity, I want to be able to do something positive for my body -- a place that I have resided in since birth, and that I will continue to live in for the rest of my life! Meanwhile, I will also continue to journal so that I become more familiar and more comfortable with having raw feelings and acknowledging that they exist and have legitimacy. I want to be grow to feel more comfortable with being vulnerable and letting others know that I have needs too.
That's all I can think of for now, but I have a feeling my list will continue to grow. I feel empowered about this and I feel a bit brilliant for integrating 2 schools of thought based on one simple health tip to eat more vegetables. This little tidbit of knowledge really expanded my thinking today and now I have a wonderful recipe for finding self-empowerment in all areas of my life. How liberating it is know that WE CAN CHANGE OUR OWN HABIT AND ENERGY TO CRAVE MORE OF WHATEVER IT IS THAT WE WANT FOR OURSELVES IN THE FUTURE!
Ah, I'm proud of myself for that. Here's a pat on the back! :)
"Eat vegetables every chance you get, whenever you get the urge. The more you eat them, the more you will learn to appreciate them and even crave them"
Sounds easy enough, right? But while I was driving to family reunion/gathering tonight, I found myself looking at all of the different restaurants in the city and thinking more and more about this health tip as being just the tip of an iceberg. There is so much to be learned from that tip than to eat more veggies. What I began to think about was that human nature, although raw and instinctual, can be something that is manipulated, shaped, and organized designed for optimal health and well-being. That is, we can train ourselves to like things that we normally wouldn't. We can intentionally develop habits that did not exist before.
Take for example, exercise. Health and fitness experts typically work out daily not because they feel pressured to do so, but because they describe being "addicted to it" once they have get into the routine of doing it for awhile. So, apparently, and I can attest to this too, exercise is something you can train your body to like so that it becomes a part of your day-to-day lifestyle, and perhaps even habit (if you have the self-discipline to build it into a habit over time). And now, thinking about the tip from Bethenny Frankel, I guess the same goes for consuming more vegetables! It seems that by building up a habit to eat more vegetables, we can manipulate our bodies to even crave it and to perhaps like something that we didn't like or prefer before.
Now... moving onto relationships, which is what I generally think about when it comes to self-improvement... Couldn't we say that we can train ourselves to develop habits that are more healthy for us when it comes to finding positive relationships, maintaining healthy relationships, and letting go of bad and unhealthy relationships?
I recently watched the movie "The Secret" which is a self-help documentary about optimist thinking within the principle of the laws of attraction. In other words, whatever energy you put into the world you get back. If you are constantly thinking negative thoughts, the universe will give it back to you -- not because you are asking for it, but because you are simply surrounded in that kind of energy and it will therefore be reflected back to you. Similarly, if you are a perpetual optimist and give off such an energy, the universe will also give that kind of energy back to you. I'm not fully sure if I am a true believer of "The Secret" -- but I won't reject it either because I definitely want to be surrounded by positive energy!
Anyway, I begin to think about "The Secret" and about the habits that we develop (both good and bad). I began to integrate these two ideas to think about how empowering it is that we, as humans can have some power over what it is we crave, habitually act on, and send out to the universe. I can create and foster positive things to crave, positive habits that will make me happier and healthier, and I can send it out to the universe, to myself but also others so that we can continue to surround ourselves with what is best for us.
At this point in my life (and certainly over the past few years), I have had my share of unhealthy relationships and therefore I have been constantly thinking about relationships, love, and abandonment. I am immersed in it both when I am IN the relationship as well as when I think about it afterwards. Meanwhile, all of the other areas of my life have been neglected because of the energy I've invested being in/obsessing about/dealing with people who are unhealthy for me and who have not been good partners to me. Without knowing that I have had power over my thinking, my habits, my energy, I have CHOSEN to focus on other people and I have let go of thinking about what is best for me. Once passionate about my career, I have since been on autopilot, doing as less work as I can to get through the day. I have CHOSEN to de-prioritize the people who are there for me unconditionally and focused instead on the few that have not loved me in the way that I wanted or deserved. Unintentionally so, I have also CHOSEN to be less grateful each day when I open my eyes and think about loss and heartache rather than appreciate all that I have in my life, and to count my blessings instead. These are the choices I make, the habits I create, the energy I surround myself with -- and they are decisions that I have made irrespective of the partner I am with. Of course, I can't take all of this responsibility and I do attribute it to the partners that I have been with because they are certainly problematic in the equation as well. But what I do know now (I learned it the hard way) is that I can't change other people and I can't change their habits or their energy either.
All I can do is focus on mine.
So I write this entry with an intention to pledge to be more aware of what I choose for myself. What energy do I want to put out into the universe today? What habit would I like to develop that is good for me? How can I foster more positive energy and habits so that over time, I can grow to crave them like I can crave vegetables later by eating more now?
For starters, I want to think less about the needs of other people and to focus more on myself. I have pushed my own career on the wayside and I want to find that same passion again that I used to -- before boyfriends came into the picture, and before I focused more on their careers and their long-term plans instead of mine.
I also want to create more space in my life to implement quality family time. Watching TV with family just doesn't/shouldn't cut it any longer. I want to have more in-depth, meaningful talks with them to hear about their thoughts, feelings, dreams, desires. I want our time together to be significant and I want to transfer that same amount of energy that I used to give to ONE person, to others as well.
I want to feel healthy, inside and out, so I want to be able to move my body in the same way that I am trying to flex my emotions these days and express them to myself and to others. Whether it is a 30 minute walk/run or some other form of activity, I want to be able to do something positive for my body -- a place that I have resided in since birth, and that I will continue to live in for the rest of my life! Meanwhile, I will also continue to journal so that I become more familiar and more comfortable with having raw feelings and acknowledging that they exist and have legitimacy. I want to be grow to feel more comfortable with being vulnerable and letting others know that I have needs too.
That's all I can think of for now, but I have a feeling my list will continue to grow. I feel empowered about this and I feel a bit brilliant for integrating 2 schools of thought based on one simple health tip to eat more vegetables. This little tidbit of knowledge really expanded my thinking today and now I have a wonderful recipe for finding self-empowerment in all areas of my life. How liberating it is know that WE CAN CHANGE OUR OWN HABIT AND ENERGY TO CRAVE MORE OF WHATEVER IT IS THAT WE WANT FOR OURSELVES IN THE FUTURE!
Ah, I'm proud of myself for that. Here's a pat on the back! :)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Journaling
I dedicate this entry to my journals and to journal-writing! I don't think I give my journal enough credit for the therapy that it has offered me.
Although I've always been a journal-writer, even as a child, I have realized this year that I was never as honest in my writing as I could have been. There is something very formal and deliberate about writing down your thoughts and feelings as opposed to simply thinking them abstractly and then letting it fly away as a fleeting thought and moving onwards.
Particularly when it comes to negative feelings, I don't think I've ever actually written down my feelings for what they really were: the raw, naked, vulnerable core feelings that I actually felt. Who wants to write about it to leave evidence that these feelings actually existed and that I had to feel it and deal with it? Besides, I had always envisioned my future self finding my journals and being able to read and be transported into a younger time period to to be immersed in the positive memories that I have. For the sake of my future self, I did not want to have the me uncover journal from the past, open it, and read about how lonely, isolated, abandoned, fearful it was back then. I wanted only positive memories and if I couldn't have it, then I wrote about negative events as what they were: events, situations, circumstances that were factual and neutral. Negative feelings didn't hold as much of a place in my journal. Perhaps only briefly, and even then, it was experienced as anger or frustration and not the most deep, raw feelings we have as human beings. The ultimate fears we have about being unlikeable, unloveable, unworthy, unable to offer anything of value. Oh no, I don't think I ever wrote about that.
This year, I purposely went out to buy a journal to write about my negative feelings and about all the things that I didn't want to and never wrote about in my usual, aquamarine journal. I chose a design that was in total contrast to what I already have: a black tree with growing branches amidst bright yet dark pink sky. It was meaningful for me to choose such strong and sharp colors -- they represent my feelings so well. And the tree is also incredibly significant for me as well -- it indicates growth, life, history, the past, present, and future, and it being black felt good too. Dark and ominous in some way, yet liberating because when all is still and all is dark, that is when you can feel the extremity of seeing the light and having hope.
So now that I have two journals instead of one, I feel I can be more honest with myself. I don't want to "taint" my aquamarine, calm, tranquil-looking journal that I use to write about day-to-day or month-to-month significant activities and feelings. I can maintain it as my "overall journal"-- and meanwhile, I can give my intense, negative, emotional, sharp feelings a home as well, so that I can put it somewhere and I can acknowledge in my own way, that these feelings are real and that they are legitimate and worthy of being processed.
I can't begin to tell you that the therapeutic effects of having my pink journal have been astounding! It is so wonderful to write about my angst and my pain and to not worry about it overshadowing my life via my journal. It is such a relief to have a place for negative feelings, and to NOT have to store it secretly within me while also feeling the ambivalence of wanting to express it and get it out. Unexpectedly, it has also been incredibly validating to read some of my past journal entries and to cry for myself, and to emphathize for myself the strong feelings/experiences I have had. I have been able to develop a compassion for myself through this process, and to be my own listener and cheerleader and devil's advocate at any time that I need those roles in my life. Shortly thereafter, I also started this blog in the hopes of helping others to have a space to read, write, comment, and to share some sense of universality when it comes to such self-reflection.
Going back to my dedication for journal writing.... I encourage everyone to write!
Write your deepest and darkest feelings whenever and if ever you want! And do it in a journal of your choice. Just write and don't worry about who might read it, who might accidentally see it, what someone may think of you should they stumble upon it. For so long, I was terrified that someone might see my journal, especially a family member, and that they would realize how weak, scared, insecure, shameful I really feel.
So what I did to alleviate this fear was I skipped some of the first pages when I started writing my first page. I wrote quite anonymously and didn't sign my name like I usually would in my other journals. I used acronyms to write about some of my feelings, and I replaced full names with initials, instead. Over time, I began to feel more comfortable with writing and was eventually able to open the journal to the first page and write an entry for an accidental reader.
In it, I wrote a short blurb. It said:
"CAUTION! PLEASE STOP READING AHEAD! The contents of this journal are absolutely private and if you have any respect, love, empathy for someone who has experienced pain and angst and is needing a space to feel safe to express it, then please do not proceed ahead. You will never be able to know how meaningful it is to have such a space and I have only gratitude and appreciation for your self-discipline to stop reading here. Thank you."
Although I've always been a journal-writer, even as a child, I have realized this year that I was never as honest in my writing as I could have been. There is something very formal and deliberate about writing down your thoughts and feelings as opposed to simply thinking them abstractly and then letting it fly away as a fleeting thought and moving onwards.
Particularly when it comes to negative feelings, I don't think I've ever actually written down my feelings for what they really were: the raw, naked, vulnerable core feelings that I actually felt. Who wants to write about it to leave evidence that these feelings actually existed and that I had to feel it and deal with it? Besides, I had always envisioned my future self finding my journals and being able to read and be transported into a younger time period to to be immersed in the positive memories that I have. For the sake of my future self, I did not want to have the me uncover journal from the past, open it, and read about how lonely, isolated, abandoned, fearful it was back then. I wanted only positive memories and if I couldn't have it, then I wrote about negative events as what they were: events, situations, circumstances that were factual and neutral. Negative feelings didn't hold as much of a place in my journal. Perhaps only briefly, and even then, it was experienced as anger or frustration and not the most deep, raw feelings we have as human beings. The ultimate fears we have about being unlikeable, unloveable, unworthy, unable to offer anything of value. Oh no, I don't think I ever wrote about that.
This year, I purposely went out to buy a journal to write about my negative feelings and about all the things that I didn't want to and never wrote about in my usual, aquamarine journal. I chose a design that was in total contrast to what I already have: a black tree with growing branches amidst bright yet dark pink sky. It was meaningful for me to choose such strong and sharp colors -- they represent my feelings so well. And the tree is also incredibly significant for me as well -- it indicates growth, life, history, the past, present, and future, and it being black felt good too. Dark and ominous in some way, yet liberating because when all is still and all is dark, that is when you can feel the extremity of seeing the light and having hope.
So now that I have two journals instead of one, I feel I can be more honest with myself. I don't want to "taint" my aquamarine, calm, tranquil-looking journal that I use to write about day-to-day or month-to-month significant activities and feelings. I can maintain it as my "overall journal"-- and meanwhile, I can give my intense, negative, emotional, sharp feelings a home as well, so that I can put it somewhere and I can acknowledge in my own way, that these feelings are real and that they are legitimate and worthy of being processed.
I can't begin to tell you that the therapeutic effects of having my pink journal have been astounding! It is so wonderful to write about my angst and my pain and to not worry about it overshadowing my life via my journal. It is such a relief to have a place for negative feelings, and to NOT have to store it secretly within me while also feeling the ambivalence of wanting to express it and get it out. Unexpectedly, it has also been incredibly validating to read some of my past journal entries and to cry for myself, and to emphathize for myself the strong feelings/experiences I have had. I have been able to develop a compassion for myself through this process, and to be my own listener and cheerleader and devil's advocate at any time that I need those roles in my life. Shortly thereafter, I also started this blog in the hopes of helping others to have a space to read, write, comment, and to share some sense of universality when it comes to such self-reflection.
Going back to my dedication for journal writing.... I encourage everyone to write!
Write your deepest and darkest feelings whenever and if ever you want! And do it in a journal of your choice. Just write and don't worry about who might read it, who might accidentally see it, what someone may think of you should they stumble upon it. For so long, I was terrified that someone might see my journal, especially a family member, and that they would realize how weak, scared, insecure, shameful I really feel.
So what I did to alleviate this fear was I skipped some of the first pages when I started writing my first page. I wrote quite anonymously and didn't sign my name like I usually would in my other journals. I used acronyms to write about some of my feelings, and I replaced full names with initials, instead. Over time, I began to feel more comfortable with writing and was eventually able to open the journal to the first page and write an entry for an accidental reader.
In it, I wrote a short blurb. It said:
"CAUTION! PLEASE STOP READING AHEAD! The contents of this journal are absolutely private and if you have any respect, love, empathy for someone who has experienced pain and angst and is needing a space to feel safe to express it, then please do not proceed ahead. You will never be able to know how meaningful it is to have such a space and I have only gratitude and appreciation for your self-discipline to stop reading here. Thank you."
Uncovering my greatest fear
I was triggered earlier tonight by a situation that happened between a couple in my family: my grandparents. Having gone out with the rest of the family for an event, we had thought that my grandparents would stay in for the night. For some reason, however, my grandmother, who is 80 years old, left the house and rode her bike to who-knew-where and was gone for hours on end from about 6-9pm. My grandfather, who is 10 years older and therefore 90 years old, woke up from his late afternoon nap as usual and waited for her. And he waited and he waited and he waited... and proceeded to freak out as the clock ticked on by.
About 2 years ago, a similar situation had happened when my grandmother went out to buy the newspaper. She had ridden her bicycle to the nearby shop and on the way there, she was hit by a motorcyclist-- a drive-and-run-- and she ended up with a concussion and multiple fractures. Pedestrians walking by saw her laying on the ground and were quick to call the ambulance and to get her the help she needed. My grandfather had been waiting for her at home and alerted via phone by the police. This incident happened only two years ago and it was a miracle that she survived and that she continues to have her health even after such an accident.
So, tonight, my grandpa called me. Not only, not twice, but three times over the course of the 3 hours. He was scared, anxious, and I'm sure lonely, too, when he asked to see if we knew where grandma was. He was so fearful of another accident like the one two years ago, and the panic in his voice was clear. He also hadn't eaten dinner and when I asked if he was hungry, he sounded like a lost little boy wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. Grandma usually never leaves the house during mealtime and if she did, she would always leave the meal out on the table so that grandpa would eat without her. This time, there was only bread and some snacks on the table. So the only deduction was that she would be returning soon and that he should not panic, but rather patiently wait and perhaps relax and watch TV. I would have rushed home in a second, but the reason we were out was because of an important social event that was mandatory. Nevertheless, I could barely sit still throughout, and as the time passed, the panic in grandpa's voice grew stronger each time and it was harder to explain to him that no news is good news, because accidents mean that someone/some institution, whether it is the police or the hospital, contacts the family. Eventually, I called my uncle, who fortunately, was nearby and able to head straight to the house to placate grandpa and to spend time with him. Shortly thereafter, grandma returned home and they called to let me know that all was well.
This short story (which lasted only about 3 hours) has a good ending. Still, I have to confess that the process nearly drove me crazy and it was all I could do not to hail a cab to go straight home to see grandpa. It was all I could do not to call every single one of grandma's friends to ask her, "Hey, is my grandma with you? Do you know where she is? Why isn't she home yet?" I did, by the way. I called as many friends as I knew of hers, but not all. And naturally, that was where she was anyway. She had stopped by a friend's house and ended up staying longer than she thought. She left bread for grandpa for dinner, but honestly, it really seems to be a snack for us, considering the excellent chef that she is.
Anyways, my point to this story is that I get it.
I SO understand what my grandpa was feeling during those arduous 3 hours of waiting and not knowing what was happening to grandma.
I can fully relate to the anxiety of wondering where your loved one is when you can't reach them. Did they die in an accident? Are they hurt and perhaps unable to get the help that is needed to get better or to return home? Are they in pain, whether it is physical or emotional, and are they scared? Where are they? What are they doing? Why can't I reach them? Why don't they respond to me trying to find them? What if I can't never reach them again? Ah, these questions. They are so familiar to me, and this situation is what I have always struggled with when it comes to my loved ones, may it be my mom or any of the boyfriends I have had.
Throughout my life history, when I have not been able to immediately find the person that I am looking for (usually my mom when I was little and in my adult life, my romantic partner), I skyrocket straight into panic mode. I blast-off into catastrophic thoughts like "Oh my gosh, s/he is dead. I just know it. S/he got hit by a car. Or was robbed at gunpoint. Or drove into a pole. Or some other calamity." I envision not knowing when the moment happened that they left and I became abandoned. My heart accelerates exponentially. My breath gets caught and I feel like I am running out of air, and I quite literally feel as though an ulcer is growing within me, first from my stomach and then expanding into my limbs. Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just panic and need to either pace around or to talk to someone. Fast. I think about all the things I wish I could say to them and all the things I haven't yet said. I think about good memories with them and miss them. I also think about bad memories with them and regret when I have been upset or angry with them and not appreciated them for even being in my life.
Then I jump into another mode. This one even scarier. I think to myself, "Maybe s/he is not injured or dead. It is possible that s/he has not left this earth and left me alone in this world. Maybe s/he just doesn't want to talk to me." Now this is a much worse thought because then I plummet into whirlwind of crazy thoughts centered around not being wanted. I fantasize scenarios in which they choose to call someone else other than me. Or they are cheating/choosing to be with someone else other than me. I envision that they may have schemed behind my back to leave me and are not enacting their plan. I imagine a scene with such vividness that I think it's real, that they pick up the phone, see that I'm calling and purposely choose not to pick up. This scenario is perhaps the worst of all, even more painful to imagine than them dying or being injured, because this is strategic, intentional abandonment as opposed to unexpected, sudden, out of control abandonment due to outside forces rather than between us.
So, yes, it is so familiar to me to know what panic feels like when I talked to my grandpa and heard in his voice, the helpless and anxious feelings that he has when he was unable to reach my grandma. The situation felt even more intense for me considering my grandpa is 90 years old and fully dependent on my grandmother for everything. For his 3 meals/day, for his mobility because he needs his wheelchair and cane, for any and every practical day-to-day as well as long-term issue such as where are there social security cards and where are their passports kind of questions, and also because they have been each other's companions for the past 60+ years. My attachment to anyone is significantly lesser than theirs, and yet, I can vouch that for me, no torture is greater than the anxiety that I feel when I am unable to reach my attachment figure.
Sometimes I have these moments when I think about my ex-boyfriend. I have felt this after every break-up and even beforehand too. My fear rises from my lower abdomen and simply suffocates me from within. At least by being a country away from B right now, I am able to distance my emotions when I think about him and not being able to know where he is/ what he's doing/ how he's doing. Unrealistically, I think all the time about whether he's alive or not. I wonder if something has happened to him since we last saw each other/talked. I think about the possibility that he may be injured or hurt and hope that he doesn't ever feel lonely or sad or turn to negative forms of coping to bring himself lower. I wonder secretly to himself, whether he needs me and I also throw out the likelihood that he may have already easily replaced me with someone else and is living happily ever after without me.
Tonight, when I experienced that panic vicariously through my grandpa, I realized that I have always been like this, with every partner in every relationship, and with an equal intensity of pain and angst. It's no them, it's me. It's not that they are so special that I fear losing them. And none of them have ever been in any real danger of hurt/harm anyways. It's me. It's my fear of losing someone significant to me, and of being replaced by or skipped over because of someone else. I fear that when I lose the people that I love, that it's because they CHOOSE to leave me. They choose to leave me for someone better and they choose to leave me for a world (heaven?) that's better. Again, it routes back to this feeling of feeling unworthy of love, perhaps? Of being not enough for them and insufficient so that they would want to choose something/someone that is better than me. Because I'm not good enough for them to stay with or to live with.
It is quite liberating to recognize that my fears of abandonment are MINE. Regardless of the partner that I have, my fear of abandonment has always been consistent, and therefore, totally unrelated to any specific person other than myself. Knowing this is empowering. Realizing this allows me to know that I have not yet met someone who is SOOO special that losing him really is the end of the world for me. Heck, if I were rational enough, I would be able to say that even if I did lose the love of my life, the world still should not end for me and that I still should/must be able to go on. Anyway, I digress.
My point is that my fear is mine, and therefore no one can ever give it to me, nor take it away from me. The only person that can help me to stop living in fear, panic, and anxiety when I cannot reached a loved one, is... well, me. Only I can fix myself and only I can find a solution for my heartaches, heart pains, and heart angsts.
This is all very hopeful for me, don't you think?
About 2 years ago, a similar situation had happened when my grandmother went out to buy the newspaper. She had ridden her bicycle to the nearby shop and on the way there, she was hit by a motorcyclist-- a drive-and-run-- and she ended up with a concussion and multiple fractures. Pedestrians walking by saw her laying on the ground and were quick to call the ambulance and to get her the help she needed. My grandfather had been waiting for her at home and alerted via phone by the police. This incident happened only two years ago and it was a miracle that she survived and that she continues to have her health even after such an accident.
So, tonight, my grandpa called me. Not only, not twice, but three times over the course of the 3 hours. He was scared, anxious, and I'm sure lonely, too, when he asked to see if we knew where grandma was. He was so fearful of another accident like the one two years ago, and the panic in his voice was clear. He also hadn't eaten dinner and when I asked if he was hungry, he sounded like a lost little boy wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. Grandma usually never leaves the house during mealtime and if she did, she would always leave the meal out on the table so that grandpa would eat without her. This time, there was only bread and some snacks on the table. So the only deduction was that she would be returning soon and that he should not panic, but rather patiently wait and perhaps relax and watch TV. I would have rushed home in a second, but the reason we were out was because of an important social event that was mandatory. Nevertheless, I could barely sit still throughout, and as the time passed, the panic in grandpa's voice grew stronger each time and it was harder to explain to him that no news is good news, because accidents mean that someone/some institution, whether it is the police or the hospital, contacts the family. Eventually, I called my uncle, who fortunately, was nearby and able to head straight to the house to placate grandpa and to spend time with him. Shortly thereafter, grandma returned home and they called to let me know that all was well.
This short story (which lasted only about 3 hours) has a good ending. Still, I have to confess that the process nearly drove me crazy and it was all I could do not to hail a cab to go straight home to see grandpa. It was all I could do not to call every single one of grandma's friends to ask her, "Hey, is my grandma with you? Do you know where she is? Why isn't she home yet?" I did, by the way. I called as many friends as I knew of hers, but not all. And naturally, that was where she was anyway. She had stopped by a friend's house and ended up staying longer than she thought. She left bread for grandpa for dinner, but honestly, it really seems to be a snack for us, considering the excellent chef that she is.
Anyways, my point to this story is that I get it.
I SO understand what my grandpa was feeling during those arduous 3 hours of waiting and not knowing what was happening to grandma.
I can fully relate to the anxiety of wondering where your loved one is when you can't reach them. Did they die in an accident? Are they hurt and perhaps unable to get the help that is needed to get better or to return home? Are they in pain, whether it is physical or emotional, and are they scared? Where are they? What are they doing? Why can't I reach them? Why don't they respond to me trying to find them? What if I can't never reach them again? Ah, these questions. They are so familiar to me, and this situation is what I have always struggled with when it comes to my loved ones, may it be my mom or any of the boyfriends I have had.
Throughout my life history, when I have not been able to immediately find the person that I am looking for (usually my mom when I was little and in my adult life, my romantic partner), I skyrocket straight into panic mode. I blast-off into catastrophic thoughts like "Oh my gosh, s/he is dead. I just know it. S/he got hit by a car. Or was robbed at gunpoint. Or drove into a pole. Or some other calamity." I envision not knowing when the moment happened that they left and I became abandoned. My heart accelerates exponentially. My breath gets caught and I feel like I am running out of air, and I quite literally feel as though an ulcer is growing within me, first from my stomach and then expanding into my limbs. Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just panic and need to either pace around or to talk to someone. Fast. I think about all the things I wish I could say to them and all the things I haven't yet said. I think about good memories with them and miss them. I also think about bad memories with them and regret when I have been upset or angry with them and not appreciated them for even being in my life.
Then I jump into another mode. This one even scarier. I think to myself, "Maybe s/he is not injured or dead. It is possible that s/he has not left this earth and left me alone in this world. Maybe s/he just doesn't want to talk to me." Now this is a much worse thought because then I plummet into whirlwind of crazy thoughts centered around not being wanted. I fantasize scenarios in which they choose to call someone else other than me. Or they are cheating/choosing to be with someone else other than me. I envision that they may have schemed behind my back to leave me and are not enacting their plan. I imagine a scene with such vividness that I think it's real, that they pick up the phone, see that I'm calling and purposely choose not to pick up. This scenario is perhaps the worst of all, even more painful to imagine than them dying or being injured, because this is strategic, intentional abandonment as opposed to unexpected, sudden, out of control abandonment due to outside forces rather than between us.
So, yes, it is so familiar to me to know what panic feels like when I talked to my grandpa and heard in his voice, the helpless and anxious feelings that he has when he was unable to reach my grandma. The situation felt even more intense for me considering my grandpa is 90 years old and fully dependent on my grandmother for everything. For his 3 meals/day, for his mobility because he needs his wheelchair and cane, for any and every practical day-to-day as well as long-term issue such as where are there social security cards and where are their passports kind of questions, and also because they have been each other's companions for the past 60+ years. My attachment to anyone is significantly lesser than theirs, and yet, I can vouch that for me, no torture is greater than the anxiety that I feel when I am unable to reach my attachment figure.
Sometimes I have these moments when I think about my ex-boyfriend. I have felt this after every break-up and even beforehand too. My fear rises from my lower abdomen and simply suffocates me from within. At least by being a country away from B right now, I am able to distance my emotions when I think about him and not being able to know where he is/ what he's doing/ how he's doing. Unrealistically, I think all the time about whether he's alive or not. I wonder if something has happened to him since we last saw each other/talked. I think about the possibility that he may be injured or hurt and hope that he doesn't ever feel lonely or sad or turn to negative forms of coping to bring himself lower. I wonder secretly to himself, whether he needs me and I also throw out the likelihood that he may have already easily replaced me with someone else and is living happily ever after without me.
Tonight, when I experienced that panic vicariously through my grandpa, I realized that I have always been like this, with every partner in every relationship, and with an equal intensity of pain and angst. It's no them, it's me. It's not that they are so special that I fear losing them. And none of them have ever been in any real danger of hurt/harm anyways. It's me. It's my fear of losing someone significant to me, and of being replaced by or skipped over because of someone else. I fear that when I lose the people that I love, that it's because they CHOOSE to leave me. They choose to leave me for someone better and they choose to leave me for a world (heaven?) that's better. Again, it routes back to this feeling of feeling unworthy of love, perhaps? Of being not enough for them and insufficient so that they would want to choose something/someone that is better than me. Because I'm not good enough for them to stay with or to live with.
It is quite liberating to recognize that my fears of abandonment are MINE. Regardless of the partner that I have, my fear of abandonment has always been consistent, and therefore, totally unrelated to any specific person other than myself. Knowing this is empowering. Realizing this allows me to know that I have not yet met someone who is SOOO special that losing him really is the end of the world for me. Heck, if I were rational enough, I would be able to say that even if I did lose the love of my life, the world still should not end for me and that I still should/must be able to go on. Anyway, I digress.
My point is that my fear is mine, and therefore no one can ever give it to me, nor take it away from me. The only person that can help me to stop living in fear, panic, and anxiety when I cannot reached a loved one, is... well, me. Only I can fix myself and only I can find a solution for my heartaches, heart pains, and heart angsts.
This is all very hopeful for me, don't you think?
Love will conquer all... actually, just you. Love will conquer you.
Hollywood has messed me up big-time.
Take a movie like "Knocked Up" for example. If you don't know the story, the short summary is that a beautiful, accomplished, hard-working, no-nonsense girl gets "knocked up" by a stereotypically fat, basically-unemployed, lazy, pot-smoking guy over a one-night stand. Being that this is a romantic comedy, the guy obviously tries to do the "right thing" by sticking around for the pregnancy through-and-through. And along the way, he cleans himself up, becomes a grown-up rather than a little boy, and proves that ultimately he is the prince charming that she hadn't even noticed was under her nose all along. Obviously, they live happily ever after and you know that they eventually become the happy and traditional 3-member nuclear family with mom and dad in love raising their baby not out of wedlock but in a love-filled marriage and relationship.
UGH.
I mean, seriously, ugh! With a storyline like this, it's no wonder I am such a loyal follower and subscriber of the philosophy that love will make the world go around. Or that love conquers all, saves all, brings peace and joy to all!
But what happens when your partner is simply incompatible for you? Unhealthy for you? Heck, perhaps even abusive in some way? Does love conquer all, then?
For me, the answer has always been yes. Heck yes! And if that partner seems deficient in some way and in need of rehabilitation of some form, then even more so! Yes to the infinite and more! So I give and give and give. I offer unconditional love and throw in my complete self, my self-worth, my essence, by entire being to the relationship and to him! I develop tunnel vision specifically for my relationship, or more specifically, for him, and invest every bit of my energy into helping him into the better/best man that he can be, and I hold ever so faithfully to the ideology of love, my love, being able to conquer all.
Conquer what, you say? What actually stands in the way, you might wonder? Funnily enough, having done some deep reflections over the past year, I've realized that when I say "all", I mean to say "you: my partner". My love will change you. My love MUST change you. Because look, in movies like "knocked up" and other romantic comedies that have happy endings, the losers change themselves to be with the amazing person. The "weaker" partner strives to become better because of their other half, and whatever was deficient or in need of rehabilitation is improved (if not skyrocketed to perfection).
.... and all in the name of love.
So when a partner of mine hasn't changed, I have always thought I didn't work hard enough. Didn't love unconditionally enough. Whatever I did just wasn't enough, or else my love should have inspired him to be better. To change. That is, if our love was strong enough, if I loved him enough for him to love me back, then he would work to improve himself so that he could change his cheating ways for me. Or.... give up smoking for me. For us. Give up drinking for us. Get on antidepressants for us. Be more grateful for all that he has because of us. And the list goes on...
How silly of me. Throughout all of these years and with all of my guys... I always clung onto the same philosophy that if I loved just a little more unconditionally, then they would love be back in return and they would start to change so that we could be happy together. So that I could be happy. I never really imagined meeting someone who would automatically be Prince Charming. Nor did I think that when NONE of my ex-boyfriends were Prince Charming, that I should just accept it for what it was, and move on. Oh, no. Because I'm not a quitter and because I always see a flicker of hope in every situation. So what if he's been a lifelong drug addict who has had violent tendencies in the past and a value system that is practically 100% different from mine? We have one or two things in common, so heck, why not build from that and see what happens? And so it begins... my journey, my project, my quest to use my love to change the other person.
And as you know, I fail every single time and I always end up confirming my secret fear that I am unlovable, that I am unworthy of being loved, that my best isn't my best and that I am simply not good enough. I reason that if any those things were untrue, then my partner-- who usually IS unhealthy in some way-- would have changed for me because I already gave up everything for him. Along with my love, he has complete power and control over my sense of self-worth, my day-to-day emotional well-being, my sense of identity! If his day is going badly, then I am having a bad day too-- even if I got a promotion that day, or if I had a wonderful day, myself.
All this goes back to the title of my blog-- it's not just romantic relationships I need to work on, but my relationship with myself. Why do I give so much power, influence, and control to others? Why am I unable to have my own sense of purpose outside of relationships and feeling like I am loved and accepted by someone? As hard as it is to grapple with such a salient, and likely life-long issue to work on, Hollywood movies like the one I wrote about at the beginning of this entry contribute to unhealthy expectations about love, change, and compatibility.
A note to myself for future reference: Trust your initial instincts when meeting a romantic interest. Usually, you are a great judge of character and have obviously surrounded yourself very well with healthy, loving, friends. With a prospective romantic partner, trust your gut feeling when you meet/interact with him and try to let-go of the belief that he deserves just one more date to make a better impression. If you saw red flags on the 1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date, heck, 4th date, you already gave him more than enough chances to be the person that is right for you. Don't cling onto what may be... or the potential of who he may become... What will inevitably happen is that once you're in a committed relationship with this person, you will change yourself to adapt to his red flags, while simultaneously trying to change him into someone he is not (albeit better, but ultimately, it is not who he is, and not what your sole purpose should be in a relationship). Remember this, please.
Take a movie like "Knocked Up" for example. If you don't know the story, the short summary is that a beautiful, accomplished, hard-working, no-nonsense girl gets "knocked up" by a stereotypically fat, basically-unemployed, lazy, pot-smoking guy over a one-night stand. Being that this is a romantic comedy, the guy obviously tries to do the "right thing" by sticking around for the pregnancy through-and-through. And along the way, he cleans himself up, becomes a grown-up rather than a little boy, and proves that ultimately he is the prince charming that she hadn't even noticed was under her nose all along. Obviously, they live happily ever after and you know that they eventually become the happy and traditional 3-member nuclear family with mom and dad in love raising their baby not out of wedlock but in a love-filled marriage and relationship.
UGH.
I mean, seriously, ugh! With a storyline like this, it's no wonder I am such a loyal follower and subscriber of the philosophy that love will make the world go around. Or that love conquers all, saves all, brings peace and joy to all!
But what happens when your partner is simply incompatible for you? Unhealthy for you? Heck, perhaps even abusive in some way? Does love conquer all, then?
For me, the answer has always been yes. Heck yes! And if that partner seems deficient in some way and in need of rehabilitation of some form, then even more so! Yes to the infinite and more! So I give and give and give. I offer unconditional love and throw in my complete self, my self-worth, my essence, by entire being to the relationship and to him! I develop tunnel vision specifically for my relationship, or more specifically, for him, and invest every bit of my energy into helping him into the better/best man that he can be, and I hold ever so faithfully to the ideology of love, my love, being able to conquer all.
Conquer what, you say? What actually stands in the way, you might wonder? Funnily enough, having done some deep reflections over the past year, I've realized that when I say "all", I mean to say "you: my partner". My love will change you. My love MUST change you. Because look, in movies like "knocked up" and other romantic comedies that have happy endings, the losers change themselves to be with the amazing person. The "weaker" partner strives to become better because of their other half, and whatever was deficient or in need of rehabilitation is improved (if not skyrocketed to perfection).
.... and all in the name of love.
So when a partner of mine hasn't changed, I have always thought I didn't work hard enough. Didn't love unconditionally enough. Whatever I did just wasn't enough, or else my love should have inspired him to be better. To change. That is, if our love was strong enough, if I loved him enough for him to love me back, then he would work to improve himself so that he could change his cheating ways for me. Or.... give up smoking for me. For us. Give up drinking for us. Get on antidepressants for us. Be more grateful for all that he has because of us. And the list goes on...
How silly of me. Throughout all of these years and with all of my guys... I always clung onto the same philosophy that if I loved just a little more unconditionally, then they would love be back in return and they would start to change so that we could be happy together. So that I could be happy. I never really imagined meeting someone who would automatically be Prince Charming. Nor did I think that when NONE of my ex-boyfriends were Prince Charming, that I should just accept it for what it was, and move on. Oh, no. Because I'm not a quitter and because I always see a flicker of hope in every situation. So what if he's been a lifelong drug addict who has had violent tendencies in the past and a value system that is practically 100% different from mine? We have one or two things in common, so heck, why not build from that and see what happens? And so it begins... my journey, my project, my quest to use my love to change the other person.
And as you know, I fail every single time and I always end up confirming my secret fear that I am unlovable, that I am unworthy of being loved, that my best isn't my best and that I am simply not good enough. I reason that if any those things were untrue, then my partner-- who usually IS unhealthy in some way-- would have changed for me because I already gave up everything for him. Along with my love, he has complete power and control over my sense of self-worth, my day-to-day emotional well-being, my sense of identity! If his day is going badly, then I am having a bad day too-- even if I got a promotion that day, or if I had a wonderful day, myself.
All this goes back to the title of my blog-- it's not just romantic relationships I need to work on, but my relationship with myself. Why do I give so much power, influence, and control to others? Why am I unable to have my own sense of purpose outside of relationships and feeling like I am loved and accepted by someone? As hard as it is to grapple with such a salient, and likely life-long issue to work on, Hollywood movies like the one I wrote about at the beginning of this entry contribute to unhealthy expectations about love, change, and compatibility.
A note to myself for future reference: Trust your initial instincts when meeting a romantic interest. Usually, you are a great judge of character and have obviously surrounded yourself very well with healthy, loving, friends. With a prospective romantic partner, trust your gut feeling when you meet/interact with him and try to let-go of the belief that he deserves just one more date to make a better impression. If you saw red flags on the 1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date, heck, 4th date, you already gave him more than enough chances to be the person that is right for you. Don't cling onto what may be... or the potential of who he may become... What will inevitably happen is that once you're in a committed relationship with this person, you will change yourself to adapt to his red flags, while simultaneously trying to change him into someone he is not (albeit better, but ultimately, it is not who he is, and not what your sole purpose should be in a relationship). Remember this, please.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Not all improvements are equal
Before leaving for my trip abroad, I sat down to dinner with a good friend of mine and got one of the best take-home messages ever. It was tough love, but I appreciated it and continue to remember it, even 10,000 miles away from home.
To begin, she was skeptical about my break-up and hesitant to believe that I could. Her disbelief was quite painful to hear. She was a bit cold and detached, and understandably so, considering how much pain she's seen me go through in that relationship. Her main message was clear: "Are you sure you're not going to get back together? I've seen you go in and out of this relationship several times, and even when things have been OK in your relationship, I've seen you ride a roller coaster of emotions because of him. What makes you so sure that this time, you're really leaving and he won't be able to manipulate his way back into your life?"
Her question hurt me because I had hoped for support, faith, and encouragement. I hadn't expected having to explain myself, but doing so led to more resolve within me to stick to my plan and to prove (not just to myself but also) to others that THIS IS IT! I'm leaving this time around because the straw has broken the camel's back!
My friend also pushed me one step further to question, "what if he changes? what if he improves himself and then comes back to you? what will you do then? why wouldn't you take him back? what would stop you from taking him back?" She talked about her life lessons from being in unhealthy relationships herself. And she cried. I cried. We cried. Basically, she emphasize to me that no matter how much change people make, the history of our relationship will always be there, and could I really truly be in a relationship with someone who has once made me feel the way that he has?
Strangely enough, I already knew what she was talking about because I did think I could overcome our history. I always thought that with unconditional love, then he would change for the better, not necessarily for me or for us, but for him too! I so strongly believed in his growth and change every single time I took him back. Every. single. time. No matter how unforgivable he was.
If I were to score him, I would say that when we broke up for the first time one year ago, his mistakes had been unforgivable and he was truly, utterly, undeniably an "F---" boyfriend. TRULY. Over time, I guess you can say he improved. When you go from being caught cheating in 2 different ways with 2 different people, I'm not sure how much lower you can go from being a failure of a boyfriend. You can only go up afterwards. So, in that sense, I suppose he did grow. From F- to D, from D to D+, and for this most recent break-up, I could rate him as a C--- because nothing could be as bad as what he's done in the past. But his decision making and his actions continue to be way below average. Let's see... texting another woman? Sharing intimate details about what he does on a day-to-day basis? Letting her believe that they have a special relationship? Not telling me that this person even exists, let alone is in communication with him? He's lucky I'm even considering that a C- because I can easily classify that in the F- category again. Nevertheless, he thinks he's changed and that his moral compass is much improved.
I beg to differ, and I realize now that not all change is equal. When it comes to matters of the heart, and all others matters to, actually, I try to give 100%. I strive to do A+ work and to work as hard as I can. And I have in this relationship! I deserve more than A and I have to stop settling for C-. I can't fall into his crazy belief that C- is so much better than F, and that he is so much more of a changed man. Cheating is cheating and that is an automatic fail. Remember that.
To begin, she was skeptical about my break-up and hesitant to believe that I could. Her disbelief was quite painful to hear. She was a bit cold and detached, and understandably so, considering how much pain she's seen me go through in that relationship. Her main message was clear: "Are you sure you're not going to get back together? I've seen you go in and out of this relationship several times, and even when things have been OK in your relationship, I've seen you ride a roller coaster of emotions because of him. What makes you so sure that this time, you're really leaving and he won't be able to manipulate his way back into your life?"
Her question hurt me because I had hoped for support, faith, and encouragement. I hadn't expected having to explain myself, but doing so led to more resolve within me to stick to my plan and to prove (not just to myself but also) to others that THIS IS IT! I'm leaving this time around because the straw has broken the camel's back!
My friend also pushed me one step further to question, "what if he changes? what if he improves himself and then comes back to you? what will you do then? why wouldn't you take him back? what would stop you from taking him back?" She talked about her life lessons from being in unhealthy relationships herself. And she cried. I cried. We cried. Basically, she emphasize to me that no matter how much change people make, the history of our relationship will always be there, and could I really truly be in a relationship with someone who has once made me feel the way that he has?
Strangely enough, I already knew what she was talking about because I did think I could overcome our history. I always thought that with unconditional love, then he would change for the better, not necessarily for me or for us, but for him too! I so strongly believed in his growth and change every single time I took him back. Every. single. time. No matter how unforgivable he was.
If I were to score him, I would say that when we broke up for the first time one year ago, his mistakes had been unforgivable and he was truly, utterly, undeniably an "F---" boyfriend. TRULY. Over time, I guess you can say he improved. When you go from being caught cheating in 2 different ways with 2 different people, I'm not sure how much lower you can go from being a failure of a boyfriend. You can only go up afterwards. So, in that sense, I suppose he did grow. From F- to D, from D to D+, and for this most recent break-up, I could rate him as a C--- because nothing could be as bad as what he's done in the past. But his decision making and his actions continue to be way below average. Let's see... texting another woman? Sharing intimate details about what he does on a day-to-day basis? Letting her believe that they have a special relationship? Not telling me that this person even exists, let alone is in communication with him? He's lucky I'm even considering that a C- because I can easily classify that in the F- category again. Nevertheless, he thinks he's changed and that his moral compass is much improved.
I beg to differ, and I realize now that not all change is equal. When it comes to matters of the heart, and all others matters to, actually, I try to give 100%. I strive to do A+ work and to work as hard as I can. And I have in this relationship! I deserve more than A and I have to stop settling for C-. I can't fall into his crazy belief that C- is so much better than F, and that he is so much more of a changed man. Cheating is cheating and that is an automatic fail. Remember that.
Time off
I'm taking a month-long trip away from home to visit extended family. This trip was planned long ago, before adopting Mr. Z, my new doggy. I've made extensive plans to have him stay with friends of mine -- a couple who already own two dogs of their own as well as a 1-year old darling boy. They are the epitome of attaining the American dream, with their beautiful home in the suburbs, a yard and fencing, dogs, and the most healthy and loving relationship with one another. They are the family/couple that everyone aspires to model after. So, I could not imagine a better temporary home for Mr. Z while I am travelling!
I'm also taking this time away to read more on being a doggy mommy. I actually just finished Cesar Millan's book: "Member of the family"-- and it was fantastic. I can now vouch that for every woman/man who needs to work on greater self-introspection, getting a doggy can be the most healthy way for living and receiving love in return.
Nevertheless, I go to sleep and wake up thinking about B. and about our breakup. I sometimes go to sleep feeling angry for things that happened long ago. Back before he was even caught cheating, heck, back when we first started dating and the red flags were waving in the air even then! Looking back, hindsight certainly is 20/20. In fact, I can now see things that I didn't want to see before. What kind of vision would you describe that to be? It's like being tested at the optometrist's! I realize now that the O was never an O. It was perhaps a Q all along, but I didn't want to see the little tail that came with it.
Seeing how I am surrounded by extended family members practically 24/7, there has been little time for silent self-reflection. I am not ready for deep introspection either, so instead, I have been throwing myself into learning about dog psychology, dog training, and everything dog-related that could make me a better doggy mommy when I return home. I'm not sure what I miss sometimes. The truth is that as much as I miss Mr. Z, I can't help but think about the breakup as well, and to say aloud "I miss my dog" when in actuality, I am feeling like "I miss my ex-boyfriend". I simply have a strong sense of missing someone/something (perhaps both?) and a profound feeling of absence in my heart.
I'm also taking this time away to read more on being a doggy mommy. I actually just finished Cesar Millan's book: "Member of the family"-- and it was fantastic. I can now vouch that for every woman/man who needs to work on greater self-introspection, getting a doggy can be the most healthy way for living and receiving love in return.
Nevertheless, I go to sleep and wake up thinking about B. and about our breakup. I sometimes go to sleep feeling angry for things that happened long ago. Back before he was even caught cheating, heck, back when we first started dating and the red flags were waving in the air even then! Looking back, hindsight certainly is 20/20. In fact, I can now see things that I didn't want to see before. What kind of vision would you describe that to be? It's like being tested at the optometrist's! I realize now that the O was never an O. It was perhaps a Q all along, but I didn't want to see the little tail that came with it.
Seeing how I am surrounded by extended family members practically 24/7, there has been little time for silent self-reflection. I am not ready for deep introspection either, so instead, I have been throwing myself into learning about dog psychology, dog training, and everything dog-related that could make me a better doggy mommy when I return home. I'm not sure what I miss sometimes. The truth is that as much as I miss Mr. Z, I can't help but think about the breakup as well, and to say aloud "I miss my dog" when in actuality, I am feeling like "I miss my ex-boyfriend". I simply have a strong sense of missing someone/something (perhaps both?) and a profound feeling of absence in my heart.
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