Journaling

I dedicate this entry to my journals and to journal-writing! I don't think I give my journal enough credit for the therapy that it has offered me.

Although I've always been a journal-writer, even as a child, I have realized this year that I was never as honest in my writing as I could have been.  There is something very formal and deliberate about writing down your thoughts and feelings as opposed to simply thinking them abstractly and then letting it fly away as a fleeting thought and moving onwards.

Particularly when it comes to negative feelings, I don't think I've ever actually written down my feelings for what they really were: the raw, naked, vulnerable core feelings that I actually felt. Who wants to write about it to leave evidence that these feelings actually existed and that I had to feel it and deal with it?  Besides, I had always envisioned my future self finding my journals and being able to read and be transported into a younger time period to to be immersed in the positive memories that I have.  For the sake of my future self, I did not want to have the me uncover journal from the past, open it, and read about how lonely, isolated, abandoned, fearful it was back then. I wanted only positive memories and if I couldn't have it, then I wrote about negative events as what they were: events, situations, circumstances that were factual and neutral. Negative feelings didn't hold as much of a place in my journal.  Perhaps only briefly, and even then, it was experienced as anger or frustration and not the most deep, raw feelings we have as human beings.  The ultimate fears we have about being unlikeable, unloveable, unworthy, unable to offer anything of value.  Oh no, I don't think I ever wrote about that.

This year, I purposely went out to buy a journal to write about my negative feelings and about all the things that I didn't want to and never wrote about in my usual, aquamarine journal.  I chose a design that was in total contrast to what I already have: a black tree with growing branches amidst bright yet dark pink sky.  It was meaningful for me to choose such strong and sharp colors -- they represent my feelings so well.  And the tree is also incredibly significant for me as well -- it indicates growth, life, history, the past, present, and future, and it being black felt good too.  Dark and ominous in some way, yet liberating because when all is still and all is dark, that is when you can feel the extremity of seeing the light and having hope.

So now that I have two journals instead of one, I feel I can be more honest with myself.  I don't want to "taint" my aquamarine, calm, tranquil-looking journal that I use to write about day-to-day or month-to-month significant activities and feelings.  I can maintain it as my "overall journal"-- and meanwhile, I can give my intense, negative, emotional, sharp feelings a home as well, so that I can put it somewhere and I can acknowledge in my own way, that these feelings are real and that they are legitimate and worthy of being processed.

I can't begin to tell you that the therapeutic effects of having my pink journal have been astounding! It is so wonderful to write about my angst and my pain and to not worry about it overshadowing my life via my journal.  It is such a relief to have a place for negative feelings, and to NOT have to store it secretly within me while also feeling the ambivalence of wanting to express it and get it out.  Unexpectedly, it has also been incredibly validating to read some of my past journal entries and to cry for myself, and to emphathize for myself the strong feelings/experiences I have had.  I have been able to develop a compassion for myself through this process, and to be my own listener and cheerleader and devil's advocate at any time that I need those roles in my life. Shortly thereafter, I also started this blog in the hopes of helping others to have a space to read, write, comment, and to share some sense of universality when it comes to such self-reflection.

Going back to my dedication for journal writing.... I encourage everyone to write!

Write your deepest and darkest feelings whenever and if ever you want! And do it in a journal of your choice.  Just write and don't worry about who might read it, who might accidentally see it, what someone may think of you should they stumble upon it.  For so long, I was terrified  that someone might see my journal, especially a family member, and that they would realize how weak, scared, insecure, shameful I really feel.

So what I did to alleviate this fear was I skipped some of the first pages when I started writing my first page. I wrote quite anonymously and didn't sign my name like I usually would in my other journals.  I used acronyms to write about some of my feelings, and I replaced full names with initials, instead.  Over time, I began to feel more comfortable with writing and was eventually able to open the journal to the first page and write an entry for an accidental reader.

In it, I wrote a short blurb. It said:

"CAUTION! PLEASE STOP READING AHEAD! The contents of this journal are absolutely private and if you have any respect, love, empathy for someone who has experienced pain and angst and is needing a space to feel safe to express it, then please do not proceed ahead. You will never be able to know how meaningful it is to have such a space and I have only gratitude and appreciation for your self-discipline to stop reading here.  Thank you."