Quitting him cold turkey.

If I were counting the days, I would know that my breakup with B. was approximately three weeks ago. But then we saw each other 3 days later to exchange items that we had from each other. 4 days later, he texted me to wish me a safe flight, and 7 days after that, he IMed me online to ask how my family is doing, how my new dog is doing, and whether I enjoy the weather in the country that I'm in to see my family. Since then, I have only been online under the status of "invisible" so that he does not see that I'm there, and so that I don't have to block him just yet.

In every breakup I've been in, it's been darn-near impossible for me to cut them off cold-turkey. And technology has made it 10000 times harder because it's hard enough to have to deal with having such an absence in my day-to-day life, in my living space, and in my social life. In addition to going home to an empty apartment every night, and waking up to an empty apartment every morning, I also have to deal with having to cut them out of every form of technology that I use for social networking and communication.

I can't even turn on my computer and check email without feeling a skip in my heart as well as utter dread.  Because turning on my gmail means that my gchat list will pop up and my eyes will directly go straight there to see if he is online -- if he is on gchat.

If he is, then I'm relieved but also sad because we can't talk.
If he's not, then I start to feel anxious, because that must mean he's not online right? And if he's not on the computer, then where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing?  None of these questions have to do with me, whatsoever, but still, my brain produces all these questions and I begin to feel anxious and upset.  I can't even check my email without obsessing about him.

It would make things much easier if I could just cut him out of my life, cold-turkey, by blocking his screen name, de-friending him from facebook, deleting old email messages from him, and deleting his phone number/name from my phone.  In my practical day-to-day life back at home, I've actually gathered together all the love letters from the past and put them somewhere completely out of sight. Friends have suggested getting rid of them altogether, but I just can't bear to do it because it's too permanent of a loss. So I stuff it all in a cabinet and hope that one day, I can throw it away. Someday, someday. Right now, I just can't.

For now, I have to be OK with doing it my way.  Even if it seems like cheating and I feel weak for not being able to be totally logical, rational, and cool about it.  I'm not like other people who can cut-it-off cold-turkey and then move on completely. I wish I were. At most, I have only been able to do it increments. I remove evidence of the relationship little by little, such as blocking and then unblocking a few times before actually being able to permanently block him and not be obsessed about him.  It also takes me awhile to stop being "invisible" online because it's so gratifying to "see" him to know that he's there. Please just let me feel like I can at least "see" you when I want to-- even if we're not together anymore, even if I'm not even significant in your life anymore.

In my attempt to be more compassionate with myself, I will try to acknowledge that at the very least, I actually successfully broke up and maintained breaking up with him.  Within our 2 year-relationship, the people around me were growing so sick of our on-and-off, on-and-off roller coaster of a relationship. I was sick of being so miserable myself, and feeling like my life was completely out of my control. In every attempt to break up, never once did he really let me go, and in truth, I don't think I wanted him to let me go.

So, at least this time around, I'm actually off of the roller coaster. Completely. It's just that sometimes, I look at it longingly even though I know it's much healthier for me to be looking at it from afar. At least for now, let me have that.