Consequences, Part I

Even before the break-up, I thought about the after-effects. Several times, I thought I was being relationship-savvy, weighing the risks and benefits and ultimately thinking that I would be alright in the end because at least I was thinking about it! I thought, hey! it's not like this is my first break-up and I've surely had a few under my belt.  I survived those, so surely, I will be fine after this.

How wrong I was.

This relationship really has broken me in so many ways.  A friend of mine said to me awhile ago, "Listen! He has broken you. Broken you! He has hurt you in every single way possible and still, you think you're going to come out of this with no scarring?"

My friends are so insightful and they have been amazing throughout all of this.  This same friend also said to me once, "At what point will the damage be so bad, that you can't come back to being who you used to be, and believing what you used to believe in?"

So, I'm writing today about consequences because I've been thinking about it every. single. friggin. day. I thought I was stronger, I thought I was untouchable, I thought I couldn't be hurt because I'm a lover and a healer and giver.

So, this entry is only part I of many many parts.  There is so much more to write about. So much loss that I feel: in myself, in my ability to trust my own decision-making and instinct, to trust others, to have faith in unconditional love, to believe that I am deserving of a person who would love me no matter what.
I've lost what was, what is, what I thought could have been.  Part of break-ups is re-defining who you are without that person.  Who you will be without that person.  What your life will be like without that person.  I am in re-organization mode.

For the past 3 weeks, I've cried myself to sleep almost every night. This week I've stopped the pattern, and I'm feeling some progress.  Yay, improvement.