Uncovering my greatest fear

I was triggered earlier tonight by a situation that happened between a couple in my family: my grandparents.  Having gone out with the rest of the family for an event, we had thought that my grandparents would stay in for the night.  For some reason, however, my grandmother, who is 80 years old, left the house and rode her bike to who-knew-where and was gone for hours on end from about 6-9pm. My grandfather, who is 10 years older and therefore 90 years old, woke up from his late afternoon nap as usual and waited for her. And he waited and he waited and he waited... and proceeded to freak out as the clock ticked on by.

About 2 years ago, a similar situation had happened when my grandmother went out to buy the newspaper.  She had ridden her bicycle to the nearby shop and on the way there, she was hit by a motorcyclist-- a drive-and-run-- and she ended up with a concussion and multiple fractures.  Pedestrians walking by saw her laying on the ground and were quick to call the ambulance and to get her the help she needed.  My grandfather had been waiting for her at home and alerted via phone by the police. This incident happened only two years ago and it was a miracle that she survived and that she continues to have her health even after such an accident.

So, tonight, my grandpa called me. Not only, not twice, but three times over the course of the 3 hours. He was scared, anxious, and I'm sure lonely, too, when he asked to see if we knew where grandma was.  He was so fearful of another accident like the one two years ago, and the panic in his voice was clear.  He also hadn't eaten dinner and when I asked if he was hungry, he sounded like a lost little boy wandering the streets, homeless and hungry. Grandma usually never leaves the house during mealtime and if she did, she would always leave the meal out on the table so that grandpa would eat without her.  This time, there was only bread and some snacks on the table.  So the only deduction was that she would be returning soon and that he should not panic, but rather patiently wait and perhaps relax and watch TV.  I would have rushed home in a second, but the reason we were out was because of an important social event that was mandatory. Nevertheless, I could barely sit still throughout, and as the time passed, the panic in grandpa's voice grew stronger each time and it was harder to explain to him that no news is good news, because accidents mean that someone/some institution, whether it is the police or the hospital, contacts the family. Eventually, I called my uncle, who fortunately, was nearby and able to head straight to the house to placate grandpa and to spend time with him.  Shortly thereafter, grandma returned home and they called to let me know that all was well.

This short story (which lasted only about 3 hours) has a good ending. Still, I have to confess that the process nearly drove me crazy and it was all I could do not to hail a cab to go straight home to see grandpa. It was all I could do not to call every single one of grandma's friends to ask her, "Hey, is my grandma with you? Do you know where she is? Why isn't she home yet?" I did, by the way.  I called as many friends as I knew of hers, but not all.  And naturally, that was where she was anyway.  She had stopped by a friend's house and ended up staying longer than she thought.  She left bread for grandpa for dinner, but honestly, it really seems to be a snack for us, considering the excellent chef that she is.

Anyways, my point to this story is that I get it.

I SO understand what my grandpa was feeling during those arduous 3 hours of waiting and not knowing what was happening to grandma.

I can fully relate to the anxiety of wondering where your loved one is when you can't reach them. Did they die in an accident? Are they hurt and perhaps unable to get the help that is needed to get better or to return home? Are they in pain, whether it is physical or emotional, and are they scared?  Where are they? What are they doing? Why can't I reach them? Why don't they respond to me trying to find them?  What if I can't never reach them again? Ah, these questions. They are so familiar to me, and this situation is what I have always struggled with when it comes to my loved ones, may it be my mom or any of the boyfriends I have had.

Throughout my life history, when I have not been able to immediately find the person that I am looking for (usually my mom when I was little and in my adult life, my romantic partner), I skyrocket straight into panic mode.  I blast-off into catastrophic thoughts like "Oh my gosh, s/he is dead. I just know it. S/he got hit by a car. Or was robbed at gunpoint. Or drove into a pole. Or some other calamity." I envision not knowing when the moment happened that they left and I became abandoned. My heart accelerates exponentially. My breath gets caught and I feel like I am running out of air, and I quite literally feel as though an ulcer is growing within me, first from my stomach and then expanding into my limbs.  Sometimes I cry, but mostly I just panic and need to either pace around or to talk to someone. Fast. I think about all the things I wish I could say to them and all the things I haven't yet said.  I think about good memories with them and miss them.  I also think about bad memories with them and regret when I have been upset or angry with them and not appreciated them for even being in my life.

Then I jump into another mode.  This one even scarier.  I think to myself, "Maybe s/he is not injured or dead.  It is possible that s/he has not left this earth and left me alone in this world.  Maybe s/he just doesn't want to talk to me."  Now this is a much worse thought because then I plummet into whirlwind of crazy thoughts centered around not being wanted.  I fantasize scenarios in which they choose to call someone else other than me.  Or they are cheating/choosing to be with someone else other than me.  I envision that they may have schemed behind my back to leave me and are not enacting their plan.  I imagine a scene with such vividness that I think it's real, that they pick up the phone, see that I'm calling and purposely choose not to pick up.  This scenario is perhaps the worst of all, even more painful to imagine than them dying or being injured, because this is strategic, intentional abandonment as opposed to unexpected, sudden, out of control abandonment due to outside forces rather than between us.

So, yes, it is so familiar to me to know what panic feels like when I talked to my grandpa and heard in his voice, the helpless and anxious feelings that he has when he was unable to reach my grandma. The situation felt even more intense for me considering my grandpa is 90 years old and fully dependent on my grandmother for everything. For his 3 meals/day, for his mobility because he needs his wheelchair and cane, for any and every practical day-to-day as well as long-term issue such as where are there social security cards and where are their passports kind of questions, and also because they have been each other's companions for the past 60+ years. My attachment to anyone is significantly lesser than theirs, and yet, I can vouch that for me, no torture is greater than the anxiety that I feel when I am unable to reach my attachment figure.

Sometimes I have these moments when I think about my ex-boyfriend.  I have felt this after every break-up and even beforehand too.  My fear rises from my lower abdomen and simply suffocates me from within.  At least by being a country away from B right now, I am able to distance my emotions when I think about him and not being able to know where he is/ what he's doing/ how he's doing.  Unrealistically, I think all the time about whether he's alive or not.  I wonder if something has happened to him since we last saw each other/talked. I think about the possibility that he may be injured or hurt and hope that he doesn't ever feel lonely or sad or turn to negative forms of coping to bring himself lower.  I wonder secretly to himself, whether he needs me and I also throw out the likelihood that he may have already easily replaced me with someone else and is living happily ever after without me.

Tonight, when I experienced that panic vicariously through my grandpa, I realized that I have always been like this, with every partner in every relationship, and with an equal intensity of pain and angst.  It's no them, it's me.  It's not that they are so special that I fear losing them.  And none of them have ever been in any real danger of hurt/harm anyways.  It's me.  It's my fear of losing someone significant to me, and of being replaced by or skipped over because of someone else.  I fear that when I lose the people that I love, that it's because they CHOOSE to leave me.  They choose to leave me for someone better and they choose to leave me for a world (heaven?) that's better.  Again, it routes back to this feeling of feeling unworthy of love, perhaps? Of being not enough for them and insufficient so that they would want to choose something/someone that is better than me.  Because I'm not good enough for them to stay with or to live with.

It is quite liberating to recognize that my fears of abandonment are MINE.  Regardless of the partner that I have, my fear of abandonment has always been consistent, and therefore, totally unrelated to any specific person other than myself.  Knowing this is empowering.  Realizing this allows me to know that I have not yet met someone who is SOOO special that losing him really is the end of the world for me.  Heck, if I were rational enough, I would be able to say that even if I did lose the love of my life, the world still should not end for me and that I still should/must be able to go on.  Anyway, I digress.

My point is that my fear is mine, and therefore no one can ever give it to me, nor take it away from me. The only person that can help me to stop living in fear, panic, and anxiety when I cannot reached a loved one, is... well, me.  Only I can fix myself and only I can find a solution for my heartaches, heart pains, and heart angsts.

This is all very hopeful for me, don't you think?