Half a year later...

Hiiiiiiiii.....

I'm back! It's been 6 months since I've written, which can mean a number of things have happened.
1. I'm too happy in my relationship that I don't know what to write about anymore
2. I'm too upset/unhappy in my relationship that I decided ranting and raving was doing no good
3. I've found another venue to write about my relationship woes and successes
4. I've stopped writing altogether, and I've also stopped sitting with my feelings.

Well, there is no one answer that can sum up all of my complexities, but if we had to make a choice, the answer would have to be 1! And maybe a little bit of 4.

But now it's almost half a year later and there is certainly a great deal of change.

Yesterday, I drove down to Jay's place to help him pack up so he can begin his 15 hour drive to his new postdoc position. Goodbye, Jay. Hello, long distance relationship. I have been sad all day. I am also lucky, though, even if it doesn't feel entirely this way. Jay and his friends had to drive through my city on their way to their final destination, so they stopped to get gas here and I got to see him for 2 additional minutes.  I'm grateful for that. But still, I have felt gray inside after that.

The absence of Jay feels more substantial now than before. We took a 3-day trip together at the end of last week and the closeness and intimacy of road-tripping and living together have now clouded my sense of independence and autonomy. We left on Wednesday and drove 6 hours to another city where I had a professional conference to attend. I went to my sessions and received my award, and socialized with colleagues, friends, and acquaintances... All the meanwhile, Jay was my perfect companion/sidekick. If our genders were reversed, you would have said he was the trophy wife and I was the busy working man of the household.  Don't get me wrong, Jay is very very successful himself, and that is probably why he was so patient, relaxed, and able to adapt to whatever role I asked him to be. At times, my conference sessions ran late, so I was not able to meet him on time. There were also times when I couldn't respond to texts, so he would just have to wait for me. One of the ceremonies ended exactly one hour later and even then, Jay silently and patiently waited. I had hoped that for ONE of the nights, we could be entirely free to explore the city, eat whatever we wanted, and basically be anonymous and couple-y. But that did not happen. There were impromptu, spontaneous dinners planned with mentors I don't usually see. As a result, I had to cancel our private time and also delay our dinner time so that everyone can eat together. Poor Jay. He just waited. Again... silently and patiently. I seriously could not ask for a better guy.

On the drive home, I asked Jay what his favorite part of the trip was. I expected he would talk about one of the meals we had, or one of the walks he took on his own. Instead, his answer was, "spending time with you." I did not know how else to respond other than make a joke of it, minimize the meaning, and say "OK, seriously, what was your absolute favorite part of the trip? Not the restaurants?"

Sigh. I think this reflected my discomfort with unexpected intimacy and being able to express being moved by him.

The drive back was so long. I was so sleepy. As a result, Jay had to drive the first part and also the last part because I just couldn't hack it. When we got to my apartment around midnight, he came up to lie down with me for 30 minutes and then got into his car and drove another 2.5 hours to get to his home, where he had to prepare for his sunrise golf game with his mentors. Jay slept all of 1 hour that day, and when I drove down to meet him and his family to pack that night, he was basically a zombie. Why did he come with me to my conference when he had so much to do to prepare for his move? I really don't know. Trust me, I asked. He just kept saying, don't worry, it'll get done. It did, ultimately, but at the cost of sleep!

So, he's been on the road for about 10 hours now, and there's 5ish left. I'm grateful he has his 2 friends with him. Knowing he has social support takes away some of my fears that he's too sleepy on his own.

Looking back at some of my entries, I've really vented quite a bit about Jay and looked forward to having free time so I wouldn't be commuting on the weekends. I'm still looking forward to saving 5 hours/week driving, but my heart feels heavy and my world feels gloomy knowing he is not in a driving distance from me, and not even in the same time zone anymore. I miss him sooo much and I hadn't even realized how significant his absence would feel to me. There is a hole in my chest!