Grocery Shopping, Week 2

A few days ago, I spent roughly $100 on groceries.  $100! That amount of money used to last me for weeks! But now it’s going to only get me through this week and probably even less because I'll need more veggies!! 

After hitting the gym on Match Day morning, I went into shopping mode.  Last time I went shopping, I ended up running out of protein (i.e., meat) and doing a lot of cheating (in my eating) so I wasn’t starving. But this time, with my Match celebration in mind, I was liberated to shop and get what I normally wouldn’t-- dessert-wise!! 

Here are my purchases:

Proteins:

Ground buffalo

Ground lamb

Lamb chops (2)

Canned oyster

Organic chicken broth? Does that fit here?

Veggies & Fruits:

Leek

Celery

Carrots

Canned organic pumpkin

Bananas

Apples (unpictured because they were already put away)

Fats:

Almond butter—crunchy

Organic coconut milk (2)

Desserts:

Vanilla extract

Organic dark chocolate

As I put away the groceries that day, I finished off the can of oysters. I couldn’t imagine cooking an entire meal and waiting for it while starving, so I needed some protein into my system.  Man, I can’t begin to tell you how yummy that was, the nutty, salty flavor of seafood, mixed with the rich silkiness of extra virgin olive oil! The oysters help me last through my very own process of making homemade delicious organic pumpkin soup!

For my pumpkin soup, I simply sautéed diced onions, garlic, celery, and carrots. I added salt, garlic salt, and some pepper. Then I blended it all with organic canned pumpkin and lastly, added some coconut milk. You can see my result below! I cannot wait to have this for the rest of the week! See my large batch?  It’s quite filling!

Organic pumpkin soup straight from the blender!

Add cayenne pepper and some parsley on top for decoration and color :)

Paleo update

I am proud to share my Paleo update so far!

On the night of Match Day (Fri 2/24/12—forever imprinted into my memory), I knew I had to be careful with staying Paleo! That night, I had a dinner party with friends and colleagues at an American restaurant. I ordered as simply as possible: Cheeseburger! But I had them remove the buns and replace them with additional veggies like bell peppers. I also asked to have no cheese whatsoever, and I substituted sweet potato fries for regular potato shoestring fries.  I had to do lots of explaining to those sitting next to me, but for the most part, it was quite successful and less awkward than I expected!  

After dinner, however, when we changed locations to this club/bar that our friend owns, the peer pressure came one at full-force.  There were waaay too many opportunities to drink, and SOSOSO many uncomfortable moments when I declined.  I haven’t experienced peer pressure like this ever!

Friends would come up to me and shake their heads because I had no cup in hand.  Because it was my celebratory night, everyone expected me to drink until I passed out.  Every friend wanted to buy me a drink—and even my students— those I’m currently teaching, purchased shots to peer-pressure me into drinking!

Haha! I got this image from a site called: "Top ten 21st Birthday Survival Tips"

(Although I am far from being 21 by now...)

One particularly difficult conversation was with two dear Latino friends who would not take no for an answer.  They refused to get water for me, and they said it would ruin their reputation to order something other than hard alcohol.  They reasoned that if I wanted a clear drink, I could have vodka or whiskey, but absolutely no water.  Later, they invented other excuses, like the bartender refused to serve water, and would only serve alcohol.  You would not believe the lies they came up with trying to get me to drink.  But I persisted.  I really did, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do!  My one moment of pride was when another student asked to buy me a drink. I told him about my Paleo attempt and he understood. He is an athlete himself so instead of pushing me on the subject, he backed up, said that he really respected what I was doing, and then offered to get me whatever I wanted – even if I just wanted water.  That was cool.

Did you know that alcohol gets in the way of nourishing, deep sleep?  While alcohol can make you sleepy, it stops you at the shallow level of sleep that can be easily interrupted and definitely less restful.  

As you can guess, then, after we partied and partied and partied, I was happy to get home, change into PJs and fall into super deep and restful sleep.  It was exactly what I needed and had been craving all week.

In the morning, I woke up and treated myself to making Paleo pancakes.  I mixed together an egg, almond flour, a sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg, mashed up an entire banana to the mix, and threw in some chopped-up frozen peaches and strawberries.  The result?  A sweet sweet pancake!


It was sooo nice to be sober, non-hung-over, and to be eating healthy the day-after-a-celebration!

Almond flour Paleo pancakes with bananas, peaches, and strawberries

At night, I drove an hour to meet friends to celebrate and to have Spanish tapas!  We all ordered our own dishes and I tried to eat paleo by having ceviche and a lamb dish.  The ceviche was salty, sour, and perfectly mixed with lamb, shrimp and some fish. The lamb was moist and tender and absolutely delectable! It was seated on a bed of skillet potatoes, so I did cheat a little.  I also had a few bites of paella-- but come on, that has to be understandable.  It's paella!

Finally! Match Day!!

Found out about match day at 7:29am this morning.  On my way to my morning workout, I checked my email at a stoplight and immediately opened it to find that…

... I matched! 

Not only that, I matched to my #1 ranked site!

For the remainder of the day, I was flooded with texts, phone calls, and congratulatory posts throughout facebook and email. I felt so loved, embraced, and well-wished by almost everyone who knew me: family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances even.  The entire day felt overwhelming, exciting, and quite surreal actually.  The morning/noontime quickly flew by and by early afternoon, I called an old childhood friend to discuss clothing options for the dinner and celebratory party that night.  Prior to going out, though, I took a 20 minute Epsom salt bath to relax and take some time to myself.  I even closed to door to Mr. Z. so I could have some alone time to reflect.  However, I found myself suddenly crying when I thought about the many people I wanted to celebrate with—but who were far far away: all my family members, my childhood friends from home, my good friends who have recently graduated and left... 

Besides, even with having a dinner party with many others who also went through this grueling match process, I didn’t really invite many friends to come.  For one, I couldn’t extend invitations one week ahead of time when I didn’t even know if I would be match the following week.  Secondly, I didn’t really have that many close friends anymore nearby.  My one dear friend, Penny, had been quite clear about not wanting to come when I asked her a few days ago. I hadn’t paid much attention to her response then, because I was too concerned if there would even be a party.  But now that there was, and now that I feel celebratory, I suddenly felt lonely.  

Very very lonely.  

Of all the friends and acquaintances that were coming, I really just wanted to celebrate with 2 people: Penny and Connie—neither of whom were coming!  It was strange to feel so lonely on such a happy day—but I found myself crying big fat tears and having an imaginary conversation with Penny about the significance of this day.

As fate would have it, Penny texted me a few minutes later to say that she wanted to show up tonight to celebrate me, and that she felt sorry for how she reacted the week before.  She apologized for having such a “cold reaction” and in turn, I told her how much I appreciated her words and her presence in my life. Isn’t it interesting how that worked out?  Her message came at the perfect time.  Additionally, I realized throughout the night that I had many many more friends than I thought I did—many of whom were SO happy for me and for my colleagues on our celebratory day!  I was quite overwhelmed by the love, actually!  A previous student of mine came for dinner and also got each of us a congratulatory balloon too!

Fly high, balloon! Fly high!

A waste of...

I have an aversion toward wastefulness.  I hate wasting time, food, energy, you name it!  I cannot stand wasting.

My brother is currently dating a woman who I really like.  My only (but major) annoyance is her tendency to waste food.  She'll take a couple of bites out of her meal and throw the rest away.  She'll order a giant steaming cup of coffee and toss it after just a couple of sips.

Wasting.  Whether it's a tangible object thrown away or emotional investment thrown into the wind, I find it gut-wrenching. 

Case-in-point: all of my failed relationships.

I look back and feel like I've wasted a lot of unneccessary time, energy, resources, and potential on boys/men who have broken my heart.  My friends comfort me of course.  They say, "Nono! Those are life experiences.  You will grow from them and you will know more about what you want."

My friends are partly right.  I agree that I'm growing (and will continue to grow) from the challenges that life throws at me.  At the same time, I still look back and feel like I've wasted way to much time with people who weren't appropriate for me.  A good friend once gave me some wise words of comfort when I asked if I was a magnet for mean men.  She said that I wasn't necessarily problematic as a person.  But I do tend to hold onto relationships even after seeing all the red flags.  Whereas most people would see the problems and say, "thanks but no thanks! I release you back int othe sea!"  I don't let them go, and I instead continue to hold on and to have hope.

So maybe that's the wasted time.  Perhaps none of my ex-partners were a waste of my life experiences.  But the length of time I spent with them could have definitely be shortened.  From now on, I want to place more value on my time and to make sure I don't waste anymore than I already have.

Speaking of waste... the paleo diet is scaring me because of how much "waste" I have to clean out.  I have so many yummy foods and snacks that are considered NONpaleo, but that I don't have the heart to throw away. What am I supposed to do with my ricotta cheese? My soy milk? My soy sauce? My tofu? My mango and milk ice cream bars? My chocolate drumsticks with peanut chips on top? My sesame balls wrapped in rice? Throw them all away? That would be wasting -- and wasting is so heartbreaking for me!

Healthy coping?

In my quest to cope with internship anxieties, I have really been actively pursuing my fitness and diet.  2 entries ago, I wrote about having a super-productive morning and making delicious food.  That was actually only yesterday morning, and today, I decided to make the same thing since my other pork chop was just sitting in the fridge!

I took pictures of my dish and present it below.  It's simple, fast, easy, and wonderful for Paleo eaters as well as anyone who simply likes meats and veggies together.  I also LOVE heavy breakfasts that fill-me-up, but anyone wanting to try this can eat this at any time: breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacktime, even!

Anyways, here it is: my yummy porkchop salad! (My apologies in advance for being a poor picture-taker.  This is why I'm not a food blogger and why I rarely post pictures)

I made this dish in less than 15 minutes.  First, I marinated my porkchop in Worcestershire sauce and let it hang out while I chopped up some red cabbage and tomatoes.  I had boiled some asparagus in hot water (for 4 minutes) yesterday and took it out of the fridge to add some color onto the dish.  Once my veggies were prepared, I grilled up my porkchop and ta-da! There you have it!

Because my porkchop wasn't marinated long enough, I decided to add some sauce to my veggies to give it some flavor.  I poured on some paleo mayo that I made a few days ago, and I am serious when I say that I can eat this day every. single. day.

My paleo mayo was an experimentation based on a recipe I read in another blog.  But because it turned out too salty, I also blended in some coconut milk and threw in a few slices of oranges to give it a sweeter tang and a saucy texture.  In total, I blended all of these ingredients to make this sauce: raw eggs, olive oil, dijon mustard, salt, cayenne pepper, apple cider vinegar, and then my own spin using coconut milk and some orange slices.

Delicious, I tell you! And beautiful to look at too, since I'm striving to eat a rainbow everyday to get all my colorful veggies and nutrients!

Counting down

In less than 24 hours, I will know where my future holds!
Strangely enough, I am not anxious or nervous or freaked out... anymore. Yesterday, however, was a different story.

Yesterday morning, I woke up to a nightmare about finding out my placement.  I dreamt that I got my first pick, but that I found out in a crowded university classroom (some sort of 101 class) with tons of students surrounding me, including my intern applicant cohort.  We filed into a classroom large enough to seat 300 and projected onto the wall, were the results of our placement.

In my dream, I was in immediate shock.  I read my name listed next to the #1 position and I was not sure if it was actually my name. As I walked to my seat in the crowded classroom, in a single file line, I found myself finally stopping, looking up, and being surrounded by people's voices, opinions, and emotions.  I didn't have time yet to figure out how I was feeling, but already, my cohort was asking me how I felt. On one side, they asked why I didn't look ecstatic.  On the other side, they asked if I was sad not to be placed in other sites.  My head swiveled back and forth to whoever was talking to me, all the while, I was frantic inside, not knowing how to present myself.

Should I look happy? Do I have a right to be sad? Especially because one of my good friends and cohort member also ranked the same place as #1, would it be completely disrespectful if I was anything less than over-the-moon?

I remember fighting back feelings of happiness and tears of joy at the same time.  I didn't know how to feel, but I felt pressured to fake some sort of overt expression to please the people around me.  It was a terrible feeling, a feeling of being stuck and incongruent, and I didn't know what to do. Then I woke up.

If I were to analyze my dream, it seems crystal clear to me, that my anxieties and fears are completely played out in this short scenario/dream/nightmare. I am so anxious of where I will be placed.  I do not know if I necessarily want to be at my #1 ranked place.  I still go back-and-forth wondering about my #2 site and questioning whether I should have ranked that as #1.  I feel uncomfortable knowing that when our results come out, my friend and I may face the uncomfortable reality of one of us being there, while the other is not.  What's the socially appropriate thing to do then?  The other major anxiety-factor is the night of festivities happening tomorrow night.  As it is, we have planned a dinner party with a bunch of people to celebrate "Match Day".  We are planning to eat at a very nice restaurant downtown, and then to head over to a bar/club that our friend/colleague owns, and to party it up for the remainder of the night.  Because the invitation is quite open, we are anticipating some 30+ People to come for the drinking and celebration after dinner. Some are friends, some are colleagues, some are friends and colleagues, and some are acquaintances from other interns who are applying.  Regardless of who is coming, the point is that so many people are coming and there is such a large audience to answer to.  What happens if I don't match, altogether?  I will have to explain that to some 30+ people.  And even if I match somewhere, how do I respond in-the-moment to some 30+ when I actually need time to process it myself first?  And because it's such a huge crowd, I'll have to repeat things over and over and over-- especially the bad news, should there be bad news.  For example, I may have to say 30 times that I didn't match, and then comfort them about the situation because it will surely be awkward and uncomfortable for them to hear as well.  Thinking about the possibility of this scenario exhausts me, and intensifies my anxiety ten-fold!

As I am writing, I also realize how much I worry about taking care of others!  I'm worried about maybe matching to my #1 site while my friend/colleague doesn't.  How will he feel then? What should I do then? How might I offer words of comfor then?

I am worried about not matching and having to explain to others and helping them understand the reality (as opposed to wondering how I will feel instead)!

I am concerned about how others will feel about internship and how others will judge me pending my match outcome. What will they think?

So, that's the analysis of my dream, and the open disclosure about all my anxieties, insecurities, fears, and burdens.

Hmm. I had been feeling perfectly optimistic at the beginning of this entry-- before I decided to talk about my dream!  Time to stop analyzing my dream!

Noting my good morning

A quick update on my morning so far!

I got up quite early to make it to my 7:15am training session with my crossfit instructor. I grabbed a couple bites of almonds and apple on the way out and the spent the hour huffing and puffing, trying to do presses and squats and abmats—trust me, these terminologies feel unfamiliar and intimidating for me. 

When I got home around 9am, I took Mr. Z. for a walk and then grilled up a porkchop for myself on a bed of red cabbage and tomatoes. I should have taken a picture because my breakfast was delicious and colorful! Having made my very own homemade mayonnaise the other day – also known as “paleo mayo”—I felt incredibly productive and creative in my meal of art!  I video-chatted with my mom while preparing my breakfast and she just about drooled before climbing into bed (she’s on the opposite side of the world right now)!

I’m celebrating this little success today because I feel good, albeit tired.  I feel productive, energized, inspired, and hopeful.  In contrast, when I went to bed last night, I felt anxious, alert, nauseous, and hyperactive. Not a good combination for bedtime.

My stress (and anxiety) is at an all-time high as I think about the news coming on Friday morning.  At approximately 8am this Friday, I’ll hear back about my internship to know where I have “matched”.  I’ll know if/where I’m going for the next year. The upcoming future will no longer be an ambiguous cloud of “I could be anywhere”. As I’ve been waiting, I can only sit on my hands and feel like I’m walking on pins and needles, simultaneously.  The wait game makes me uncomfortable.  And my alternative/coping is to work on something else, like… dissertation-- which is even more uncomfortable because I’d rather avoid that altogether.

Hence, the working out, the eating healthy, the sleeping early lifestyle.  This is my best coping mechanism so far! 

Why write about Paleo?

Just a quick note about me going paleo...

I feel vulnerable.

I'm just saying out loud so I can battle my fears.

I feel vulnerable sharing (with the world) that I am attempting a diet and trying to eat healthy.  I feel naked and exposed and fearful about failing and being witnessed to fail.  This is where chubbiness has its perks. If I act like I don't care about eating healthy, then no one will expect me to look healthy/fit.  But if I set a goal like going paleo (which is a HUGE deal), then there will be expectations..... and consequently disappointments.

I don't want to disappoint anyone.  I don't want to disappoint you, you, you.... or myself.  Because if I feel like I disappoint someone or anyone, I will feel ashamed.  And I do not want to feel ashamed.

Soo... the reason this paleo diet is relevant to my empowerment is that this is new for me. And potentially liberating.  Presently, it is terrifying.  I'm baring something new for me.  And I'm a little scared, a little hopeful, and a lot anxious.  I hope no one will point-a-finger at me if/when I fail to say, "but you said you were going to do ______, and you didn't. You failed.").  I don't want anyone to feel like I'm a failure, because as it is, I WILL feel like I've failed when I don't see results.

Nevertheless, I'm determined to do something new to be healthier.  I want to push myself to be physically healthier and to also be mentally healthier and more positive about me. I want to try risk-taking and sharing my flaws, my limitations, and my areas for growth. I really want to be empowered by this process.

Week 1 of Paleo

In my attempts to chronicle my striving to be paleo, I've taken pictures of the groceries that I purchased this weekend. If I haven't mentioned it already, the paleo diet also has a sustainability focus that encourages purchasing organic fruits and vegetables, as well as grass-fed meats.  So, over the weekend, I went to an organic co-op store and spent waaaaay more money than I ever thought possible to feed just one person.

I made special efforts to purchase foods I don't normally eat because come on! variety is the spice of life, right?  In summary, my purchases are organized below:

Veggies:
Kale
Red cabbage
Cauliflower
Onions
Asparagus

Fruits:
Apples
Oranges


Meats:
Grass-fed ground beef
Grass-fed pork chops
Canned sardines in water

After spending about 1 hour wandering in the little organic stores, I spent the next 5 hours cooking!  I made a cauliflower mash (which is the equivalent to mash potatoes), a stuffed eggplant (literally stuffed with its insides plus some onions and garlic), pico de gallo (using my onions and tomatoes from an earlier shopping trip), and some stir-fried ground beef with onions, garlic, and jalapenos. My last dish was a mixture of kale and button mushrooms. I still have 2 pork chops sitting in the fridge defrosted and just waiting for my next move.  I figure that will be easy. Some marinating in some sauce, and presto-change-o! I will have another source of protein.  I'm also waiting for another day to use my red cabbage to make some sort of slaw using paleo mayo!  The thought of making my own mayonnaise and creating my own slaw is too exciting-- and therefore, I must exercise my enthusiasm for later.

As it is, even if these dishes don't sound much, the extravaganza of cooking 5 dishes took me 300 minutes from start-to-finish.  300 minutes!!! As in 5 hours!!! I was exhausted afterwards, and even now I feel surprised by myself. I hope this paleo thing works out for me and I can maintain some shred of self-control when my sugar cravings dominate me.  I also hope I don't overeat because there's no mention of portion control anywhere on the paleo blogs that I've been surfing.  I would ask my trainer at the gym, but seeing as I've harassed him all weekend about food, I should probably give him a break.  At some point, though I have to address this issue of overeating. I've already found myself feeling extremely heavy in my stomach because of all this protein I'm consuming.

For once, I miss breads! And I sooo miss my cheese, my soy, and just my beans.  I crave sugar in an obsessive way too, so I desperately google youtube clips to watch cooking shows that encourage me to wait and cook later to make my own healthy sweets.

self control, self control, self control....

Eating paleo?

I've been working out regularly for the past 3 weeks now!  That's by far the longest and most consistent schedule I have ever had when it comes to doing something physical! I also have a one-on-one trainer that I'm working with... at least for the next 5 sessions.  He's a graduate student like me, except his speciality is in nutrition and he has tuned me into a way of eating that I'm quite interested in pursuing.

Have you heard of the paleo diet?  It has been referred to as the "cavemen" diet because it goes all the way back to how our ancestors ate, waaaay back in the day.  As hunter-gatherers, they ate natural unprocessed foods, relying on meats, vegetables, fruits.  I don't really understand why they didn't eat beans, but apparently, on the paleo diet, no legumes (aka beans) are allowed.  No dairy is permitted.  And absolutely positively no grains.

This diet would have been so fun when I was a child.  It would have meant eating just steak and getting to push aside the other things on my plate.  But now, as an adult, I'm accustomed to eating everything on my plate, including breads!  And even though I've grown up disliking bread, I've adjusted myself to crave bread!

Which is why this diet is so hard.  Even harder because it's the hardest thing in the world for me to give up my cheeses.  Goodbye to yogurt, to milk, to butter, to sour cream.  Sayonara hummus, chili with beans, and edamames as well.  It's also unbelievable to me that I have to give up soy-- no more soy milk AND no more tofu!  That just seems ridiculous to me, but oh well.

In some ways, even though I don't understand the anti-bean (legume) argument, I do understand that in this day and age, our soy products aren't really natural, hence, going paleo means getting away from any additional toying with natural, whole, raw foods.  In that sense, I get it.  But I do have soy milk sitting in my fridge.  And I have soy sauce and tofu in my cupboards.  I have flour, I have cookie, bread, and cake mixes, and I also have cheese waiting for me in my fridge.  What am I supposed to do with those?

Last week, I mentally committed myself to what is called the 30-day-Paleo challenge which is a cleansing out of everything other than what I am permitted to eat (veggies, fruits, meats).  But then I crashed and burned multiple times when I got sugar cravings, when I went out with friends and peer pressure got the best of me, and when I ate cake, and more cake, and cheese spinach artichoke dip with tortilla chips.

Still, I'm trying to start, so I'll give myself credit.  I figure, this is a really important part of my being healthy: mentally but also physically.  I'm going to pay attention to what I put in my body, and I'm going to give it the same emphasis I give to feeding Mr. Z. healthy foods.  What's funny is that I buy "limited ingredient" foods for him, meaning I spend additional money to make sure he is eating unprocessed, whole foods, like sweet potato chips and duck liver crackers. I don't make that much of an effort with myself though.... so it's time.

Taking care of others too much

A few days ago, I re-experienced feelings I had when I was with B. -- feelings of resentment, anger, feeling stuck, helpless, and also frustration towards him and myself.

It happened when a friend invited himself to cook at my place.  This friend, who I will call Will, messaged me out of the blue to say he wants to cook and is dying to learn some of my dishes. We had met 5 years ago at an event that I hosted, and we had struck up great conversation and had lots of laughs.  In truth, I don't know much about him or vice versa, but since he was so insistent on cooking together, I eventually said OK and then went shopping for all the groceries we would need for our weekend cook-fest.

Despite feeling stressed about all my schoolwork, I figured we'd spend about 3-4 hours cooking and eating together.  In the end, Will came and we cooked and we had a great time for about.. 5 hours. But then he stayed even after the dishes were cleared, after the dishes were washed, and after I packed him food to take home!  He invited himself to do his homework here.  And the whole time he talked on and on and on and on about his relationship woes and about what he wants with his life.

Don't me wrong, I love to hear what's happening with friends and to catch up. I love cooking too, and the combination of friends + food is usually heavenly for me!  But Will drained me.  Will's entire visit drained me. He didn't help much in the kitchen because he refused to touch raw meat. He didn't offer to help me with dishes (at least fake offer), and he invited himself to stay and ended up being in my place for 9 hours! I had to feed him dinner too, and when he left and took some food home, he didn't even say thanks.  That was the worst part.  He didn't even say thank you.

After Will left, I was infuriated with myself. I was so resentful and angry and frustrated-- all at myself.  Why was I such a good hostess even when I wanted him out of the house so that I could recharge by myself and do my work? Why did I continuously offer him more drinks and ask about his comfort when he was already overstaying his visit?  Why did I focus so much on his comfort rather than my own-- because I was damn well uncomfortable with him being here for SOOOOO long!

Those feelings are what I had with B., toward the end, the middle, and maybe even the beginning of the relationship.

I was NEVER fully comfortable with B.  He was always so picky, so nit-picky, so judgmental, so critical, so condescending, so insulting, so negative... I could never fully be comfortable because I was always wanting him to feel more content/comfortable/happy.  I always catered to his needs while feeling like I was walking on pins and needles myself.  Being with him was like holding my breath and continuously reminding myself: "Just do a good job, cater to his needs, and then when he leaves, then he'll be gone so you can focus on you!"  I always wanted a good ending; a good parting.  I wanted him to have an awesome experience so that when it's over, he will have positive memories.  I never considered myself in the equation-- my needs were on the back-burner... waiting until his needs are met and when he leaves-- that I can finally attend to myself.

The worst part of it all is the inconsistent and conflicting feelings I had inside and on the outside.  The more I resented him, the more I wanted out of the relationship, the more I realized how terrible he was as a human being... the more I catered to his needs.  As if I hadn't bent-over-backwards enough to begin with, I did it 10 times more once I realized how much I despised him in my heart.
The worse I felt on the inside, the more attentive I became to his needs.  Why? I don't know.  I have racked my head again and again and again, and I simply don't know.  All I can hypothesize is that I knew it would be over and I wanted a good ending.  I wanted some sort of harmony and positive memory before the chapter would end.

Also, I think I wanted to have no regrets.  I didn't want to walk away and wonder later if I could have tried harder.  I didn't want to regret not giving 100000% of myself at the end and wondering if it would have made a difference.

In this way, I suppose it makes sense that I ignore my needs and take care of others first. It's something I really want to work on and to eventually stop doing.  It's something I want to change because it's entirely unhealthy. I am split apart into 2 halves: both on extreme ends of the spectrum and both equally intense.  That inconsistency is not healthy and I want to have congruency.  I want my inside (feelings) to match my outside (expression/behavior). That's healthy.  That's wholesome.

Working out

I have been working out routinely for the past 3 weeks! Going to the gym, taking bootcamp courses, hiring a private instructor... this is all new for me!  In the past, I have hated working out.  I have avoided it at all costs, and I have had very very good reasons to!  My congenital health issues have made it hard to work out.  But having undergone surgery 10 years ago, I've since been able to do anything others can do.  I just... don't know how to do them.  Don't know how to use muscles that I haven't used before!

My decision to work out this time-- very proactively might I add -- is because I want to improve my relationship with myself.  I want to invest time, energy, resources, and hope in myself.  For so long, I've neglected myself, including what makes my body feel good, and what makes me feel good and healthy.  I am seeking out exercise for this reason, and this reason only.

What a stark contrast that is to my past goals!  Before, if/when I ever worked out, it would be for unrealistic goals of looking like a pageant queen in 4 weeks.  I worked out so that I could be skinnier, less chubby, more pretty, more attractive.  I motivated myself by thinking of the gym as a place of punishment: you are fat, you must burn it off.  I was extreme in my behaviors, and even worse, I placed unrealistic expectations toward the final outcome.  After 1 workout, I would want to see results.  I would expect to lose weight, or feel like my clothes are looser, or I would hope others would comment on me being smaller.  None of that happened by the way.  I would also be very restrictive in my eating, and eventually, when I didn't see results, I would give it all up and start binge-eating!  I'd eat everything I want without any control. Now that's extreme.

Which is why this time around, my whole workout journey/adventure is completely different. This time, I'm working out to reward myself, to focus on myself, to pay attention to my own needs (rather than someone else's).  I am carving time out of my schedule for me.  I am also making meals specifically for me. I don't have to compromise, sacrifice, or build up any resentment because of someone else.  I can eat what I want, work out when I want, and sleep whenever I want. It's absolutely wonderful and already, I feel health(ier), happ(ier), more hope-filled and more at peace than I have ever felt before.

My feelings of content are so strong these days.  It is probably because my lifestyle is SO different from when I was with B.  I no longer have to sleep very late because of him and his irregular sleep cycle. I also don't have to binge-eat large meals and then skip meals because he has strange eating habits that I can surely describe as disordered eating.  The content of my meals are also healthier! I can eat garlic, I can make things with tomatoes (which he hated), I can cut down on carbs and just eat protein (he wants rice with his meals when we make curry), and I can also decide what I want to do and when I want to do it without him being whiny, judgmental, or condescending.  That's been a very liberating change.  In the past, if I were to do fun things without him, B. would punish me afterwards by being mean, emotionally unpredictable, and even at times being purposefully provoking.  I distinctly remember when I left town to visit family during Winter Vacation last year.  I had spent a lot of time preparing for our family yard sale, and when I told him all about it, he had said, "Work? You work? You don't work, you're lazy."  We had a humongous fight over his insulting words, and he later confessed that he was upset that I was having fun with family while he was alone and doing his work.  Can you imagine anyone else more selfish? Keep in mind that when I left town, I invited him home with me and he chose not to come.  Furthermore, when I asked if he would miss me (because of course I would miss him), he said "No, I'll be too busy working because I have so much to get done."

Yeaaaaah OK. You're busy. You work hard. And everyone else bum around and do nothing. Enjoy your fantasy world and continue to torture yourself while we live happy, well-balanced lives.

In retrospect, I am soo happy to be single. I am so happy to be OUT of that relationship with B., and OUT of the dysfunction that he creates for himself.  GOOD RIDDANCE TO HIM and GOOD RIDDANCE to all his baggage as well. Yesterday was Valentine's day, and I can honestly say that it was one of the best days ever because I was very aware of how happy and content I felt being on my own and feeling liberated, empowered, and striving to be even more healthy and peaceful.

I'm continuing my goals to work on me and to improve my relationship with myself! Go, me!

Compassion

If I've gained anything from my relationship with B., it would be compassion.  Compassion toward others who are in unhealthy relationships, compassion for those who isolate, hide, and have shame in themselves, and in general, compassion for people who make decisions that aren't good for them.

I didn't have that compassion before.

I didn't have it for others because I could not understand the feelings they were experiencing, the internal conflict they were facing, and the indecisiveness.

I have memories of clients talking about infidelities and vowing to leave their abusive partners time and time again.  I remember feeling frustrated when they would return each week, disclosing how horrific their partners were and then doing nothing about it.  For me, it was frustrating and incomprehensible.  I used to think to myself:

  "We just spent 50 minutes talking about the awful things he has done to you.  Why isn't that enough motivation for you to leave?"

I felt sorry for my clients, sure.
I felt allied with my clients.
I felt frustrated for my clients and sometimes I felt like I knew exactly how they were feeling.

Unfortunately, I could not sustain that feeling for long because at some point, I would feel frustrated toward them. I'd feel annoyed that they weren't leaving. I mean, after so many sessions, they are still doing the same thing in their lives and not making any changes in their relationships. Looking back, no matter how much I wanted to help them, I think I lacked an understanding of what it is truly like to be in their shoes.

Today, I have newfound compassion; and it is still a process for me.  This compassion is not so much about other people, but more towards me, and then in turn, for others. Especially towards others, I find myself being less judgmental, less surprised about the choices they make, and more able to put myself in their shoes without thinking:

 "If it were me, I would probably do ____ (instead)." 

Instead, I am more able to accept people as they are without immediately thinking about how they can be better. I am more compassionate with others because I am (and still striving) to be more compassionate with myself. I am trying to be more understanding of why I dated B. to begin with, how I stayed for so long with him, and how I was able to give up everything I loved and believed in (e.g., friends, foods, my own values!) to be with him. I am trying to accept myself for all that I am: I am someone who is more ashamed than I would to be.  I am more judgmental than I'd like to be.  I am less accepting of myself than I thought I would be.  I'm trying and sometimes it's hard.  It's hard not to criticize myself endlessly for the bad decisions I have made.  It's hard to accept that when facing struggles, I can successfully deny reality and avoid problems until they are so big they swallow me whole.  It's hard to realize that my coping mechanisms aren't working and that I tend to emotionally eat.  It's hard to admit that I am sometimes lonely and feel incompetent and unworthy.

With all that said, realizing these parts of me-- even though they are parts I hate -- have helped me become more accepting of me.  At least I will admit these are problems that I have.  At least, I am open to accepting flaws in me rather than denying them altogether.  And by recognizing my flaws, I am also more able to accept others without judgment, and without wanting to "fix" them.  This compassion for others reminds me to be able to do the same for myself: Sit with myself, learn about myself, accept myself, and not necessarily do anything in the moment.  Just be.  Don't fix, just be.  At least for now.

Unexpected encounter/confrontation

A few weeks ago, I had dinner with friends-- some new and some old.  It was a small and intimidate dinner party and as we cleared the dishes, the boys headed straight to the TV while the girls hung around in the dining room talking and catching up.  As we talked, the topic of B. emerged.  Now, I have not been avoiding this topic recently. However, I have been avoiding one person in particular.

My friend/acquaintance Nicki is someone who actually warned me about B. when he and I first started dating.  About 6 months into the relationship, I had hosted a huge event and had introduced them to one another.  Afterwards, Nicki had come up to me to ask about the status of our relationship and to tell me that she knew him and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend.  She told me a lot of things that, at the time, seemed preposterous.  She talked about how much of a cheater he was.  She talked about seeing him flirt with other girls while he was with his ex-girlfriend.  She told me that he actually flirted with his ex-girlfriend's sister!  She told me a lot actually, and she was apologetic but very honest about it.  Nevertheless, as much as she said, I just couldn't wrap my head around it all. She said things that seemed impossible in real life (a soap opera maybe). Things that would make my stomach sick if it were to really happen to me. Things I couldn't imagine happening to anyone, much less myself.

Well, that feeling of being sick-to-my-stomach is now something I am experienced with.  I should have listened to her warnings.  Well, I did listen, but I decided to give B. the benefit of the doubt.  At the time, I persistently told Nicki that it couldn't be who B. is now. Maybe that was him before and maybe that was his dynamic with his ex-girlfriend (a girl who Nicki also said was a serial cheater!).  I told her that with B., I felt so loved and adored and wanted.  When we were together, he made me feel like no one else in the world existed.  I said that his passion for me was so clear, so salient, I couldn't possibly imagine him having any additional energy or time with anyone else other than me.  I couldn't even envision him giving anyone else that kind of intensity that he gave me.

About a year ago, probably around this time-- after I had found out the B. cheated on me and then forgiven him, I ran into Nicki again.  I'd been avoiding her, actually, and when she saw me, her first question was whether we were together. I felt so ashamed in so many ways.  I felt ashamed because:
1) I should have listened to her because everything she said came true.
2) I should have broken-up with him knowing now that he was a cheater
3) I should definitely be broken-up with him because he has now cheated on me.
4) I am still with him and I can't explain it to anyone else.  I don't even understand it myself.

So I dodged her questions and tried to avoid her altogether after that.  I didn't reach out to socialize.  I declined invitations. I was a no-show to general public outings that might have included her.  Simply put, I disappeared in all of my social circles during the last year of my relationship with B.

Around the time that B. and I broke up over the summer, I attended his graduation and I saw Nicki again.  It was both awkward and embarassing for me.  The look on her face made me feel so ashamed and so cheap.  I was there attending B.'s graduation ceremony too, and she could not believe we were together.  By then I was already so miserable.  It was during the month of May and I was already mentally checked-out, exhausted, and waiting for the final straw to break me.  I wanted to disappear into a hole because of how uncomfortable I felt.  Because it was during graduation, people surrounded us and herded us to take pictures.  Nicki-- and God bless her for her honesty-- flat out said to me (in a different language), "No. I do not want to take a picture with him.  I refuse and I won't do it. I want a picture with you, but not him. I will not take any photos with him in it." So of course, we quickly posed to get our shots, I expressed my congratulations to her and gave an excuse to skip the after-party... and then I fled the scene.

So now, here we are at this intimate dinner gathering and of course, the topic of dating comes up.  I'm telling some new girls that I'm recently single, and I'm trying to casually explain that we broke up because of cheating.  Nicki, of course, interrupts me to clarify if it's B. I'm talking about, and then to express her relief that we are finally over. She wants to know if it was because of cheating. She wants to know if her perceptions of him are as true as they were before.

It felt brutal, that conversation with Nicki.  I did not want to have that conversation there.  I did not want to share the details of my breakup there. And I did not want to confirm that everything she said was true. It's been hard enough to acknowledge that to myself.  It's even harder to do that with the person who actually warned you! The worst part was that I didn't want to do it there. Please, not there.  Not in front of new people, not in such a public setting, and not when I feel so vulnerable and raw and with no place to hide. This was not the kind of "let's get to know you" kind of conversation to have with acquaintances nearby too.  But there it was, out in the open.  And there I was, exposed.

Safe to say, it was very humiliating for me to talk about it, and even more humiliating when Nicki told all the girls what she knew about him from his previous relationship.  She added more details this time  which made it even more difficult to sit with.  She actually added a lot of information that I hadn't known before.  Details that were probably too graphic for me to hear, and that made me want to wretch. On the plus side, I'm glad she skipped the details when she told me the first time around-- I'm sure it was because she didn't want to freak me out.  On the negative side, however, I felt even dirtier and more ashamed than ever before. I wish she hadn't done it in that setting.  And part of me wishes she wouldn't give me the gory details.

But then she gave me another piece of information that I did not know before. Nicki told me that when we had that conversation years ago, when B. and I had just started dating and were in our honeymoon period, she had already seen him flirting with other girls. She had seen him flirting with other people already WHILE we were together.  This reality was not in the ex-girlfriend era.  It was in the present (when she told me what she knew). But she didn't want to tell me that then, so she had told me about other examples from his past to let me know about the type of person he was/is.  And silly me, here I was thinking, "oh, but that's his ex-girlfriend and she was psycho too! They have a different dynamic, it won't be like that with me!" So it was shocking to hear that in our relationship, as early as 6 months, he was cheating.  6 months-- when we, no, I was knee-deep in infatuation, he was already cheating.

I'm sick to my stomach again and I feel like I can take 20 showers and still feel dirty.