Weekdays

After spending weekends together with Jay, returning back on Mondays = sad reality check. Sundays are generally depressing. But strangely-- I think that I'm the only person that feels this way. He doesn't ever seem particularly sad or angsty when it comes to saying goodbye or missing me when we're apart.  I'm not wishing him sadness, of course. I wish he would at least have a little bit of a dismay when we part ways.

On Friday, I got there past dinnertime, so we went to a Mexican fast-food(ish) joint. We bought chocolates, candies and other necessities at a nearby store before meeting up with one of his friends to watch the 2nd installment of 300! It was great! I was on a high afterwards and wanted to kick ass! We didn't go to bed until 4am!

We woke up late Saturday morning and lounged around all day, watching more of the Twilight series and eating a delicious egg scramble made by Jay. In the afternoon, we went biking with 2 of his friends and overcame 10 miles! The weather was beautiful and it was so great to be outdoors!  Afterwards, we did some grocery shopping and some golf-related shopping so he can have all his equipment ready for golfing on Sunday. We ate paleo that night-- why? Because Jay wanted to! We cooked a spaghetti squash with marinara and ground beef and it was delicious! Afterwards, I was barely able to keep my eyes open...

On Sunday, we woke up groggy from all the late-night sleeping. Jay wanted to get some burgers for breakfast and I consented, even though I wanted to go grocery shopping at the local organic stores and eat at a salad bar. It didn't feel worth it to advocate for that. So, instead, we went to his favorite hamburger joint and I made a compromise with myself. I took the bread off of my sandwich and ate only meat. Paleo!  Afterwards, we did some more golf-related errands (even though all I wanted to do was go grocery shopping) so I can buy some goodies and head back home!

Over our burgers, Jay offered to lend me his key so that I can grocery shop even while he was golfing. I could return his set to his brother in the afternoon. I looked at him strangely and said that would be weird. I'd go with my back-up plan to take Mr. Z. with me and I would run into the grocery stores to grab what I want before driving back to my town. When I said that, he looked at me strangely and explained that if his brother didn't have a spare set of keys, he would have wanted me to keep a set, just because. As Jay spoke, his eyes burned into mine. I'd never seen such a serious look on his face before, one that said: "Don't think I've minimized your role or our relationship." The eye contact was so intense, and his face was so genuine, that I had to look away because I was so moved by him. I casually said OK even though my heart was pounding and I felt vulnerable and speechless. I couldn't believe Jay would let me have full access to his home while he was gone.  My traumatic experience of being with an ex-boyfriend/womanizer has done such a number on me. I just couldn't have imagined he'd let me have access to his home.  Having been with a serial cheater, I just assumed no guy would ever let me have complete and full access while he was gone!

Another super sweet thing Jay did was load up the cooler for me before he left for golf. Because it's a 2.5 hour drive back to my town, Jay bought some ice cubes and filled up his cooler before he left. He even wanted to help me load up the car, but I waved him off because he was already late!

After saying bye to him, I shopped and experienced such joy being back in hippy-dippy organic-food-carrying grocery stores. I love grocery shopping. Especially at stores that help me learn how to nourish my body. I had so much time on my hands too! I needed to give Jay's gate-opener back to his brother and he was busy so I had an additional hour to wander down each aisle. Afterwards, when Jay's brother arrived, we chatted for awhile and had deep conversations about his career plans and his relationship. We then decided to take both of our dogs to the dog park! In short, I spent 2-3 hours with Jay's brother and didn't really leave his town until the sun was about to set! By then, Jay was so surprised to hear how I spent the afternoon because he assumed I'd be home already! When I texted him pictures of some snacks I got him for the week: caramel popcorn, frozen blue curled kale, and a steak-- he responded with "I love you!" in his text to me.

Speaking of saying I love you... This weekend, I took a huge risk when Jay and I were laying in bed one night. As he murmured "I love you too" to me, I asked him at point-blank, "How do you know that you love me?"  His response was concise, direct, and left me with no words. He replied, with no hesitation:

1) "I like, no, I love spending time with you."
2) "I can be myself 100% when I'm with you."

"Oh," was all I could muster, before I cracked a joke to lighten the mood.

All in all, this was another significant weekend slash forward in our relationship.  This weekend, I got the key to his apartment. We talked about why he loves me. He also told me he loved me, proactively, and not as a response to me saying it first!  That's a big deal (to me!).

And now it's the weekday and I'm not seeing him for 2 weeks because of a work trip I'm taking this Saturday. It'll be like having 2 rounds of weekdays for the next 14 days!

Fridays!

Sometimes, I feel so homesick that my whole body curls up from the aching.

The feeling is so strong, but I can't even answer the questions: What is home? Where is home? Who is home?

There has been so much moving, relocating, changing in the last 3 years.

I've shuffled around the country...
My entire family has been bouncing around from country-to-country...
In fact, none of them are in this country, as we speak.

This homeless feeling I have makes my heart extra vulnerable to rejection and feeling displaced.

But, today is Friday, and as always, it's the most exciting day of the week.
I anticipate this day all week long. It is the day that either Jay comes, or I go.
This week, I'm going-- and that's actually more exciting to me than waiting for him to arrive. 

Going to Jay means I get to decide the timeline. I get to plan like I'm going on a vacation! The other major perk is that I get to leave in the end, meaning I'm not feeling the emptiness on Sunday after I wave him goodbye. I hate that feeling of being left. I prefer doing the leaving instead, not because I want to inflict the pain on someone else. It's not that. Leaving actually keeps me distracted since I'm forced to move forward and plan ahead instead of sit in my own fear.

Today is a rainy, thunderstorm-filled day. I feel nostalgic, reminiscent, homesick, and excited too. Again, so many mixed feelings!

In a few hours, I'll be heading down to Jay. I'll head home after work to pack for myself and Mr. Z and then we'll be off!  This weekend, I intend to challenge myself to tell Jay the things I like to do and don't like to do.  No more TV marathons or eating fried, unhealthy foods that I simply do not prefer. Well, there might still be some. I'm not sure how I'll go about telling him yet. Or if I'll be able to successfully convey that without backing down later.

How to spend time together

How do normal couples spend time together?  -- Probably not stuck at the hip during the weekends, right?

So far, that's how Jay and I have spent our time together. After a week of not seeing each other, we spend weekends completely immersed with each other with zero time apart. We sleep, eat, socialize, shop, and watch TV together.

As great as it is to be full-time cuddlers, this kind of bonding doesn't allow either one of us to have weekends doing things we would usually do. For him, that might be golfing with colleagues or riding his bike at 6am.  For me, that includes shopping and taking Mr. Z. on long walks or finding ways to be outdoors.

It's a strange feeling, being really content with someone while also feeling bored with your activity together. I feel terrible to be using the word bored, but that is how I feel when we're lying on the couch for hours: watching tv show after tv show (albeit, together).  All of last year, I lived without a TV! Being in front of the boob tube all weekend feels like the biggest waste of time to me and I'd much rather be doing something interactive together like an art project or some sort of physical activity. I've even wondered if we can take a couple of hours apart from each other before coming back together. He can watch TV if he wants, but I can do something that's going to make me feel productive about my weekend and also happy?

How would I request this?
AND
How do normal couples who spend their day-to-day with each other, spend their weekends?
How do couples who have long-distance weekdays spend their weekends together? Are you obligated to do everything together?

Finding inspiration

I've returned to scouring the interwebs for cool food blogs.

Specifically, I've been looking for raw, vegan blogs that showcase vivid, colorful, unprocessed food in their natural state. Raw zucchini lasagnas, eggplant towers, homemade sushi...

Picture after picture, I have felt inspired and rejuvenated to return to my previous lifestyle of eating clean. I can do it!

Silence = rejection?

Whenever I don't hear from someone, I envision they are actively trying to cut me out of their lives.
OR
That might seem too narcissistic, so sometimes I imagine that they don't think of me at all. You know the saying: "out of sight, out of mind."

Both scenarios SUCK because I am either a nuisance or too marginal to be considered. In short, silence frightens me because the list of options are exactly that:

1. You are actively and purposefully ignoring of me.
2. You easily forgot about me and can't be bothered to remember that I exist.

Both scenarios have happened with the same person: my first love! So, it's really not an unrealistic fear because they've both been my reality.

Today, I didn't hear much from Jay and I assumed the same. I thought to myself, "OK. He's seen you in every possible setting and is officially sick of you."

I envisioned him picking up his phone, looking at a text I sent, and then choosing to ignore it and do something else instead. That is scenario 1.

Scenario 2 is him being busy-- so busy that he hasn't looked at his phone all day and doesn't even think to do it because in his mind, it doesn't matter if I'm trying to contact him. He hasn't thought of me, so he's not  concerned about being in touch at all.

I was sad thinking about both scenarios but I plowed forward to do my work, cook dinner, and hang out with Mr. Z.

Around midnight, Jay texted to say he's been working all night. He then called to ask how my day's been, and then told me all about his busy busy day. He told me what he's planning for the rest of the week, he told me little details of today, like what he's eaten and what he fantasizes eating. He also told me he broke a spoke on his bicycle wheel (What's a spoke?) and then shared a funny story about a party that happened a few years ago with his professors and one of his colleagues.

As he shared these random tidbits, my heart calmed. My spirit slowly landed back on the ground. My sadness and anxiety slowly dissipated, and instead, laughter and warmth filled my soul. I thought to myself, "oh, I'm not invisible and I do matter to him."

Little by little, Jay has been fixing my dysfunctional, unhealthy, anxiety-ridden heart and giving me corrective experiences so that I am a little less broken than before.

With his phone call tonight, he showed me that he can be busy and still want me. There can be silence but it doesn't necessarily mean he is ignoring me or forgetting me. Apparently, silence isn't always a sign of rejection or abandonment. It doesn't always foreshadow impending loss and pain. Silence isn't always permanent.

He's seen all of me

I had quite a significant weekend with Jay.

On Friday, he arrived in the late afternoon to join me for a bowling event, where he met my colleagues and trainees. It's the first time my romantic life has ever intersected with work.  Afterwards, students came up to me and expressed their surprise at my personal life, because they didn't know I had a partner! Later, we went to a buffet with my friend Gina and stuffed ourselves until we could eat no more! We rounded out the night with some grocery shopping in preparation for Saturday's party, and then headed home to go to bed!  We were pooped!

On Saturday morning-- I snuck out of bed early and began making peanut butter doggy cookies for Mr. Z. Today was the big day! Mr. Z. was having his 5-year-birthday-party and I had invited 10 of my friends along with 5 of their dogs!  When Jay stumbled into the kitchen sleepily, I roped him into helping me! For the next 4 hours, we rolled out homemade dough int 120+ cookies shaped like gingerbread dolls, stars, clovers, and hearts. Afterwards, I got started on making Mr. Z.'s cake while Jay channel surfed until he found a twilight marathon. Yes, that was exactly how we spent the rest of the weekend-- we watched the twilight marathon session!

At some point, I made us leave the house in a hurry to pick up last-minute groceries before the party. I asked Jay if he wanted to join me in the shower but was rejected. Why? I don't know! It wasn't meant to be a sexual request. I just thought it'd be fun, intimate, and cozy. But he rejected me in the nicest way possible, saying it would mean we would never leave the house, which simply was untrue. I was super disappointed but tried to recover my pride and ego in the shower -- alone. Then we went shopping, buying last-minute but crucial things, like a BBQ grill (haha)! We returned home in time for Jay to piece it all together while I put the finishing touches on the cake. Then he seasoned the meat while I wrapped up goody bags for all the human and doggy guests.

As guests arrived, I got to say hi and entertain while Jay ran in and out of the house, grilling, cutting, making pico de gallo, and basically making all of the food. He was an amazing host who maintained his role behind the scenes even though he basically did it all. I mean, what's my measly hummus compared to his fajitas, hot dogs, and pico de gallo? As he worked hard, I played with babies, greeted my friends and their pets, and did whatever Jay needed when he asked for my assistance.

At one point, 2 of my girlfriends asked me how serious I considered our relationship to be. On a scale of 1-10, what would I rate our relationship?  With some probing, I concluded it was an 8.  Not a 9 because that would seem too serious for a less-than-6-month-relationship; and definitely not a 7 because we've already met each others' parents, for goodness sake! Melanie asked if I think he's THE ONE because she was able to tell in month 3 of dating, that her husband was meant to be. She just knew. "It felt different than the rest" she said. "It just fit" was how she summed it up.

I'd say all of her comments are true in my case.  Jay is special, he feels different from the rest, and we fit just right as well.  

In fact, while we were making cookies that morning, he mentioned something about Cinco de Mayo. I asked him what was happening that day, and he said that a good friend of his generally throws an awesome party each year to celebrate the holiday. Without waiting for him to ask me, I took a risk and disclosed that this day has made me nauseous for the last 4 years because that is the anniversary date of when I caught B. cheating on me.  In response, Jay goes: "Well, I guess this means I have to make this year's cinco de mayo extra special for you, right? If that's the message I'm getting, then guess what? Challenge accepted! I will make this day so awesome that you never have to feel nauseous about it again." I had to hold my breath because I was so moved by what he said. He literally took my breath away.

On Sunday, Jay and I slept almost until noon and then he cooked us brunch using the leftovers from the BBQ the night before. We finished watching the rest of the twilight marathon and laid on the couch the entire day. At some point, we talked about martial arts and I made him teach me how to throw people down! We wrestled for a good while and I laughed so hard that my stomach hurt. When he finally had to go, I felt this giant hole fill my heart. The void remained all night and the morning after until I finally left home to immerse myself into my work life 16 hours later.

Yes, that was the only was I was able to cope.

Is this normal? Do others have difficulty letting go of their partners when the weekend ends? As Jay was packing up last night, I told him that every time we say goodbye to each other, it feels like reality slapping me in the face because it's the end of vacation time. He agreed but said he had tons of work to do, which I completely understand. In fact, I offered to also drive down to visit him next weekend. I had a moment of panic, actually-- panic that he would say: "I'm too busy next weekend, so I won't be seeing you anymore."  Instead, he said he'll likely come for 2 days instead of 3-- and for some reason that still made me feel nervous, so I rambled on a bit about driving down to him and doing work together.

Sigh. Insecurity, I hate you, please leave me alone.

As Jay grabbed the last of his things and headed out the door, we kissed and I told him to let me know when he gets home. He promised he wouldn't forget and then got in his car and drove off. All my lightheartedness, excitement, fun-ness, and good mood also drove off with him, and I've been missing him ever since.


This weekend was pretty monumental for me. He has now seen every single aspect of me that there is to see: my friends, my work life, my style when it comes to throwing a party, my love for Mr. Z... and he's met my parents. What else is there? He's seen it all and I've got nothing left to hide. I'm officially at my most vulnerable now because he has the upper hand to decide if he wants out of this relationship.

He can now make an informed decision to leave me.

Separation anxiety

Dogs have separation anxiety, children have separation anxiety, but adults?

I feel so hollow each time Jay leaves me my place.
That emptiness affects me so much so that I'm useless and non-functioning.
I generally go to sleep whenever he leaves, waking up anxiously and intermittently to check to see if he's texted me to let me know he has gotten home safely.

On days that Jay leaves, I'm always unsure of what to do with myself: I'm aimless, purposeless, and it's pathetic because I'm a professional with TONS to do.  But when Jay enters the picture (and leaves), it's like I never existed before him.

He left around 6:30pm last night and I climbed onto the couch to watch TV.
I fell asleep and woke up freezing, so I fumbled my way into the bedroom and went to bed... for the entire night.
For 12 hours!!!

That was how avoidant I was about his absence.

Permission to be myself

Given how intense my emotions have been, I decided I needed some good self-care and contacted my therapist for some tele-therapy.

I felt so much better after that conversation. My therapist, Angel, let me cry, voice my frustration without judgment, and then she helped me contextualize my feelings. She helped me understand why my reactions have felt so explosive, and to see its connection with deeper-rooted issues.

1. I miss my family, period.  And no matter how unfair it is that I'm putting it onto Jay (or even other friends), the fact of the matter is I feel displaced and I'm looking to fill that void and establish that connection everywhere.
2. I am an organized person that needs a lot of clarity. People communicate differently and it's OK to ask people for more details. Ask! Putting myself out there to have my needs met is better than preserving an image and restricting myself until I can no longer handle having my needs be minimized and I explode with questions. But I'm scared of asking.
3. I have made a lot of sacrifices (consciously or unconsciously) and am trying to understand if those sacrifices are "worth it." I'm trying to understand if my decisions (e.g., moving here!) are the right decisions. I'm unsure, scared, and fearful of past, present, and future decisions I have to make and the sacrifices that come along. For example: Would I choose to permanently stay here because of my relationship with Jay?
4. I adapt easily to accommodate peoples' wants, desires, and preferences. I can anticipate ahead of time what they want and mold myself accordingly. Consequently, I haven't been able to "be myself" in any circumstance. Not professionally, not in my romantic relationship, not even with friends given their overlap with my work. 
5. I live in constant fear of being rejected. I am terrified that something ugly about me will be discovered and I will be abandoned-- with no explanation. That's how my 1st relationship ended and I have since held-on to the assumption that there is something inherently "wrong" with me. I don't know what "it" is, but it's the only thing I can explain for when I try to understand the sudden break-up in my first relationship.

At the end of our session, Angel asked me to think about my life history and to recall when I've had permission to be myself.

Permission to be myself? 

100% me?

Her question stumped me and I realized that I have never felt like that was a possibility. Bam! 

I hadn't know that was how I lived my entire  life. I hadn't known that everything I know about relationships is how to compartmentalize and show only certain parts of myself with particular people.  It's no wonder I have a gajillion friends and yet still feel lonely sometimes. I can adapt to any social group I want and it's because I can identify with certain aspects of people or a group of people. 

But ask me if I've been able to be completely, wholly 100% of myself in a particular group or even with one friend?-- and I don't know if I could say yes to that question.

I don't think I've ever felt like I could be 100% of myself with my parents, either. Definitely not my father, and probably not my mother, if I'm being truly honest. Wow.

Disappointment

How do you prepare from being disappointed by your partner?

I tentatively asked Jay about his upcoming plans because I have a possible social event happening during the same week he'll have vacation time. He texted back to say he'll be going to his parents' home for the weekend but would love to attend such an event with me.

What a nice response.  How disappointing it was for me.  I felt momentarily devastated that he didn't say: "Come home with me for a few days!"

I'm also confused because I don't get why he would "love to" attend an event with me when he obviously has already made important plans!

I'm utterly disappointed which means I had a lot of hope.  I didn't know I had such hopes!  That's the most surprising part. So now I'm kicking myself for having been this hopeful. What the heck was I thinking?! Did I assume that by meeting his parents, he's now going to want to invite me to his childhood home? (secret answer = yes). While I'm partly mad at him, I'm so mad at myself for having an unrealistic expectation. I couldn't respond to his message, actually. It took me a few hours before I could provide a nonchalant text.

So, it's been hours later and I still feel crestfallen. This is why I should have continued to maintain the distinction between I" from "we" and "he" from "me."  He made plans for his vacation and didn't include me. It's perfectly  fine-- people should be able to make plans without each other, especially to hang out with their families!

I'm just disappointed because my expectations were obviously so different.  How mortifying.

Planning for 2

It's still hard to believe I have a boyfriend/partner.
That is because for me, having a boyfriend means being able to plan for 2.
That's my dictionary definition! Having a boyfriend/partner = being a "we."
Up until now, I have not thought of us as a "we"-- as one entity.

I have made plans solo; and then afterwards, asked if he wanted to join.
I have not assumed his plans include me.
I have worked hard to distinguish him from me; and his from mine.

I've been hurt too many times in the past when I too quickly assumed that there was a "we."
I entered a relationship too excited, overly vulnerable, and then inevitably heartbroken.
I'd want to expose them to everything in my world and to want to know about theirs. Meet my friends, meet my family, get to know me.  Introduce me to your friends, your family, let me get to know you!

I've been emotionally slapped in the face one too many times so that now I take 3 steps, just in case.

Today, I took a risk.
Jay's spring break is coming up and I'm unsure if his plans include me.
I am currently making some plans for during that time and feeling unsure if he or "we" will be doing anything.
I texted him 10 minute ago and have not heard back.
My heart is pounding.
I just jeopardized all that I've done to protect myself and my vulnerability. Ugh.

Hiding my needs

I went to a conference last week and had an impromptu reunion with friends.  We had deep discussions about relationships and I realized how much I continue to hold back parts of myself from my partner.

Take eating, for example.  For the last 2 years or so, I have mostly been eating a non-gluten, low carb diet. It has been called paleo, given it is mostly "cavemen" foods, such as meat, berries, leafy green vegetables, and some fruits. With consistent exercise and a balanced diet, I've lost some weight and gained muscle.  I've been in the best shape of my life and felt leaner, more energized, motivated, and confident.  But enter the dating scene and all of my self-care has gone out the window.

Especially since Jay, I've had zero self-control in my eating habits. In fact, I've been stuffing my face with no restraint.

A little bit about Jay and what he likes: Jay loves eating pizza, especifically thin-crust pepperoni. His comfort food is cheeseburger from fast-food place. Other favorites include biscuits with gravy and fried chicken. With most meals, he generally orders a diet coke. At times, we drive to gas stations where he'll pick up a sports drink and a bar of chocolate (usually a Butterfinger). He has a sweet tooth for all things sugar-y, including sour candies and most definitely chocolates.

Since being with him, I've gained 10 pounds. That means my clothes feel tight, my energy level is low, my body feels out-of-whack, and I generally feel down about physical presentation.

Now, Jay doesn't force me to eat the way he does. But when we talk about options for dining, his preferences are generally his options for me.  In turn, I feel stuck, so I say "whatever you want" and I usually end up eating terribly unhealthy and feeling miserable in my body. He has no idea, of course.

It's my fault for not speaking up. At 11pm the other night, he suggested getting biscuits and gravy from a fast-food drive-through.  I freaked-out in my head because all I wanted an egg so that I could fill-up on lean protein before going to bed. But for fear of disappointing him, I consented to his decision. So, at 1130pm, we ate biscuits, gravy, jam/jelly, and soda. I probably put on 5 pounds just from that meal.

My friend pointed out to me that I can easily have said no and offered to make myself an egg even if he wanted to go to a drive-through. It's OK to have different eating habits, she said, and to assert my needs.

Assert them?
That was when I realized that I don't even voice them!

I hide my voice for fear of what he thinks about the real me!

"Ask and you shall receive"

In the last few weeks, I've begun asking for more from Jay-- not materially, but emotionally.
I've been taking more risks with my heart, and hoping he will be able to accept me-- emotionally.
I've started to tell him things that I feel. 
For example, when he asks about my day, I have begun to provide more details rather than a cursory overview.

I'm also less scared of boring him. 
Slowly, I've been sharing with him, my hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
I've told him about foods I want to cook, dishes that I want to make, and in these ways, I'm letting him see a glimpse into my future plans.

I've also been sharing with him my negative feelings, like disappointment and frustration. 
I've been homesick these last two weeks and missing my family, immensely. For the first time ever, I told him last night how stressed I feel, and how overwhelming the semester currently feels for me.

All of these disclosures may seem like minor details to share, but they feel significant to me. What's even more surprising has been that the more I share with Jay, the more I've been able to receive.

"I miss you. Can we skype?"
"Of course!"

"I love you."
"I love you too."

"Please text me when you get there so I know you're safe, OK?"
"OK. I promise. I will."

"I'd love to throw Mr. Z a birthday party. Are you free next weekend to spend it with us?"
"Of course I would! What does Mr. Z. want as a gift?" 

I've asked and I've received.
This must be what a good relationship is all about.
It definitely lives up to the hype.

One-way relationships

Earlier tonight, I called Jay to say hi. He had just hung up the phone with his mom, and said that she inquired whether I liked them because they really liked me! They hoped I felt the same way because they wanted to leave a positive impression on me!

I was so happy to hear that his parents loved me; and very surprised that they cared about my feelings. 

You see, in my culture, there's no such thing as older generations caring for the opinions of younger generations.  My parents' generation would never inquire whether their children's prospective partners liked them.  No way.  The evaluation is a one-way street, a top-down approach marked by seniority, respect, power, and generation status.  Never in a million years would my parents ask me what Jay thinks about them.  It's not personal, of course.
They're not against Jay nor do they dislike him. However, they would never care to ask what Jay thinks of them because it has no bearing on anything. All that matters is their opinion, end of story.

This cultural difference between our families has me reflecting on my relationships. Especially with older men in the past, I've submitted myself to them with great deference. From a cultural standpoint, I am a younger, Asian woman who despite identifying as a feminist, also subscribes to traditional gender roles at times.  I enjoy that feeling of taking care of my man. I feel a great sense of pride cooking for him, helping him make decisions about domestic issues (e.g., what shirt to get), and being responsible for his health and well-being.  I value my female identity, my nurturer identity, and my womanhood. I get way more satisfaction out of that than than my career identity. Note: Some may discredit me altogether at this point.  But it's who I am, and I get to make that choice. For that reason alone, I still see myself as a feminist.

When matched with the wrong person, such as in relationships when I've been taken advantaged of, my deference toward my male partner, often my older partner (my supposedly-wiser partner), my cultural identity becomes abused. I focus entirely on what he wants, what he thinks, what he likes, and I completely forget that I even have needs. It becomes a one-way relationship focused solely on the other party's perspective rather than balancing the desires of two people in the relationship.

I've mentioned before that I hate the term "co-dependency," "love addition," or whatever word that assumes full responsibility on the individual. Hearing Jay talk about his parents today confirmed that much of my beliefs have also been culturally-based, and not entirely about me being pathological.

My deference is cultural, as is my submissiveness, gender role adherence, and focus on pleasing the other person.  If I can see myself from a cultural perspective, I can also see strength, resilience, and opportunities to experiment in different cultural contexts.

Wow! How empowering that is, and how liberating.  Having had this experience with Jay and his family, I am learning, experientially, and in-the-moment, that I also have a voice and opinion. My perspective also matters! I get to have a say in the relationship as well.

It's so refreshing to know that I matter, my thoughts, opinions, and voice matters, and that people want to hear them. 

I have a voice that can be heard.
I have an opinion that can be spoken.
I have thoughts that are genuinely interesting to others.
My perspective is valued.
I am valued.
And in turn, I am worthy.

A taste of family

In spite of a great weekend, I still feel anxious. There's even more to lose now than before.

I am officially head-over-heels in adoration of both Jay and his family.

During one of our car rides to lunch, I remember sitting in the car together wondering what it would be like if they were my in-laws someday.  I know, I know. Dramatic and over-thinking it?  Definitely. But I tend to live in the future, sometimes. Well, only in relationships and wondering about their future.

I think this is also a reminder of how much I miss my family: my mom, dad, brother, grandparents, that feeling of "home" and being taken care of.

When Jay's parents arrived, they brought a carload full of frozen foods, snacks, and two gigantic packages of toilet paper for both of their sons. They brought, basically, the same things my parents would bring: critical ingredients and flavors from home.

Parents: they take care of you, provide basic needs for you when you're a child, and continue to know (ahead of time) what essentials you will need when you're all grown up.  There aren't enough odes to parents! Although there is no perfect parent, I do think that mine and the ones I know -- are generally self-sacrificing, generous, and completely devoted to their children's well-being.

I mean, don't get me wrong. parents can still mess you up. They can also be well-intentioned at the same time.

Meeting his parents

I had the best experience meeting Jay's parents.

I arrived late Friday night with the intention of leaving Saturday night so that his parents could stay with him. But after dinner together on Saturday night, they insisted that I stay overnight with Jay while they get a hotel room. They thought it was too late to drive the 2.5 hour trip and did not want to disrupt our weekend together. They called me "family" while we were together and emphasized safety.

Jay's parents also treated me like family throughout. Momma Jay offered me a small bottle of face cream that she has used her entire life. She also offered me an orange from their ranch, peanut cakes, and the most delicious chorizo from their hometown. Papa Jay paid for all of our meals together, and throughout the weekend, they loved Mr. Z., and we had the best conversations about pets, cooking, recipes, family experiences. We laughed a lot. They later told Jay to bring me home so that I could experience their hometown. I had been feeling homesick throughout this week and being with Jay's family was perfect! I adore being with both parents and also his his younger brother. It felt so... harmonious. Yes, that's the word.

We spent the better half of Sunday lounging. We parked ourselves in front of Jay's brother's TV, watching movies, eating ice cream, and chatting in-between. Every now and then his mom would disappear into his bedroom to take a nap. Meanwhile, Jay and I dozed on-and-off, waking up intermittently to eat snacks and play with the dog. The entire weekend was unexpectedly comfortable and so much fun. I couldn't have wished for a better experience! I even told Jay on Sunday night that I might adore his parents more than him.

P.S. In addition to all that family time together, Jay and I had a lot of sex this weekend. Morning, night, in bed, on the sofa, on the exercise ball...  it seriously doesn't get better than this and I am now going to have a difficult time returning back to reality.

Having shared values

I'm heading over to Jay's tonight and in the morning, his parents will be driving into-town. What will this weekend be like? I've been stressing out about the living arrangement ever since last week!

With his parents in-town:

• Should I still sleep over? 
• If so, how would we (all 4 of us) sleep in a 1-bedroom apartment?
• Can I bring Mr. Z again?

Jay had replied yes to my 1st question last weekend, but I've still been confused. Fortunately, I checked-in with him last night to ask about Mr. Z and to ask if I should sleep over on Saturday. His response:

"I think it might be best if we just did Friday night. At least for the first time you meet my parents. Is that OK?"

Um, yes. Absolutely, yes. I'd prefer it that way, actually. The last thing I want is to have his parents think of me as some loose girl who sleeps over easily with boys. How mortifying. Especially in my culture, their perception of me would also reflect on my family as well. That is simply unacceptable if they judge my family by association. Also, I can't imagine all 4 of us (plus Mr. Z) in a small apartment staring at each other throughout the weekend.

Still, I am a teeny disappointed that he doesn't want me to stay the entire weekend. I have mixed feelings of course, but I'm mostly relieved. Without being consumed by anxiety, I also have feelings of gratitude! It's so nice to have shared values with the person you're dating-- especially because this is a fundamental value, right? How to introduce your parents to your boyfriend/girlfriend?

Double-dating with brothers

One of the best parts of yesterday was spending time with Jay's brother and his girlfriend, Cathy. They joined us toward the later part of the night so we had dinner together. They've been in a 3-year long-distance relationship so Cathy has had extensive history with both brothers and their parents! She talked at length about how great their parents were, and how excited she was for me to meet them this weekend. As though I wasn't already secretly excited, her enthusiasm was got me even more pumped! I couldn't be happier luckier that Cathy will be in town so that we can spend time with their parents together.

Toward the end of dinner, I excused myself to go to the restroom and Cathy asked to join me. In that short amount of time, she detailed to me, her relationship history with Jay's brother and their plans to be reunited in the next half-year. She also asked about Jay and my plans for the future, to which, I couldn't answer her question.

All I could say was that our relationship is new and I'm not sure what the future holds. Having been in my predicament in her relationship, Cathy expressed empathy and said that it was similar when she first met jay's brother. She exhibited such excitement for our relationship, exclaiming how cute we were as a couple and how evident it is that Jay and I like and enjoy being with each other.

While we were in the restroom, I also blurted out to Cathy how intimidating it is to date Jay given his previous relationship being 10 years-long! How do you follow something like that? Cathy's reaction was magnificent though. At first, she was surprised that it was such a long courtship between them. Then she added, "oh, but she was a bitch!"

As petty, un-feminist, and embarrassing as it is to admit-- I was so pleasantly surprised to hear such a negative reaction of Jay's ex Apparently, based on Cathy's report, Jay's ex-girlfriend was quite vulgar and would curse in front of their parents! Of course, I can't confirm if that's actually true. However, it is quite appalling to imagine such a level of disrespect. Additionally, it's nice to have something to be able to differentiate myself from her; knowing I could never do or say anything like that.  

But then again, I also wondered if anyone would ever describe me that way: vulgar.  I want to say no, but my humor can be pretty crude and my jokes can be perverted. Is that the same as vulgar? I hope not! I'd really like to be different from his last girlfriend.

Cathy was very expressive about wanting to spend more time together to talk about the brothers. Her openness, friendliness, and enthusiasm was contagious and fun. She already feels like a little sister and at the end of the night, my friends remarked she could be my potential and future sister-in-law. They were joking when they said this of course-- but my heart skipped a beat and I wondered about the possibilities...  I do love double dates and group outings; and yesterday was the best of everything and more.

The upcoming weekend is quickly approaching and I am so excited to spend time with what could potentially be my future family. (Is that so exaggerated and dramatic?) I am pretty embarrassed and excited at the same time.

Being taken care of

I celebrated an entire day of festivities with my friends and Jay yesterday.  I've never partied with a boyfriend before. In fact, it's amazing not to date an alcoholic (ahem, B.). There was no need to worry about anyone engaging in self-destructive or other-destructive behaviors. In fact, I was able to let-down my guard to have a good time. I even let myself get a little tipsy and allowed him to take care of me!

Jay took care of me in so many ways that I felt warm and fuzzy:

1. He let me wear his raincoat all day even though he must have been cold in his measly little windbreaker in almost-freezing temperature.
2. He zipped me in-and-out of his raincoat whenever the temperature changed.
3. We shared drinks and he held hold our beverage the whole time because my hands were cold and he was wearing gloves.
4. He let me run around, jump up & down-- all the while watching from behind and being a secure base for me to return toward.
5. He also got some great throws from the celebration and gave me all his goodies!
6. Towards the end of the night, when we progressively drank more, he held onto me to make sure I wouldn't fall.
7. He drove in from one hour away to party with us; and then drove home almost 18 hours later by his lonesome.
8. He paid for dinner, as he always does.

It was so hard to say goodbye to Jay at the end of the night-- especially knowing he would be driving alone for the next hour while I had my group of friends for company. When we drove to drop him off at his car, I leaned over, kissed him, and told him those 3 little words again. He responded with "I love you too" before planting a kiss on my lips and then thanking my pals for the drop-off. When he climbed out of the car, I figured he'd give one final wave to me before walking off.  Instead, he leaned in for a goodbye kiss, after which he returned to say: "just one more kiss" before his lips claimed mine again. My heart fluttered and melted at the same time, and I metaphorically felt like putty in his hands.

As we headed back home, I fell asleep throughout the 1.5 hour drive back, feeling enveloped in love, affection, and being taken care of. I was so content, warm, and fuzzy, and I thought to myself, "I have the best boyfriend in the entire world." I can't believe I'll be meeting his parents this upcoming weekend and I'm so excited to see where he came from and the people who made him so special!

Pandora's box

SPOILER: The essence of this entry is not to facebook-stalk your romantic interest.

So, I may have opened Pandora's box by clicking my way through facebook.

Since getting back from Jay's this weekend, his friends and I have been adding each other on Fb and I've been privy to seeing pictures of Jay and his life.  Since Jay deactivated his facebook account, this is the only glimpse I have into his life!

Picture after picture, I've been able to see images of him throughout the years! 2014, 2012, 2009... Suddenly, I see pictures of him and his ex-girlfriend.  Couple-y pictures, fun pictures. But even more uncomfortable are pictures of them in his living room-- the exact living room I was in, and the exact sofa I was sitting on, merely 24 hours ago.

I feel nauseous seeing those pictures and wonder if that is the reason he isn't on facebook anymore. Is it because he still likes her and can't bear to see pictures of her on Fb? Although their breakup was amicable, does keeping each other's pictures on fb have any additional emotional meaning on either one of their parts? I mean, they've been in each other's lives for the last decade.  DECADE! How do you erase one another out of your lives, just like that? How do you stop feeling for that person, especially if the break-up wasn't painful whatsoever?

What's to stop them from getting back together?
Is it only a matter of time before Jay realizes he wants to be back together?

I'm not sure if my mind is running away or if I'm onto something scarily true.  When I saw those pictures, I experienced the same emotional reaction as seeing emails that B. had written other women when I caught him cheating on me.  It's the same exact feeling, as though I've been betrayed. My heart feels like it literally dropped down, split open and there's no air to be found.

I can't breathe.

If love is like a drug...

If love is like a drug, then spending the weekend with Jay is like getting my fix.  Once I get my dose, then it's no more anxiety, no more insecurity, no more fear.  Once I'm with him, my heart is at peace. My body is relaxed. I even find myself sleeping better, which is strange because I have never slept well with anybody in the past.

This past weekend with Jay re-charged me so that I feel only contentment and stability.

Friday night, I arrived late and we got to spend some time hugging and kissing before we ran some errands for Saturday's party. I was exhausted and it was so great to go to bed together.

Early Saturday morning, we woke up so he could make his infamous pico de gallo while I showered and got dressed for the party. We spent the next 12 hours partying with his friends: drinking, eating, laughing, dancing... I basically met all of his friends and he later told me they all liked me! One of the other girls also told me in-secret that Jay must really like me. At the beginning when we first started dating, he would reveal nothing to them, other than "her name is Sher." They doubted my existence until I met them at another event a few months ago, and had thought "wow, she's pretty too!"  (NOTE: This is the best compliment I've ever gotten-- ever!). Jay's friend added that he talks about me all the time these days and is never in town because he is driving to see me. She asked if I would occasionally drive to them so we can hang out, and she joked that Jay should share my contact information so they can contact me to do fun things together. Granted, she was in a drunken haze while she was speaking, but it was still so flattering and so exciting that she kept saying how cool I am, and how much she wants Jay to bring me around more.

While we were celebrating on Saturday, I learned a lot about Jay. He fell from a porch in the middle of the celebration and rolled onto the grass before jumping back on his feet and climbing back onto the porch pole. It was such a slow-motion fall, and his return was so fast that people didn't have time to react (Jay often gets hurt so he's mastered the art of falling, and even during his fall, I felt only helplessness and also a bit of awe). It was the first time I've seen Jay so proud. I've always thought he was less focused on ego, but his fall showed me exactly where his sense of self-concept is. When people rushed over to see how he was doing, he held his hand up as to say, "back off NOW" and very quickly returned to his original position back onto the porch. While subtle, it was his pride saying, pay no attention here!-- and he was loud and clear. His silence was intimidating and my maternal instincts had to jump back so that all I said was: "are you OK?" and then backing off completely. I later told Jay about my perception of him, to which he repeated: "yup, that's why I think you totally get me."

After an entire day of festivities, Jay and I also ended up making love-- and I say that phrase specifically because I actually said the 3 little words in the middle of that activity.  I'm quite embarrassed by it because I've always thought that saying such intimate words during the act was somewhat lame.  But I did it, and it came out impulsively, assertively, and without apology. In the middle of our lovemaking, I had grabbed his face and said, "honey, I love you" without worrying about his reaction; and just as quickly as those words came out, he replied, "I love you too."  It was lovemaking, and it was just me and him in the world. Afterwards, we slept for about 11 hours because we were so exhausted!

On Sunday, we spent the day lounging at home, eating omelets he made, watching tv shows we liked, and then having dinner with his brother and brother's girlfriend. I left later at night and continued to feel secure, probably because I know when I'll see him next and because he has invited me to meet his parents! The plan for this upcoming week is this:

• Tomorrow, I'm seeing Jay because the celebrations reign on and we are meeting mid-way so that he can celebrate with me and my friends this time around. 
• I'm also driving down this weekend to see Jay because his mom and dad are coming and he would like me to meet them!

I'm exhausted, excited, and relieved all at the same time. I'm so tired that I slept 9.5 hours after driving home last night; and even then, I still feel utterly drained. The sheer exhaustion must be due to the accumulation of last week's anxiety and the week before.