My resolution for the upcoming year (and remaining days of this month) is to go on an adventure! The journey I'm embarking on is self-exploration, and it is the start of what will certainly be a life-long quest to having a better understanding of me.
With all the intense processing and grieving I've been going through, I have decided that it is time to stop analyzing myself with a critical eye. I mean, self-analysis and self-reflection is good. But it's time to stop being judgmental, condemning, and condescending to myself.
For as long as I can remember, I've been a reflective person in the sense that I am really good at scrutinizing myself. I actually take the time to deal with questions that I have for myself, which have to do with: "How did I mess that up? What did I do wrong? How could I have done that better? What should I have done differently? What would anyone else do? What would most people do? What is wrong with me that this ended up badly? How can I fix myself so I don't make the same mistake again?"
This is how I talk to myself all the time. This is how I've been reflecting for the past decades, under the guise of self-reflection, self-help, and self-improvement.
I see now that my "growth" really hasn't been a positive, encouraging, reinforcing, or even pleasurable experience. What I've done is critique myself harshly by giving me the permission to judge myself with no holds barred and to let loose my tendency to bask in self-contempt. I thought that blaming myself and changing myself would be the best form of growth for me. But what's actually happened is that I've nurtured self-blame, self-hate, and self-criticism. I've felt perpetually terrible about who I am as a person, and have tried to compensate in every which way. I change myself as much as possible to make a situation better, to make someone happier, to please some other entity because my perception of myself is not good enough, not worthy enough, and based on external criteria.
I didn't even realize how much self-judgment I had until recently. Thanks to blogging, journaling, processing with friends, going through meta-reflection, and also going to therapy, I see now that what I was doing was quite unhealthy. For the past 7 years, I've tried to "grow" by compensating for whatever it is I did that led to me and Robert's breakup. Without knowing why we broke up (and I never will), I took on that responsibility, 100%, and attributed all the problems to me-- whatever they are/were. I assumed that I must have been too demanding, too selfish, too busy, too whatever-- so that is why Robert left me. I blamed myself because that was the only way I could experience some sort of control over what was unpredictable and uncomprehensible to me.
Well, no more self-blame. I am deciding to respect that Robert is a grown man capable of making decisions for himself. I will borrow from the medical field in which there is a belief in client autonomy because each person is assumed to be responsible for their own decision-making. Robert ended things with me by choice, not by circumstance or situation. For so many years, I assumed it was anything and everything but his choice. I imagined that his choice was to be together forever, but that external factors drove us away from each other so that we had to wait to reunite one day. I realize recently, that my mentality was unreal and simply untrue. Our breakup was not due to circumstance, it was/is a choice that Robert made-- and therefore something that I must respect. Just like we respect opinions that we don't agree with, I have to respect his opinion in which it is acceptable to break up without having an excuse. I have to live with this reality anyway. And I can either let that fact be his decision or I can attribute to a never-ending list of my shortcomings.
As I think about it in this new way, I choose to believe in his decision-making and therefore, I choose to finally let go of my idea of "us". I choose to focus on me more positively from now on, without the intense judgment and contempt that I have always had for myself. Of course, I will continue reflect on my relationships with people and my role in each of those dynamics. But I will not assume that I am always to blame. And I will not assume that something is wrong with me and needs to be changed.
Because I am embarking on an adventure that is focused on "exploration"-- I will not assume anything, I will simply explore without any judgment. I will explore me and what even means! Who am I? What are my beliefs? What are my core values? What are the things that cannot be compromised? What do I like to do? What do I not like to do? What makes me happy? What doesn't make me happy? What are my priorities in life?
I am sure that as I move through life, these answers will change because I will evolve. But that I'm even asking these questions is a wonderful and conscious start to self-exploration, self-curiosity, and self-learning. I cannot fathom being in another relationship without knowing myself more. I cannot fathom losing myself in another relationship, and relying on another person almost exclusively to help me feel whole. I absolutely need to know who I am so that I can know what feeling whole will feel like-- what being me feels like.
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Week 1 Reflections
Yesterday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream having to do with my first love, Robert.
I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be. We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter. We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other. At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home. In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again. We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch. Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him. The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout. There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris. The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious. When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave. The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight. I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat. I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you. I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too." In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye. I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now. "We could have been friends, Robert. It didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye." And I turn and walk away. I don't wait for him to respond. I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure. I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.
Then I woke up.
This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think. In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation. No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together. Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it." But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.
I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years. Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways. To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown. Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present. I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends. I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert. I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life. I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert. Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week. I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready. I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them. When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.
All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life. My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress. For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore. In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion. There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye. Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye." Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life. The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again. That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.
I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be. We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter. We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other. At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home. In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again. We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch. Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him. The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout. There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris. The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious. When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave. The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight. I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat. I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you. I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too." In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye. I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now. "We could have been friends, Robert. It didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye." And I turn and walk away. I don't wait for him to respond. I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure. I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.
Then I woke up.
This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think. In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation. No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together. Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it." But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.
I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years. Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways. To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown. Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present. I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends. I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert. I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life. I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert. Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week. I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready. I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them. When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.
All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life. My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress. For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore. In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion. There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye. Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye." Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life. The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again. That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Week 1: Out of the forest
Week 1 at home!
For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode. I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache. But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.
A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood". It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families. Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile. She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.
As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel. Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time. I don't know how people respond to infidelity. I have never seen anyone react to cheating. Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison. As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling. The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying. I heard myself crying too. The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying. It was uncontrollable. My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening. "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did. The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV. My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened. I was grateful for that.
Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me. After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him. So why did I respond so dramatically? Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show. It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in. Is this how I generally process pain? After it's happened?
I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back. Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked. Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal? Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened? I couldn't fully explain it then. All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving. I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings. For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it. I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.
Well, I'm out of the forest now. I'm done with that relationship now. I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked". I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him. He can't touch me anymore. Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually. I'm no longer being chased. I'm no longer escaping or running. I can now stop, look back, and feel.
For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode. I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache. But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.
A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood". It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families. Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile. She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.
As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel. Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time. I don't know how people respond to infidelity. I have never seen anyone react to cheating. Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison. As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling. The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying. I heard myself crying too. The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying. It was uncontrollable. My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening. "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did. The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV. My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened. I was grateful for that.
Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me. After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him. So why did I respond so dramatically? Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show. It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in. Is this how I generally process pain? After it's happened?
I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back. Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked. Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal? Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened? I couldn't fully explain it then. All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving. I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings. For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it. I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.
Well, I'm out of the forest now. I'm done with that relationship now. I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked". I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him. He can't touch me anymore. Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually. I'm no longer being chased. I'm no longer escaping or running. I can now stop, look back, and feel.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Heading to my time capsule tomorrow
I'm going home tomorrow! Must. take. deep breath.
I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found. I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general. What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.
If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then you know."
I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me. And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me. It doesn't want to come back. And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.
I don't want to. I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back. When that happens, then I'll choose to know. For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.
I just looked up Robert's name online, and of course, there's nothing to be found. I don't know why he's such a... secretive person in general. What's worse is my compulsion to dig his information to know more about him.
If someone wants to run away from you, run far far from you, and to go somewhere hidden so you can never find him, then why oh why do I spend so much time and effort wondering and even searching?
"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then you know."
I know. What I know is that without intending to let go, it has already flown far far away from me. And not only that, it has purposely hidden itself from me (and from the rest of society) because it doesn't want to be discovered. It doesn't want to belong to me. It doesn't want to come back. And even though it hasn't been back for years, I haven't been able to accept that that's the answer.
I don't want to. I don't want to accept that as the answer. I'm still waiting for him to come back. When that happens, then I'll choose to know. For now, I don't know. I'm still... waiting.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
All around self-confidence
Confidence, where are you?
For the longest time, I've thought that I had low self-confidence in specific areas of my life, such as in clinical work (compared to research), sexiness (as opposed to humor), and fun-ness (compared to my... wisdom?). Other than these select parts of me, I thought I had pretty good self-confidence.
Especially after my practice-interview, I thought I was feeling good about myself.
But then 2 things happened and now I am not so sure. The first is that I had my 1st phone interview and I did not feel good afterwards. Talking with 5 people in a conference call and getting no feedback was a killer to my ego. My self-doubts got the best of me. I imagined them writing notes on their legal pads, giving each other smirks about this incoherent interviewee, and raising their eyebrows to express their doubts about me. When the interview finally ended, I felt terrible. I felt nauseous, my chest felt tight, my back and neck felt stiff and sore, and I had a terrible headache. I felt that way for hours without any improvement. I even worked out for 30 minutes on the treadmill and took Mr. Z. for a cold brisk walk. Nothing worked.
The second thing that happened was that I collected all of my data for my dissertation project. This is the project of all projects, and it is a huge accomplishment, let me just say. But I couldn’t fully enjoy it because I had some glitches along the way that made me doubt whether my product was “good enough.” The self-doubt plagued me, I tell ya! And it was nothing I could do because the glitches were based on my participants’ lack of following my instructions. Nevertheless, I worried about this for awhile before talking with a professional and getting her feedback that data is data and that I am officially done. She also said something to me that made me re-assess my self-doubts as a whole person. She said to me, “You know, even the way you’re framing the question puts a doubt into my mind and makes me wonder things I don’t need to wonder about. You’re putting that there when you don’t need to. You need to have confidence in the work that you do and to tell people what you have and what you’re going to do with it. People don’t need to know all of the teeny details. They want to know what are you going to do next, and since you know, then you should just have the confidence to proceed.”
BAM! What a reality check that I lack confidence in every which way possible. I am going to think about that some more this weekend because her comments are so true and touch me at a very deep level.
For the longest time, I've thought that I had low self-confidence in specific areas of my life, such as in clinical work (compared to research), sexiness (as opposed to humor), and fun-ness (compared to my... wisdom?). Other than these select parts of me, I thought I had pretty good self-confidence.
Especially after my practice-interview, I thought I was feeling good about myself.
But then 2 things happened and now I am not so sure. The first is that I had my 1st phone interview and I did not feel good afterwards. Talking with 5 people in a conference call and getting no feedback was a killer to my ego. My self-doubts got the best of me. I imagined them writing notes on their legal pads, giving each other smirks about this incoherent interviewee, and raising their eyebrows to express their doubts about me. When the interview finally ended, I felt terrible. I felt nauseous, my chest felt tight, my back and neck felt stiff and sore, and I had a terrible headache. I felt that way for hours without any improvement. I even worked out for 30 minutes on the treadmill and took Mr. Z. for a cold brisk walk. Nothing worked.
The second thing that happened was that I collected all of my data for my dissertation project. This is the project of all projects, and it is a huge accomplishment, let me just say. But I couldn’t fully enjoy it because I had some glitches along the way that made me doubt whether my product was “good enough.” The self-doubt plagued me, I tell ya! And it was nothing I could do because the glitches were based on my participants’ lack of following my instructions. Nevertheless, I worried about this for awhile before talking with a professional and getting her feedback that data is data and that I am officially done. She also said something to me that made me re-assess my self-doubts as a whole person. She said to me, “You know, even the way you’re framing the question puts a doubt into my mind and makes me wonder things I don’t need to wonder about. You’re putting that there when you don’t need to. You need to have confidence in the work that you do and to tell people what you have and what you’re going to do with it. People don’t need to know all of the teeny details. They want to know what are you going to do next, and since you know, then you should just have the confidence to proceed.”
BAM! What a reality check that I lack confidence in every which way possible. I am going to think about that some more this weekend because her comments are so true and touch me at a very deep level.
Long visit home
I am getting... anxious. I am going home for the holidays soon. I've never gone back home to see family so frequently. But it just so happens that my schedule is more flexible this year and because I have interviews back there-- that I will be in my hometown for approximately... 3 weeks.
3. weeks. Gahh! The anxiety has been creeping up on me these days because I haven't been home for so long. It's true, I do feel like I "ran away" after Robert and I broke up. As it was, I lived across the country attending college. But I took the next step to study abroad (which I already wanted to anyways). If I’m honest enough, I can admit that part of the reason did include running away. I simply didn’t/don't know how to live in the same suburb with someone who is 5 minutes away and yet has purposely chosen to cut-of-all-contact from me. So, in addition to wanting to see the world, travel, and study, I thought to myself: why subject myself to the torture of being so close when I can also flee the scene?
So, I have fled and fled and now I may be back there for the next year. I’ll certainly be back for 3 weeks starting next week. In the upcoming month, I imagine a ton of journal entries delving into grief, loss, letting-go, and heartaches. Ugh.
3. weeks. Gahh! The anxiety has been creeping up on me these days because I haven't been home for so long. It's true, I do feel like I "ran away" after Robert and I broke up. As it was, I lived across the country attending college. But I took the next step to study abroad (which I already wanted to anyways). If I’m honest enough, I can admit that part of the reason did include running away. I simply didn’t/don't know how to live in the same suburb with someone who is 5 minutes away and yet has purposely chosen to cut-of-all-contact from me. So, in addition to wanting to see the world, travel, and study, I thought to myself: why subject myself to the torture of being so close when I can also flee the scene?
So, I have fled and fled and now I may be back there for the next year. I’ll certainly be back for 3 weeks starting next week. In the upcoming month, I imagine a ton of journal entries delving into grief, loss, letting-go, and heartaches. Ugh.
Honesty without apology
I have an interview coming up in a few days and I am nervous!
Today, I had a practice-interview with a previous supervisor who knows my clinical work. Just sitting with her soothed my nerves. She let me just "be" and she was so open and embracing that I found myself feeling good about myself without even knowing it!
Being with people like her remind me of who I was before I experienced serious self-doubt. I don't know if this has to do with B. entirely, but I do find myself being reminded of what I was like before, when I felt good about myself, my work, my abilities, my characteristics, my sense of me.
That's it! I am getting bits of pieces of "me" through my interactions with people these days. Throughout a large part of my relationship with B., I avoided people, I dodged conversations and kept them superficial, and I hid. I hid so much because of my shame. I hid because I didn't know how to explain, let alone understand the relationship we were in. It's been so lonely. And now, as I emerge back into a healthy lifestyle, with friends, deep social connections, and the ability to be open, genuine, and honest with myself and with them-- I remember what it's like to be me. I remember what it's like to face each day and each person without shame, embarrassment, confusion, avoidance, and dread. It feels so good to just "be." Feels good to be "just me."
My previous supervisor also gave me really a good piece of advice for interviewing. Her advice is actually so good, I'm going to apply it to my life as well. She said to me that in any interview, she believes that one should approach it honestly. In fact, her exact words were: "honesty without apology."
I love it. I want to live my life this way too! I want to face myself this way too! I am honest about the mistakes that I have made, the insecurities that I have, and I am able to accept that I am still working to figure myself out and to figure out how to be in good, healthy relationships. I don't have to be so apologetic that I shame myself into a hole. I can just accept that I am where I am, and that the journey is continuous. HONESTY WITHOUT APOLOGY.
I love it.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
"Everything I do, I do for you"
Awww, how romantic: "everything I do, I do for you."
NOT!!
How unromantic. How crippling! How co-dependent!
These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these. Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships? Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?
I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them. I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."
As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training. And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love. I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us. I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone. On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together. But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself. It's like I'm a different person.
How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong. It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.
"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert. But I guess I'm doing it for me now. I guess I'm doing it for my family too. I don't know. It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.
NOT!!
How unromantic. How crippling! How co-dependent!
These days, I have very negative reactions to statements such as these. Why does our culture (societal) promote such co-dependence in romantic relationships? Why do we romanticize losing yourself in a relationship and possibly foregoing our own goals so that our only focus is on the other person?
I am resentful of these kinds of "romantic" messages because I fall for them. I subscribe to them. And I am a loyal believer in them. I've been a romantic since I was a kid! And I continue to adopt this way of thinking even though I'm trying to tell myself "I should know better..."
As I prepare for interviews these days, the reality sinks in that I may be moving back to my hometown for my next year of my training. And while that is exciting on one hand (because my family is there), it is heartbreakingly depressing because I always envisioned myself back there with my first love. I always envisioned returning to be a reunion for us. I hadn't expected to go back and be... alone. I suppose if I were dating someone else, I wouldn't be feeling alone. On the other hand, I suspect that even if I were with anyone else, I would still feel a twinge of nostalgia and sadness that it's not him I'm with. When I'm home, I can't understand why we're not together. But when I'm on my own, away from my hometown, I do pretty well for myself. It's like I'm a different person.
How can I explain it? There's something about being far away that makes our breakup acceptable. Yet when I'm home for the holidays, not being together feels... wrong. It feels unnatural. So when I go home for the holidays, I get anxious, distressed, impulsive, compulsive, obsessive, and unable to understand why we are not together.
"Everything I do, I do for you." Years ago, I thought that the only reason I'd move back home was to be with Robert. But I guess I'm doing it for me now. I guess I'm doing it for my family too. I don't know. It still feels unnatural and I have to remind myself not to purposely mess up because I'm so terrified of being back there alone and without him.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Diamond shopping
As the semester is winding down, I decided to pamper myself by going window-shopping this afternoon and even picking up some fun things I've wanted for myself. I was thinking of getting some candles and a few shirts, and maybe a few other small things. As I entered the mall, however, I found myself walking towards a jewelry store. I was even more surprised at myself when I said stopped to look at some earrings and found myself saying aloud to a sales clerk that I'm thinking of treating myself. What?! Was I really planning on doing that this trip? What am I doing?!
In the end, I didn't buy anything for myself. I couldn't justify a reason for blowing my rent money on a pair of diamond earrings that I never even imagined purchasing in the first place. But this jewelry thing does have meaning for me. Never in my life have I ever wanted or asked for jewelry. I'm simply not that interested in baubles, and the only thing I ever envisioned is a wedding ring from the man of my dreams. Other than that single essential and meaningful item, I don't desire anything else. I'm content with cubic zirconian earrings and I generally dislike necklaces and bracelets and any other rings. For me, it's been the engagement ring and the meaning behind that one piece of item from that one special person.
But a few months ago, I remember thinking about jewelry as a form of self-empowerment. Around the time that I started this blog, I remember wanting to buy myself something. I thought to myself, why wait for someone to buy things for me? Why is it that when I think of jewelry, I generally think of getting from a man. Why is it that my happiness depends on a man? Why am I so passive that I can't be self-sufficient and rely on myself and celebrate myself? So, about 6 months ago, I promised to buy myself something that I would normally want a romantic partner to buy me. I probably gave up all hope on B. and was ready to be with me and only me. I was preparing myself for loneliness and forced independence and wanting to make it strength-based and meaningful. Of course, I would never buy myself an engagement ring... but I can myself the next best thing! I decided then that someday, I would buy myself a nice bauble to celebrate me! I would choose some piece of jewelry to honor my relationship with me.
I mean, think about it! Regardless of how long my husband and I are together, I will never be in a relationship with him that is longer than my relationship with me. I am with myself the longest. So why don't I celebrate that relationship with me? Why not have anniversaries or some other form of commemoration for me and with me?
In theory, it sounds so empowering and so exciting. But as I looked at diamond after diamond, it got to be too overwhelming and surreal. I got exasperated looking at so many small things with so many big numbers attached to them. In truth, I'd much rather enjoy a nice meal that I can experience-- sensually! So, I left my contact information and left the store. Perhaps I'll go back in a few months. Perhaps a few years. Who knows. I still want to celebrate me, but... I don't know if I'm ready for diamonds yet.
In the end, I didn't buy anything for myself. I couldn't justify a reason for blowing my rent money on a pair of diamond earrings that I never even imagined purchasing in the first place. But this jewelry thing does have meaning for me. Never in my life have I ever wanted or asked for jewelry. I'm simply not that interested in baubles, and the only thing I ever envisioned is a wedding ring from the man of my dreams. Other than that single essential and meaningful item, I don't desire anything else. I'm content with cubic zirconian earrings and I generally dislike necklaces and bracelets and any other rings. For me, it's been the engagement ring and the meaning behind that one piece of item from that one special person.
But a few months ago, I remember thinking about jewelry as a form of self-empowerment. Around the time that I started this blog, I remember wanting to buy myself something. I thought to myself, why wait for someone to buy things for me? Why is it that when I think of jewelry, I generally think of getting from a man. Why is it that my happiness depends on a man? Why am I so passive that I can't be self-sufficient and rely on myself and celebrate myself? So, about 6 months ago, I promised to buy myself something that I would normally want a romantic partner to buy me. I probably gave up all hope on B. and was ready to be with me and only me. I was preparing myself for loneliness and forced independence and wanting to make it strength-based and meaningful. Of course, I would never buy myself an engagement ring... but I can myself the next best thing! I decided then that someday, I would buy myself a nice bauble to celebrate me! I would choose some piece of jewelry to honor my relationship with me.
I mean, think about it! Regardless of how long my husband and I are together, I will never be in a relationship with him that is longer than my relationship with me. I am with myself the longest. So why don't I celebrate that relationship with me? Why not have anniversaries or some other form of commemoration for me and with me?
In theory, it sounds so empowering and so exciting. But as I looked at diamond after diamond, it got to be too overwhelming and surreal. I got exasperated looking at so many small things with so many big numbers attached to them. In truth, I'd much rather enjoy a nice meal that I can experience-- sensually! So, I left my contact information and left the store. Perhaps I'll go back in a few months. Perhaps a few years. Who knows. I still want to celebrate me, but... I don't know if I'm ready for diamonds yet.
Secrets, secrets, and more shame
I have 4 interviews scheduled within the next couple of weeks!
As exciting as this is, my anxiety is shooting straight through the roof. For the past few days, I've been preparing with friends and finding myself flustered, confused, incoherent, and overwhelmed. I feel like an imposter. This feels like imposter syndrome. And I'm terrified of being caught.
My greatest fear is that my interviewer(s) will find out I'm empty inside. They'll realize I'm a facade of knowledge and experience, and that I simply look good on paper, but not in-person. I worry that they will see through me. I feel scared, vulnerable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and terrified. What if no one wants me? What if no one thinks I'm good enough? What if people find out that I am flawed-- not just flawed, period. But flawed in all the places that matter the most?
When I couldn't answer a practice interview question about "4-5 interpersonal strengths", I realized that something was wrong. Even if I am modest by nature, this question should not be so difficult that I stutter and umm and uhh through my way for 5 minutes without coming up with anything other than 2 points: 1) I'm good at making people feel comfortable and able to be vulnerable, and 2) I can relate to anyone.
Today, I finally realized what the major problem is. I feel like I havea big secret to hide. Wait, scratch that. I have several big secrets to hide, and I don't know whether/how to hide them all. How can one be secretive and vulnerable at the same time? How is it possible to be genuine but also hide parts of myself simultaneously? The answer is that you can't! I can't! And that is why I have been unable to get-through my practice interviews without feeling emotionally overwhelmed and tongue-twisted.
What are these secrets of mine? Well, they are my shame. I am terrified that in all my answers, people will realize that I love too much, give too much, want too much of a fantasy, and therefore deny reality too much. The thought of being seen-through horrifies me. I have been feeling vulnerable as it is. Now imagine being asked questions that tap into my strengths and weaknesses, my approaches to problem-solving, my outlook towards the process of change. I fear that in my answers, people will read-through me to learn about who I am. I am terrified that they might know that I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship. I am so scared that they will actually know more about me to realize that I am flawed. I worry that my answers will truthfully reflect my strengths and limitations: they will see that I am scarred and hurting, and that I have made decisions that have hurt me and my sense of self-worth and value.
And then what? What happens after I fail at hiding. What if they no longer respect me after they find out who I am? What if they then decide to ask about my bad-decision-making abilities? What if they find out that I've betrayed my own values, beliefs and priorities before? What if they judge me for my failed relationships in the past, and are impatient at my slowness to quickly "get myself together"? What will happen if they can see-through my answers and know about the "me" that I am working on so much?
I realize that I judge her harder than anyone possibly will. I don't like her, the girl that I used to be. The girl that was with B. The person who stayed with him for so long and denied the truth of who he was. I don't like that she gave up her friends for him, gave up her foods for him, gave up her identity for him. I don't really respect her and I don't have enough compassion for her. I have more anger towards her and more impatience. I am working hard to grow away from her and to be different from her. I do NOT want to identify with her. In turn, I do not want her to represent the person I want to be.
So in an interview setting, I don't want anyone to see her as part of me. I don't want her to be associated with me, much less part of my history and my identity. It's tough enough that I judge her, I don't want anyone else to judge her.
As exciting as this is, my anxiety is shooting straight through the roof. For the past few days, I've been preparing with friends and finding myself flustered, confused, incoherent, and overwhelmed. I feel like an imposter. This feels like imposter syndrome. And I'm terrified of being caught.
My greatest fear is that my interviewer(s) will find out I'm empty inside. They'll realize I'm a facade of knowledge and experience, and that I simply look good on paper, but not in-person. I worry that they will see through me. I feel scared, vulnerable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and terrified. What if no one wants me? What if no one thinks I'm good enough? What if people find out that I am flawed-- not just flawed, period. But flawed in all the places that matter the most?
When I couldn't answer a practice interview question about "4-5 interpersonal strengths", I realized that something was wrong. Even if I am modest by nature, this question should not be so difficult that I stutter and umm and uhh through my way for 5 minutes without coming up with anything other than 2 points: 1) I'm good at making people feel comfortable and able to be vulnerable, and 2) I can relate to anyone.
Today, I finally realized what the major problem is. I feel like I have
What are these secrets of mine? Well, they are my shame. I am terrified that in all my answers, people will realize that I love too much, give too much, want too much of a fantasy, and therefore deny reality too much. The thought of being seen-through horrifies me. I have been feeling vulnerable as it is. Now imagine being asked questions that tap into my strengths and weaknesses, my approaches to problem-solving, my outlook towards the process of change. I fear that in my answers, people will read-through me to learn about who I am. I am terrified that they might know that I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship. I am so scared that they will actually know more about me to realize that I am flawed. I worry that my answers will truthfully reflect my strengths and limitations: they will see that I am scarred and hurting, and that I have made decisions that have hurt me and my sense of self-worth and value.
And then what? What happens after I fail at hiding. What if they no longer respect me after they find out who I am? What if they then decide to ask about my bad-decision-making abilities? What if they find out that I've betrayed my own values, beliefs and priorities before? What if they judge me for my failed relationships in the past, and are impatient at my slowness to quickly "get myself together"? What will happen if they can see-through my answers and know about the "me" that I am working on so much?
I realize that I judge her harder than anyone possibly will. I don't like her, the girl that I used to be. The girl that was with B. The person who stayed with him for so long and denied the truth of who he was. I don't like that she gave up her friends for him, gave up her foods for him, gave up her identity for him. I don't really respect her and I don't have enough compassion for her. I have more anger towards her and more impatience. I am working hard to grow away from her and to be different from her. I do NOT want to identify with her. In turn, I do not want her to represent the person I want to be.
So in an interview setting, I don't want anyone to see her as part of me. I don't want her to be associated with me, much less part of my history and my identity. It's tough enough that I judge her, I don't want anyone else to judge her.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Setting the foundation for a relationship
I drove out to the country this weekend to visit my ex-neighbor (and friend) Brenda, and her family. I met Brenda about 6 months ago actually, when we found out we were neighbors living across the hall from each other. She has these 4 amazing kids who are well-behaved, loving, and adorable. Other than that, we had so much in common and quickly soon-after, I found myself visiting their apartment frequently to say hi to the kids, pop-in for a snack, or to even drop-off desserts that I made and that I wanted to share. About 2 months ago, Brenda and her boyfriend moved into a house where they merged together her 4 kids and his 2 teenagers. To me, they are the modern-day Brady Bunch who are much younger in age and also of a different ethnicity. They are also one of the best couples I have ever known: individually and together. I love her boyfriend almost as much as I love Brenda!
In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her! It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.
So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love. Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see! Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids. We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves. She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are. Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her. And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity. I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.
To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner. Basically, we see how men treat one another. We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly." That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it. In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.
As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation. A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch". She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term. She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again. She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day. She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again. She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.
At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible. After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding! He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue! It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!
This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries. When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future. When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us. We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another. We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners
Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships. Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"? Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?
A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise. It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not. It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy. It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on. It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.
I need to work on being a leader for myself.
In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her! It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.
So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love. Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see! Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids. We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves. She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are. Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her. And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity. I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.
To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner. Basically, we see how men treat one another. We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly." That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it. In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.
As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation. A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch". She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term. She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again. She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day. She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again. She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.
At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible. After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding! He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue! It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!
This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries. When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future. When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us. We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another. We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners
Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships. Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"? Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?
A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise. It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not. It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy. It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on. It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.
I need to work on being a leader for myself.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Diminishing Anger
While walking to my car today, I thought about B. and wondered how he was doing. Over the last few weeks, I've stopped thinking about him. More specifically, I stopped having strong feelings for him, whether it is heartache, anger, disgust, or any other form of intense emotion.
As I was walking today, I realized I don't care about him. I don't care whatsoever. Now that's a weird feeling to have. I've never experienced apathy towards someone before!
So I went one step further to test myself some more. I wondered to myself, what if he were depressed and living a very sad life right now? Would you care then? To which, I was surprised to find that my answer was no!
Now that is unusual.
In the past, whenever I think about an ex being less fortunate than me, my overwhelming feelings of pity will rise above me and I will start thinking about them. Is he OK? What's wrong? Does he need me? Should I be there to make his life better? Would my presence increase the quality of his life? If so, then how can I be so far away and unavailable? How can he live without me? I have to reach out to him.
Strangely enough, I didn't have these feelings toward B. today and I am pretty certain that he is OK and that he will be OK. Granted, he struggles with depression, I'm sure. Heck, he struggles with a myriad of issues probably including an eating disorder as well as episodes of mania. It's actually because of these reasons that I stuck-around so long and gave him so many chances. Because he is so unstable, I thought that he just needed more patience, love, and understanding from me. At the outset, I didn't realize that his unhealthiness was taking a toll on me. I hadn't fully recognized the mental unhealthiness he was inflicting onto me. As though I didn't have enough baggage of my own to begin with!
So! Today, I feel liberated from my previous patterns of recalling an ex-boyfriend. I'm not concerned with his mental health and I have no desire to save him from his own emotional roller coaster ride. Gone are my tendencies to be a savior to a loved one. No longer do I feel the compulsion to rush to his side to tend to his weaknesses and nurse him back to health. I don't have to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't need to do that. It's not expected of me to do that.
I suppose my anger is still there, it's just diminished these days. I can finally accept B. for who he is these days. I now know that if B. is feeling low, he will not let himself be alone any longer than he needs to. He will drink until he blacks out. And he will destroy his house in his drunken stupor and become physically violent without knowing it. He will certainly find some random woman to sleep with. It's not an emotional connection that he wants, just a warm body in the middle of the night. He does not want a soulmate, just sex. Just someone that will keep the loneliness at bay. As soon as he's done with her, he'll move on. He'll immerse himself into his professional work and discard her like an object until he's lonely next time. By then, he will have found another woman to objectify. Another woman to use and abuse. It's sad, really. Deep down, B. will be perpetually lonely in his heart. But in physical terms, he will never be, because he is constantly fishing. He has multiple hooks out at all times and he is always baiting, baiting, and baiting some more. When he senses movement on one line, he pursues her. And if another line wiggles, he will seek her out too. He is constantly on the hunt, preying on women, seeking unlimited companionship from whoever will bite on his line. That is the lifestyle he wants and that's what he's familiar with. Who's to say that my attempts to living a meaningful life is what he wants? Who's to say that everyone wants a meaningful relationship like I do?
Accepting who B. is gives me enough anger, hurt, and acceptance (of reality) to stop caring and to stop have intense emotions associated with him. That's part of the healing process, right?
As I was walking today, I realized I don't care about him. I don't care whatsoever. Now that's a weird feeling to have. I've never experienced apathy towards someone before!
So I went one step further to test myself some more. I wondered to myself, what if he were depressed and living a very sad life right now? Would you care then? To which, I was surprised to find that my answer was no!
Now that is unusual.
In the past, whenever I think about an ex being less fortunate than me, my overwhelming feelings of pity will rise above me and I will start thinking about them. Is he OK? What's wrong? Does he need me? Should I be there to make his life better? Would my presence increase the quality of his life? If so, then how can I be so far away and unavailable? How can he live without me? I have to reach out to him.
Strangely enough, I didn't have these feelings toward B. today and I am pretty certain that he is OK and that he will be OK. Granted, he struggles with depression, I'm sure. Heck, he struggles with a myriad of issues probably including an eating disorder as well as episodes of mania. It's actually because of these reasons that I stuck-around so long and gave him so many chances. Because he is so unstable, I thought that he just needed more patience, love, and understanding from me. At the outset, I didn't realize that his unhealthiness was taking a toll on me. I hadn't fully recognized the mental unhealthiness he was inflicting onto me. As though I didn't have enough baggage of my own to begin with!
So! Today, I feel liberated from my previous patterns of recalling an ex-boyfriend. I'm not concerned with his mental health and I have no desire to save him from his own emotional roller coaster ride. Gone are my tendencies to be a savior to a loved one. No longer do I feel the compulsion to rush to his side to tend to his weaknesses and nurse him back to health. I don't have to do that. I don't want to do that. I don't need to do that. It's not expected of me to do that.
I suppose my anger is still there, it's just diminished these days. I can finally accept B. for who he is these days. I now know that if B. is feeling low, he will not let himself be alone any longer than he needs to. He will drink until he blacks out. And he will destroy his house in his drunken stupor and become physically violent without knowing it. He will certainly find some random woman to sleep with. It's not an emotional connection that he wants, just a warm body in the middle of the night. He does not want a soulmate, just sex. Just someone that will keep the loneliness at bay. As soon as he's done with her, he'll move on. He'll immerse himself into his professional work and discard her like an object until he's lonely next time. By then, he will have found another woman to objectify. Another woman to use and abuse. It's sad, really. Deep down, B. will be perpetually lonely in his heart. But in physical terms, he will never be, because he is constantly fishing. He has multiple hooks out at all times and he is always baiting, baiting, and baiting some more. When he senses movement on one line, he pursues her. And if another line wiggles, he will seek her out too. He is constantly on the hunt, preying on women, seeking unlimited companionship from whoever will bite on his line. That is the lifestyle he wants and that's what he's familiar with. Who's to say that my attempts to living a meaningful life is what he wants? Who's to say that everyone wants a meaningful relationship like I do?
Accepting who B. is gives me enough anger, hurt, and acceptance (of reality) to stop caring and to stop have intense emotions associated with him. That's part of the healing process, right?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Contentment
Throughout my process of navigating grief, loss, and past loves, I have neglected to write a little bit about the current love of my life: Mr. Z. He may be a dog, alright, but he certainly shows me love everyday and makes me feel like I am special, important, and a very necessary part of his life.
When I was home over the last week and a half, my family fell head-over-heels-in-love with Mr. Z. They adored him, and in turn, he loved them all: each and every one of them. Funnily enough, this scenario is always what I wished for. I always hoped I could one day be with someone (ahem, a mature man) who could blend into my family and win all of their loves. I wished that he would embrace my family with the same love I have for them, and that they would reciprocate a similar level of respect and liking towards him. Thus far, I have not met a boy like that. And I have not ever brought a boy home who was like that.
Mr. Z., however, did all of that and more. And to this day, he continues to surprise me because of the joy that fills my heart when I see him. Perhaps me doesn't surprise me; I surprise me! My feelings for him surprise me! While I was at home, my brother commented on how much I loved Mr. Z. and asked if I had ever felt that way for anyone before. My answer? No. Absolutely and positively no. The feelings that I have for Mr. Z., I would have never labeled it as "love". It's not on-par with the feelings I have had for ex-boyfriends. It is totally different.
The way I feel for Mr. Z. is so natural, so easy going, and so secure. Perhaps that is why it is unlike any other romantic relationship I have ever had. I don't try to change him. I don't have any expectations of him. And I don't fear that one day he will leave me or that he will love me less than before. I simply think about him when I can, wonder what's best for him, and try to give him as much as I can to maximize his health and well-being. That's it. That is all I do. Is that love? If so, then I'm finally understanding what pure, raw, unconditional love is. And I have never felt that for anyone before. Ever.
When I was home over the last week and a half, my family fell head-over-heels-in-love with Mr. Z. They adored him, and in turn, he loved them all: each and every one of them. Funnily enough, this scenario is always what I wished for. I always hoped I could one day be with someone (ahem, a mature man) who could blend into my family and win all of their loves. I wished that he would embrace my family with the same love I have for them, and that they would reciprocate a similar level of respect and liking towards him. Thus far, I have not met a boy like that. And I have not ever brought a boy home who was like that.
Mr. Z., however, did all of that and more. And to this day, he continues to surprise me because of the joy that fills my heart when I see him. Perhaps me doesn't surprise me; I surprise me! My feelings for him surprise me! While I was at home, my brother commented on how much I loved Mr. Z. and asked if I had ever felt that way for anyone before. My answer? No. Absolutely and positively no. The feelings that I have for Mr. Z., I would have never labeled it as "love". It's not on-par with the feelings I have had for ex-boyfriends. It is totally different.
The way I feel for Mr. Z. is so natural, so easy going, and so secure. Perhaps that is why it is unlike any other romantic relationship I have ever had. I don't try to change him. I don't have any expectations of him. And I don't fear that one day he will leave me or that he will love me less than before. I simply think about him when I can, wonder what's best for him, and try to give him as much as I can to maximize his health and well-being. That's it. That is all I do. Is that love? If so, then I'm finally understanding what pure, raw, unconditional love is. And I have never felt that for anyone before. Ever.
Falling out of love
My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update. She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years. The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?" What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving! She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.
Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city. After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week. He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him. He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.
Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it. Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me. I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again. It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.
Did Robert do that to me? And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?
While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart. Such good advice right? It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.
As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:
Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead. He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.
Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back. Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone. He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me. It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile. But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future. He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt. But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.
I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.
It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.
I've been in denial for 7 years!
Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city. After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week. He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him. He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.
Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it. Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me. I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again. It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.
Did Robert do that to me? And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?
While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart. Such good advice right? It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.
As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:
Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead. He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.
Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back. Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone. He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me. It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile. But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future. He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt. But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.
I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.
It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.
I've been in denial for 7 years!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Blast from the past
Here's a journey entry that I wrote approximately 4 years ago when I emailed Robert after feeling so re-traumatized because he "forgot to call" me and couldn't care less about my existence. This entry reminds me of how tired and exhausting it is to love someone who is apathetic about you. To care about someone who doesn't even see you.
I did all that I could to reach out to him. I had to know that there was no holding back and that I was following my heart through-and-through. I did my best with him. I even chased after him 4 years later. Even then, he gave me nothing in return. I gave it my all. And I had to live with the fact that there was nothing more I could have done to change the situation.
"have you ever poured your heart out before? to the point that you're maxxed out and can't imagine any other way to express yourself? and then one day, you realize that you've finally reached your limit, trekked to the end of your own border, and really truly cannot go beyond the pages anymore because the gap is too wide and and you simply cannot go any farther?
it's a completely draining experience that i'm talking about... but in almost a positive light because FINALLY, you can't wonder if there's anything else you could have done. you know for a fact that you will never look back and wonder "COULD I HAVE DONE MORE? SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED THERE? WHY WASN'T I TRUE TO MY HEART?" because finally, there's nothing in you anymore. Not a drop a left, nothing to be wrung out for you to give anymore. It's like... you've finally defeated yourself.
everyone has a limit. and it's taken me years to reach mine.
im all out of this kinda love."
I did all that I could to reach out to him. I had to know that there was no holding back and that I was following my heart through-and-through. I did my best with him. I even chased after him 4 years later. Even then, he gave me nothing in return. I gave it my all. And I had to live with the fact that there was nothing more I could have done to change the situation.
"have you ever poured your heart out before? to the point that you're maxxed out and can't imagine any other way to express yourself? and then one day, you realize that you've finally reached your limit, trekked to the end of your own border, and really truly cannot go beyond the pages anymore because the gap is too wide and and you simply cannot go any farther?
it's a completely draining experience that i'm talking about... but in almost a positive light because FINALLY, you can't wonder if there's anything else you could have done. you know for a fact that you will never look back and wonder "COULD I HAVE DONE MORE? SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED THERE? WHY WASN'T I TRUE TO MY HEART?" because finally, there's nothing in you anymore. Not a drop a left, nothing to be wrung out for you to give anymore. It's like... you've finally defeated yourself.
everyone has a limit. and it's taken me years to reach mine.
im all out of this kinda love."
Unmet hopes
After leaving my hometown this week and returning to my adult world, I went to therapy.
Italked cried about this relationship haunting me and I tried to make sense of what was happening to me internally.
As I recounted the entry I wrote when Robert and I broke up, I realized that I never really let-him-go because I always expected he would come back one day to explain everything to me. To know the inner workings of my mind and heart, it's important to be honest about my expectations about Robert and me. My fantasy/expectation had always been the following possible scenarios:
1) Robert finds me one day and comes to me to apologize. He wants to say sorry for how things ended, and he is also incredibly regretful that we even broke up. He offers a really good explanation that has to do with his incredulous love for me and wanting to protect me from whatever it is he couldn't tell me about before. For example, maybe he had cancer but he didn't want to know because he knew I would have dropped everything to be with him and take care of him. Because he didn't want me to give up my plans, he had to break up with me in a cold-hearted manner and disappear until he got better. He has now realized that it was not the right thing to do and is so sorry to have done that to me. Over the years, he has also matured and grown in a lot of ways. He realizes that life is unbearable without me and wishes we could try again.
2) I am living my life and having a good time when I unintentionally run-into Robert. Hmm. I suppose what happens subsequently is an exact copy-paste scenario from the scene above. He apologizes. He is regretful. He still loves me. He still wants me back. But what's different is that he's too embarrassed to have shown-up at my door to apologize. Still, he has always wished for another chance with me but has been too shy/embarrassed to act on this impulse. Nevertheless, he wishes for a reconciliation and is sorry for our breakup.
3) Like scenario 2, Robert and I run-into each other, perhaps at a large social event with a bunch of our mutual friends. Because we're in such a large crowd, we are cordial to each other and I am not overtly emotional or shocked. I play-it-off very well and appear cool, calm, collected. We hang out as a group and as the group dwindles, I continue to remain very rational and level-headed. I say that it's good to see him, that I hope he's doing well, and I ask about him and his family. I say nothing about the past so that I can look like I don't care that much. I press for no details and I am able to seem casual and light-hearted. He realizes how cool I am and is surprised. He sees how little pressure I place on him and is reminded of his love for me. If he wasn't already in love with me then, he will fall back in love with me and want to be together again!
Hmm. Now that it's written out, these scenarios sound kind of embarrassing. They all have the same ending. They're just different versions of how he and I would act prior to reconciling. In my heart of hearts, I have always waited for Robert to show-up one day and to offer me some sort of release and closure. Umm... And also an opportunity to be together again. I have been so sure that it would happen one day. I have been so sure that I have been in waiting-mode for the past 7 years, just passively awaiting the day he comes. All because I have been so sure that he will inevitably come.
But he hasn't come. And I'm just now starting to realize that he may never come. When I started dating a few years ago, I did it to spite Robert in my head. I did it so that I can tell him (in my head) that I am capable of dating other people, and to threaten that I can be with someone else if he doesn't show up soon. I didn't want to be with anyone else, much less even go on a date with somebody that wasn't him. But I did it so that I wouldn't always be in Robert's shadow. I did it so that I could also tell myself that I can make comparisons because I don't know anything else beyond him.
Heck, the only reason I even had sex with someone else was so that I can say "Ha! Look! Robert isn't the only person I've been with now! I am capable of doing this with someone else! Also, with someone else in the picture, my feelings for Robert will surely lessen so that it isn't so intense anymore!"
My approach completely back-fired though because I then started dating non-stop until.... now. And now, I am dealing with multiple griefs because in truth, I never let Robert go. And because every relationship has been about him in some way, shape, or form.
How unhealthy that is.
I
As I recounted the entry I wrote when Robert and I broke up, I realized that I never really let-him-go because I always expected he would come back one day to explain everything to me. To know the inner workings of my mind and heart, it's important to be honest about my expectations about Robert and me. My fantasy/expectation had always been the following possible scenarios:
1) Robert finds me one day and comes to me to apologize. He wants to say sorry for how things ended, and he is also incredibly regretful that we even broke up. He offers a really good explanation that has to do with his incredulous love for me and wanting to protect me from whatever it is he couldn't tell me about before. For example, maybe he had cancer but he didn't want to know because he knew I would have dropped everything to be with him and take care of him. Because he didn't want me to give up my plans, he had to break up with me in a cold-hearted manner and disappear until he got better. He has now realized that it was not the right thing to do and is so sorry to have done that to me. Over the years, he has also matured and grown in a lot of ways. He realizes that life is unbearable without me and wishes we could try again.
2) I am living my life and having a good time when I unintentionally run-into Robert. Hmm. I suppose what happens subsequently is an exact copy-paste scenario from the scene above. He apologizes. He is regretful. He still loves me. He still wants me back. But what's different is that he's too embarrassed to have shown-up at my door to apologize. Still, he has always wished for another chance with me but has been too shy/embarrassed to act on this impulse. Nevertheless, he wishes for a reconciliation and is sorry for our breakup.
3) Like scenario 2, Robert and I run-into each other, perhaps at a large social event with a bunch of our mutual friends. Because we're in such a large crowd, we are cordial to each other and I am not overtly emotional or shocked. I play-it-off very well and appear cool, calm, collected. We hang out as a group and as the group dwindles, I continue to remain very rational and level-headed. I say that it's good to see him, that I hope he's doing well, and I ask about him and his family. I say nothing about the past so that I can look like I don't care that much. I press for no details and I am able to seem casual and light-hearted. He realizes how cool I am and is surprised. He sees how little pressure I place on him and is reminded of his love for me. If he wasn't already in love with me then, he will fall back in love with me and want to be together again!
Hmm. Now that it's written out, these scenarios sound kind of embarrassing. They all have the same ending. They're just different versions of how he and I would act prior to reconciling. In my heart of hearts, I have always waited for Robert to show-up one day and to offer me some sort of release and closure. Umm... And also an opportunity to be together again. I have been so sure that it would happen one day. I have been so sure that I have been in waiting-mode for the past 7 years, just passively awaiting the day he comes. All because I have been so sure that he will inevitably come.
But he hasn't come. And I'm just now starting to realize that he may never come. When I started dating a few years ago, I did it to spite Robert in my head. I did it so that I can tell him (in my head) that I am capable of dating other people, and to threaten that I can be with someone else if he doesn't show up soon. I didn't want to be with anyone else, much less even go on a date with somebody that wasn't him. But I did it so that I wouldn't always be in Robert's shadow. I did it so that I could also tell myself that I can make comparisons because I don't know anything else beyond him.
Heck, the only reason I even had sex with someone else was so that I can say "Ha! Look! Robert isn't the only person I've been with now! I am capable of doing this with someone else! Also, with someone else in the picture, my feelings for Robert will surely lessen so that it isn't so intense anymore!"
My approach completely back-fired though because I then started dating non-stop until.... now. And now, I am dealing with multiple griefs because in truth, I never let Robert go. And because every relationship has been about him in some way, shape, or form.
How unhealthy that is.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Stuck
I am struggling with journaling because I want to numb-out altogether.
I am struggling with the complex emotions that I have, and I am not very self-compassionate about my regressing so far behind that I am now obsessed with the ending of my first relationship.
Grief, I have something to say to you: I hate you.
I knew quite rationally that when grieving over one loss, it is normal to think of all of the previous losses and to have to go through them once again in some way. What I did not expect was this intensity or anxiety. What I did not expect was to feel again what I felt 7 years ago and to be in the same exact friggin place again.
Now that I've left my childhood home and am back in my apartment in another city/state/region of the country, I can feel safe again, and distanced from the possibilities of "running into him" or being constantly flooded by memories of him. Now that I am away, I am able to feel PISSED. Not necessarily at him, but at myself.
I am livid with ME.
Why am I still here 7 years later? Why am I in the exact same position that I was in when he broke up with me years ago? Has nothing changed? Did I not do any of the mourning or grieving then? Is it humanly possible to feel the same way you did 7 years ago, the same feelings, the same intensity, the overwhelming disbelief, and the same shock at how things unfolded? How could it be that I am just as confused and stuck now as I was before? Where has my emotional growth been all this time? Have I just been emotionally stunted!? What has happened or not happened so that I am the exact same person all over again?
People tell me that it's good we broke up. A blessing in disguise. They remind me of my growth over the years. They tell me to think of my accomplishments since the break-up. They highlight my life experiences over this time period and tell me that it could have never worked out. If Robert and I were together, I could have never made it this far. With each of these comments, I am frustrated because I disagree. I disagree. I disagree.
I have not changed. Just as my feelings are the same now, I have not changed now, nor do I expect to change in the next 10, 20, 30, 50 years. The core of who I am is the exact same, or at least, very similar. I have the same values as before, the same reflex to situations, and my feelings, obviously are still one and the same. I am perhaps less naiive now and more open-minded. I will still love in the same way though: with fervor, with passion, with undying loyalty and commitment (see how that's bitten me in the butt numerous times but I can't stop it because I can't help but be myself?). I will still be hurt when someone breaks up with me. I will still engage in self-blame when things happen. I will try very hard not to, but my instincts will be the same. My coping mechanism will change if I practice hard enough. Still, for the most part, I think I am the same. I don't think I will ever change that much.
As far as my growth and accomplishments go, I also think that I would have pursued the same path I'm on regardless of whether Robert and I are together. I went to college and did long-distance, didn't I? Yes, it's true that I contemplated transferring near him so we can be close together. But I only contemplated it, I wasn't really going to do it, was I? And I imagine slash hope that in my career decisions, Robert would have supported me and made me an even better person because that's what partners do for each other, no?
My other delusion thoughts are that I can be a positive influence for Robert as well. Had he leaned on me during tough times, maybe I could have helped him. Maybe I could have supported him, assisted him, been a partner to him in all the ways he needed, and shouldered the responsibilities for him so that he can also pursue his dreams and later be healthy and happy.
I have all these "what if's" in my head and they are entail happy endings. "What if _____? Then Robert and I would be together." Then I would have never had to meet/date all the assholes I've been with and I would continue to be the pure, happy, blissful, naiive-but-optimistic girl that I used to be.
Immersed in the past
My good friend Nan is in town this week and she and I have known each other since the 8th grade.
We had breakfast together this week and she asked me about B. Toward the end of that relationship, we had emailed back and forth discussing heartbreak and cheating boyfriends, and she wanted to check-in on how I was doing since the breakup. Over pancakes and sausage and hot steaming coffee, she asked me a series of questions having to do with my feelings since I left him and when I looked up, I stared at her blankly and thought to myself, "who?"
Is it possible that being at home, in this time capsule, I actually forgot about all of the heartbreak inflicted by B.? Have I regressed so much in my mental state of being in high school/college, that B. simply does not exist because he doesn't come into my life several years later?
Could it be that by focusing on my first love, I have forgotten about any and all subsequent relationships that broke my heart?
On the one hand, that is awesome! Talk about the resiliency of the human heart!
On the other hand, am I broken? Is my heart so wounded that I no longer have the capacity to deal with any pain after the first heartbreak? Am I so damaged from that first relationship that I am now stunted in my recovery? Am I unable to process anything or anyone else because I'm so immersed in my own history and can't get out of the past? Help.
We had breakfast together this week and she asked me about B. Toward the end of that relationship, we had emailed back and forth discussing heartbreak and cheating boyfriends, and she wanted to check-in on how I was doing since the breakup. Over pancakes and sausage and hot steaming coffee, she asked me a series of questions having to do with my feelings since I left him and when I looked up, I stared at her blankly and thought to myself, "who?"
Is it possible that being at home, in this time capsule, I actually forgot about all of the heartbreak inflicted by B.? Have I regressed so much in my mental state of being in high school/college, that B. simply does not exist because he doesn't come into my life several years later?
Could it be that by focusing on my first love, I have forgotten about any and all subsequent relationships that broke my heart?
On the one hand, that is awesome! Talk about the resiliency of the human heart!
On the other hand, am I broken? Is my heart so wounded that I no longer have the capacity to deal with any pain after the first heartbreak? Am I so damaged from that first relationship that I am now stunted in my recovery? Am I unable to process anything or anyone else because I'm so immersed in my own history and can't get out of the past? Help.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Day 7 Back Home
As I continue to embrace the good and bad about my first romantic relationship, I decide to re-visit our most recent correspondence via email. A few years ago, I impulsively called Robert out-of-the-blue and said I needed to know why. We had already been broken up for 4 years but I had been so emotionally unavailable that I knew I had to know why before I could move forward.
In that conversation, he told me a bunch of things that were hectic and dramatic in his life. And in turn, I immediately moved toward sympathy and empathy. I wanted to ask him, "SO? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH US?" But I didn't because I thought about the challenges he's endured on his own and how exhausted he must be. I asked how he was doing then and he said that he's somewhat depressed and rarely making it out of the house, even. He showed me his super ubtanned arm and said, Look! I'm never even in the sun.
Naturally, I offered to take a walk with him so we can get some Vitamin D in his system. He consented to the idea, but I knew deep down, he only said yes to placate me. He said he'd call me-- which he never did-- and of course, I was broken-hearted. It took another several weeks, tons of drafts, and a whole boatload of courage to write him a very long and emotional email about feeling abandoned (ah, isn't that the essence of our relationship?). And his response? "Sorry, I forgot. I also didn't have your phone number."
I was so disappointed and dejected by his email. But that was when we also began sending emails. A few sentences here and there, a paragraph every now and then. But our email correspondance was always initiated by me. And he was always the one passively responding to questions. So, in time, I stopped writing. And of course, so did he.
As I read through Robert's emails which are quite superficial in content and length, I happen upon my email folder filled with all of the emails that B. used to send me. B. used to write me super romantic emails as well as lust-filled emails that made me feel utterly desired and precious. His intentions were dramatic, emotional, sexy, and intense. Such a stark contrast to Robert's! Looking back at B.'s emails, however, I feel sick, though. I don't feel nostalgic or reminiscent. I'm not even sad that I don't get emails like that anymore. I feel, actually... grossed out. Disturbed, even! Whereas his words conveyed passion, they were just words. Fake words. Fake Words that he spewed to any woman, me being just one of the many.
In retrospect, I realize that I always wished Robert cared more for me. I wished he was hot for me. Red-hot. I always felt like Robert was a lukewarm person. He was neither hot nor cold, he just was. You could not get anything out of him that was extreme or even dramatic. Do you know what his motto was under our senior pictures? "Whatever happens, happens." How's that for a passive guy?
Fighting with Robert was also like fighting with a brick wall. He never said much, and his expressions gave away nothing. I remember crying during our fights, and Robert always had no reaction other than looking down. At one point in time, I had yelled at him and said "I'm crying! How can you have no reaction whatsoever?" With Robert, I always craved more passion, intensity, excitement, and also, lust. I wished Robert would just... want me. In contrast, B. gave me all of that and more. He gave me romance (at first), he set the scenes as though they were from movies, and he was incredibly hot but also incredibly cold too. Being with B. was like riding an emotional roller coaster all the time. He was very moody, very much an alcoholic, very much a womanizer, very much a disordered eater. In short, B. went to extremes in every way possible, sometimes being very depressed and other times appearing manic and unable to settle down.
Perhaps this is where I can appreciate B. for his existence in my life. I'm not fully there yet, being able to look at him as a meaningful experience yet. But I guess he gave me what I always craved. He gave it to me in excess so I now know that it's not enough. Perhaps I got it in excess to know that white-hot passion isn't always the true indicator of how someone feels for you. Comparing Robert and B. side-by-side makes me feel like I under-appreciated all of the good things Robert gave me. Did I overlook his feelings for me in his subtlety? Did I feel "less loved" because he didn't say all the right things, do all the right things? I guess these questions are all moot considering he's the one that left, not me.
In that conversation, he told me a bunch of things that were hectic and dramatic in his life. And in turn, I immediately moved toward sympathy and empathy. I wanted to ask him, "SO? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH US?" But I didn't because I thought about the challenges he's endured on his own and how exhausted he must be. I asked how he was doing then and he said that he's somewhat depressed and rarely making it out of the house, even. He showed me his super ubtanned arm and said, Look! I'm never even in the sun.
Naturally, I offered to take a walk with him so we can get some Vitamin D in his system. He consented to the idea, but I knew deep down, he only said yes to placate me. He said he'd call me-- which he never did-- and of course, I was broken-hearted. It took another several weeks, tons of drafts, and a whole boatload of courage to write him a very long and emotional email about feeling abandoned (ah, isn't that the essence of our relationship?). And his response? "Sorry, I forgot. I also didn't have your phone number."
I was so disappointed and dejected by his email. But that was when we also began sending emails. A few sentences here and there, a paragraph every now and then. But our email correspondance was always initiated by me. And he was always the one passively responding to questions. So, in time, I stopped writing. And of course, so did he.
As I read through Robert's emails which are quite superficial in content and length, I happen upon my email folder filled with all of the emails that B. used to send me. B. used to write me super romantic emails as well as lust-filled emails that made me feel utterly desired and precious. His intentions were dramatic, emotional, sexy, and intense. Such a stark contrast to Robert's! Looking back at B.'s emails, however, I feel sick, though. I don't feel nostalgic or reminiscent. I'm not even sad that I don't get emails like that anymore. I feel, actually... grossed out. Disturbed, even! Whereas his words conveyed passion, they were just words. Fake words. Fake Words that he spewed to any woman, me being just one of the many.
In retrospect, I realize that I always wished Robert cared more for me. I wished he was hot for me. Red-hot. I always felt like Robert was a lukewarm person. He was neither hot nor cold, he just was. You could not get anything out of him that was extreme or even dramatic. Do you know what his motto was under our senior pictures? "Whatever happens, happens." How's that for a passive guy?
Fighting with Robert was also like fighting with a brick wall. He never said much, and his expressions gave away nothing. I remember crying during our fights, and Robert always had no reaction other than looking down. At one point in time, I had yelled at him and said "I'm crying! How can you have no reaction whatsoever?" With Robert, I always craved more passion, intensity, excitement, and also, lust. I wished Robert would just... want me. In contrast, B. gave me all of that and more. He gave me romance (at first), he set the scenes as though they were from movies, and he was incredibly hot but also incredibly cold too. Being with B. was like riding an emotional roller coaster all the time. He was very moody, very much an alcoholic, very much a womanizer, very much a disordered eater. In short, B. went to extremes in every way possible, sometimes being very depressed and other times appearing manic and unable to settle down.
Perhaps this is where I can appreciate B. for his existence in my life. I'm not fully there yet, being able to look at him as a meaningful experience yet. But I guess he gave me what I always craved. He gave it to me in excess so I now know that it's not enough. Perhaps I got it in excess to know that white-hot passion isn't always the true indicator of how someone feels for you. Comparing Robert and B. side-by-side makes me feel like I under-appreciated all of the good things Robert gave me. Did I overlook his feelings for me in his subtlety? Did I feel "less loved" because he didn't say all the right things, do all the right things? I guess these questions are all moot considering he's the one that left, not me.
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