Week 1 Reflections

Yesterday morning, I woke up from a very vivid dream having to do with my first love, Robert.

I dreamt that my dad needed to go to a city near where I live, so we packed up the car and drove a very far distance to get to where he needs to be.  We stopped to have lunch at this restaurant-- and in that restaurant, I saw Robert, serving the meals there because he worked as a waiter.  We made eye contact but we both acted like we didn't know each other.  At one point, I asked if he could bring us some napkins, but we didn't really look at each other during that encounter. Afterwards, when we finished eating, we left and came back home.  In my dream, my grandma was upset that we didn't take her, so we decided to make the trip again.  We drove to the same city (which is actually 15,000 miles away-- oh dreams!) and we stopped at that same restaurant--this time for dinner instead of lunch.  Again, I see Robert there and I now feel self-conscious about being there. I'm nervous about about him seeing me again and thinking that I have returned just to see him. I avoid eye contact as much as I can but every so often, I sneak glances at him.  The restaurant is some sort of Asian restaurant, serving Vietnamese food but having Thai designs throughout.  There is Indian music blaring and people are dancing in their saris.  The activity makes it easier to sneak peeks at Robert without being too obvious.  When dinner is over, mom, grandma and I get ready to leave.  The thought of Robert thinking I'm a stalker is too much to bear, so I march over to him and set him straight.  I say to him, "Look, I'm only here again because my grandma really wanted to come here to eat.  I want you to know that I didn't come back here for you.  I only came for the food and it just so happens that you're here too."  In my dream, Robert doesn't say anything and I decide to conclude our conversation with a final goodbye.  I tell him that it's unfortunate that things are the way they are now.  "We could have been friends, Robert. It  didn't have to be so dramatic so that it's now weird and awkward and uncomfortable to see each other. I don't understand why it had to be this way. I suppose it doesn't matter anymore. I just think it sucks that we can't even be friends, we can't even be amiable. But it is what it is and I can finally accept it now. I finally get it and I'm fine. So, goodbye."  And I turn and walk away.  I don't wait for him to respond.  I don't hope for some kind of reconciliation or even closure.  I walk away and I do not look back. I do not look back.

Then I woke up.

This dream is so meaningful to me because it signifies closure... I think.  In all the years that we've been apart, I've dreamt about him and fantasized about him, and all of my imaginings entail reconciliation.  No matter how I've tried to explain it to myself, I've always ended up envisioning us together.  Not once have I ever ever ever ever ever thought to myself: "this is it."  But over the past few weeks, because I've really been thinking so much about him, I am gradually accepting that this could be/is the final outcome for him and me.

I am starting to accept that there is no happy ending for us, that there will never be a closure for us, and that he will never return to give me the explanation I've been waiting for all these years.  Acknowledging this scenario has set me free in many ways.  To begin, I'm not miserable everyday because I'm thinking/wondering/missing him whenever I'm in my hometown.  Thus far, being at home has been good and I've been living in the present.  I haven't had thoughts that start with: "if Robert and I were together, then we would be doing _____." I have also made the conscious effort to make plans only with the people that I consider to be my friends.  I am determined to only go out for fun and not for information-digging about Robert.  I want to go out with people who help me re-charge and who help me feel invigorated about life.  I do not want to go out only to feel drained and disappointed because I am with them purely to gain more information about Robert.  Still, Robert's friends already heard that I am back in town and have tried to set up get-togethers last week.  I politely declined their offers and postponed them because I wasn't/am not ready.  I only want to go out with them when I can enjoy spending time with them without thinking about their connection with Robert. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me.  When I can see them as my friends (rather than his friends), then I'll go out with them.  When I can maintain inner peace without relying on them to fulfill a hole inside me, then I'll allow myself to be with them.

All of these are pro-active steps that I am taking to move-on from the first love of my life.  My dream has further confirmed that I am on the right track and furthermore, that I am making progress.  For the first time ever, my subconscious is letting him go and accepting that there is nothing between us anymore.  In my dream, there are no tears, no dramatics, no demand for explanation, no apology, no reunion.  There is only awkwardness and uncomfortableness, and a reclaiming of my dignity and a chance to say bye.  Wow, I can't believe that I'm even writing that: "a chance to say bye."  Never in a million years did I think I'd ever have to say "bye" to Robert because I thought he'd always be in my life.  The truth, however, is that he isn't in my life, hasn't been in my life, and will probably never be in my life ever again.  That's still too hard to accept at this time, so I'll take what I have so far and be proud of my current progress.