Week 1: Out of the forest

Week 1 at home!

For my first 3 days here, I was in pure vacation-mode.  I didn't really want to journal, and I didn't need to journal because I wasn't feel any heartache.  But then... a few things happened and I definitely want to write about it to process it all out of my system. I'll devote this entry to the first thing that happened-- and it has to do with B.

A few days ago, I watched a soap opera with my family called "sisters/sisterhood".  It is a show about three sisters (and also best friends) and the relationships they have with each other and their respective families.  Because I never watch the show, I happened to watch the episode when the youngest sister discovers her husband's affair with another woman. She is devastated, shocked, confused, overwhelmed, and immobile.  She takes her young daughter to her parents' home so that she can get-away to process all that has happened.

As I watched this episode, I found myself feeling a strange sense of community with this actress, this character, this woman. She knows how I feel.  Her experience is similar to mine. She is going through what I went through. It was so weird how connected I felt to her, and it was so validating at the same time.  I don't know how people respond to infidelity.  I have never seen anyone react to cheating.  Other than my own experience, I have no sources for comparison.  As such, I don't know whether my feelings are... normal or typical or just flat-out appropriate. About 15 minutes after the show ended, my family and I were sitting around watching a commercial when suddenly, I started bawling.  The tears just erupted out of me and I found myself unable to stop crying.  I heard myself crying too.  The sounds that came out of me were so raw that it almost scared me. I cried from the bottom of my heart. I felt the pain come out of my stomach. I gasped for air and found myself panting and taking huge gasps of air because of how hard I was crying.  It was uncontrollable.  My grandma had gone into the kitchen to make some tea, and when she heard me, she rushed back to see what was happening.  "Why, Sher? What's wrong? What's happening? Why are you like this? Is it because of what happened to that character on the show? Do you pity her, is that why? What's wrong? Please stop crying!" My mom, also in the kitchen, just told her to let me cry it out. And I did.  The whole process was intense but also brief, lasting probably about 5 minutes. When I calmed back down, I simply continued what I was doing earlier -- folding paper boxes for my grandma while watching TV.  My family was kind enough not to mention this incident and to act like the whole scenario never happened.  I was grateful for that.

Still, my sudden outpour of emotions caught-me-off-guard. I haven't thought much about B. recently, and I hadn't realized that he/we still had such an effect on me.  After all, I talk about him therapy, I have journaled about him, cried about him, cut-off all contact with him.  So why did I respond so dramatically?  Also, why was my reaction so delayed? I didn't cry while watching the show.  It was only afterwards that my thoughts and feelings sunk in.  Is this how I generally process pain?  After it's happened?

I remember when B. cheated on me and I ended up taking him back.  Life proceeded quite normally afterwards and my friends and family could not understand how I was able to do that. Where was my "healthy anger?" they asked.  Why are you not responding in the normal way people respond to betrayal?  Why are you not livid? How can you act like nothing has happened?  I couldn't fully explain it then.  All I knew was that I had to hold-it-together for the time being. I had to get-through it logically, and only afterwards, I will then deal with the emotions. I described my strategy as escaping and surviving.  I was running through a forest feeling chased by something big, fast, and scary. I did not have time to stop, think, reflect, or get emotional. I had to run as fast as I could without using any cognitive capacities other than my animal instinct to get out ASAP. I'll think later. I'll reflect later. Once I am in the clear, once I am safe and far far away from danger, then I can allow myself to stop, turn around, and attend to my feelings.  For the time being, I need to just survive. And if that means suppressing my feelings knowing it will overwhelm me and my ability to function-- then so be it.  I will numb myself out until I have the capacity to deal with my feelings.

Well, I'm out of the forest now.  I'm done with that relationship now.  I'm away from danger, from betrayal, from expectations, from disappointment, from hurt and pain inflicted by B. because I am finally away from B. I am safe now because he is far away and cannot just show up randomly. I am protected because I have blocked him online and because I ignore all calls that are "blocked".  I have no wants or desires associated with him, as such, there is no possibility for me to be disappointed or hurt by him.  He can't touch me anymore.  Not physically, not emotionally, not spiritually.  I'm no longer being chased.  I'm no longer escaping or running.  I can now stop, look back, and feel.