Stuck

I am struggling with journaling because I want to numb-out altogether.

I am struggling with the complex emotions that I have, and I am not very self-compassionate about my regressing so far behind that I am now obsessed with the ending of my first relationship.

Grief, I have something to say to you: I hate you.

I knew quite rationally that when grieving over one loss, it is normal to think of all of the previous losses and to have to go through them once again in some way.  What I did not expect was this intensity or anxiety.  What I did not expect was to feel again what I felt 7 years ago and to be in the same exact friggin place again.

Now that I've left my childhood home and am back in my apartment in another city/state/region of the country, I can feel safe again, and distanced from the possibilities of "running into him" or being constantly flooded by memories of him.  Now that I am away, I am able to feel PISSED.  Not necessarily at him, but at myself.

I am livid with ME.

Why am I still here 7 years later?  Why am I in the exact same position that I was in when he broke up with me years ago?  Has nothing changed?  Did I not do any of the mourning or grieving then?  Is it humanly possible to feel the same way you did 7 years ago, the same feelings, the same intensity, the overwhelming disbelief, and the same shock at how things unfolded?  How could it be that I am just as confused and stuck now as I was before?  Where has my emotional growth been all this time?  Have I just been emotionally stunted!?  What has happened or not happened so that I am the exact same person all over again?

People tell me that it's good we broke up.  A blessing in disguise.  They remind me of my growth over the years.  They tell me to think of my accomplishments since the break-up.  They highlight my life experiences over this time period and tell me that it could have never worked out.  If Robert and I were together, I could have never made it this far.  With each of these comments, I am frustrated because I disagree.  I disagree.  I disagree.

I have not changed.  Just as my feelings are the same now, I have not changed now, nor do I expect to change in the next 10, 20, 30, 50 years.  The core of who I am is the exact same, or at least, very similar. I have the same values as before, the same reflex to situations, and my feelings, obviously are still one and the same. I am perhaps less naiive now and more open-minded.  I will still love in the same way though: with fervor, with passion, with undying loyalty and commitment (see how that's bitten me in the butt numerous times but I can't stop it because I can't help but be myself?). I will still be hurt when someone breaks up with me.  I will still engage in self-blame when things happen.  I will try very hard not to, but my instincts will be the same.  My coping mechanism will change if I practice hard enough.  Still, for the most part, I think I am the same.  I don't think I will ever change that much.

As far as my growth and accomplishments go, I also think that I would have pursued the same path I'm on regardless of whether Robert and I are together.  I went to college and did long-distance, didn't I?  Yes, it's true that I contemplated transferring near him so we can be close together.  But I only contemplated it, I wasn't really going to do it, was I?  And I imagine slash hope that in my career decisions, Robert would have supported me and made me an even better person because that's what partners do for each other, no?

My other delusion thoughts are that I can be a positive influence for Robert as well.  Had he leaned on me during tough times, maybe I could have helped him.  Maybe I could have supported him, assisted him, been a partner to him in all the ways he needed, and shouldered the responsibilities for him so that he can also pursue his dreams and later be healthy and happy.

I have all these "what if's" in my head and they are entail happy endings.  "What if _____? Then Robert and I would be together."  Then I would have never had to meet/date all the assholes I've been with and I would continue to be the pure, happy, blissful, naiive-but-optimistic girl that I used to be.