As exciting as this is, my anxiety is shooting straight through the roof. For the past few days, I've been preparing with friends and finding myself flustered, confused, incoherent, and overwhelmed. I feel like an imposter. This feels like imposter syndrome. And I'm terrified of being caught.
My greatest fear is that my interviewer(s) will find out I'm empty inside. They'll realize I'm a facade of knowledge and experience, and that I simply look good on paper, but not in-person. I worry that they will see through me. I feel scared, vulnerable, uncomfortable in my own skin, and terrified. What if no one wants me? What if no one thinks I'm good enough? What if people find out that I am flawed-- not just flawed, period. But flawed in all the places that matter the most?
When I couldn't answer a practice interview question about "4-5 interpersonal strengths", I realized that something was wrong. Even if I am modest by nature, this question should not be so difficult that I stutter and umm and uhh through my way for 5 minutes without coming up with anything other than 2 points: 1) I'm good at making people feel comfortable and able to be vulnerable, and 2) I can relate to anyone.
Today, I finally realized what the major problem is. I feel like I have
What are these secrets of mine? Well, they are my shame. I am terrified that in all my answers, people will realize that I love too much, give too much, want too much of a fantasy, and therefore deny reality too much. The thought of being seen-through horrifies me. I have been feeling vulnerable as it is. Now imagine being asked questions that tap into my strengths and weaknesses, my approaches to problem-solving, my outlook towards the process of change. I fear that in my answers, people will read-through me to learn about who I am. I am terrified that they might know that I just got out of a very unhealthy relationship. I am so scared that they will actually know more about me to realize that I am flawed. I worry that my answers will truthfully reflect my strengths and limitations: they will see that I am scarred and hurting, and that I have made decisions that have hurt me and my sense of self-worth and value.
And then what? What happens after I fail at hiding. What if they no longer respect me after they find out who I am? What if they then decide to ask about my bad-decision-making abilities? What if they find out that I've betrayed my own values, beliefs and priorities before? What if they judge me for my failed relationships in the past, and are impatient at my slowness to quickly "get myself together"? What will happen if they can see-through my answers and know about the "me" that I am working on so much?
I realize that I judge her harder than anyone possibly will. I don't like her, the girl that I used to be. The girl that was with B. The person who stayed with him for so long and denied the truth of who he was. I don't like that she gave up her friends for him, gave up her foods for him, gave up her identity for him. I don't really respect her and I don't have enough compassion for her. I have more anger towards her and more impatience. I am working hard to grow away from her and to be different from her. I do NOT want to identify with her. In turn, I do not want her to represent the person I want to be.
So in an interview setting, I don't want anyone to see her as part of me. I don't want her to be associated with me, much less part of my history and my identity. It's tough enough that I judge her, I don't want anyone else to judge her.
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