Setting the foundation for a relationship

I drove out to the country this weekend to visit my ex-neighbor (and friend) Brenda, and her family.  I met Brenda about 6 months ago actually, when we found out we were neighbors living across the hall from each other.  She has these 4 amazing kids who are well-behaved, loving, and adorable. Other than that, we had so much in common and quickly soon-after, I found myself visiting their apartment frequently to say hi to the kids, pop-in for a snack, or to even drop-off desserts that I made and that I wanted to share.  About 2 months ago, Brenda and her boyfriend moved into a house where they merged together her 4 kids and his 2 teenagers.  To me, they are the modern-day Brady Bunch who are much younger in age and also of a different ethnicity.  They are also one of the best couples I have ever known: individually and together.  I love her boyfriend almost as much as I love Brenda!

In addition to bringing a home-warming present to Brenda, I also went to celebrate her recent engagement to her now-fiancee! Just 3 days ago, Brenda and her boyfriend went to Florida for a short, quick 3-day vacation and on that beach, he proposed to her!  It was exactly what she wanted: a private, romantic, and meaningful celebration! She was also surprised by his attention to detail, considering he got her a ring that was especially designed with sapphires around the edges (her favorite) and 6 surrounding mini diamonds to represent each one of their children! Her ring is gorgeous and is one of the most beautiful piece of jewelry I have ever seen.

So, yesterday, as we chatted over her homemade corn and chicken soup, I found myself feeling immersed in a household of love love and more love.  Just entering her house made me feel... special. Her 4- and 5- year old tugged at me to go play tea party and legos, and her older kiddos rushed over to play with Mr. Z. and to say long time no see!  Whereas I planned to spend a couple of hours at her place that night, I ended up staying until 4am-- exactly 12 hours-- just hanging out with her, her fiancee, and her kids.  We caught up on the last 2 months of our lives and talked about life, love, relationships, compromises, and being true to ourselves.  She talked about the love she has for her fiancee, and about the importance of respecting each other and accepting each other for who they are.  Brenda has survived multiple unhealthy relationships and fought hard to maintain her journey to happiness. She has finally found someone who love her for her.  And she has carried, with dignity, her values to love, trust, and believe in what is good without having to compromise her identity.  I know this all sounds vague, but what it comes down to is having values and self-respect.

To begin, Brenda reminded me that women are the ones who should be in-charge of setting-up how the relationship looks like with her partner.  Basically, we see how men treat one another.  We see how they talk to each other roughly, that they are socialized to show be stoic and emotionless, that they are callous at times because that is the definition of being "manly."  That is the male form of communication and if we want a relationship that looks different from that, then we must ask for it! Expect it! And implement the boundaries to ensure that we protect ourselves when we do not get it.  In short, we have to lead the way: to teach them about respect and to believe that we are deserving of others' respect and love.

As an example, Brenda talked about having fights in their relationship and mutually agreeing with her fiancee that it is unacceptable to ever engage in name-calling. Whenever one of them feels provoked enough to possibly hurl insults, they take a 15 minute time-out before re-convening to discuss the situation.  A while ago, when they were playing a game with each other, her fiancee had jokingly called her a "bitch".  She immediately stopped the game and had a serious conversation with him about the gravity of that term.  She felt disrespected by his name-calling and wanted to make sure it never happened again.  She reasoned that if you can use that term once, even jokingly, then it will be that much easier to use that label again when he is feeling emotional (i.e., mad) one day.  She said that even if he was saying that term in good humor that she had to stop it immediately to make sure he never uses a derogatory terms toward her again.  She had to set the standard from the outset, both for her own sense of self-respect and to prevent any deterioration in their relationship in the future.

At first, Brenda's fiancee was very annoyed by her rigidness and had turned away from her afterwards and told her she was too inflexible.  After all, she had stopped the game and made it so very serious when he was kidding!  He was annoyed at the interruption but she refused to budge. She maintained that she would not compromise on this issue!  It was a good thing too, because a few days later, he realized that she was right. He came to her one night and said he "got it!" He could see her perspective that name-calling, even in a joking manner, might open the door to future name-calling in a different context!

This example, although quite superficial by nature (since it is about name-calling) was actually very profound and made me think about the importance of setting boundaries.  When we say no the first time, then we set the foundation for how we can be treated in the future.  When we respect ourselves and trust ourselves the first time, we set the stage for how others treat us.  We set-up expectations for the relationships, and create standards for treating ourselves and one another.  We become models for the other person. We begin to help ourselves and our partners become better people and better partners

Thinking about this makes me wonder why I always took a backseat in my relationships.  Why did I always let my partner(s) decide what is "good" and what is "bad"?  Why was I always worried about his happiness as opposed to my happiness? Why didn't I ever think of my needs within the relationship? Why did I always consider only his needs, his wants, and his feelings in the relationship, and not mine our even ours? If I don't value myself and respect myself (because I'm always discounting me), then how am I setting a standard for anyone else to value and respect me?

A relationship takes work. effort. energy. compromise.  It takes leadership as well, and a lot of self-love and self-respect to know what is acceptable and what is not.  It take confidence to express what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  It takes boundaries to say when it is going well, and when it needs working on.  It takes 2, but it takes 2 people who are able to think of themselves as individuals and as a team.

I need to work on being a leader for myself.