Being ok with silence

Something has shifted within me this week and I'm now significantly less anxious.

In the last 2 days, I haven't felt sad, disappointed, or anxious when I don't speak to Jay at night.  I don't go to sleep wondering if he's forgotten about me or if I'm insignificant.  I am confident that we'll talk tomorrow if not today. I think to myself, "silence now doesn't mean silence forever."

My newfound calmness is weird. I've never felt quite like this before. Is it because we spent a "real" weekend together? Is it because I can now integrate him into my life AND understand he how integrates me into his?

I went to bed last night reflecting on this sudden different way of being.  The greatest change is assuming that Jay is a staple in my life. I assume he will continue to be my life. I no longer question if he'll be there the next day.

What a minute.... is this what a healthy and secure attachment feels like? Because it's awesome. It means I don't have to spend so much frantic energy worrying about things that are out of my control (ex: he's not there the next day; he no longer likes me; he's going to fall-off-the-face-of-the-earth). I can focus on improving myself. I can also make short and long term plans without worrying about all the what-ifs.

Wow. What a different way to live. What an awesome way to just sit and "be."

I wonder how long this calmness will last because I like it!

Me-time in the midst of We-time.

I drove into town last night to spend the weekend with Jay. Today, we woke up early so he can get to school for a conference he is helping to organize. He'll be gone for half the day and I've been excited to take my work to a coffee-shop or library to catch-up and spend a "real" weekend together. I emphasize "real" because this is what it would be like if we spent weekends together like a real couple, each with our own lives, right? It's not full-time couch-time because we're stuck-at-the hip. I also get to enjoy knowing he's within minutes of me and that we can reunite in the next few hours! I revel in that feeling.

So, I found a gorgeous public library near his house and I've been sitting in this glass room for the past hour, enjoying every millisecond here. There's a beautiful botanical garden surrounding the library, and with small glass bulbs, as though there would be a party there at night. It's utterly romantic and I hope to show it to Jay sometime later this weekend. Once you get into the library, they have sections of the the building dedicated to teens, children, audio/visual materials, etc.  All of the doors are see-through, and the windows are also gigantic pieces of floor-to-ceiling glass. The building is big, airy, windowed, and with high-vaulted ceilings. It is a bit overcast today, so the sunlight coming in feels just right. Not too bright so that it burns your eyes; but brighter and happier than the glare of halogen lighting. Tons of trees surround the building, so I feel like I am sitting amongst the trees, yet connected to all the things I want and need: laptop, electrical outlets, air conditioning, indoor amenities! I am soo basking in this place.

I love libraries and I love my day today. I am so happy that I get to do my work and also be able to juggle my relationship. And I'm excited that my social life is at full-swing. After lunch, Jay's brother and I will take our dogs out to the dog park for an afternoon of four-legged frolic. At night, all of us humans are going to their friend's pool party!

I couldn't ask for a better day-- with the exception of all this hip muscle pain. Must. move. around. And then continue to bask in this contentedness.

Making first contact

So it turns out Jay was on a bike ride for a few hours, hence the unresponsiveness last afternoon.

Still, it's becoming more of a norm that he is less- or non-responsive to my texts.

For example, the super cute Easter egg picture that I sent him? No reaction. I also texted him late last night when walking home from the office at 2am. I asked if he was awake and based on his lack of response, I assumed no. Still, I woke up this morning hoping for a belated text or at least an acknowledgment of mine.  Give me something to work with!

We talked on the phone for a bit last night and it was such an relief for me. I've  really missed him this week and wanted to hear his voice. Being on the phone makes him real and I needed that.

Sometimes, I bask so much in my feelings of relief that I wonder if I seem unresponsive. I am distinctly aware of lulls in the conversation but I'm too busy releasing all that pent-up energy inside me. It's such a relieving process that I often forget what to say. By the time I finally get to speak to him or be in interaction, I no longer know what I wanted to tell him because it all seems trivial compared to tremendous release happening within me.

Fear: I agree with all of those listed.

dontfreakout dontfreakout dontfreakout

Do.
Not.
Freak.
Out. 

That has been running through my mind for the last hour.

Is this how I'm going to live for the rest of my life? Freaked out every single time I don't hear back from my Jay or from any other person I possibly date?

Jay was incredibly tired last night so he texted me a kissy face and said took a short nap. I later texted him a picture of Easter eggs I made with friends' kiddos over the weekend. I made one with his initials as the design! But I didn't hear back from him afterwards.

Fast-forward to today and I've been crazy-busy! I also finally got a referral for a physical therapy (PT) appointment today. Why did I avoid this for as long as I did? My session was amazing. I feel tremendously better and cannot wait to go back. This ol' body of mine is no longer as tightly wound and aching as it was before. Anyways, back to my emotional internal drama....

After my PT session, I texted Jay to tell him about my awesome experience and it's been hours since, He is radio silent. He remains an orange dot on gchat.

During times like this, my heart feels like it constricts. I feel my stomach plummet. I have difficulty catching my breath, and my heart pounds loudly because it is accelerates so quickly. A burning sensation fills my core-- oh, hello ulcer.

As a kid, I had this reaction whenever my mom left the house without us children. I always feared she was trying to shake-us-off to run away. I would wonder if I'd ever see her again. I'd fantasize the possibility of her escaping from us. The alternative possibility was her dying in a devastating accident. I used to stand outside of my house crying and waiting for the traumatic news that I would never see her again: either because of an accident, or because she ran away.

The same panic sets into me now when I don't hear back from Jay, or any romantic partner.

What is wrong with me?

I know that my anxiety is so deeply rooted in childhood, and I've gone to therapy to discuss this. But how do I get rid of it? How do I overcome it? How do I stop it from consuming me?  I have no clue.  If I knew, then I would do everything in my power to make sure I don't feel this way again.

100% committed

Nothing has changed between Jay and me.
But I woke up this morning questioning if he might be "the one" for me.
Maybe he isn't-- and that would be weird for me to even think out loud.

In the past, I never questioned my relationships. I always assumed that they would move forward and I would live happily ever after with my partner. In every relationship, even from the beginning, I'm 100% in!

The only times I've doubted any relationship was when I've been extremely hurt -- like when I was suddenly dumped by Robert and cheated on by B.

Jay has done nothing of the sort. He has not hurt me in any of those ways.

But I woke up wondering if it's possible to be less than 100% committed. Maybe it's OK to question. Maybe I'm not feeling it 100%.

Perhaps he is not the one for me. Possible, he is not my ideal guy.

This kind of thinking forces me to take my rose-colored glasses off to see things for what they are.  As amazing as Jay is, he's not the best long-distance boyfriend despite being only 2.5 hours apart. If I feel this way now, how will it be if or when he goes to Europe or out-of-state for his postdoc?

People refer to having a "love tank" that gets filled by their partner, and when we're together, that tank is filled to the rim. But when we're apart, it is a different story-- and I don't know if I'm OK with that.

Nausea

Day 0.5 on birth control and I feel terrible. I took my dosage last night before bed, figuring that 7 hours later, I would avoid the nausea.  Boy was I wrong.

This morning, I woke up with a pain in my stomach, connected to my heart, and making it difficult to take deep breaths, even. I was also very cold and eventually took a hot bath.

Currently making some hot ginger tea and a baked potato because I need all the comfort food I can get. In the past year, I've gained about 8 lbs. and I am somewhat anticipating gaining even more weight with such my hormones being now manipulated in this fashion.

What did I get myself into? And... is it really worth it?

Birth control

I always assumed that I would be on birth control in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was on it during the 2 years that I was with B., and after we broke up, I stopped, with the expectation that I would resume in a subsequent long relationship.

In the last few weeks, Jay has asked me about birth control since I suggested this as an option several months ago. Today, I went to the doctor's office and picked up my new dose of medicine.

For some reason, I feel a little hesitant to commit.  I had this concern when I first tried birth control years ago. It felt like such an offering to give to my partner at the time-- yes, it had been B.

I know it's wrong to think I'm on birth control for him; instead, I should think I'm on birth control for us! or for me!-- but I don't think that way. I still experience it as a sacrifice because I'm experimenting with my organs for his pleasure (and mine too, kind of).

In my head, there's an unspoken tit-for-tat exchange. It's a contract that says: "you better not screw me over because of all the changes/sacrificing I am making."

It's so scary to make such a significant change for one person; because that one person has the ability to break you in a million pieces if they ever wanted to.

Saturday night

It's 830pm on a long-weekend Saturday night and I am restless.
I've been alone all day and feeling unsure of what to do with myself.
The plan was to work all day so that I can relax and meet with friends tomorrow. But I got in around 2am last night after spending an entire day with dear friends who were visiting for the weekend.
I woke up at 1130am and some breakfast and netflixed for hours until I took a nap. Woke up around dinnertime to take a short bike ride with Mr. Z. before grocery shopping.
I'm now home and cleaning out the kitchen-- still feeling restless with myself.
This weekend,  Jay is out-of-town visiting family for Easter.
Many friends are out of town, and the ones here are heading to a restaurant/bar as we speak.

I have no desire to be out; but I'm not entirely productive or excited about staying-in.
I'd enjoy netflixing the rest of the night, but my guilt will consume because I have so much work that needs to be done.
If Jay were here, my entire attention span would be focused on him and it wouldn't be an option to feel restless.

Was life like this when I was single?

So far, I've called Jay 2x. Last night, while driving back at midnight; and this afternoon, when trying to set-up my bike rack on my car. Both times he's been busy-- sleeping and then watching a movie, respectively. It seems that whenever I want to hear his voice, he's not available.

Is this what long-distance will be like when he leaves in a few months? Texts here and there? Minimal phone conversations?

I need daily voice-interactions. At least weekly skype/videochat sessions. And some indication that I'm missed.

Second time crying

My 2nd crying experience came on the heels of my 1st!

It happened on Sunday, after Jay and I attended a BBQ event for a work even with my colleagues. While we were there, people asked about his graduation date and his post-graduation plans and I was jolted back into reality and his impending departure in a few months. Over the last few weeks, I've had so much fun that I forgot he would be graduating and leaving at some point. Later on one of my friends' colleagues started referred to his job offer in Europe and spend the rest of the night encouraging him to take the job so that Jay can offer him a free place to stay when he visits. The conversation did not end there. In fact, when it was clear that I was in earshot of their conversation, this person had the audacity to say: "uh oh, I better stop encouraging you because Sher is going to kill me for telling you to go!"  Still, he continued to make comments throughout the night-- and even made things serious when he said to Jay: "It's clear that this opportunity in Europe is better for you and will help your career more."

I was calm. I did not react throughout the BBQ. 

Afterwards, When we got home, I asked Jay if Europe was a real possibility.  "It is a possibility," he murmured. Then, I asked if that was what he wanted for his next career move. "I'd much rather be in the U.S." he responded, as he sat down on the couch, ready to turn on the TV. As I sat next to him, tears started sliding down my face and he quickly realized my mood change. "Why are you upset?" he asked in disbelief? 

Um.. why? My head reeled as I thought about a logical answer to his question:

• Because you're literally physically leaving me
• Because our relationship will totally change and we won't see each other every weekend anymore
• Because this change isn't temporary-- who knows what will happen after next year
• Because there is a difference between being long-distance domestically and long-distance internationally
• Because we haven't talked about this change
• Because I don't know what's happening: when you're leaving, how long you're leaving for, where you'd like to go, how you feel
• Because I don't know what you think about all of this
• Because I don't know where I fit in your schedule and life-change
• Because what if you change and no longer want me?
• Because what if hurt me in the same way Robert hurt me when we were in a long-distance relationship?

My brain reeled and reeled. All I could say was, "I don't know what will happen to us" and in response, Jay squeezed my chin and tried to lift my face up as he said "I love you, I think we're great together and I want to stay together. I don't want this to change..."

In that moment, 2 contrasting thoughts and emotions flashed through me:

1. Yay! He's saying he loves me for the first time ever without me saying it 1st! He wants to stay together and he's assuming we'll make it work, no matter what!
2. Those words mean nothing to me. The last time someone said to me, "... but I love you" was when B. used that as an excuse over and over when confronted by his infidelity. Those 3 little words have lost their meaning and impact on me. Unless they're backed by action, it's an excuse to do horrific, heartbreaking, devastating things to me. It's a band-aid on a castrated body part. It does nothing to stop the bleeding. It has no effect on the pain and loss of a limb and nerves and gushing blood.

In the end, I said nothing because the analytical part of me took-over. I wiped away my tears and realized that I couldn't ask from him what I wanted the most. What could he possibly offer that could make me feel better? What could I actually ask from him that he can give to me? 

• "Can you promise not to hurt me in the same way the others have, in the past?"
• "Can you promise me never to cheat on me?"
• "Can you promise never to disappear-off-the-face-of-the-earth from me?"
• "Can you promise not to break my heart?"
• "Can you promise to make me relive any kind of pain or trigger any kind of sadness?"

How is it fair to make him pay the price of pain that has been inflicted from someone else?

I can't ask from Jay any of those things, and he can't offer any guarantees to me, either. Relationships are about faith, trust, and belief, and that's what I need to rely on. I have to accept the ambiguity of our relationship, and accept there's nothing I can do to ensure certainty for this relationship.

As I reminded myself to live in the present and be considerate of what he can and cannot offer me, I settled more into by body and into the realization of not-knowing. I told Jay that my previous relationships have really impacted me and that my 2-year long-distance relationship ended in a way where there was no closure; hence it's so upsetting to think of the distance. I volunteered this piece of me and my history because it was all I could offer him without resorting to those questions above. What I said aloud was objective, factual, and rational. It was not me demanding promises from him. I disclosed this history because it is a history that haunts me and it is the root of my fear and anxiety of being abandoned-- again.

Over the weekend, I've shared with Jay, as much as I can about my relationship history. It's raw, unarticulated, painful stories that make me feel drained, vulnerable, and simultaneously understood. I didn't plan any of this. But it also didn't proceed impulsively or callously. My words and my emotions are the best that I have to offer him so that he can have a glimpse into me and the inner workings of my heart and brain. I couldn't have shared this with him in a more coherent way, and it was the least emotional I could have been. He saw the most rational version of me while I was emotionally intense and chaotic inside.

First time crying in front of my boyfriend

I can now say I had my first crying experience in front of Jay. It happened on Saturday, and if that wasn't enough, I did it again on Sunday.

I'll backtrack and provide an overview first.

Friday night, Jay arrived late and was not able to make it to my work event. I even had time to hang out with friends at a music festival before coming home to meet him. We went shopping for foam rollers because I've been in pain over the last few weeks from some kind of muscle pinch/sprain. We also got food and snacks for our Saturday road trip!  During the first hour with Jay, I was miserable. I was in pain, I was exhausted, and I was in no mood to entertain.  30 minutes of intense foam rolling later, I was much much better. I also slept wonderfully, despite my fears that my body would be in too much achey-ness and to sleep with someone else.

Saturday morning, we woke up, had eggs, bacon, and some leftover kale/tofu/tomato, and then left for a 4 hour road trip to the Blues festival. We talked the whole trip and listened to music. Upon arriving at the festival, we saw my friend Andrew, who by the way, looks vaguely similar to B., which prompted a flash-flood of memories that haunted me and our road trip back home. The music fest was fun, but after 2 walks around the event, we were both tired and somewhat bored. We ate, drank, shopped, and were ready to head home! On the way back, Jay somehow started talking about birth control options and recounted friends of his telling him that Plan B is a mortifying experience. At first, I decided not to say anything, but then I took a deep breath, took a risk, and told him that I had that horrific experience when I had to once stand in line for Plan B. I described the humiliation of having to show your driver's license ID in order to get that little pill. Meanwhile, B. had wandered off in the store to buy chocolates or find whatever it was he wanted. As I told this story, my emotions began to build and I soon found myself tearing up.  It was terrible. We were about 30 minutes away from home and I was driving while crying.

At first, Jay thought I was cold and asked if I had the sniffles. I put up my hoodie so he couldn't see me in the dark, but for some reason, the crying wouldn't stop. Eventually, Jay realized and asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I was so embarrassed that I said no and kept crying. I told him bits and pieces. And I explained that my feelings were likely erupting having seen that B. recently "found" me to know where I am. Jay didn't say much, but he was a good listener and said that he would "take care of it" if B. ever came to find me. It was comforting to hear him say that. Eventually, I stopped crying because I know that Jay is so different and that the past is the past.

I also cried on Sunday but I'll save that for my next post. Just recounting this crying experience drained me.

Post-its to yourself

As I continue to have flashback memories of B., I also had a powerful memory just now that I want to make sure to remember.

I tried to break up with B. so many times. But I was weak then, and too concerned about hurting him and also hurting myself even more.  One of my final attempts included the help of a close friend, Maria. She had watched me suffer throughout the latter part of the relationship and was witnessing me spiral towards the end. She had never seen me so drained and so unhappy, that she, and along with other friends, told me in different ways that "the light inside [you] that is so bright is being sucked out of you."

One day, as we sat in my apartment, I told her I was finally done with B. She took immediate action after I told her this, and said she will help me make sure not to feel sorry for him again. She knew that I was scared of ending things: for him and for myself.  

It only took her minutes, but she did something that really made such a difference in my empowerment process. She grabbed a post-it pad from my desk and began scribbling.  I didn't pay much attention, but later, she went around my apartment and posted she wrote in different rooms and places: bathroom mirror, kitchen cabinets, TV, walls, etc.

Each post-it had its own short message. They said things like:

• Stay in a relationship out of love, not fear.
• You deserve to be happy.
• You are NOT alone.
• You can totally do this.
• People who love you do not hurt you repeatedly.
• People who love you take "no" for an answer.
• A cheater betrays you because of him, not because of you.

I looked at those post-its everyday for a month even after he left for New York. The post-its were my friends. They represented the people who loved me, who saw me for who I was before him, and they supported me when I felt most alone. I have saved those post-its and to this day, I feel so grateful for my friend Maria, and for the messages that I needed when self-empowerment was not accessible to me.

So often in life, we may feel alone, yet we have the love of so many others who may not be around you to give you that immediate feedback. That's OK, though. Even if you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there. Give it to yourself! Channel them! Bring them into your world and space through whatever way that is liberating.

Apparently, post-it notes are the thing for me. This memory brings such a smile to my face and I'm reminded of how lucky I am, how loved I am, and how blessed I've been to have had, and continue to have good people being the majority of those around me.

Setback

I read my last entry and began to cry.
I felt sorry for myself. Sad about my history. Heartbroken that I experienced and continue to have flashback experiences of such fear and helplessness.

Being "discovered" by B. is like being "caught" when running away from someone chasing you down. I feel so vulnerable and scared. It's no wonder I'm experiencing such a setback in my productivity this week.

For all I know, B. was just curious to look up my name and see what I'm doing these days. Now that he knows, he is very likely to be laughing at me, actually. Last time we saw each other, he had gotten a job in New York City, and has therefore achieved his dream of being in a big city. Even when we were in grad school together, he always mocked where we were and called it a "village" even though it clearly wasn't.  He's definitely laughing at me now and thinking I live in a completely rural community.

I don't mind that much, actually. I don't particularly care what he thinks. Sure, my ego might be a bit bruised, but I'm happy for the most part. I didn't want to be in New York city. I had the option of going there for a job, but I knew he was there and I also did not want that kind of lifestyle.

Here's one perk of being in a small town. He won't come down to find me because he'll never "be in the neighborhood" for any reason other than to find me. And if that's the case, then that would be my biggest fear come true. Yes. You read right. It is one of my biggest fears to see him because he denies hearing anything he doesn't want to hear. He has no respect for any of my feelings. And he has walked over me, crushed me, and manipulated me in every way possible.
So many examples come to mind:

• He told me once, before I went to work, that I should not wear big belts because I am "short and chubby" and a belt would cut my length in half. He said that the big belt look is for models who are tall and skinny and therefore it is not flattering for me at all.
• He punished me when I ate food that I loved because he didn't like to kiss me afterwards. He would turn his face away from me or push me away until I did exactly what he wanted.
• In the bedroom, he told me that "American girls are lazy; they just lay around."  That was his way of conveying to me that I was part of a inferior culture and that I was one of many many women for him; especially one that wasn't doing it good enough for him.
• He did not respect me anytime I said no. He forced me against my will even when I explicitly said no. No to: being poked, tickled, having sex when I didn't want to, cook a meal at 11pm because he was manic and had excess energy, go for liquor runs even though I hated doing that...

All of this hits me now and I feel so completely drained. What a setback.

Feeling dirty.

The other day, I opened my email and saw that someone had "discovered me" in my linked in profile.  Who was it? A huge picture popped up and it was my emotionally and sexually ex-boyfriend, B.

My heart fell into my stomach and I quickly turned off my computer and walked away. In the afternoon, I left work early and took Mr. Z. for a long 2-mile walk. I returned home at night, still unable to open-up my computer.

I showered that night. Afterwards, I took a bath. I watched some TV. I cooked. I played my guitar. Nothing felt right. It was like my space had been invaded-- again. My goosebumps returned. Fear filled my chest and the rest of my upper body. I felt dirty, as though I'd been exposed to an outbreak virus that I couldn't wash off.

Some history:
When I caught B. cheating years ago, we stayed together for another year. During that time, I was never angry. I was never able to feel hate. All I felt was sadness and the pressure to take care of him above myself myself. I felt guilt every time I contemplated leaving him because of the pain I could cause him. I was scared of the potential devastation it would cause him. He would also never allow me to break up with him because he'd come back again and again and again. Until I was too exhausted to say no to him.

B. is a master manipulator who has womanized more women than I could ever count. I accidentally discovered him seeing 3 other women (I found this all out in a weekend period, spread out!)-- so can you imagine how many women he was with during our 2 year relationship? I'm not even considering how much he cheated when he had been in relationships before me.

I hate him now and I'm so glad I am capable of having feelings other than sadness and guilt. I hate him. I fear him. I am terrified he has found me and may show up at my door one day. 

In typical B. fashion, he will look at me with excitement, like we are long-lost friends who are re-united. He will act as though there has been no pain, betrayal, or damage inflicted by him. He will want to touch me, hug me, poke me, and he will crush my boundaries. I will want to curl into myself and disappear so that he can leave me alone. I will threaten to call the police again and I will consider it sexual harassment if he shows up. I've told him before that I never want to see him again. I've warned him that I will seek legal consultation if he ever invades my space again.  The problem is, he never listens to what I have to say and he will do what he wants to do.

It's such a helpless feeling to have. It's times like these, I feel so powerless being a woman instead of a man, being physically weaker, smaller, and less able to protect and defend myself. I want to be a feminist about this, but the truth is, I don't feel empowered in this case.

Couples Vacation

Jay and I have talked about taking a trip together to visit the city I lived in last year! I still have friends there. The summers are gorgeous there. And it would be my first trip with a partner-- ever.

I'm psyched, nervous, excited, and of course, there's dread.  I've realized that when there's excessive anxiety, I feel automatic dread.

I asked Jay yesterday how he feels about taking this trip in the next month. He's fine with it, and now the ball is in my court. Book those tickets?  I'm really quite nervous. What emotional reactions will I have when I'm back in the city reminiscing all the "should haves, would haves, could haves?"

What if I cry while I'm there because this trip is also a closure to the life I always imagined I'd be having? Flashing lights, happening people, city life.

What if, the things that are meaningful to me don't feel that way to him?

What if we want to do different things while we're there? Eat different things? See different things?

What if, what if, what if...

A couples trip is a BIG deal. I've heard that travelling can be a deal-breaker experience because that is when you see a version of your partner that is different from your day-to-day experience. That fact is nerve-wracking.

What if he sees something on this trip that completely horrifies him? (That would be me. He sees something in me that is horrifying?!)

NOT missing him

I haven't felt the familiar pangs of missing Jay in the last few days. I wonder why that is.  Could it be a bad sign? Am I feeling under-stimulated by this relationship? Or if I put on a positive spin, perhaps we are settling into a routine now?

Last Saturday was our 6 month anniversary of meeting each other. I found some old memories that dated us and he also recognized the significance of this month.  He said let's celebrate next weekend! So maybe we will. Who knows. He kind of lives in the moment, so we may forget to by the time we see each other.

I just feel so tired these last few days. I have been feeling constantly tired. I have to clean before he arrives. I have to do laundry. I have to make space for him.

I'm also anxious thinking about this weekend and the upcoming month.  All of my time outside of work is booked solid for the next few weeks: socially and professionally.  This weekend is a prime example of that kind of busy-ness that makes me feel tired already! Movie and panel discussion on Friday night, dinner/social outing on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and I asked Jay if he wanted to take a 4 hour road trip to a music festival. Why did I do that, by the way?

I feel so tired thinking about this weekend. I'm also nervous thinking about having to tell him about these plans. What if he thinks: Wow, those plans sound boring, I don't want to come. What if he thinks: I'm too busy and decides it's not worth his efforts to make the trip.

Anxiety + dread = immobilizing condition. No wonder I've been so unproductive in the last few days. No wonder I don't miss him. I don't have the energy left!

Me-time!

It's my first Friday being solo without the company of Jay!

I have a work gig tomorrow that requires all-day attendance, so I knew ahead of time we'd have 2 weeks apart.

I'm not particularly sad or missing him, actually.

Truth be told, I've been a tad excited about the possibility of having Friday night to myself.

Last night was the first Thursday in 6 months that I got to relax and do nothing. I didn't have to clean the house from top-to-bottom in anticipation of his visit. I also wasn't running around doing emergency laundry and packing for a weekend trip.

My agenda for tonight is to take Mr. Z. for a long walk, attend an outdoor festival to see some friends, and then head home for a relaxing night.  I'll need to board Mr. Z. overnight since I'll be out of the house by 7am tomorrow and only returning home late at night.  So, I definitely want to squeeze in some quality time with my sweet sweet dog.

Afterwards, I'll probably sit around and do some work in front of the TV. Yes, even doing some work tonight would be relaxing. The point is, I can just be tonight -- in my own mess-- and without having to cater to anyone else other than myself!

Tonight is me-time!

Do you ever run out of things to say?

I heard from Jay a couple of hours after my last post. He was completely unfazed by our lack of communication. In fact, he texted just as he has regularly done so for the last half year with: "Hey, how's your day going?"

Afterwards, we talked on the phone and there was quite a lot to catch-up on since we hadn't spoken in 2 days to each other. It was kind of fun to learn about what he's done in a whole 48 hour-period and to learn about all these new things he's doing. He's basically going on the paleo diet and has been drastically changing his eating habits. As if his physical fitness wasn't already extreme.  I can't get over how self-disciplined he is, and self-motivated, and driven. Man, that's sexy.

Sometimes, I worry if we'll ever run out of things to say to one another.  I worry that I might run out of things to say to him, so I'll bore him. And then he'll leave me! I also wonder if he'll run out of things to say to me and then he'll leave me because he'll think I'm too boring to talk to.

Oh, wow. I just realized that in both scenarios, I'm taking responsibility for both of us running out of things to say to each other.

What an ideal example of me being super doubtful of myself. I'm always wondering when I'll be abandoned because something about ME is not good enough. It's so exhausting to live this way, but I just don't know any other way.

Radio silence

Jay hasn't initiated conversation with me in > 24 hours.

He has not responded to my text from > 16 hours ago.

Who's counting the hours? I am!

Surprisingly, I'm OK.

My anxiety hasn't skyrocketed to outerspace. 

I am not mentally pacing.

I am also not drowning in self-doubt and self-blame. 

I am actually doing quite well, even if I say so myself.

That may change in the next few minutes or hours, though. 

For now, I'm choosing to believe he's suuuuper busy. 

A large part of my calmness has to do with his consistency throughout our relationship, so far. Since we initiated conversations in October, we have been in-touch every single day. Yes, every single day for the last (almost) 6 months! It is this kind of history that allows me to be okay with this temporary lapse (I hope) in communication. I mean, I'm his girlfriend, so he can't just disappear on me right now, can he?  I've met his brother and parents. There's no way he could just peace out on me just like that, right? Still, we have no upcoming future plans together so that part is a little scary.  Usually, when I begin to have some doubt about my relationships, I think about any upcoming events we've scheduled together to assure myself that he can't fall off the face of the earth.

As ridiculous as it sounds, thoughts like those bring me comfort. I think to myself: "He can't leave me right right now because we have plans to _____."  Or, "He can't dump me and slip away in the night because in 2 weeks we have plans to ______. It's simplistic thinking, I know. And as I write this, I'm wanting to laugh and say ha! As though that would be enough to keep 2 people together.  Still, it's how I've coped and so far, it has worked pretty damn well.

So, I'm going to keep coping and moving on with my day. Experiencing a little bit of anxiety but it's not dramatic and not bad at all considering I could easily be internally flipping out.

If only he knew that radio silence is the worst way to ever punish me. It is absolute torture and I would rather take direct (and even aggressive) confrontation from someone saying "I hate you! Get away from me." I would take that any day over this: not knowing, waiting, possibly being abandoned as we speak.