Feeling dirty.

The other day, I opened my email and saw that someone had "discovered me" in my linked in profile.  Who was it? A huge picture popped up and it was my emotionally and sexually ex-boyfriend, B.

My heart fell into my stomach and I quickly turned off my computer and walked away. In the afternoon, I left work early and took Mr. Z. for a long 2-mile walk. I returned home at night, still unable to open-up my computer.

I showered that night. Afterwards, I took a bath. I watched some TV. I cooked. I played my guitar. Nothing felt right. It was like my space had been invaded-- again. My goosebumps returned. Fear filled my chest and the rest of my upper body. I felt dirty, as though I'd been exposed to an outbreak virus that I couldn't wash off.

Some history:
When I caught B. cheating years ago, we stayed together for another year. During that time, I was never angry. I was never able to feel hate. All I felt was sadness and the pressure to take care of him above myself myself. I felt guilt every time I contemplated leaving him because of the pain I could cause him. I was scared of the potential devastation it would cause him. He would also never allow me to break up with him because he'd come back again and again and again. Until I was too exhausted to say no to him.

B. is a master manipulator who has womanized more women than I could ever count. I accidentally discovered him seeing 3 other women (I found this all out in a weekend period, spread out!)-- so can you imagine how many women he was with during our 2 year relationship? I'm not even considering how much he cheated when he had been in relationships before me.

I hate him now and I'm so glad I am capable of having feelings other than sadness and guilt. I hate him. I fear him. I am terrified he has found me and may show up at my door one day. 

In typical B. fashion, he will look at me with excitement, like we are long-lost friends who are re-united. He will act as though there has been no pain, betrayal, or damage inflicted by him. He will want to touch me, hug me, poke me, and he will crush my boundaries. I will want to curl into myself and disappear so that he can leave me alone. I will threaten to call the police again and I will consider it sexual harassment if he shows up. I've told him before that I never want to see him again. I've warned him that I will seek legal consultation if he ever invades my space again.  The problem is, he never listens to what I have to say and he will do what he wants to do.

It's such a helpless feeling to have. It's times like these, I feel so powerless being a woman instead of a man, being physically weaker, smaller, and less able to protect and defend myself. I want to be a feminist about this, but the truth is, I don't feel empowered in this case.