When feeling rejected, disengage.

I am in disengagement mode.

For the last 3 days, I have been sitting with the information that my boyfriend had (or even has) a crush on one of his close friends. His answers to my questions have added greater doubt, and I have never been as insecure in my relationship.

Last night, I called him and it went voicemail. Mid-morning today, I get a text from him saying he was working out and fell asleep as soon as he got home.

I couldn't text back. I just wanted to pull away and disappear for a little bit.


Jay: Baby I went to the gym and did 7 miles on the bike then weights last night. I was so tired after, I passed out when I got home. (10am)

Jay: Baby! (1pm)

By the time it was late afternoon, I knew I had to say something. I wanted to be congruent with my own heart, but I also didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing, either.

Me: Hi
Me: Thanks for letting me know, hope you had a good workout last night
Me: I went to the gym this morning too! (430pm)


Yes, I tacked on an exclamation mark because it seemed important not to seem like a cold-hearted bitch. But alas, that is how I feel. I just want to disengage and disappear for a few days until I figure out how I want to have a conversation with him.

At the gym this morning, my friend Alesha encouraged me to write down a list of all the things that I want to ask him. So, here it goes, completely unfiltered:

1. Do you still have a crush on Connie?
2. If so... I don't know what to ask next.
3. If not, why not? What changed?
4. Were you and Connie ever more than friends?
5. If so, what changed?
6. If not, why did it never progress that way?
7. If Connie told you she wanted to be with you now, what would you do?
8. Are we together by default? Am I the second-rate option that you got because for some reason, you and Connie did not get together?
9.  Would you tell me in the future, if you had a crush on someone else?
10. Would you ever leave me for someone else?
11. How would I know if you were unhappy in our relationship and needing/seeking something elsewhere?
12. How would I know if you are happy in our relationship?
13. How would I know that you choose this relationship because you want it, as opposed to it being the passive option?

Here are my needs:

1. Greater elaboration on his crush and what that meant in his previous relationship
2. Understanding of what it would mean if he had a crush in this relationship
3. Why is he with me? Affirmations greatly needed
4. Recognition of why/how this bothered me

Am I missing anything else?
I don't want to over-think this too much because it shouldn't be a third-degree interview when I do talk to him.

What is the difference between being vulnerable vs. being needy?

What is the difference between being vulnerable versus being needy?

A few years ago, my therapist literally told me to stop saying the word "clingy" in the middle of a therapy session. She had tallied the number of times I said it within only a few minutes, and apparently I said it numerous times. She asked me why I kept using that word and applying it to myself.

So, I explained.
First of all: Wedding Crashers is probably one of my favorite movies ever.
Secondly: the scene really stuck with me, when Vince Vaughn (aka the character Jeremy) freaks out and says he's gotta leave--pronto-- because he's got a stage-5 clinger. Clearly, a S5C is equivalent to freshly chewed gum smeared onto your brand new shoe from the burning hot pavement. You just want it off and away from you ASAP.

In recent years, I have a newfound respect for S5Cs. They are courageous and gutsy because they pursue who/what they want! There was no shame involved in Wedding Crashers when Isla Fisher (aka the character Gloria) pursued Jeremy at full force. It appeared that she was 100% authentic, transparent, and honest with herself (**SPOILER ALERT** if you haven't already watched it-- it turns out she did like about some important facts, but the main point is that she pursued her romantic interest with her true heart of hearts).

Me, on the other hand? I think I'm an undercover S5C. At least, my greatest fear is that I'm a S5C to begin with. I'm definitely someone that constantly strives to be vulnerable and isn't that the same as being a clinger? I fear that disclosing my wants, needs, desires, is equivalent to letting someone realize how insecure I really am.

• What if what I ask for is too much? 
• What if I seem too needy? 
• What if he is unable to give me what it takes to "fill up my gas tank?"
• What if he chooses not to reciprocate?

What if, what if....

These questions inevitably lead to me shutting off all my questions. On the surface, I appear to be calm and easy going. But what's actually happening inside is that a million questions are flying out and I am trying to smash them away so that I don't reveal my true fears.

I read this awesome blog today that distinguished vulnerability from neediness. In short, the author shared that that vulnerability is about "being (you)," whereas neediness is about "expecting" from others. Vulnerability is based on the self. It's about how I want to be. Neediness however, is entirely dependent on the other person's response, and so it is outcome-based and dependent on someone else.

It was such a great blog post, I have so much thinking to do.

What does it mean to be vulnerable?

One of the major obstacles to intimacy is the ability to be vulnerable: to let down your guard, to let the other person see directly into you, and to let them access a part of you that is asking for them for something.

So, what does it mean to be vulnerable?

I think that being vulnerable is equivalent to being naked and not knowing how the other person will respond when you have a plea.

• You have to be willing to drop trou (drop your trousers-- is that what that means?) and let it all hang out. 
• You are baring it all and knowing that the other person may not respond in the way you hope they would.

Being vulnerable is sharing your most uncomfortable self while asking for something. It's letting it all hang out while saying to the other person: "Now that you see my flaw(s), are you still willing to stick around to give me _____?"

• The question-asking is a critical component. If it weren't for that, then we wouldn't call it vunlerablity. 
• It's recognizing that there is a supply-&-demand dynamic and the other person has the power to say no so that you are rejected in multiple ways: 1) for baring your soul, 2) for the request you are making, and 3) for requesting while being naked. It's a triple TKO.

I so envy people who are able to be vulnerable. I am able to do it with friends, but definitely not in a romantic relationship. In a romantic context, I've always experienced it as a weakness, and the reason why someone would run away screaming in the opposite direction.

When your boyfriend tells you he had a crush on one of his current friends...

I've been scouring blogs all day, trying to find anything to help me learn the skills to have a productive conversation about jealousy.

I haven't found one that can give me the concrete tools to do this.

I spent an entire week with Jay when we celebrated his graduation this past week. He flew in and spent about 4 days with me before we attended his ceremonies and then his bff's wedding. It was the most time I've ever spent with him. So, I've been in a bit of withdrawal since.

A lot happened last week. I'll save that for another post. The focus of this entry is about his disclosure that he had a crush on his friend while he had been in his last relationship.  Let me rewind...

Over the course of graduation weekend, one of Jay's friend, Connie, came to almost every gathering he had, from his 2 ceremonies, to the post-graduation lunch, breakfast the next day, and then dinner and movie night the following night. In between that time, she even gave him a gift and a card-- something none of his other friends offered him. Sweet, right?

A little excessively sweet. So much so that I noticed it and asked him on our 2.5 hour drive home. My question was initially innocuous because I hadn't expected anything out of the ordinary. I simply said to him, "Wow, I hadn't known you and Connie were so close. She came to every event this weekend and even gave you a gift!" To which he replied that he sees her as one of his top 3 friends from grad school. I was actually a little surprised by that answer, considering I know exactly who Jay's top 2 friends are, and have also felt close to them over the last two years. One of them is a girl, so I had asked him before if anything romantic ever happened between them since they spend so much time together, including sleeping over on vacation trips in large group settings. It didn't feel out-of-the-ordinary to pose this question again, and rather than respond like he did last time (he said "oh, she's like a sister to me"), he actually said, "Yeah, actually I had a crush on her when I was with my last girlfriend."

Huh?
What?
Come again?

There were so many things wrong with this sentence.
1) Had a crush on her
2) While in your last relationship
3) Had a crush? Or still has a crush?
4) In the midst of a relationship? Any relationship? This relationship?

I pushed away the shock factor and tried to ask more questions.
Me: So, why didn't you get together with Connie after you and your ex-girlfriend broke up?
Jay: It just didn't happen
Me: Why didn't you pursue Connie by ending things with your girlfriend? Your relationship fizzled in the end, so why didn't you jump ship if you felt chemistry with Connie?
Jay: We had been together together for 7 years!

I actually flipped out when he responded to my second question. I actually regret how reactive I was because it was not necessary to be so defensive. I said to him that if he EVER thought the grass was greener on the other side, then get the fuck out this relationship because I would not want number-of-years-together (aka loyalty) to be the only reason he feels tied down by me

And then a hot tear barrelled out from one eye so I had to stop the questions because it was too mortifying to let him know how emotionally intense I was feeling.

In essence, the conversation ended because 1) Jay is too dull (versus sharp) to notice how distressful this information was to me, and 2) I did not know how to continue the conversation in a way that would a) be constructive to our relationship and b) where I would be true to my own feelings.

It's been 3 days since this conversation and I still feel conflicted inside. I have a million questions swirling in my brain, none of which I feel confident in asking. The conflict is this: with any question I am asking, whose purpose am I serving? Is it because I want to know certain things for my own curiosity? Or am I asking certain questions to advance our relationship? This is a major distinction because couples do not need to know all the details to one another for a relationship to thrive or even continue. But individuals want to know for their own curiosity, and that curiosity can actually kill a relationship sometimes.

What to do, what to do?