When feeling rejected, disengage.

I am in disengagement mode.

For the last 3 days, I have been sitting with the information that my boyfriend had (or even has) a crush on one of his close friends. His answers to my questions have added greater doubt, and I have never been as insecure in my relationship.

Last night, I called him and it went voicemail. Mid-morning today, I get a text from him saying he was working out and fell asleep as soon as he got home.

I couldn't text back. I just wanted to pull away and disappear for a little bit.


Jay: Baby I went to the gym and did 7 miles on the bike then weights last night. I was so tired after, I passed out when I got home. (10am)

Jay: Baby! (1pm)

By the time it was late afternoon, I knew I had to say something. I wanted to be congruent with my own heart, but I also didn't want to make a big deal out of nothing, either.

Me: Hi
Me: Thanks for letting me know, hope you had a good workout last night
Me: I went to the gym this morning too! (430pm)


Yes, I tacked on an exclamation mark because it seemed important not to seem like a cold-hearted bitch. But alas, that is how I feel. I just want to disengage and disappear for a few days until I figure out how I want to have a conversation with him.

At the gym this morning, my friend Alesha encouraged me to write down a list of all the things that I want to ask him. So, here it goes, completely unfiltered:

1. Do you still have a crush on Connie?
2. If so... I don't know what to ask next.
3. If not, why not? What changed?
4. Were you and Connie ever more than friends?
5. If so, what changed?
6. If not, why did it never progress that way?
7. If Connie told you she wanted to be with you now, what would you do?
8. Are we together by default? Am I the second-rate option that you got because for some reason, you and Connie did not get together?
9.  Would you tell me in the future, if you had a crush on someone else?
10. Would you ever leave me for someone else?
11. How would I know if you were unhappy in our relationship and needing/seeking something elsewhere?
12. How would I know if you are happy in our relationship?
13. How would I know that you choose this relationship because you want it, as opposed to it being the passive option?

Here are my needs:

1. Greater elaboration on his crush and what that meant in his previous relationship
2. Understanding of what it would mean if he had a crush in this relationship
3. Why is he with me? Affirmations greatly needed
4. Recognition of why/how this bothered me

Am I missing anything else?
I don't want to over-think this too much because it shouldn't be a third-degree interview when I do talk to him.