I drove down to see Jay this weekend. As we had discussed via skype, we planned to talk more about "us" on Friday, but I struggled throughout our time together not knowing how to bring it up. Here's the re-cap of our weekend together
Friday:
I arrived a little before midnight and Jay was still attending a party after running a 10k with his friends in another city, so I went to Jay's brother's house so that our doggies can have a get-together while we caught-up. Jay's brother told me about is plans to propose to his girlfriend next week, and the steps he had taken to lead up to this momentous occasion (e.g., getting her parents' permission, getting a diamond, waiting to get the band, etc.). We also talked about Jay's reaction to all this--or lackthereof! Apparently, brothers don't really process this stuff with each other. Later this weekend, Jay told me I seem to know more about his brother's plans than him!
Around midnight, Jay arrived, and the 3 of us finished a movie before we went to Jay's home to sleep!
Saturday:
We woke up naturally on Saturday morning and lounged for a bit before going to an outdoor BBQ party at Jay's friend's house. He played beer pong while I laid in the sun with his friend, enjoying the heat and savoring the cool breeze blowing our way. We stayed there for several hours until we finally left to go home to check on Mr. Z. He had thrown up 4 times that morning and it was very concerning that he had been unable to keep anything down. It turns out the jerky that Jay's brother gave him might have been the culprit because that was a new treat he'd never had before.
We had several plans for the afternoon prior to watching Godzilla at 10pm that night. We thought about looking for some golf shoes and also re-doing the grip on one of my golf clubs. We wanted to get some practice shots at the driving range because earlier in the week, Jay had bought me a golf club as a surprise. We also planned to get some candies for the movie that night because his friend and I both loved Swedish Fish! All of that went to the wayside because we fell asleep in the living room. When we woke up, I suggested driving range and dinner, so we did! I asserted no fast food so the middle-ground was eating at Subway.
Before watching the movie, I told Jay there didn't seem to be time to talk about us since we're so busy! He suggested talking about it after the movie but, really... how do you introduce that topic after watching a super kick-ass action-adventure flick? I couldn't.
Sunday:
Sunday morning required an alarm clock so we could make our way to the golf course that was about 1 hour away by car. On the ride there and back, I thought of how to bring up topics about us. I couldn't, I felt like a Debbie-Downer, so I didn't.
Finally at night, minutes before packing up and getting ready to leave, I sat down and asked questions about us and what the summer might look like. I watched the TV as I spoke -- both because he kept it on, and also because I was nervous. After we stopped talking, Jay checked-in to see if I felt better about our conversation. I did because he assured me that he's not all words, but that he will do whatever it takes to make it work. I needed to hear that. He also emphasized that he has had a very successful long-distance relationship in the past and that the relationship's ending had nothing to do with the distance.
Whew, I think. Whew. I did it at the last minute, but I did it!
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Bringing up my incompletion
After spending this week doing some deep emotional processing (alone, with friends, and through teletherapy with my amazing therapist), I planned a skype date with Jay so I can talk to him about my heartbroken feelings incompletion.
Towards the end of this conversation, Jay encouraged me to dialogue with him in the future. He told me I can tell him my reactions in-the-moment instead of having to hold them inside like I did this time. It was incredibly sweet and I felt so uncomfortable, awkward, and exposed. I told him I felt embarrassed and didn't want him to see all of "this" (aka my crying face). I asked if his Skype camera was zoomed in on my face or if it captured the entire background-- and unfortunately, he had zoomed it on my mug!
Jay is such a good guy and this was the best conversation I could have ever asked for, and the best conversation I have ever had. I have never conversed with someone like this before. Never have I been in a dialogue with a partner who is is receptive, open to, and attentive to the content of what I'm saying. H was sensitive to my emotions, too! Jay was affirming, responsive, considerate of my feelings, and he allotted me space to express myself. He was actively involved in our conversation and proactive in problem-solving with me so that I wasn't talking at him and feeling like I was solely responsible for the well-being of my feelings and for our relationship.
As a result, I never had to resort to using my back-up plan that is developed out of reactivity and fear. My back-up plan was to conclude our conversation with: "I don't know if we can be together if we have such discrepant expectations about our relationship and from each other. I can't be with someone who doesn't see me in his future." But I didn't have to say any of that because he didn't let me! It wasn't even an option because I didn't feel so abandoned in the relationship that I needed to jump ship to preserve my own dignity and integrity. I didn't have to utter something that I didn't even believe. I was also present and real and genuine!
We talked about other things first. We then joked around a good deal before I got to the point.
- I started by first asking if I can talk to him about something (he said yes).
- Then I told him how difficult it was for me to even have this conversation.
- Finally, I referred to the party on Friday and noted the inconsistency between his behavior from what he told me when he said we'll both know have news together about when he is leaving.
Jay said nothing while I spoke. Appropriately, of course, but still uncomfortable. Given his silence, I spoke more and quickly while secretly hoping that Jay would intervene so it would feel less awkward. But he let me talk, probably because he sensed the seriousness in my voice. Finally, I stopped because I said enough. There was nothing else to explain other than let him know that I felt such incongruence between us. I didn't get it, so can he explain it to me?
He did.
Jay explained that nothing has changed and that he continues to be waiting for news about a postdoc position. He said he doesn't think much about leaving because he is so immersed in dissertating and anything beyond that feels outside of his current train of thought. He speculated that after submitting his dissertation, then the reality of leaving will likely begin to sink in. For now, he is completely and utterly focused on writing, writing, writing.
I thought about his answer and empathized with the need for his short-term focus. I offered words of comfort to say that I am confident he'll finish writing his dissertation, and certain that he'll be graduating. He is a rockstar, after all. We may have changed topics after I said that. But in my head, however, I simultaneously felt like his mentality was quite selfish. I understand that dissertatin is stressful. Um, hello! I've done it! at the same time, I wanted to say, "what about me?" "Do you think it's fair for me to have such a short time-frame to absorb you leaving, based on a timeline that works for you?"
Jay plans to defend his dissertation in July, graduate is August, and anytime after that, he can leave for a postdoc! If it doesn't "sink in" for him until July, then does that mean I have to live in this kind of uncertainty and loneliness without being able to process him until July? And then, after that, I would have just one month to process his departure before he leaves for who-knows-how-long?! Does that seem fair to me? (The answer is no. In fact, it's a hell no!)
Jay plans to defend his dissertation in July, graduate is August, and anytime after that, he can leave for a postdoc! If it doesn't "sink in" for him until July, then does that mean I have to live in this kind of uncertainty and loneliness without being able to process him until July? And then, after that, I would have just one month to process his departure before he leaves for who-knows-how-long?! Does that seem fair to me? (The answer is no. In fact, it's a hell no!)
So I said to Jay that, unlike him, my experience of living in this kind of uncertainty has been emotionally tumultuous. Since I get zero information from him, I'm forced to squash my curiosity and deny the possibility that he is leaving. I literally forget he is leaving, and am "reminded" only when conversations such as the one on Friday comes up. The reminders are also freaking painful. It's not just the conversation itself; it's also because they happen with me learning this information accidentally and on the sidelines because they were't even intended for me. It's not a one-time experience, it's been multiple times! I cried as I spoke because I couldn't hold in how sad I felt. It was so embarrassing because I felt vulnerable and raw and terrified that he was seeing this part of my pain.
And then Jay responded.
First, he apologized for unintentionally hurting me because he had no idea this has been my experience. He said that he now recognizes how serious this is for me, and so, we should talk more about it in-person when we see each other on Saturday. Then he said, wait, I'll see you Friday, so we can even talk about it on Friday night, OK? I said OK and nodded. I told him I don't know what his expectations are about us and our relationship and that was what's been most terrifying. In my world, my friends and colleagues see the significance of this relationship and his leaving; but he doesn't seem to include me in his decision-making process at all! This discrepancy makes me question if we're even on the same page about this relationship.... Before I could finish my sentence, Jay interrupted me and said "Oh no. We are very much on the same page. I mean, I love you!"
Let me pause for a second here. It is so rare that Jay initiates saying the 3 little words: "I love you"-- and so my heart skipped a beat and I flew toward cloud 9 before dropping back into our conversation. Then I had to give myself a reality check to return to what we were doing. As happy as I was to hear him say that, however, I needed to let him know my standing fears. I told him, "that's great! But it's not really enough for me. There's a difference between what you say and what you do and so, your words don't give me enough security for a future of long-distance." I gave him the example of wanting ice cream versus getting ice cream. It was meant to be an example about desire versus action but I don't think I explained it well.
I then used another example of losing weight and said that I may want to lose weight but that is very different from scheduling time in my life to engage in activities that will lead to weight loss. "Ohhh!" He said! "Intention versus action! I get it," he said. He got it! My heart squealed with happiness.
I then used another example of losing weight and said that I may want to lose weight but that is very different from scheduling time in my life to engage in activities that will lead to weight loss. "Ohhh!" He said! "Intention versus action! I get it," he said. He got it! My heart squealed with happiness.
Towards the end of this conversation, Jay encouraged me to dialogue with him in the future. He told me I can tell him my reactions in-the-moment instead of having to hold them inside like I did this time. It was incredibly sweet and I felt so uncomfortable, awkward, and exposed. I told him I felt embarrassed and didn't want him to see all of "this" (aka my crying face). I asked if his Skype camera was zoomed in on my face or if it captured the entire background-- and unfortunately, he had zoomed it on my mug!
Jay is such a good guy and this was the best conversation I could have ever asked for, and the best conversation I have ever had. I have never conversed with someone like this before. Never have I been in a dialogue with a partner who is is receptive, open to, and attentive to the content of what I'm saying. H was sensitive to my emotions, too! Jay was affirming, responsive, considerate of my feelings, and he allotted me space to express myself. He was actively involved in our conversation and proactive in problem-solving with me so that I wasn't talking at him and feeling like I was solely responsible for the well-being of my feelings and for our relationship.
As a result, I never had to resort to using my back-up plan that is developed out of reactivity and fear. My back-up plan was to conclude our conversation with: "I don't know if we can be together if we have such discrepant expectations about our relationship and from each other. I can't be with someone who doesn't see me in his future." But I didn't have to say any of that because he didn't let me! It wasn't even an option because I didn't feel so abandoned in the relationship that I needed to jump ship to preserve my own dignity and integrity. I didn't have to utter something that I didn't even believe. I was also present and real and genuine!
All in all, this was a success.
...and this weekend, we will be talking about our relationship. We will air out all the things that I am excited by and terrified of, such as our expectations about this relationship, our expectations of each other, and in some ways, planning the short-term future to know where we stand in the context of each other's life plans.
There isn't a conversation in the world that I could look forward to more than this.
At the same time, I'm scared out of my wits' end because we will now tackle topics that scare me to my core. I will have to tell him more about myself and my emotions. I will also have to know his perspective and that is terrifying. What if his worldview is dismissive of me? What if he doesn't value me as much as I value him? What if, upon realizing how much I need from him, such as him being more emotionally expressive and planful-- what if he then decides that I'm too much to handle?
...and this weekend, we will be talking about our relationship. We will air out all the things that I am excited by and terrified of, such as our expectations about this relationship, our expectations of each other, and in some ways, planning the short-term future to know where we stand in the context of each other's life plans.
There isn't a conversation in the world that I could look forward to more than this.
At the same time, I'm scared out of my wits' end because we will now tackle topics that scare me to my core. I will have to tell him more about myself and my emotions. I will also have to know his perspective and that is terrifying. What if his worldview is dismissive of me? What if he doesn't value me as much as I value him? What if, upon realizing how much I need from him, such as him being more emotionally expressive and planful-- what if he then decides that I'm too much to handle?
Now that we are planning to talk about all things deep and intense, I am fearful that he will know exactly who I am; what my needs are; and then he can reject the real me.
That's the safety of hiding. When you keep your relationship superficial, you never have to worry if he's seen the real you. It isn't so scary because you can believe that he doesn't know you enough to want to leave you. Impression management is everything. Once you're "out" and once you're an open book and he has access to your vulnerabilities, then you will know that that if/when they leave you, it's because they saw the real you and didn't want the real you. There is no longer any control and you are at a complete disadvantage. AHHH! Now that is motherfucking terrifying. That is the stuff that bonds a couple and it's also what can lead to their demise.
Overcoming incompletions
The universe is good to me.
As I've been thinking about Jay, I've felt nervous about having difficult-and-necessary dialogue that follows my intense emotions. Of course, I can also stifle my own emotions until I explode. Why would I do that? Because "doing something about it" feels too threatening. Just the thought makes me sad because I don't know how to bring up past issues when it likely seems so outdated to someone else other than me.
And then I came across this article in my facebook feed. It is an article entitled: 8 steps to get past differences with your partner.
The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I thought that this article was written especially for me! The content focuses on how to address unresolved issues that are still relevant in your relationship, and gives advice for how to bring them up.
I am so relieved and liberated to know there is a term for what I've always struggled with. The concept is called "incompletions" and that is the unresolved crap that I usually deal with alone. Historically, it has always taken me a while to be able to process my emotional experiences. That means I grapple with many incompletions because not only are these issuesno longer not on his radar, but I also do not know how to begin to bring it up
So often, I don't know how to bring up an issue that's already passed. I fear being seen as clingy, overly emotional, unable to let go of things from the past. I am so concerned with impression management that the incompletions never have a place than go, other than to fester, pickle, and marinate in my heart so that they never get brought up.
Seriously. this was such a great article.
As I've been thinking about Jay, I've felt nervous about having difficult-and-necessary dialogue that follows my intense emotions. Of course, I can also stifle my own emotions until I explode. Why would I do that? Because "doing something about it" feels too threatening. Just the thought makes me sad because I don't know how to bring up past issues when it likely seems so outdated to someone else other than me.
And then I came across this article in my facebook feed. It is an article entitled: 8 steps to get past differences with your partner.
The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I thought that this article was written especially for me! The content focuses on how to address unresolved issues that are still relevant in your relationship, and gives advice for how to bring them up.
I am so relieved and liberated to know there is a term for what I've always struggled with. The concept is called "incompletions" and that is the unresolved crap that I usually deal with alone. Historically, it has always taken me a while to be able to process my emotional experiences. That means I grapple with many incompletions because not only are these issues
So often, I don't know how to bring up an issue that's already passed. I fear being seen as clingy, overly emotional, unable to let go of things from the past. I am so concerned with impression management that the incompletions never have a place than go, other than to fester, pickle, and marinate in my heart so that they never get brought up.
Seriously. this was such a great article.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Bursting the bubble
My bubble has burst. Once it bursts, there is no going back.
My bubble is the illusion that Jay might be "the one" for me. It's the belief that we could live happily ever after together.
But, upon entertaining (even for a second) that he may not be the one, the bubble officially bursts and it becomes impossible to resume wearing rose-colored glasses about our relationship. I also have to wave goodbye to all of the associated fantasies.
Today, I spent the day partly working and somewhat immersed in my thoughts about this relationship.
I wonder so much about Jay's last relationship and the role he played in its demise. Did he fail to cultivate that bond? He told me he felt no sadness when the relationship ended because they became friends instead of lovers. Will that happen to us? And will that be a function of our incompatibility or his lackluster attitude? How can I prevent this from happening? Can I stop it from happening? And is it my responsibility?
My bubble is the illusion that Jay might be "the one" for me. It's the belief that we could live happily ever after together.
But, upon entertaining (even for a second) that he may not be the one, the bubble officially bursts and it becomes impossible to resume wearing rose-colored glasses about our relationship. I also have to wave goodbye to all of the associated fantasies.
Today, I spent the day partly working and somewhat immersed in my thoughts about this relationship.
- Am I happy now? (Yes! For the most part)
- What makes me happy in this relationship? (Feeling loved when I'm with him!)
- Will those factors still be there when we're in a long-distance relationship? (Probably not!)
- Why did Jay and his ex-girlfriend fall-out of love after being in a 10 year long-distance relationship?
- How might the same scenario replay itself now?
- Why is it so terrifying for me to anticipate someone falling out of love with me?
I wonder so much about Jay's last relationship and the role he played in its demise. Did he fail to cultivate that bond? He told me he felt no sadness when the relationship ended because they became friends instead of lovers. Will that happen to us? And will that be a function of our incompatibility or his lackluster attitude? How can I prevent this from happening? Can I stop it from happening? And is it my responsibility?
A large part of me feels fearful. I'm at the precipice of a decision because a small part of me is panicking and impulsively wants to initiate a break-up. I'd rather end things now than have him slowly fall out of love with me. When he falls out of love, he will do it carelessly and without any hurt. Whereas for me, I already know it will be a long, arduous, torturous process.
I totally wonder what his ex-girlfriend's experience of their relationship was like. Did she shed a lot of tears in their relationship? Did she feel overlooked and minimized when he planned his life without her? They were together for 10 years! I mean, gee whiz! I asked him before if he had thought of marrying her and his response was yes-- yes, because they had been together for so long! (What a crappy answer)
Where's the romance? Where's the passion? Is that how he sees relationships? Sees us? And sees me?
While talking to my mom over the phone, she speculated a somewhat boring predictable life with him, characterized by us living our separate lives while living in the same home. He will do his thing while I do mine. He'll work and have his career while I have mine. On weekends, we'll do some fun activities together and it will be that way over and over. He's not the type of guy to offer sparks or fireworks. There will be minimal passion and romance because he doesn't say or do things like that. But it'll work. It'll be a relationship that works and is sustainable because he's a seemingly good guy who seems more naiive and focused on his career advancement than mean or hurtful. He won't intentionally try to hurt me. If anything, it would be his oversights that make me cry, and his lack of attention to things that are meaningful to me.
Is that the kind of relationship that I want? Do I want normal, stable, somewhat distanced, but an amiable partnership? It sounds horrible to me and I can't imagine anything more boring or even lonely. But mom emphasized that those are the relationships that stand the test of time! Whereas for me, I've also enjoyed the kinds of relationships that are tumultuous and adrenaline-inducing because of the highs and lows in the roller coaster ride.
So, what do I want? And what do I do next? My heart hurts.
Dagger to my heart
I neglected to mention that at Friday's work party, my heart got broken even though I pretended nothing happened. It happened when my boss met Jay for the first time. They proceeded to have a conversation about his future-- one in which Jay mentioned nothing about me.
She asked about his upcoming future and he told her that he's "leaning towards" a post-doc position that is in the U.S. As they conversed, he explained that it is a great position because it will allow him to lead a new research team to prepare him for creating his own research team in the future.
Wait, what? All this time, I thought it was a 50/50 possibility between a position in Europe to a position in the U.S. When did that change? Also, is that why he's interested in staying in the U.S.? So that he'll be leading a research team? How awesome, how exciting! How come I don't know anything about his decision-making process or about the factors driving such an important decision?
I stood in shock and hurt as the conversation continued forward...
"So, how far will you be away from Sher?"
16 hours by car.
"What?! Isn't that so far away? What about your parents? Are you leaving them also?"
Oh, they're used to it by now. I haven't been home since grad school.
"Oh my goodness, that means we'll have to take much better care of Sher since you'll be gone."
Thank you for caring way more about me than my own boyfriend does.
In the 3 minutes that this conversation progressed, my heart lurched and imploded at the same time. Jay lied to me. Last time, when I cried to him and told him how hard this upcoming long-distance change will be, he said to me "you'll know any news when I know any news." Well, I clearly didn't know anything this week, but he sure knew a lot. What does that make him? A LIAR!
I also felt ridiculously validated by my boss's complete surprise when she learned he'll be leaving and she expressed her concerns for me and for this relationship. "What about Sher?" Yes, Jay. What about her and this relationship? You have a girlfriend-- or did you forget? Your leaving affects her-- do you have that bit of awareness at all?
When I came to work this Monday, my boss asked if I was job-searching in a different state. Apparently, the conversation she had with Jay freaked her out, and she was afraid I'd be leaving my current position to follow him! Separately, my friend Gina told me on that same day that my other colleague expressed concerns to her that I'd be leaving my position because of Jay.
Uh. What? Leave my job for Jay?
I hadn't realized the irony of this entire situation until I talked to my mom on the phone this morning. I briefly mentioned it to her and she completely put it into perspective for me. Everyone in my life sees his departure as being significant in my life; but Jay does not perceive his move to have any impact on me whatsoever. I don't know how my mom does it, but she saw right through to that differential discrepancy in how meaningful this relationship is to us. She was so succinct when she said: "He may not be doing it on purpose, but is hurting you without even knowing it." I cried. A lot. The more I talked with mom, the harder I cried. She helped contextualize why this circumstance feels so painful right now.
This exact situation is a combination of my pain with Robert and the B. For example, she reminded me that words are just words unless backed by action. In my last conversation with Robert before breaking up, he told me "I want you, I want us" and then he proceeded to disappear from my life. What I'm experiencing now with Jay is similar: a replay! Jay says he wants to stay together; but his actions are inconsistent. He has said "I love you, I want us to stay together." Meanwhile, he's making his individual plans without even considering that I exist when he's making these future plans.
As for how this situation mirrors my experiences with the Serbian, well, it's not surprise that I feel completely betrayed. Jay told me he would let me know as soon as he knew anything about his upcoming post-doc position. He did not do that. His exclusion of me throughout his planning is also an overt way of telling me I don't matter in the long run. In fact, he's probably just passing the time with me before he moves forward with his life. WOW. This is so reminiscent of how B. used me to pass the time in his last year of graduate school. B. couldn't plan for the future because he didn't see commitment in his life (not when fidelity was required). He just wanted people to party and play with. He had no appreciation for anything future oriented. Like Robert, he lived a life characterized as whatever happens, happens" (this was actually Robert's high school senior year quote) and moved on as soon as the next better thing happened.
Me? I am the opposite of all of that way of life. I am the flip side to letting things spontaneously fall into place. I'm all about controlling the future, being proactive and planful, and moving forward intentionally with as much precision, preparation, and anticipation as possible. If I want ___, I will do everything I can to protect ______ from other competing, demanding pressures of my time. I will prioritize and prize _____, and I will likely outline steps to ensure that I make time and reserve my energy and resources accordingly. I will take the necessary actions because "wanting _____" is different from "taking actions to make sure _____ is preserved."
On Sunday, I asked Jay how single life has changed since being in a relationship. His answer? He's more active on the weekends now, instead of being a bum at home. His response was like a dagger to the heart! Apparently, that's the value of having me in your life. You now have an additional place to go, and a playmate to do things with. And when the time comes for you to move on with your life, well, then, goodbye plaything-- onto the next place, the next thing, and to whatever is happening next!
I feel heartbroken.
She asked about his upcoming future and he told her that he's "leaning towards" a post-doc position that is in the U.S. As they conversed, he explained that it is a great position because it will allow him to lead a new research team to prepare him for creating his own research team in the future.
Wait, what? All this time, I thought it was a 50/50 possibility between a position in Europe to a position in the U.S. When did that change? Also, is that why he's interested in staying in the U.S.? So that he'll be leading a research team? How awesome, how exciting! How come I don't know anything about his decision-making process or about the factors driving such an important decision?
I stood in shock and hurt as the conversation continued forward...
"So, how far will you be away from Sher?"
16 hours by car.
"What?! Isn't that so far away? What about your parents? Are you leaving them also?"
Oh, they're used to it by now. I haven't been home since grad school.
"Oh my goodness, that means we'll have to take much better care of Sher since you'll be gone."
Thank you for caring way more about me than my own boyfriend does.
In the 3 minutes that this conversation progressed, my heart lurched and imploded at the same time. Jay lied to me. Last time, when I cried to him and told him how hard this upcoming long-distance change will be, he said to me "you'll know any news when I know any news." Well, I clearly didn't know anything this week, but he sure knew a lot. What does that make him? A LIAR!
I also felt ridiculously validated by my boss's complete surprise when she learned he'll be leaving and she expressed her concerns for me and for this relationship. "What about Sher?" Yes, Jay. What about her and this relationship? You have a girlfriend-- or did you forget? Your leaving affects her-- do you have that bit of awareness at all?
When I came to work this Monday, my boss asked if I was job-searching in a different state. Apparently, the conversation she had with Jay freaked her out, and she was afraid I'd be leaving my current position to follow him! Separately, my friend Gina told me on that same day that my other colleague expressed concerns to her that I'd be leaving my position because of Jay.
Uh. What? Leave my job for Jay?
I hadn't realized the irony of this entire situation until I talked to my mom on the phone this morning. I briefly mentioned it to her and she completely put it into perspective for me. Everyone in my life sees his departure as being significant in my life; but Jay does not perceive his move to have any impact on me whatsoever. I don't know how my mom does it, but she saw right through to that differential discrepancy in how meaningful this relationship is to us. She was so succinct when she said: "He may not be doing it on purpose, but is hurting you without even knowing it." I cried. A lot. The more I talked with mom, the harder I cried. She helped contextualize why this circumstance feels so painful right now.
This exact situation is a combination of my pain with Robert and the B. For example, she reminded me that words are just words unless backed by action. In my last conversation with Robert before breaking up, he told me "I want you, I want us" and then he proceeded to disappear from my life. What I'm experiencing now with Jay is similar: a replay! Jay says he wants to stay together; but his actions are inconsistent. He has said "I love you, I want us to stay together." Meanwhile, he's making his individual plans without even considering that I exist when he's making these future plans.
As for how this situation mirrors my experiences with the Serbian, well, it's not surprise that I feel completely betrayed. Jay told me he would let me know as soon as he knew anything about his upcoming post-doc position. He did not do that. His exclusion of me throughout his planning is also an overt way of telling me I don't matter in the long run. In fact, he's probably just passing the time with me before he moves forward with his life. WOW. This is so reminiscent of how B. used me to pass the time in his last year of graduate school. B. couldn't plan for the future because he didn't see commitment in his life (not when fidelity was required). He just wanted people to party and play with. He had no appreciation for anything future oriented. Like Robert, he lived a life characterized as whatever happens, happens" (this was actually Robert's high school senior year quote) and moved on as soon as the next better thing happened.
Me? I am the opposite of all of that way of life. I am the flip side to letting things spontaneously fall into place. I'm all about controlling the future, being proactive and planful, and moving forward intentionally with as much precision, preparation, and anticipation as possible. If I want ___, I will do everything I can to protect ______ from other competing, demanding pressures of my time. I will prioritize and prize _____, and I will likely outline steps to ensure that I make time and reserve my energy and resources accordingly. I will take the necessary actions because "wanting _____" is different from "taking actions to make sure _____ is preserved."
On Sunday, I asked Jay how single life has changed since being in a relationship. His answer? He's more active on the weekends now, instead of being a bum at home. His response was like a dagger to the heart! Apparently, that's the value of having me in your life. You now have an additional place to go, and a playmate to do things with. And when the time comes for you to move on with your life, well, then, goodbye plaything-- onto the next place, the next thing, and to whatever is happening next!
I feel heartbroken.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Weekend bonding
Jay came over on Friday and we had an action-packed weekend doing so many new things together!
He arrived Friday night to meet me at my colleague's home to attend a work party. He met all of my coworkers, some of my students, and he did it after a 2.5 hour drive in the rain. Afterwards, we went home and called it an early night!
On Saturday morning, we woke up and lounged for a good part of the morning. I made a bacon and kale egg scramble and we watched TV together until we both got hungry for lunch. We went to one of our favorite buffet places and saw that the weather was so good despite earlier predictions of a 3-day rain-fest. So we went forward with our plans to play golf! The last time I played 18 holes of golf must have been years ago. In fact, I still don't have my full set of clubs so I was quite nervous about how poorly I'd perform in front of Jay. He plays golf pretty frequently with his colleagues and I did not want to be humiliated. In the end, it turned out we were both around the same level--- fortunately because I retained more muscle memory than I expected. We spent 3 glorious hours riding around in our cart and playing quite decently, I'd say. I had beautiful drives and his short game was incredibly impressive, to say the least!
Following our golf outing, we went to eat ice cream (in a waffle cone of course) and went to some sports stores to window-shop at golf equipment. We ordered pizza and was passing the time before our pick-up. When we got home, we got comfortable on the couch and decided to stay-in for the night. But after about an hour of sitting on the couch, my hip was in such pain that I went to stretch out! Meanwhile, Jay laid on the couch reading his kindle and watching TV. It was cute to see him there. At some point, I gave up on trying to stay awake so I ended up falling asleep before being gently woken by Jay. The rest is history, of course :)
We woke up Sunday morning, having enjoyed sleeping-in. I watched TV for a bit while Jay made an eggs and bacon scramble. Afterwards, I did some grading while he finished the movie. Then, we went on our 1.5 hour excursion to go outlet shopping for workout clothes that I've been wanting. Given my love for organic food, he also remembered that a new grocery store had opened in the same city and volunteered for us to get food together. What?! Clothes shopping and grocery shopping together? That is definitely intimacy in a new fashion. When we got back home, we finished watching a movie and got to spend some time together before he headed back for his drive around 9pm.
I came straight to school to do my grading and now it's almost 230am! Eek!
He arrived Friday night to meet me at my colleague's home to attend a work party. He met all of my coworkers, some of my students, and he did it after a 2.5 hour drive in the rain. Afterwards, we went home and called it an early night!
On Saturday morning, we woke up and lounged for a good part of the morning. I made a bacon and kale egg scramble and we watched TV together until we both got hungry for lunch. We went to one of our favorite buffet places and saw that the weather was so good despite earlier predictions of a 3-day rain-fest. So we went forward with our plans to play golf! The last time I played 18 holes of golf must have been years ago. In fact, I still don't have my full set of clubs so I was quite nervous about how poorly I'd perform in front of Jay. He plays golf pretty frequently with his colleagues and I did not want to be humiliated. In the end, it turned out we were both around the same level--- fortunately because I retained more muscle memory than I expected. We spent 3 glorious hours riding around in our cart and playing quite decently, I'd say. I had beautiful drives and his short game was incredibly impressive, to say the least!
Following our golf outing, we went to eat ice cream (in a waffle cone of course) and went to some sports stores to window-shop at golf equipment. We ordered pizza and was passing the time before our pick-up. When we got home, we got comfortable on the couch and decided to stay-in for the night. But after about an hour of sitting on the couch, my hip was in such pain that I went to stretch out! Meanwhile, Jay laid on the couch reading his kindle and watching TV. It was cute to see him there. At some point, I gave up on trying to stay awake so I ended up falling asleep before being gently woken by Jay. The rest is history, of course :)
We woke up Sunday morning, having enjoyed sleeping-in. I watched TV for a bit while Jay made an eggs and bacon scramble. Afterwards, I did some grading while he finished the movie. Then, we went on our 1.5 hour excursion to go outlet shopping for workout clothes that I've been wanting. Given my love for organic food, he also remembered that a new grocery store had opened in the same city and volunteered for us to get food together. What?! Clothes shopping and grocery shopping together? That is definitely intimacy in a new fashion. When we got back home, we finished watching a movie and got to spend some time together before he headed back for his drive around 9pm.
I came straight to school to do my grading and now it's almost 230am! Eek!
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Revisiting an old wound
As mentioned earlier, Cinco de Mayo has sucked over the last few years
After writing my last post, I worked in the office a bit before deciding to revisit my old would. I decided to locate the email that I read when I catching B. red-handed with his cheating ways. I searched for 5/5 emails and had to look through several years of old mail before finally finding it. His email wasn't entitled "Re: Re". It was "Re: ??" and at first, I hesitated before opening. It's been 4 years later since I discovered that email and I haven't read it since the break-up. But in the end, my curiosity got the best of me.
I took a deep breath and began reading.
First I reviewed his strand in the emails. And then her strand, then his strand, then hers again....
I read it. I re-read it.
And then I repeated the process in chronological order.
I laughed because I realized the email strands were funny, dramatic, and... psychotic. Here were 2 people who barely knew each other but were desperately clinging to one another. They couldn't actually like each other. They didn't even know each other! These 2 people didn't even know themselves that they had to elicit so much validation from one another to confirm that their lives were worth living; and that their existence had meaning.
I laughed because I'm so fucking glad I got out of that relationship. It also dawned on me that I'm much happier now than before. I have nothing to mourn about. Why do I get so sad on 5/5? For what? It's a damn shame I've let so many Cinco de Mayos go to waste when I'm in a much better place now than when I was with him!
Why have I been so devastated by someone who was so dramatic, desperate, and clingy to anyone that would give him the time of day? Whatmakes made him influence enough to change my mood from happy to sad? No more, I decided. Never again!
So, I took a deep breath and read that email one last time. I had a final laugh and officially decided that I never want to be upset on Cinco de Mayo again. From now on, this will be a day of celebration. It will be an acknowledgment of the fateful day that helped me leave a lying, cheating, toxic man who lacked empathy and perspective-taking. From hence forth, I will celebrate having gotten away from him and being able to enjoy my life: either happily single or with anyone else that improves my quality of life.
Starting today, 5/5 will officially mark a day of celebrating my physical and emotional healthiness, my agency and mobility to pursue my dreams without worrying about someone else, and my freedom to be just me without wondering about someone else's judgment (ahem, B.)
5/5 will be a good day from now on and I will begin to model it ASAP.
That night, I embarked on a 12 mile bike ride (4 miles completed by myself!) to cultivate my physical fitness, emotional and psychological well-being, and gratitude. I enjoyed every second of it. I felt grateful for nature, my bicycle, my friendships and social life, and I gave thanks to all the things I've gained since leaving a terrible relationship.
5/5 became a wonderful day.
After writing my last post, I worked in the office a bit before deciding to revisit my old would. I decided to locate the email that I read when I catching B. red-handed with his cheating ways. I searched for 5/5 emails and had to look through several years of old mail before finally finding it. His email wasn't entitled "Re: Re". It was "Re: ??" and at first, I hesitated before opening. It's been 4 years later since I discovered that email and I haven't read it since the break-up. But in the end, my curiosity got the best of me.
I took a deep breath and began reading.
First I reviewed his strand in the emails. And then her strand, then his strand, then hers again....
I read it. I re-read it.
And then I repeated the process in chronological order.
And then I laughed! Out loud! And very suddenly.
My laugh was sharp and it ended as quickly as it started. My eyes started to sting, but I couldn't cry. I was laughing too hard on the inside to twist my face into a crying contortion.I laughed because I realized the email strands were funny, dramatic, and... psychotic. Here were 2 people who barely knew each other but were desperately clinging to one another. They couldn't actually like each other. They didn't even know each other! These 2 people didn't even know themselves that they had to elicit so much validation from one another to confirm that their lives were worth living; and that their existence had meaning.
I laughed because I'm so fucking glad I got out of that relationship. It also dawned on me that I'm much happier now than before. I have nothing to mourn about. Why do I get so sad on 5/5? For what? It's a damn shame I've let so many Cinco de Mayos go to waste when I'm in a much better place now than when I was with him!
Why have I been so devastated by someone who was so dramatic, desperate, and clingy to anyone that would give him the time of day? What
So, I took a deep breath and read that email one last time. I had a final laugh and officially decided that I never want to be upset on Cinco de Mayo again. From now on, this will be a day of celebration. It will be an acknowledgment of the fateful day that helped me leave a lying, cheating, toxic man who lacked empathy and perspective-taking. From hence forth, I will celebrate having gotten away from him and being able to enjoy my life: either happily single or with anyone else that improves my quality of life.
Starting today, 5/5 will officially mark a day of celebrating my physical and emotional healthiness, my agency and mobility to pursue my dreams without worrying about someone else, and my freedom to be just me without wondering about someone else's judgment (ahem, B.)
5/5 will be a good day from now on and I will begin to model it ASAP.
...and you know what? I lived up to this goal.
That night, I embarked on a 12 mile bike ride (4 miles completed by myself!) to cultivate my physical fitness, emotional and psychological well-being, and gratitude. I enjoyed every second of it. I felt grateful for nature, my bicycle, my friendships and social life, and I gave thanks to all the things I've gained since leaving a terrible relationship.
5/5 became a wonderful day.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Cinco de Mayo
I hate Cinco de Mayo. There, I said it.
It is the anniversary of the day that I caught B. cheating.
I can recall it as though it were yesterday.
My discovery happened around 1030am on a weekday morning. I believe it was a Wednesday?
I was checking my email like I would any other day. On that particular morning, I was in a super good mood because I realized it was Cinco de Mayo! I fantasized dancing, drinking margaritas, and and dressing up. How perfect for a date-night! I was about to send a short email to B. to tell him about this spontaneous plan of mine! As I contemplated what to write, an email notification popped up from him. It was an email entitled "Re: Re:" which was strange because I hadn't emailed him to get a reply email... But I clicked anyways! Why wouldn't I?
And so it began: strands of emails between B. and some woman who he had met for less than 72 hours at a conference a few weeks ago. B. tells her he's in love with her and that he wants to give her citizenship papers so they can live in the same country together (apparently, she's not living in the U.S). He is pining over her and using pet names all over the email. He calls her his "dream" and says he lives purely for her. Below, in a separate email strand, she responds with the same passion. She has told her family all about him and they can't wait to meet him. She is so excited to start life together with him. She also dreams of him and agrees that life has no meaning without him. Both express similar sentiments that they can barely breathe without the other person.
I read.
I re-read.
I read some more because I can't believe my eyes.
I am so confused.
Throughout B.'s emails, I see pet names that are exclusively for me because they are based on my native language. Those are terms that we created together because he was fascinated by words and sounds of my language. But the email was not meant for me, so how does that make any sense? My head is spinning but I can't stop. I keep reading and re-reading. I read so many times that everything is reeling and I can no longer make sense of the words I'm seeing. My friend Mary is on gchat and I tell her to come over to my office ASAP. She's shell-shocked but calm. She forces me to have lunch because it's noontime now and I have to stop crying. We walk off-campus to a busy, crowded restaurant and for the first time in my life, I have no appetite, zero. I am hysterical inside but she is calm. I watch her eat, surprised that anyone can be so nonchalant when my entire world feels like it is crumbling.
Post-lunch, I return to my office with some calmness. I manage to get some work done. I am more rational now and see that B. has sent me a text like he normally does. I think hard, and then I act. I text him to tell him to come to my office. He arrives and appears like his normal, typical self. All smiles. I act as normal as I can without having to touch him or make much eye contact. I have to fake calmness for as long as I can. I invite him to sit down and I ask if he has anything to share with me. "No. Why?"
Next, I invite him to my office desk and ask the same question. Again, no.
I open-up my email and have him read the email he sent me that morning.
What do you say now, bitch?!
The blood drains from his face and he swallows hard. He takes off his glasses and looks down. When he looks up, his expression is unreadable. There is no more warmth now, there is also no fear. There is a wall up. He is officially defensive and will offer nothing other than one or two worded answers.
"Sorry", "But I love you", "I don't know".
I ask questions but he gives shit answers.
"Why?" I ask.
"How could you do this to me?" I lament.
These are questions that have no answers but I can't stop myself from asking. He gives nothing away. Silence. I cry. He cries. It's over. I kick him out because I have an client now. It's 2 hours later and he's wasted enough of my time. Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office, get out of my life, because we're done. We. Are. Done.
That night and for the next 2 days, my best girlfriends come over and sleep-over. They are on suicide-watch and they make sure I never have to be alone. I don't party that night. I don't drink. I don't dress up. There is nothing worthy of celebrating. He has officially ruined Cinco de Mayo and he continues to ruin it for me for years to come.
It is the anniversary of the day that I caught B. cheating.
I can recall it as though it were yesterday.
My discovery happened around 1030am on a weekday morning. I believe it was a Wednesday?
I was checking my email like I would any other day. On that particular morning, I was in a super good mood because I realized it was Cinco de Mayo! I fantasized dancing, drinking margaritas, and and dressing up. How perfect for a date-night! I was about to send a short email to B. to tell him about this spontaneous plan of mine! As I contemplated what to write, an email notification popped up from him. It was an email entitled "Re: Re:" which was strange because I hadn't emailed him to get a reply email... But I clicked anyways! Why wouldn't I?
And so it began: strands of emails between B. and some woman who he had met for less than 72 hours at a conference a few weeks ago. B. tells her he's in love with her and that he wants to give her citizenship papers so they can live in the same country together (apparently, she's not living in the U.S). He is pining over her and using pet names all over the email. He calls her his "dream" and says he lives purely for her. Below, in a separate email strand, she responds with the same passion. She has told her family all about him and they can't wait to meet him. She is so excited to start life together with him. She also dreams of him and agrees that life has no meaning without him. Both express similar sentiments that they can barely breathe without the other person.
I read.
I re-read.
I read some more because I can't believe my eyes.
I am so confused.
Throughout B.'s emails, I see pet names that are exclusively for me because they are based on my native language. Those are terms that we created together because he was fascinated by words and sounds of my language. But the email was not meant for me, so how does that make any sense? My head is spinning but I can't stop. I keep reading and re-reading. I read so many times that everything is reeling and I can no longer make sense of the words I'm seeing. My friend Mary is on gchat and I tell her to come over to my office ASAP. She's shell-shocked but calm. She forces me to have lunch because it's noontime now and I have to stop crying. We walk off-campus to a busy, crowded restaurant and for the first time in my life, I have no appetite, zero. I am hysterical inside but she is calm. I watch her eat, surprised that anyone can be so nonchalant when my entire world feels like it is crumbling.
Post-lunch, I return to my office with some calmness. I manage to get some work done. I am more rational now and see that B. has sent me a text like he normally does. I think hard, and then I act. I text him to tell him to come to my office. He arrives and appears like his normal, typical self. All smiles. I act as normal as I can without having to touch him or make much eye contact. I have to fake calmness for as long as I can. I invite him to sit down and I ask if he has anything to share with me. "No. Why?"
Next, I invite him to my office desk and ask the same question. Again, no.
I open-up my email and have him read the email he sent me that morning.
What do you say now, bitch?!
The blood drains from his face and he swallows hard. He takes off his glasses and looks down. When he looks up, his expression is unreadable. There is no more warmth now, there is also no fear. There is a wall up. He is officially defensive and will offer nothing other than one or two worded answers.
"Sorry", "But I love you", "I don't know".
"Why?" I ask.
"How could you do this to me?" I lament.
These are questions that have no answers but I can't stop myself from asking. He gives nothing away. Silence. I cry. He cries. It's over. I kick him out because I have an client now. It's 2 hours later and he's wasted enough of my time. Get out. Get out now. Get out of my office, get out of my life, because we're done. We. Are. Done.
That night and for the next 2 days, my best girlfriends come over and sleep-over. They are on suicide-watch and they make sure I never have to be alone. I don't party that night. I don't drink. I don't dress up. There is nothing worthy of celebrating. He has officially ruined Cinco de Mayo and he continues to ruin it for me for years to come.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Too white
"Simply put: I was a person of color in a workshop whose theory of reality did not include my most fundamental experiences as a person of color—that did not in other words include me.
No wonder I was unhappy in workshop. No wonder me and some of the other Calibans... talked constantly about the workshop’s race problem, about the shit our peers said to us (shit like: Why is there even Spanish in this story? Or: I don’t want to write about race, I want to write about real literature.) No wonder we all talked at one time or another of dropping out.
Some of you are probably saying: Fool, what did you expect?
That’s a good question. I guess I assumed that a graduate program full of artists dedicated to seeing beyond the world’s masks would be better on the race front—that despite all my previous experience with white-majority institutions the workshop would be an exception. What can I tell you? In those days I must have needed that little fantasy, that little hope that somewhere shit might be better.
Like I said: I was young."
No wonder I was unhappy in workshop. No wonder me and some of the other Calibans... talked constantly about the workshop’s race problem, about the shit our peers said to us (shit like: Why is there even Spanish in this story? Or: I don’t want to write about race, I want to write about real literature.) No wonder we all talked at one time or another of dropping out.
Some of you are probably saying: Fool, what did you expect?
That’s a good question. I guess I assumed that a graduate program full of artists dedicated to seeing beyond the world’s masks would be better on the race front—that despite all my previous experience with white-majority institutions the workshop would be an exception. What can I tell you? In those days I must have needed that little fantasy, that little hope that somewhere shit might be better.
Like I said: I was young."
This morning I read a validating article on diversity in higher education. It talks about what it means to be in settings that are "too white" and it totally captured either my experiences or that of my friends throughout our academic experiences. Here's the link below.
Junot Diaz's article on diversity in higher education
Until now, all of my posts have been about romantic relationships, but lately, my sense of social isolation has been quite salient at work. Race may play a role, but it's not just that. I'll elaborate more in the future, but for now, this article feels... comforting.
Junot Diaz's article on diversity in higher education
Until now, all of my posts have been about romantic relationships, but lately, my sense of social isolation has been quite salient at work. Race may play a role, but it's not just that. I'll elaborate more in the future, but for now, this article feels... comforting.
Half of a weekend together
Jay is coming this afternoon! ... And then he's leaving tomorrow afternoon!
I've been invited to a party this weekend and told him weeks ago so that he could join me to eat delicious food! Last night, he told me he forgot about a party he promised to attend that's back in his neck of the woods. So, the plan is for him to stay until late Saturday afternoon so he can drive home to attend his shindig.
I was utterly disappointed hearing this. I would never stop him from going to his event, but that means I'll only get half of a weekend with him. Part of me wanted to ask why he would even bother coming because it seems like a lot of driving within a 24-hour period. The other part wasn't sure if I was asking out of insecurity, sarcasm, or sadness. It was surely a combination of the 3. Still, this means we'll only have Saturday together, and Saturday is also completely booked, meaning I'll have NO time to spend with him on a 1-on-1 basis.
As it is, there are 4 social outings for Saturday: a fundraiser 5k with Mr. Z., a free yoga class with my friend Al, my friend Rac's house-warming party, and then the actual BBQ fiesta in the early afternoon. I feel tired thinking about all of these things, and especially knowing I'll have to say bye to Jay later that day. There will be no time to do just me & him things this weekend. Goodbye bike, golf, sleeping-in, watching TV together, or cooking... together.
My disappointment makes me realize that I really look forward to having time and a life together with this guy. I want to do extroverted, social things with him and my friends together. But I equally treasure our 1-on-1 moments together.
Sigh. I already miss him.
I've been invited to a party this weekend and told him weeks ago so that he could join me to eat delicious food! Last night, he told me he forgot about a party he promised to attend that's back in his neck of the woods. So, the plan is for him to stay until late Saturday afternoon so he can drive home to attend his shindig.
I was utterly disappointed hearing this. I would never stop him from going to his event, but that means I'll only get half of a weekend with him. Part of me wanted to ask why he would even bother coming because it seems like a lot of driving within a 24-hour period. The other part wasn't sure if I was asking out of insecurity, sarcasm, or sadness. It was surely a combination of the 3. Still, this means we'll only have Saturday together, and Saturday is also completely booked, meaning I'll have NO time to spend with him on a 1-on-1 basis.
As it is, there are 4 social outings for Saturday: a fundraiser 5k with Mr. Z., a free yoga class with my friend Al, my friend Rac's house-warming party, and then the actual BBQ fiesta in the early afternoon. I feel tired thinking about all of these things, and especially knowing I'll have to say bye to Jay later that day. There will be no time to do just me & him things this weekend. Goodbye bike, golf, sleeping-in, watching TV together, or cooking... together.
My disappointment makes me realize that I really look forward to having time and a life together with this guy. I want to do extroverted, social things with him and my friends together. But I equally treasure our 1-on-1 moments together.
Sigh. I already miss him.
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