Revisiting an old wound

As mentioned earlier, Cinco de Mayo has sucked over the last few years

After writing my last post, I worked in the office a bit before deciding to revisit my old would. I decided to locate the email that I read when I catching B. red-handed with his cheating ways.  I searched for 5/5 emails and had to look through several years of old mail before finally finding it. His email wasn't entitled "Re: Re". It was "Re: ??" and at first, I hesitated before opening. It's been 4 years later since I discovered that email and I haven't read it since the break-up. But in the end, my curiosity got the best of me.

I took a deep breath and began reading.
First I reviewed his strand in the emails. And then her strand, then his strand, then hers again....
I read it. I re-read it.
And then I repeated the process in chronological order.

And then I laughed!  Out loud!  And very suddenly.

My laugh was sharp and it ended as quickly as it started. My eyes started to sting, but I couldn't cry. I was laughing too hard on the inside to twist my face into a crying contortion.

I laughed because I realized the email strands were funny, dramatic, and... psychotic. Here were 2 people who barely knew each other but were desperately clinging to one another. They couldn't actually like each other. They didn't even know each other!  These 2 people didn't even know themselves that they had to elicit so much validation from one another to confirm that their lives were worth living; and that their existence had meaning.

I laughed because I'm so fucking glad I got out of that relationship. It also dawned on me that I'm much happier now than before. I have nothing to mourn about. Why do I get so sad on 5/5? For what? It's a damn shame I've let so many Cinco de Mayos go to waste when I'm in a much better place now than when I was with him!

Why have I been so devastated by someone who was so dramatic, desperate, and clingy to anyone that would give him the time of day? What makes made him influence enough to change my mood from happy to sad? No more, I decided. Never again!

So, I took a deep breath and read that email one last time. I had a final laugh and officially decided that I never want to be upset on Cinco de Mayo again.  From now on, this will be a day of celebration. It will be an acknowledgment of the fateful day that helped me leave a lying, cheating, toxic man who lacked empathy and perspective-taking. From hence forth, I will celebrate having gotten away from him and being able to enjoy my life: either happily single or with anyone else that improves my quality of life.

Starting today, 5/5 will officially mark a day of celebrating my physical and emotional healthiness, my agency and mobility to pursue my dreams without worrying about someone else, and my freedom to be just me without wondering about someone else's judgment (ahem, B.)

5/5 will be a good day from now on and I will begin to model it ASAP.

...and you know what? I lived up to this goal. 

That night, I embarked on a 12 mile bike ride (4 miles completed by myself!) to cultivate my physical fitness, emotional and psychological well-being, and gratitude. I enjoyed every second of it. I felt grateful for nature, my bicycle, my friendships and social life, and I gave thanks to all the things I've gained since leaving a terrible relationship.

5/5 became a wonderful day.