Bursting the bubble

My bubble has burst. Once it bursts, there is no going back.

My bubble is the illusion that Jay might be "the one" for me. It's the belief that we could live happily ever after together.

But, upon entertaining (even for a second) that he may not be the one, the bubble officially bursts and it becomes impossible to resume wearing rose-colored glasses about our relationship.  I also have to wave goodbye to all of the associated fantasies.

Today, I spent the day partly working and somewhat immersed in my thoughts about this relationship.

• Am I happy now? (Yes! For the most part) 
• What makes me happy in this relationship? (Feeling loved when I'm with him!)
• Will those factors still be there when we're in a long-distance relationship? (Probably not!)
• Why did Jay and his ex-girlfriend fall-out of love after being in a 10 year long-distance relationship?
• How might the same scenario replay itself now?
• Why is it so terrifying for me to anticipate someone falling out of love with me?

I wonder so much about Jay's last relationship and the role he played in its demise. Did he fail to cultivate that bond? He told me he felt no sadness when the relationship ended because they became friends instead of lovers. Will that happen to us? And will that be a function of our incompatibility or his lackluster attitude? How can I prevent this from happening? Can I stop it from happening? And is it my responsibility?

A large part of me feels fearful. I'm at the precipice of a decision because a small part of me is panicking and impulsively wants to initiate a break-up. I'd rather end things now than have him slowly fall out of love with me. When he falls out of love, he will do it carelessly and without any hurt. Whereas for me, I already know it will be a long, arduous, torturous process.

I totally wonder what his ex-girlfriend's experience of their relationship was like. Did she shed a lot of tears in their relationship? Did she feel overlooked and minimized when he planned his life without her? They were together for 10 years! I mean, gee whiz! I asked him before if he had thought of marrying her and his response was yes-- yes, because they had been together for so long! (What a crappy answer)

Where's the romance? Where's the passion? Is that how he sees relationships? Sees us? And sees me?

While talking to my mom over the phone, she speculated a somewhat boring predictable life with him, characterized by us living our separate lives while living in the same home. He will do his thing while I do mine. He'll work and have his career while I have mine. On weekends, we'll do some fun activities together and it will be that way over and over. He's not the type of guy to offer sparks or fireworks. There will be minimal passion and romance because he doesn't say or do things like that. But it'll work. It'll be a relationship that works and is sustainable because he's a seemingly good guy who seems more naiive and focused on his career advancement than mean or hurtful. He won't intentionally try to hurt me. If anything, it would be his oversights that make me cry, and his lack of attention to things that are meaningful to me. 

Is that the kind of relationship that I want? Do I want normal, stable, somewhat distanced, but an amiable partnership? It sounds horrible to me and I can't imagine anything more boring or even lonely. But mom emphasized that those are the relationships that stand the test of time! Whereas for me, I've also enjoyed the kinds of relationships that are tumultuous and adrenaline-inducing because of the highs and lows in the roller coaster ride. 

So, what do I want? And what do I do next? My heart hurts.