Dagger to my heart

I neglected to mention that at Friday's work party, my heart got broken even though I pretended nothing happened. It happened when my boss met Jay for the first time. They proceeded to have a conversation about his future-- one in which Jay mentioned nothing about me.

She asked about his upcoming future and he told her that he's "leaning towards" a post-doc position that is in the U.S. As they conversed, he explained that it is a great position because it will allow him to lead a new research team to prepare him for creating his own research team in the future.

Wait, what? All this time, I thought it was a 50/50 possibility between a position in Europe to a position in the U.S. When did that change? Also, is that why he's interested in staying in the U.S.? So that he'll be leading a research team? How awesome, how exciting! How come I don't know anything about his decision-making process or about the factors driving such an important decision?

I stood in shock and hurt as the conversation continued forward...

"So, how far will you be away from Sher?"
16 hours by car.
"What?! Isn't that so far away? What about your parents? Are you leaving them also?"
Oh, they're used to it by now. I haven't been home since grad school.
"Oh my goodness, that means we'll have to take much better care of Sher since you'll be gone."

Thank you for caring way more about me than my own boyfriend does.

In the 3 minutes that this conversation progressed, my heart lurched and imploded at the same time. Jay lied to me. Last time, when I cried to him and told him how hard this upcoming long-distance change will be, he said to me "you'll know any news when I know any news."  Well, I clearly didn't know anything this week, but he sure knew a lot. What does that make him?  A LIAR!

I also felt ridiculously validated by my boss's complete surprise when she learned he'll be leaving and she expressed her concerns for me and for this relationship.  "What about Sher?" Yes, Jay. What about her and this relationship? You have a girlfriend-- or did you forget? Your leaving affects her-- do you have that bit of awareness at all?

When I came to work this Monday, my boss asked if I was job-searching in a different state. Apparently, the conversation she had with Jay freaked her out, and she was afraid I'd be leaving my current position to follow him!  Separately, my friend Gina told me on that same day that my other colleague expressed concerns to her that I'd be leaving my position because of Jay.

Uh. What? Leave my job for Jay?

I hadn't realized the irony of this entire situation until I talked to my mom on the phone this morning. I briefly mentioned it to her and she completely put it into perspective for me. Everyone in my life sees his departure as being significant in my life; but Jay does not perceive his move to have any impact on me whatsoever. I don't know how my mom does it, but she saw right through to that differential discrepancy in how meaningful this relationship is to us. She was so succinct when she said: "He may not be doing it on purpose, but is hurting you without even knowing it." I cried. A lot. The more I talked with mom, the harder I cried. She helped contextualize why this circumstance feels so painful right now.

This exact situation is a combination of my pain with Robert and the B. For example, she reminded me that words are just words unless backed by action. In my last conversation with Robert before breaking up, he told me "I want you, I want us" and then he proceeded to disappear from my life. What I'm experiencing now with Jay is similar: a replay! Jay says he wants to stay together; but his actions are inconsistent. He has said "I love you, I want us to stay together." Meanwhile, he's making his individual plans without even considering that I exist when he's making these future plans.

As for how this situation mirrors my experiences with the Serbian, well, it's not surprise that I feel completely betrayed. Jay told me he would let me know as soon as he knew anything about his upcoming post-doc position. He did not do that. His exclusion of me throughout his planning is also an overt way of telling me I don't matter in the long run. In fact, he's probably just passing the time with me before he moves forward with his life. WOW. This is so reminiscent of how B. used me to pass the time in his last year of graduate school. B. couldn't plan for the future because he didn't see commitment in his life (not when fidelity was required). He just wanted people to party and play with. He had no appreciation for anything future oriented.  Like Robert, he lived a life characterized as whatever happens, happens" (this was actually Robert's high school senior year quote) and moved on as soon as the next better thing happened.

Me? I am the opposite of all of that way of life. I am the flip side to letting things spontaneously fall into place. I'm all about controlling the future, being proactive and planful, and moving forward intentionally with as much precision, preparation, and anticipation as possible. If I want ___, I will do everything I can to protect ______ from other competing, demanding pressures of my time. I will prioritize and prize _____, and I will likely outline steps to ensure that I make time and reserve my energy and resources accordingly. I will take the necessary actions because "wanting _____" is different from "taking actions to make sure _____ is preserved."

On Sunday, I asked Jay how single life has changed since being in a relationship. His answer? He's more active on the weekends now, instead of being a bum at home. His response was like a dagger to the heart! Apparently, that's the value of having me in your life. You now have an additional place to go, and a playmate to do things with.  And when the time comes for you to move on with your life, well, then, goodbye plaything-- onto the next place, the next thing, and to whatever is happening next!

I feel heartbroken.