I'm exhausted.
I completed my first year as a faculty member doing teaching, research, service, mentoring, and now the cycle begins again.
As great as Jay is, the more we get to know each other, the more differences I see between us. Our communication styles, our culture of community (I guess that's the same thing), our values and interests (diet, health), and I'm less optimistic about a future as I was before.
I adore Jay but seeing each other weekly is also taking its toll on me. Weekly 2.5 hour drives (ONE-WAY!) is too much for me. He is bringing 2 of his friends to town this weekend and staying at my place (while my mom's here). They want to go hiking and the timing couldn't be worse. To begin, I'm still in the midst of moving! Secondly, I can't hike because my hip is injured! Also... isn't that a bit selfish? Bringing his troop to do fun things in my backyard when I can't even participate in those activities?
I just want a break from everything and everyone. The events of this year exhaust me, and can be summarized as working a gajillion hours a week followed by being a weekend (full-time) girlfriend. I need a weekend solo. I need a week solo.
I saw this article and it validated so much of my feelings, reactions, and thoughts: The most productive people know who to ignore.
What do ya'll think?
Enchanted forest
Fall decoration @ Bellagio Hotel, Las Vegas, October 2010
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Hiatus
Hello.
Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting. And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed. In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!
The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.
I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened. On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process. Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills. It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.
Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair. But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.
So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.
What. the. fuck.
Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?
The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.
My mom has described feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.
At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.
If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?
Been awhile-- an entire summer since I've written.
I went abroad for a month and saw my family. I saw a lot of Eastern Medicine doctors after one of them said I'm too stressed and may faint any moment. I got some intense chiropractic work done from all the hip pain I got from extreme crossfitting. And when I got back from Asia, I found that my house had been robbed. In the last 2 weeks, I still made it to my professional conference (with Jay in tow), and I spent the weekend moving out of my house and into an apartment. A gated apartment!
The semester begins tomorrow and I am so so so not ready. I have many mixed emotions and don't know where to begin.
I'll start with Jay because he was such a wonderful hero throughout my moving process; and without him, it could not have happened. On the downside, he has not initiated any conversation with my mom and my mom has also spoken minimally to him even though the 3 of us are the most critical people in this moving process. Mom is here, helping me with the move, and she has acknowledged Jay's hard work but his subpar social skills. It's not etiquette, per se. It's not solely introversion either. Culture plays a rather significant role here, making the situation entirely fault-less, but still uncomfortable and unsettling for me.
Jay's typically a quiet guy, and shines when he's with extroverts. They ask him a million questions and he answers with flair. But without people asking him those questions, he becomes just a listener. Not really a great listener, but a listener. Almost like... a wall. I can't even say he's absorbing what I'm saying. But he's there? If you behave in that manner with an older Asian person, like a girlfriend's mother for example-- it comes off seeming rude.
So, two things have happened in the last month that have really got me questioning our compatibility. The first happened when we took my/our first-ever trip together, 2 weeks ago. We arrived at the airport and when we got to the security check gate, he moved forward without so much as glancing a look at me. He put his stuff on the security machine, walked through the security check and never bothered looking back to see where I was. He retrieved his items and then continued briskly walking forward. Meanwhile, I stood there in shock.
What. the. fuck.
Aren't you supposed to wait for your partner when you do those things together? Even if you aren't dating, don't you wait for your travel companion to walk together?
The other thing happened this weekend when Jay helped me move. Don't get me wrong, he did so much for this move. But there were times when I or my mom would be carrying things while he was empty-handed; and rather than offering to help or even asking how we were doing, he'd just walk past us.
My mom has described feeling invisible during the times the 3 of us have spent time together. He doesn't speak to her (he'll speak when spoken to, of course), he doesn't really even look at her, and he has made plans that completely disregard her. The more I think about it, the more livid I feel.
At one point during the weekend, my mom shed tears and remarked that both my brother and I tend to date outside of our native culture and language. She said that both of our partners have been hard to bond with and be close to; so she is resigning herself to the fact that she will be losing her children rather than gaining additional son- and daughter- in laws. This was so difficult to hear and perhaps that is why I feel so upset.
If my mom hadn't mentioned these observations, I might have swept everything under the rug. In fact, I've blamed myself, wondering if I'm too entitled by expecting him to anticipate my needs. But it's not, is it?
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