Disordered eating

I tried to continue my Paleo lifestyle during my mama's visit.  I resisted all of her attempts to feed me breads, sugar, sauces... basically anything that wasn't meat, vegetables, or fruit.

Throughout her trip, my mom kept telling me how "uncomfortable" she felt about my diet. In her opinion, removing anything from one's diet altogether is bad. And as I listened to her, I became more convinced that I should wean myself off of Paleo and return back to a well-balanced, well-rounded diet consisting of mostly everything (except sugars and other unprocessed foods).  What I mean to say is, I think it's time to re-introduce cheeses, grains (whole), and other natural carbs back into my system, including legumes.

My fear is that if I continue going Paleo, my body may start to develop sensitivities and allergies to foods that I'm not eating.  Because I started Paleo being able to eat everything, I don't want to create an intolerance because of such a strict dietary lifestyle.

So, as I'm weaning myself off of this diet, I'm surprised to find that returning to "normal eating" has been very very hard.  I can understand now, why some people describe their eating disorder to be the best friend and most loyal company they have.  Without Paleo for the past 2 days, I feel like I've lost structure in my day to day life. I've lost routine, I've lost direction, and I feel completely unsure and unconfident in my eating habits. There is no guarantee for anything and my body no longer feels pure. I feel like I'm gaining weight, even though I'm probably not. The perfectionist in me is screaming at me to go back to Paleo. I physically feel feel like I am dirtying my insides every time I eat foods that are non-Paleo.  This must be what an eating disorder can feel like, and I'm recognizing now, how much my eating habits were giving me a sense of control amidst chaos.

That's scary.

The more I read about healthy living and eating, the less guarantees there are about eating well.  Some say eat fruits and veggies. Other say, no no, you can only eat organic fruits and veggies.  Some say reduce your portions of red meat and other sources of animal fat. Others say, nono, pile on the meats or else you will lose your muscle tissues!

Apparently, there are no right or wrong answers to eating healthy, and it is based on one person's body type and knowledge of what is best for you-- specifically. At this point in time, however, I feel like there are very distinct right versus wrong decisions and I am either right or wrong. This mentality immobilizes me so that I'm in a state of fear... and hunger.

When did I become so dogmatic in my ways?

He's just not that into you

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but my favorite-movie-of-all-time is: He's just not that into you.

I love love love this movie and have watched it so many times with so many different reactions and emotions each and every time.  Some people may find it funny that such an insulting (title) movie can be a favorite. But I actually find the message and title to be absolutely empowering because it is the exact reminder that I need to move forward with my life without putting the blame entirely on myself.

When someone is not into me, it's not me, it's them! 


It's their decision not to like me! 

It is liberating to know that there's nothing I can/should do to change someone's decision not to love me. I know this now having learned hard way. When someone doesn't like me, I need to accept that I am not the exception in their story line, I am the norm. I am the 99% and not the 1% that they want to grow old with, start a life with, commit love to, and make compromises with.  No amount of hard work will change things so that I am the 1% (even though I always think that if I work hard enough, I can make myself the 1%). In the past, I've operated under the assumption that I can and will change myself in the hopes that they will grow to like me. But I now know that it's not a sign of failure, or not being good enough if I am the 99% rather than the exception. Instead of working sooo hard in a unsuccessful relationship, I can move forward and hopefully find someone who will adore me instead. I don't have to take responsibility for them not liking me. I don't have to work so damn hard for a love that will never come.

When my mom came this week, I made her watch the movie before she fell asleep 15 minutes into it.  She didn't really like the movie and was quite annoyed that women were portrayed to be so desperate and men-crazy. It's not her cup of tea, but that's OK.

She hasn't gone through what I've gone through (and I'm happy for her!) to appreciate the pangs of hopeless optimism and rejection. But I get it, and this movie rings true to me more than I would like it to!

Soul mates

I don't know if I believe in the idea of soul mates, anymore.

But I do like this quote, and I wonder where I can get me one of these...

Question:
Do soul mates always have to be romantic? Can they come in the form of friends? Families? Acquaintances that we meet at a particular moment in time but contribute to our lives significantly?

Time with mom

My mom came to visit this week and our time together flew by.

It's like she disappeared into the night or something-- I can't believe she came and went already.

This week, I completely detached myself from work, school, emails, responsibilities, and spent quality time with my mom. We had 4 days together, in total, and most of it was spent shopping, trying on clothes (often in my closet), laughing, eating, and talking. I enjoyed every single second of it, even though there were times when I was annoyed that she kept trying to (over)feed me.

My mom is my best friend and has always been-- since I was a kid.  I can do anything, be anything, and say anything around her. I can simply be, and I had forgotten how comforting it was to be able to feel at ease with someone else around me.

Before mom came, I had been a bit anxious about entertaining her.  But once she got here, that wasn't a problem whatsoever. Mom took care of me, instead. She bought me all sorts of things: groceries, to begin with! clothes! And she also got me a ton of cooking appliances that I've been secretly wanting and saving up for so that I can buy it for myself one day. My mom got me a juicer, a crockpot, and she also got me a scale.  I've been window-shopping for a scale for the past 6 months, actually, and it took mom being here for me to finally commit to one. Ha!

My best time with my mom was every single second, literally.  I loved cooking with her, eating with her, sitting in the car with her, and talking to her before we fell asleep at night. I miss my mom!

I mean, I really miss my mom! After waving her off at the airport, I walked back to the car, sat down, and burst into tears realizing how lonely I am, now that I have experienced a week of feeling immensely loved and accepted for who I am.

Moms are so special, and for me, she is truly irreplaceable. She is the person that tells me to stay being true to myself, and to encourage me and remind me of my strengths amidst my imperfections.  Basically, she tells me this (and who doesn't need someone to tell us that?):