Disordered eating

I tried to continue my Paleo lifestyle during my mama's visit.  I resisted all of her attempts to feed me breads, sugar, sauces... basically anything that wasn't meat, vegetables, or fruit.

Throughout her trip, my mom kept telling me how "uncomfortable" she felt about my diet. In her opinion, removing anything from one's diet altogether is bad. And as I listened to her, I became more convinced that I should wean myself off of Paleo and return back to a well-balanced, well-rounded diet consisting of mostly everything (except sugars and other unprocessed foods).  What I mean to say is, I think it's time to re-introduce cheeses, grains (whole), and other natural carbs back into my system, including legumes.

My fear is that if I continue going Paleo, my body may start to develop sensitivities and allergies to foods that I'm not eating.  Because I started Paleo being able to eat everything, I don't want to create an intolerance because of such a strict dietary lifestyle.

So, as I'm weaning myself off of this diet, I'm surprised to find that returning to "normal eating" has been very very hard.  I can understand now, why some people describe their eating disorder to be the best friend and most loyal company they have.  Without Paleo for the past 2 days, I feel like I've lost structure in my day to day life. I've lost routine, I've lost direction, and I feel completely unsure and unconfident in my eating habits. There is no guarantee for anything and my body no longer feels pure. I feel like I'm gaining weight, even though I'm probably not. The perfectionist in me is screaming at me to go back to Paleo. I physically feel feel like I am dirtying my insides every time I eat foods that are non-Paleo.  This must be what an eating disorder can feel like, and I'm recognizing now, how much my eating habits were giving me a sense of control amidst chaos.

That's scary.

The more I read about healthy living and eating, the less guarantees there are about eating well.  Some say eat fruits and veggies. Other say, no no, you can only eat organic fruits and veggies.  Some say reduce your portions of red meat and other sources of animal fat. Others say, nono, pile on the meats or else you will lose your muscle tissues!

Apparently, there are no right or wrong answers to eating healthy, and it is based on one person's body type and knowledge of what is best for you-- specifically. At this point in time, however, I feel like there are very distinct right versus wrong decisions and I am either right or wrong. This mentality immobilizes me so that I'm in a state of fear... and hunger.

When did I become so dogmatic in my ways?