Body Trauma

Over the weekend, the bride's dad wanted to share some of his heritage culture with us by showing us dances from his culture.  He played a video of man dancing. The dancer was a lean, fit, long-hairded and bearded man that resembled somewhat to the looks of B.

I attempted to watch the video for as long as I could, but 5 minutes into it, I had to look away.  I felt sick.  I was nauseous, my stomach was squeamish, and my heart was pounding so quickly that I thought I couldn't breathe. I might have had some cold sweats too, I just know that I felt disgusted, dirty, scared, and that I could have easily started crying.

---

Just now, I got a phone call from a New York number.  I missed the call since I was in a meeting.  But when I checked my phone just now, I suddenly had the thought of him calling from New York.  I don't know what he could have said, but the likelihood of hearing his voice made me feel sick again.  I held my breath, listened to the voicemail, and it turns out it isn't even him.  It's actually a hospital training director asking me to consider their site next year, and offering me the opportunity to go there.  What wonderful news!

---

... except that I have since started thinking about living in New York and being in the same state/city as him.  The work opportunity would be amazing, and well, it is New York!  But I feel a little light-headed thinking about being in the same city/state as him. There's a part of me that wonders if forgiveness would ever be possible. If friendship could ever be a reality.  I think about seeing him in the city and grabbing a cup of coffee to catch-up on our lives. Maybe we could be cordial to one another.  Maybe he would respect my boundary to just be a good acquaintance/distanced friend.

I know him though. And I know that he will never respect any boundary I put up.  If I say don't touch me, he will surely grab me tightly to invade my space and to prove that he can do whatever he wants to. If I say don't do ____, he will do it to the exponential degree and make me feel absolutely powerless and defeated just being in his presence. So in reality, the thought of being near him makes me feel sick and I know that we can never be friends. Never grab coffee. I can never forgive him for making me feel so violated.... even now... even just thinking about him.

I look forward to the day when I can think of him and not feel physically and emotionally sick.  When I can think back to the relationship and not feel so used, damaged, discarded, and exploited just so he can feel good about himself.

I want to think of him one day and feel absolutely nothing. No positive or negative feelings, just... nothing.

Beneficial flirting

They say there's harmless flirting, and I would argue that over the weekend, I had a very healthy dose of flirting that is benefiting my mental health and well-being.  What actually happened is that at the wedding, I walked with a very cute and courteous groomsmen.  As we walked down the aisle, arms linked with one another, he was very gentlemanly and very attentive to my safety.  He slowed down at the same time I did and let me cross over cords that were very difficult to walk over with high stiletto heels.  He also let me cling onto him quite tightly when we had to dance into the reception.  And he didn't let go until I let go-- probably because he knew that with such thin heels, I appreciated his arm to hold onto!

This isn't such an exciting story, but the little details have got me happy. hopeful. and excited.  It's been... 7 years since I last held hands with someone I loved.  And the truth is that none of my boyfriends (EVER) liked to hold hands.  They always walked faster than me, always walked in front of me or behind me.  And IF they held my hand, it was always very loose. My hand would easily fall out of theirs and they would just continue moving ahead while I tried to catch up to cup their hand around mine.  I should have known that it was actually symbolic of our relationship.  With every loose hand holding experience, I wanted to cry out: Hold onto me tighter!  Don't let me go! Want me! Care about me!  Care enough so that I don't slip away!

So, this weekend, while I happily danced to the music with the courteous groomsman that made me feel cared for again, I felt relevant again.  I felt cherished, I felt cared for, and I felt delicate.  I am worthy of good hand-holding. I deserve someone who will latch onto me tightly and be aware of the potential pitfalls that are ahead of us. Ahead of US because we are one unit walking together. A good man will not just walk on ahead without looking back, but he will also notice what is ahead of me, and the potential dangers that I fall into.  He will watch out for me and we will be in synchrony when we talk together.

This is a good metaphor for a good partnership, I think.

Don't settle.

I spent the weekend out-of-town celebrating a good friend's wedding and being one of the bridesmaids among a group of close friends/colleagues from grad school. It was seriously the best reunion I could ever ask for.  And it was inspiring, motivating, and also a whole lot of fun.  At the end of the night, the bride got together with us girls for some post-wedding processing.  As she talked about how much she loved her husband, she started crying and said to us, "Don't settle. Please don't ever settle. I was alone for a long time and so was he.  We each had our own individual journeys before finding each other and before we came together."

I cried with her for so many reasons.  I know about her journey to love and I know how hard it has been.  She and I have seen each other at our absolute lowest: me with B., and her with a previous ex.  Many a nights we have sat together crying on the couch, feeling rejected, heartbroken, alone, and lonely.  And she has come so far. She deserves this love and she deserves the happiness that she now has. I couldn't be happier for her and I couldn't commend her for being more deserving.  At the same time, I also cried for me because I have hope and because I am finally on the other side.  I didn't settle.  I did for awhile, but finally, I was able to let-go. I will continue onward and I will be OK, even if it's single and alone.

So, to all of the men and women who are alone and not settling at this moment, I want to remind you that it'll be worth it in the end.  You may have settled at some point in your life, but you are not right now, and that is commendable! You are growing throughout this painful process and you will arrive at a healthier place having been able to sit alone to figure out who you are, what you want, and what you can't give up.  The more you know yourself, the more easily you can pick-out who the right person is for you. That's what I believe for me, and that is why I have hope for the future.  I am working on me because I don't know myself yet.  I am working on me because too easily, I lose myself into someone else. I am investing in myself so that in the future, I can make better decisions for me.

Non-negotiables

Throughout the week, I have been thinking about important qualities that I want in a future partner.  Qualities that I have overlooked and/or swept under the rug because NONE of my boyfriends have ever met even half of the criteria.

Besides, putting things down in-writing is a good way for me to be more accountable to myself in the future.  So, here it is.  These are the essentials for my future life partner, and the criteria that I will think consider in future dating.

1.     I like him.  I like him without thinking "if only he were more/less..." I simply like him for who he is without wanting to change him.  That probably has more to do with me than him.

2.     Ideally, he speaks another language and knows another culture so that he understands the bilingual and bicultural experience. I would like him to be from an immigrant family or be an immigrant himself so that we have similar experiences when it comes to adapting and acculturating. Our family experiences will also be more similar.

3.     He is loyal. Honest. Truthful. This should be clear enough as it is, but it might not be. I have since realized that people have different understandings, so I want to be incredibly clear. It means no cheating: emotional or physical or any other way.  There should be absolutely no lying.  An omission by default is lying. Open and honest communication is non-negotiable and is the foundation to any healthy relationship.  I recently learned that even after people are married, it is normal and healthy to be attracted to others.  What’s important is not the attraction itself, but what you do with the attraction. I would much rather my partner tell me how he feels as opposed to sneak behind my back to stab me repeatedly.  Absolutely nothing in my life has hurt as much as betrayal and infidelity.

4.     He likes my family and friends.  Ideally, he would love them as much as I do.  And at the very least, he would understand that they are the first loves of my life and he would respect their importance.

5.     He loves his family and he is also family-oriented. I plan to love his family and friends as much as he does, and I would want to respect that they are the first loves of his life.

6.     He respects me. And he respects differences between us. This means that he doesn’t want to change me and he won’t denigrate what I believe in that is different from him.

7.     He will resolve differences with me (respectfully). We can fight and disagree and we can also patch things up together to move forward together.  If we are mad about something, then we are upset about a circumstance-specific incident, not at the whole person. No character attacks allowed.  On my part and on his.

8.     He believes in my passions with me, especially my career goals for social justice by helping the underserved and underrepresented groups.  It means that he is an advocate of feminism, of spirituality, self-awareness, LGBTQ populations, disabled groups, immigrants and refugees, low SES groups, rural populations, etc. etc.  I need him to be like me in the sense that he also wants to make the world a better place.

9.     He has faith/spirituality. He believes in something bigger than us so that he has respect for the unknown and the ambiguous.  This also means that he can’t play God.  And it means that I can’t treat him like a God to make him the center of my universe.

10.  He loves dogs. He absolutely, positively, has to adore Mr. Z.  And more importantly, Mr. Z has to love him too, or else it’s a no-deal!  If he had a dog, that would be wonderful too...

11.  He believes in long-distance relationships. I can’t be with someone who believes in “out of sight, out of mind.”  I have to know that despite any distance, we still choose each other.  The world is a global village and being in different parts of a village should not change anything between us. We shouldn't be together just because we are conveniently living near one another.

12.  He is financially independent and capable of taking care of himself.  I am NOT a sugar mama and I deserve to be treated with chivalry and respect, and to be courted.  We should be able to handle our own finances without being dependent on each other.  Of course, depending on the circumstances, we may contribute in different ways to support each other.  But I shouldn’t be constantly supporting someone who can’t take care of himself and his financial matters.

13.  He believes in and lives a physically (& mentally) healthy and active lifestyle. I want to be with someone who believes in eating well, sleeping well, and maintaining his fitness.  I want to do fun, outdoorsy physical activities together. I want to sleep early together, wake up early together, have breakfasts, and take the dog on runs, walks, and hikes together.  I want to skydive together and have adventurous activities together.  Like scuba dive, participate in a marathon, play golf together.  The most important part is that if we are not healthy, then we cannot help others to become healthy.  Morning-person preferred.

14.  He loves my cooking and my attempts to eat healthy.  See #13.

15.  He has passion for what he does.  That means he is living a life that he finds meaningful. He is doing things that he finds meaningful and he is making a dent in this world of ours.  I am so fortunate to be in a profession that I have passion, excitement, and zest for.  I’d like the same for him.  I cannot be with someone who only works to make money.  I've done that before and I cannot tolerate being with someone who works because it’s an ends-to-a-means and he’s always miserable. He has to have passion for what he’s doing… just like me!

16.  He listens to me. He hears me. He validates me.  Please don’t tell me what to do, lecture me, or try to change me to think like you.  Demonstrate empathy so I feel validated and less alone.  Help me feel like we are on the same team.

17.  He believes in and actively seeks out compromise in our relationship.  He doesn't have to make sacrifices.  His attitude also shouldn't be my-way-or-the-highway.  I would like him to make efforts to arrive at resolutions that we can both be happy with. I don’t want to always be the one that’s saying let’s meet in the middle.  He should also take proactive steps for us to meet in the middle too.

18.  He puts me in a high priority in his life.  I don’t have to be the top priority, but I need to be up there somewhere.  I also want to feel like I am a priority.  I don’t want to feel like a person-of-convenience in his life.  I’ve been there before and it has been devastating to feel used.

19.  Our relationship is collaborative, mutual, loving, and egalitarian. Absolutely no gender role stereotyping allowed.  Or any other form of stereotyping. I want to be an equal partner in every way possible.  This means that sometimes I do what he does, and sometimes, he does what I do.  There’s no such thing as “You’re the ___ (woman), you should do ____.  I’m the ___ (man), only I can do ____.”  He can just as easily be the person folding bath towels while I take the car out for regular maintenance.

20.  He is optimistic in demeanor, flexible with changes, and he is open to diversity and differences. I don’t want to always worry about his reaction to negative circumstances.  I don’t want to have to be so focused on his negativity that I lose track of my reaction or overlook the actual incident itself.  His emotional reaction should not always be a heavy baggage for me.  I need him to be easy-going for the most part.  I need to know that he can bounce back from changes and that he will take them in-stride and move forward with me.

My song of the month

Best Thing I Never Had -- Beyonce

In training

My loneliness is delicately wrapped in a thick layer of anger.  So thick that I can't even get to the feelings of being alone.

During one of our walks yesterday afternoon, my dear pregnant best friend let me vent, yell, scream, and then eventually cry as I talked about my feelings of injustice. For my work, I screen clients to come into our clinic for mental health services.  There are certain cases we can't take, like actively suicidal clients or those with long-standing, pervasive life-time disorders.  It isn't because we don't want them, it's because we offer a training clinic with students who just can't provide that kind of service.

So, last week, I might have approved a client that is a little-more-severe.  Rather than talk to me about it and discuss this issue collaboratively and with the client's need in-mind, a supervisor sent a very task-oriented email to say: "I saw this person's file and it's too severe.  Refer them elsewhere and schedule another person in instead."

I'm pretty sure that was when I started to see red. First of all, it was incredibly difficult to have to think about telling this client she can no longer come. Secondly, this supervisor's attitude pissed me off-- majorly.  People who seek counseling services are people in distress.  They are not packages that you refund, exchange, and then re-order.  These are people with feelings, emotions, distress, and pain.  And they are needing help.  How dare she use such a flippant tone about a client who obviously is severe in her condition and needing help.

My sense of injustice made me see red all day. I tried to look at other options and to make this decision be more than looking at her paperwork.  How about her tone of voice? How about the circumstances leading up to her being severe?  Don't you want to know more about this person other than her paperwork? My suggestions made no difference.  In the end, I was forced to refer this person elsewhere AND I'm now requested to attend a meeting next week to talk about how I'm screening people.

Ah, meetings. I guarantee you this meeting is going to be a blame-fest.  And honestly, I don't think I did anything wrong. PERHAPS I shouldn't have given this client the OK.  But I did, so shouldn't I be supported in my clinical judgment?  And if I'm not supported, then shouldn't we dialogue about what to do with this client other than discard her altogether and move on? All I want to do is scream in this supervisor's face and call her out for her self-serving, non-compassionate, demeaning treatment of people. See? Anger.

After a lot of processing with my intuitive and compassionate friend, she helped me to see that my anger stems from robbed of my values.  I told someone they can come for services and I gave them my word.  I GAVE THEM MY WORD! Then I had to take it back not because I believed in what was being done, but by force and by the difference in power. I HAVE to do what this supervisor says regardless of how little respect I have for her.  She sucks, to say the least.  Nothing in our decision-making process was collaborative, empowering, or even focused on the needs of the client. And me?  She treated me like some minion who must follow her command without a) gathering information about the client other than paperwork and b) explaining to me why we were not able to see her.

I realize that this work experience highlights my loneliness in a different domain. It's normal and expected for me to recruit and screen a bunch of clients for our clinic.  That reflects well on the clinic and gives everyone pride. But if ever something goes wrong, my head is on the chopping block.  I'm blamed and I'm given the entire responsibility without anyone even bothering to explain/educate/train me.  It sucks because I'm a student that is IN-TRAINING.

A more official title for me would be that I'm going through life "in-training".

Being see-through

Insecurities.

Who doesn't have them?

Mine comes in the form of feeling hollow.  Being seen through.  Give me an unnatural silence in a social situation and i will feel the need to fill it.  Anyone interacting with me knows that I bring laughter, fun, joy, and optimism to any situation.  That is truly a part of who i am, but i think there's also another part.  A part that is uncomfortable with lack of laughter, lack of fun, lack of joy, lack of optimism. I need it. And I anticipate others needing it. Therefore, I make sure to provide it.

Are some insecurities are better than others?  I have friends who often ask me afterwards if they broke some sort of social "rule" when we are out meeting others.  Did they over-interpret something that they shouldn't have?  Should they have focused less on this topic and discussed another instead?  Did they appear overly defensive in the moment or did they look perfectly normal in the circumstance?

I never have these problems of looking uncomfortable in public.  In fact, I am generally flawless in social situations, and able to put anyone at ease.  My number one goal (probably subconscious) is to make sure others are comfortable. If people aren't feeling good in social interactions, then that is a major problem.  It means that  a) their needs aren't being met and/or b) they can see through me that I am not able to meet their needs. So, I take pride in making others comfortable. Even if it means that I sometimes have to fill awkward silences, change to more comfortable topics, and crack lame jokes to cut the tension in the room.  I do it for them: for friends, acquaintances, and sometimes even strangers.  I do it for me, so friends, acquaintances, and strangers won't realize that I actually don't know what I'm doing and that I can't save them from being uncomfortable.

That's the role that I give myself, I suppose: a savior.  If they realize I'm NOT a savior, that I'm merely a mortal being like them, then it's over. I'm busted.  I'm caught. They'll see right through to me.
How exhausting this has been, always being 5 steps ahead of everyone else trying to protect them from being uncomfortable. Perhaps my whole life I've thought of myself as being a savior, trying to have control to make sure everyone is feeling peachy-keen.

But what about me? I want to be peachy-keen and not have to worry about how others are thinking, feeling, perceiving, interpreting.  I want to just be and let whatever happens, well... happen.

us & you ≠ me?

In a healthy relationship, me + you = us, and

1) me = me
2) you = you
3) us = us

In MY relationships, I have never thought about this formula and have blurred the boundaries so that

1) me = you
2) you = you
3) us = you


So during and after a relationship, I end up screwed because there isn't "me" anywhere in the equation. I lose my sense of identity, my sense of self-concept, and my entire sense of worthiness. When there is no longer an "us", it feels automatic to believe that there is no longer a "me" as well.

So this is a wake-up call for me to start understanding that relationships and identities should not be so enmeshed.  I'm working on reminding myself that:

there is you.
there is me.
and there is us.

me ≠ you.

me ≠ us.

me = me.

Q: Ah, but what if we break-up one day?
A: Well, there will still be me.  there will still be you.  there just won't be an us. But that's OK because me can survive.  and so will you. we just won't be doing it together. We will persevere and sooner or later we will find ourselves in another equation with other "me"s and other "you"s.

Q: Are you sure me will survive us breaking up?
A: me should not dissolve just because us dissolves.  Me existed even before us came along!  Regardless of what happens to us, me exists: in body, mind, spirit, in time, and in space.  me has a life to live and can continue onward with the journey. It may feel like there is nothing left in this world, but me does not have to melt away and dissipate.  me can move on even if us doesn't move on.

Q: Move on to what?
A: To whatever it is me wants!  To meet a you that has the same value as me. To interact with you a you that makes us healthy together and apart.

Q: But me doesn't even know where to begin. What does me want?  Me is so good at adapting to any kind of situation and any type of you you. me is a chameleon that can blend into any backdrop! me wants to make you happy.

A: But is me happy? Ever? Who is me?  What does me want? What does me believe in?  What are me's hopes and dreams? What actually makes me happy? And what is unacceptable for me?

Q: Me don't know...
A: This is the perfect time to find out.

Tears of relief?

After writing my last journal entry about Don and about fantasizing our future, I wrote an email to him to apologize for having disappeared when I was in my relationship with B.  I didn't say email/call me back, and I wasn't expecting any sort of reply. In truth I was letting go of what-could-be with him (friendship or otherwise) and I wanted to say sorry at the very least and also wish him the best.

Well, Don wrote back this weekend and I just read his email.  He asked how I'm doing these days and also apologized for not responding sooner because he's just so swamped with work.  And then he also wrote this (which made me cry just a little):

"You have nothing to apologize for. It's a part of life that friends tend to lose touch for different reasons, but it doesn't mean you stop being friends.  We both have probably been busy with this thing called life, with the various things in it -- it can occupy a lot of time and make you lose track of things, time, or people.  By all means don't think you did anything wrong because you didn't." 

I feel a bit moved by his words, and I feel enveloped in his compassion and understanding.  It's been awhile since I've felt that, since my previous relationships have been mostly criticisms and lack of respect for difference.  Most of my ex-boyfriends have been negative, pessimistic, and lacking validation and empathy.  So, it comes as a HUGE surprise to me to get this kind of response.

Must. give. myself. reality. check. though.  I am NOT going to fantasize a reunion with him this time.  Or impose some kind of "what if" about being more than friends.  I'm just going to take it as-it-is, and appreciate his understanding and friendship.  His response is a corrective experience for me. Perhaps in future relationships, (platonic or romantic) I won't anticipate someone leaving and cutting it off prematurely.  And perhaps I won't always feel like having to apologize to try to fix whatever rupture I think has happened.

One thing's for sure, Don is still such a positive influence in my life, swooping in to save the day, or more accurately, save me from me.

Good sex versus love

I always thought that good sex for me meant being in a monogamous committed relationship with the person I am in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.  I always wanted to date only 1 person, sleep with only 1 person, and grow old with that same person day-in and day-out.

The problem is that my first love did not feel that way about me.  So that was the end of my fantasy.  He didn't even tell me why we broke up, he just took off.  It could have been that part of our relationship was long-distance and he was just sick of it.  Nevertheless, after we broke up, I was celibate and single for a long long time and had zero interest in anyone else ever again.

When I decided to start-up again, I went to online dating because that was the only environment that would force me to have to be in a romantic context.  Friends already commented on how emotionally unavailable I presented myself.  I knew that in order to really let-go of the past, I would have to throw myself into something that I couldn't turn back from.

And so came KC-- the equivalent of a one-night-stand for me, although we probably hung out for a few weeks or so and slept over a few dozen times.  KC will alway be a one-night stand for me because our "relationship" was undefined, non-monogamous, and not really a relationship. We slept together, and in the morning we went to work and did our own thing.  A few days later, we'd do the same, and so on and so forth until one day, we just stopped.  Well, who am I kidding?  He just stopped calling and responding.  And of course, I panicked, called a few times, and eventually realized that he really was nothing but a sleepover.

I think of KC these days because my experience with him is the anti-thesis to how I thought my sex life would be.  KC and I went on 2 dates before we slept together, I didn't love him, I didn't fantasize anything about him, and I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive in any way just yet (he was very very short).

BUT he was the best sex I ever had, the first person to give me an orgasm ever, and the only person with whom I felt completely uninhibited. Sex with him was not me pleasing him.  It wasn't me wrapping my love all around him, and it wasn't about meeting all of his needs and more. I didn't care to blow his mind, nor did I care if he would stick around in the future.  Perhaps that's why it was so mind-blowing for ME! Perhaps it sounds like I used KC and maybe I did. I just wanted to sleep with one person randomly so that I could forget about my first-love and say to myself "Ha! I'm over you and since you've been gone, someone has definitely come to replace you!"  KC was actually a stand-in and the sex could have been absolute shit so long as I can say "check!" and prove to myself and my friends that I was no longer reminiscing my first-love and living in the fantasy of what could have been.

Since KC, sex with anyone else has been mediocre.  I wonder if that's because I haven't had casual sex ever since.  In a relationship, my sex life has always been pretty crappy even though I always anticipate it to be absolutely amazing.  In truth, it's not at all.  It's about them and how they're feeling.  Do they like what I'm doing?  Do I look good at what I'm doing?  Am I the best they've ever had? And are they.... oh, it's over.  By the time I start to enjoy myself-- which is never-- the sex is long gone, and they are usually fast asleep having already enjoyed themselves at my expense!

Does this mean it's time to go back to casual sex for me?  I just don't think I can do it again because KC was seriously a fluke.  I still want the whole 1-person monogamous relationship thing. I still want to committed loving relationship PLUS amazing sex. But I can't help but wonder if my sex life will continue to be blah in future relationships.  If so, what am I going to do!?  Pretend they are total strangers and think only about me and what I want?  I bet that would make the physical part much better.... but what about emotional?  Isn't love-making inherently different from sex because it's focused on the other person?

Hmm. I have quite a lot to think about.

Harmony

In the past few years, I have begun to realize how hard I work to strive for harmony in social situations.
Whether it is with family, with friends, with acquaintances, and even strangers, I work hard to maintain harmony amongst the group, and have often been the mediator in intense, unhappy, and conflict-ridden situations.

Such a good skill to have, isn't it?

Except that oftentimes, it's hard for me to be authentic or genuine when I should be upset.  When someone wrongs me, attacks me, hurts me, I typically swallow my feelings and push them aside for the sake of harmony.  I don't want conflict.  I don't want to hurt another's feeling.  I don't want discord, unhappiness, I don't want to create any ripples in the water.  So I smile and push forward.  Only afterwards, in the comfort of my own privacy, do I allow my suppressed feelings to slowly come out.

As an example, I was thoroughly insulted by an acquaintance over a lunch meeting we had two weeks ago.  Under the guise of trying to "help me", she used herself as an example and began to say that she sees me as being similar to her and having the same weaknesses.  First of all, this lady does not know me.  So it was very unclear why she thought we were the same; much less why she thought she had all of the answers to fix me.  I was furious the entire time, and  I saw 2 potential scenarios that could happen:

1) Pound the table angrily and respond with the emotional intensity that I am feeling.  AKA, it's OK to scream at her to say, "HOW DARE YOU?  Who the heck do you think you are?  You don't know me!  Give me one instance of the accusation you are making.  You can't, can you?  Then shut the F up and don't go accusing people when you know nothing about them.

2) Nod politely. Let her go on, and allow whatever happens to happen.  Say nothing, defend nothing, explain nothing.  She's not worth it.  But be respectful and be the bigger person.  Part on good terms and make sure to never ever ever meet with her again.

In the end, I resorted more to scenario 2, although I devoted a great deal of time explaining myself to her (but why should I?) and using it as an educational tool to show her that it's better to ask people questions rather than accuse them based on her assumptions.  I was VERY cool and VERY calm and I was VERY patient throughout.  I actually went in the other direction and validated her for some of the questions she had even though deep down, I could not believe how rude, assumptive, and insulting she was.  When we left the restaurant, I actually hugged her and said to her, "Aw, this was nice, we should do this again"-- even though that is the last interaction I want to have with her... ever.

So, why did I do that end up being SO nice to her?  I've been thinking about it over the past week and it occurs to me that overcompensating for her rudeness is my way of maintaining some sort of control in our situation.  I maintained harmony.  I didn't hurt her feelings.  And if I were a 3rd person observing our 2-person lunch, I would say that I intervened and became the mediator between my scenario #1 self and her.

I certainly pat myself on my back for remaining calm, civil, understanding and patient.  I had told myself that it was a very good teaching opportunity, so as a teacher, I would say hurray! I succeeded.  On the other hand, I failed too, I think.  I was not genuine in expressing my feelings since I pushed down every single bit of my anger, frustration, and hurt.  I tucked it waaay down and still, to this day, I don't know how I could have let it out in a healthy way.

Much like how it usually happens, I generally process afterwards. After I left the restaurant, I promptly climbed in my car and called two very dear friends and colleagues to tell them about what happened.  They completely understood how pissed I felt and they were in utter shock about what was said to me.  They were as livid as me and they were also offended for me.  Hearing all that did the trick and afterewards, I felt better.  I journaled too, but the dissolving my feelings came-- just like it always does-- when someone else understood me and validated me for the reaction I had.

So, now my feelings are processed and I am just fine.  Next time I see this acquaintance, I'll continue to be civil, but I'll certainly avoid her.  My lingering concern, however, is why I can't react in-the-moment and be my true, authentic, emotional self. In romantic relationships as well, I realize that even when B. was mean, and even after I caught him cheating or after fights that we would have, I would actually overcompensate and be super duper nice when deep down I should (and am) hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken. Why do I compensate then and experience feelings of intensified love when I should be nursing my own pain instead?

Is it for harmony?  Whose harmony?

Hope.

Today I experienced hope for myself.

The downfalls of being a graduate student is being immersed in one tiny field and being exposed to only those who live, breathe, and study the same things as you do.  It gets pretty boring and because most of my colleagues are older than me, married (and some with children), I also struggle to find much in common with them.

This semester, however, I am taking a course in a different program with an instructor who is not only an amazing teacher, but also a recent graduate and therefore close in age and perhaps even demographics as me.  In any case, we talked for a while after class today, about his field, about my field, about what it's like to be a professor now, what the change is like, and about him being new to the city/state/community.  As we talked, I slowly began to realize how cute he actually is.  I liked how validating his responses were, how respectful he was in talking about different ways of thinking, and how he took the time to really think about what I was saying before he would come back with something to say.

But as soon as I realized that I was checking him out and weighing out whether I was attracted to him, I abruptly ended the conversation and backed away. It was weird to feel what I felt. It was scary to realize that I could be interested and excited about a new person again.  And I suddenly felt naked, vulnerable, and embarrassed all at the same time.

As soon as I walked out of the building, though, I started smiling to myself-- involuntarily.  The uncomfortableness must be a form of growth.  I wasn't numb, at least.  I'm not numb anymore.  And whatever it was I feel embarrassed to feel, whether it is attraction or simply just looking at a good-looking person, that's improvement for me!

So, today something happened that was unplanned, spontaneous, and incredibly uncomfortable and unnerving.  It made me realize that I am not dead inside after all.

Of course, I have no intention of pursuing anything with this young professor and if anything, I will simply be more excited to show up to class (on-time) and to continue to do well in school.  Just the fact that I could have these feelings today are good enough for me.

I'll take it and I'll celebrate that.

I am acknowledging where I am at.

Emotionally speaking, I am having more bad days than good.

Last night, I happened to listen to Beyonce's song, "Best Thing I Never Had" and I burst into tears.  I'm not talking about tasteful, artistic, tears that make you think of elegance.  My tears exploded and burst out and I started gasping for air before even realizing what was happening to me.

Mostly, what I've been feeling these days has been extreme dichotomy.  At least once a day, I feel grateful to be alone, relieved that I am no longer in a relationship that drains me, and I feel freed from myself as well-- expectations I had for myself when I am in a relationship (no matter who he is).

And on those same exact days, I also can't help but feel a very visceral hole within me-- as though part of me is gone and I am either bleeding out little by little, or I am just very empty and very hollow.

Sometimes, I feel relief and grief at the same time.

Grieving

During dinner with my my glowing, pregnant best friend this weekend, we talked about me and how I'm feeling these days.  I started crying as we talked, and had to restrict myself from letting it all pour-out.

Basically, I told her that I am unbelievably pissed right now.  Not at B., but at myself.  I am so pissed at ME and the time I've wasted from being in a relationship with him.  I've lost 2 years in my life because of this relationship, and indirectly, I've lost way more than 2 years.  The consequences of this relationship will haunt my future relationships, and more importantly, it already haunts me because I realize now stupid I am, and how badly my decision-making can be.  I am more aware of my responsibilities in the relationship and more than anything, I am terrified of me.

In the 2 years that B. and I were together, I gave up my social life and declined so many social activities that I would have been gone to if I were single.  Consequently, I've lost time with so many friends who have since moved because they are now completing their internships/residencies.  I've also lost time with by pregnant bestie because now she's a mommy and our relationship will be a bit different.  Who knows what would have happened in those last 2 years if I hadn't been with B.?  To begin, I wouldn't have been ashamed all the time because I was with a cheater.  I would have lived my life without trying to monitor another person's.  I would have lived my life so much more,  met so many more people, had so many more social activities. I'm sure I would have expanded my world in many new ways.  I don't know and I'll never know what it would have been like.  But still, I'm grieving what-was and what-could-have-been, and what-the-future-might-be, and it all feels like significant losses-- losses that I'll never get back.

The bottom line is also that I hate me right now.  I hate who I became in that relationship and I hate myself for having stayed with someone who hut me so much and so often.  I hate me and what I became in the relationship.  I have such anger and disrespect toward myself, and I don't know what to do about it. This self-loathing makes me feel completely terrified of future relationships, much less meeting other people.  I just want to be alone with my dog and hide-out from the world.  I want to run away from me until I become someone who can be healthy in a romantic relationship... until I can be with others without losing my sense of self.

But currently, I am not any of the things that I respect.  I am someone who jumps in too quickly and too intensely.  I am someone who offers everything and keeps giving more even when taken advantaged of and stepped on.  I am the kind of person who lives in denial and fantasy and hope for too long that he will change, and that we can live happily ever after.  I hate myself so much right now, that it's difficult to remember the relationship and why he was bad for me.  Because it isn't him that I worry about in the future, it's me.  I'm worried about me being bad for me, and as the history shows, I am very very bad for me.

I am so angry and scared and I want to tell the whole world: "Save me from me!"

Changes

One of my closest friends in this entire world is pregnant.

She told me this while we were shopping for bridesmaid shoes this weekend. With one purse in hand, she casually announced that she's actually 8 weeks pregnant and that I was correct when I joked about it weeks ago when she was fretting over her missed period.

Approaching their 2 year wedding anniversary next month, this is a wonderful surprise for her and her husband.  As with any surprise, she wasn't expecting this bundle of joy and had cried when she first learned the news.  Understandably so, she cried because of the surprise and fear and shock and all of the mixed emotions a mommy presumably feels when she finds out there is a little peanut growing inside her.

I am so happy for her.  This friend of mine is the equivalent of a sister, and I also adore her husband and their relationship altogether. Simply being in their presence rejuvenates me and I love their dynamic, their home, their ease, and their love... I randomly show up at their place sometimes and I am always welcome.  We sit and talk in the living room and her husband will whip up something yummy in the kitchen to give us space to chat.  They are not perfect, of course. Their relationship hasn't always been easy.  They've had tough times and have spent a great deal of time working together and are in a stable place to have a baby.

So, this is such good, happy, wonderful news.  But it is actually affecting me more than I could have ever imagined. I'm overjoyed for her really, but I'm still trying to explore the mixed feelings that I have inside.  I am happy for her, really.  But a part of me also feels a tad nervous and scared. Selfishly speaking, I'm terrified of the changes that will be happening from now on.  She is a mommy now, and I can't just randomly call her to cry, vent, or just to talk.  As it is, her hormones are going crazy and she is feeling exhausted all the time and ready to hit the hay at 8pm.  No more random drop-ins, I think. No more sleepovers, I'm sure.  Probably a lot less girls nights, and most importantly, less friend-time because the priority now is on the baby, and there is so much to do: now and after the baby arrives!

So, on the one hand, I'm so excited to be an auntie and to go crib shopping, clothes shopping, and whatever it is shopping that she needs. We already hit-up a few stores and had so much fun looking at baby clothes. Other other hand, I am anxious about the changes to come.  The first time I caught B. cheating, she was the first person I called and the person I hung out with that night-- crying and then going to the movies together before I was able to go home.  The second time he got caught cheating, it was actually her that saw him with another woman.  That night, she slept-over at my house partly for suicide-watch (kidding! sort of) but mostly to keep me company to remind me that I am not alone.  It is INCREDIBLY selfish for me to focus on ME right now, but what if I need her in the future?  What if I have another devastating event happen and wish for a sleepover?  She is a mommy now and I absolutely positively cannot make her schlepp to my house at night to cry with me.  Can I even tell her sad things now? In the past, she has cried with me when she has seen me in pain, and she has experienced with me so viscerally.  I cannot let her cry or hurt with me because then the baby will be hurt.  So does that mean I can't really go to her as a friend anymore?

I may be a bit overdramatic with this, but I can't stop myself from feeling scared about all the changes to come.

...versus Reality

... Except that Don isn't the antidote, and he would be like a tiny band-aid covering up a festering wound.

... And Don can't turn back time, and he himself is likely to have changed in the past 2 years, to have moved on, to do new things, meet new people, have new relationships.

... Oh, and Don hasn't called me back.  THAT is the reality check that is hard to live with.


... The other burst in my bubble is that Don is not who I think he is.  He is not who I fantasize him to be.  I don't even know Don and yet I've mapped out our reunion, our conversations, our epiphany that we shouldn't have dated others.  I have mapped out what our future could look like, and what a relationship with him would be like.

All the while, I actually know very very little about Don.

So, the reality is that I have shifted my painful reality (post-break-up) into a romantic fantasy about a reunion love with a stranger.  I can only write this NOW having taken an entire week to go through the process of waiting for him to call, being obsessed about him for days, and then realizing eventually that what I was doing wasn't normal nor healthy.

The truth is this (and I have to keep reminding myself):
- I don't know who Don is.
- Don probably doesn't remember me.
- 2 years is a long time and you can't just pick-back-up (and expect him to do the same)
- I am actually grieving and need to continue to grieve the reality.  I need to stop fantasizing about another potential love and using it to cover up my current pain.  There is saying in grief therapy:  "Whatever you don't work through, works through you!"--- so it really doesn't benefit me to run away.


Still, I'm hurting, and strangely enough, it's not B. who is causing the damage this time around.

It's ME.  It's MY coping strategy that isn't working, MY discomfort with sitting in my pain, and MY obsession over something that doesn't exist. Like this blog intended, I am working on ME and my issue now has absolutely nothing to do with B. It is liberating to know that I'm working on me and that the problems come from me and not someone else.  It's simultaneously sad because I so desperately wanted validation from B. when we were together for him to admit that HE ruined our relationship, HE hurt me, and that HE was the villain.

But it's not about him anymore, it's about me.

Fantasy...

I have not been journaling lately. Instead, I have been reflecting on my most recent blog post, and thinking about my way of coping by fantasizing.

If you couldn't already tell, my last post really highlighted how much I shifted my obsession to Don instead of the breakup.  I put Don on a pedestal and spent many more hours fantasizing about him than I would like to admit.

In my head, I fantasize love, unconditional love and support, validation, understanding, warmth, and affection. Don signifies to me a turning back of time, because I had stopped talking to him shortly after meeting B.

So, in my mind, Don is THE solution to all my problems.  If we could pick-up where we left off 2 years ago, I can pretend that the last 2 years never happened.  It would be like I never met B.  Was never continuously-cheated on. Did not experience heartbreak afterwards... and then I would not be suffering now. Don is the antidote to my suffering because post-break-up, I feel quite unworthy.  I feel like my hardest was not enough, that my love was not sufficient, and that I am simply unlove-able.  So if Don comes into the picture and helps me feel loved again, I would feel.... accepted.  wanted. worthy.

Ah, worthy. That's the allure of Don.  I simply have no motivation, energy, or enthusiasm to meet a new person right now or to begin dating a new person.  It feels exhausting and scary and I feel much too raw and wounded to start over.  But Don?  He's not a "new" person.  He liked me before, and if I could pretend the past 2 years never happened, then I could also pretend I am the "me from 2 years ago."

I like the "me 2 years ago."  I wasn't so ashamed of myself then. I hadn't been so battered from my relationship. And I hadn't lost myself to any relationship thus far.  2 years ago, I was still "pure", still naively optimistic (which I like and am proud of), and I had not envisioned that cheating would ever be in my vocabulary or in my relationship.

I want to return to 2 years ago, and I want to return to how I felt and the limited life experience I had then.  "Take me away, Don! Save me! You are the time-machine that will purify everything, and you are the antidote to all of my angst, shame, humiliation, and sadness, inside."

That's my fantasy.