Body Trauma

Over the weekend, the bride's dad wanted to share some of his heritage culture with us by showing us dances from his culture.  He played a video of man dancing. The dancer was a lean, fit, long-hairded and bearded man that resembled somewhat to the looks of B.

I attempted to watch the video for as long as I could, but 5 minutes into it, I had to look away.  I felt sick.  I was nauseous, my stomach was squeamish, and my heart was pounding so quickly that I thought I couldn't breathe. I might have had some cold sweats too, I just know that I felt disgusted, dirty, scared, and that I could have easily started crying.

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Just now, I got a phone call from a New York number.  I missed the call since I was in a meeting.  But when I checked my phone just now, I suddenly had the thought of him calling from New York.  I don't know what he could have said, but the likelihood of hearing his voice made me feel sick again.  I held my breath, listened to the voicemail, and it turns out it isn't even him.  It's actually a hospital training director asking me to consider their site next year, and offering me the opportunity to go there.  What wonderful news!

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... except that I have since started thinking about living in New York and being in the same state/city as him.  The work opportunity would be amazing, and well, it is New York!  But I feel a little light-headed thinking about being in the same city/state as him. There's a part of me that wonders if forgiveness would ever be possible. If friendship could ever be a reality.  I think about seeing him in the city and grabbing a cup of coffee to catch-up on our lives. Maybe we could be cordial to one another.  Maybe he would respect my boundary to just be a good acquaintance/distanced friend.

I know him though. And I know that he will never respect any boundary I put up.  If I say don't touch me, he will surely grab me tightly to invade my space and to prove that he can do whatever he wants to. If I say don't do ____, he will do it to the exponential degree and make me feel absolutely powerless and defeated just being in his presence. So in reality, the thought of being near him makes me feel sick and I know that we can never be friends. Never grab coffee. I can never forgive him for making me feel so violated.... even now... even just thinking about him.

I look forward to the day when I can think of him and not feel physically and emotionally sick.  When I can think back to the relationship and not feel so used, damaged, discarded, and exploited just so he can feel good about himself.

I want to think of him one day and feel absolutely nothing. No positive or negative feelings, just... nothing.