Good sex versus love

I always thought that good sex for me meant being in a monogamous committed relationship with the person I am in love with and want to spend the rest of my life with.  I always wanted to date only 1 person, sleep with only 1 person, and grow old with that same person day-in and day-out.

The problem is that my first love did not feel that way about me.  So that was the end of my fantasy.  He didn't even tell me why we broke up, he just took off.  It could have been that part of our relationship was long-distance and he was just sick of it.  Nevertheless, after we broke up, I was celibate and single for a long long time and had zero interest in anyone else ever again.

When I decided to start-up again, I went to online dating because that was the only environment that would force me to have to be in a romantic context.  Friends already commented on how emotionally unavailable I presented myself.  I knew that in order to really let-go of the past, I would have to throw myself into something that I couldn't turn back from.

And so came KC-- the equivalent of a one-night-stand for me, although we probably hung out for a few weeks or so and slept over a few dozen times.  KC will alway be a one-night stand for me because our "relationship" was undefined, non-monogamous, and not really a relationship. We slept together, and in the morning we went to work and did our own thing.  A few days later, we'd do the same, and so on and so forth until one day, we just stopped.  Well, who am I kidding?  He just stopped calling and responding.  And of course, I panicked, called a few times, and eventually realized that he really was nothing but a sleepover.

I think of KC these days because my experience with him is the anti-thesis to how I thought my sex life would be.  KC and I went on 2 dates before we slept together, I didn't love him, I didn't fantasize anything about him, and I wasn't even sure if I found him attractive in any way just yet (he was very very short).

BUT he was the best sex I ever had, the first person to give me an orgasm ever, and the only person with whom I felt completely uninhibited. Sex with him was not me pleasing him.  It wasn't me wrapping my love all around him, and it wasn't about meeting all of his needs and more. I didn't care to blow his mind, nor did I care if he would stick around in the future.  Perhaps that's why it was so mind-blowing for ME! Perhaps it sounds like I used KC and maybe I did. I just wanted to sleep with one person randomly so that I could forget about my first-love and say to myself "Ha! I'm over you and since you've been gone, someone has definitely come to replace you!"  KC was actually a stand-in and the sex could have been absolute shit so long as I can say "check!" and prove to myself and my friends that I was no longer reminiscing my first-love and living in the fantasy of what could have been.

Since KC, sex with anyone else has been mediocre.  I wonder if that's because I haven't had casual sex ever since.  In a relationship, my sex life has always been pretty crappy even though I always anticipate it to be absolutely amazing.  In truth, it's not at all.  It's about them and how they're feeling.  Do they like what I'm doing?  Do I look good at what I'm doing?  Am I the best they've ever had? And are they.... oh, it's over.  By the time I start to enjoy myself-- which is never-- the sex is long gone, and they are usually fast asleep having already enjoyed themselves at my expense!

Does this mean it's time to go back to casual sex for me?  I just don't think I can do it again because KC was seriously a fluke.  I still want the whole 1-person monogamous relationship thing. I still want to committed loving relationship PLUS amazing sex. But I can't help but wonder if my sex life will continue to be blah in future relationships.  If so, what am I going to do!?  Pretend they are total strangers and think only about me and what I want?  I bet that would make the physical part much better.... but what about emotional?  Isn't love-making inherently different from sex because it's focused on the other person?

Hmm. I have quite a lot to think about.