Hope.

Today I experienced hope for myself.

The downfalls of being a graduate student is being immersed in one tiny field and being exposed to only those who live, breathe, and study the same things as you do.  It gets pretty boring and because most of my colleagues are older than me, married (and some with children), I also struggle to find much in common with them.

This semester, however, I am taking a course in a different program with an instructor who is not only an amazing teacher, but also a recent graduate and therefore close in age and perhaps even demographics as me.  In any case, we talked for a while after class today, about his field, about my field, about what it's like to be a professor now, what the change is like, and about him being new to the city/state/community.  As we talked, I slowly began to realize how cute he actually is.  I liked how validating his responses were, how respectful he was in talking about different ways of thinking, and how he took the time to really think about what I was saying before he would come back with something to say.

But as soon as I realized that I was checking him out and weighing out whether I was attracted to him, I abruptly ended the conversation and backed away. It was weird to feel what I felt. It was scary to realize that I could be interested and excited about a new person again.  And I suddenly felt naked, vulnerable, and embarrassed all at the same time.

As soon as I walked out of the building, though, I started smiling to myself-- involuntarily.  The uncomfortableness must be a form of growth.  I wasn't numb, at least.  I'm not numb anymore.  And whatever it was I feel embarrassed to feel, whether it is attraction or simply just looking at a good-looking person, that's improvement for me!

So, today something happened that was unplanned, spontaneous, and incredibly uncomfortable and unnerving.  It made me realize that I am not dead inside after all.

Of course, I have no intention of pursuing anything with this young professor and if anything, I will simply be more excited to show up to class (on-time) and to continue to do well in school.  Just the fact that I could have these feelings today are good enough for me.

I'll take it and I'll celebrate that.