Being see-through

Insecurities.

Who doesn't have them?

Mine comes in the form of feeling hollow.  Being seen through.  Give me an unnatural silence in a social situation and i will feel the need to fill it.  Anyone interacting with me knows that I bring laughter, fun, joy, and optimism to any situation.  That is truly a part of who i am, but i think there's also another part.  A part that is uncomfortable with lack of laughter, lack of fun, lack of joy, lack of optimism. I need it. And I anticipate others needing it. Therefore, I make sure to provide it.

Are some insecurities are better than others?  I have friends who often ask me afterwards if they broke some sort of social "rule" when we are out meeting others.  Did they over-interpret something that they shouldn't have?  Should they have focused less on this topic and discussed another instead?  Did they appear overly defensive in the moment or did they look perfectly normal in the circumstance?

I never have these problems of looking uncomfortable in public.  In fact, I am generally flawless in social situations, and able to put anyone at ease.  My number one goal (probably subconscious) is to make sure others are comfortable. If people aren't feeling good in social interactions, then that is a major problem.  It means that  a) their needs aren't being met and/or b) they can see through me that I am not able to meet their needs. So, I take pride in making others comfortable. Even if it means that I sometimes have to fill awkward silences, change to more comfortable topics, and crack lame jokes to cut the tension in the room.  I do it for them: for friends, acquaintances, and sometimes even strangers.  I do it for me, so friends, acquaintances, and strangers won't realize that I actually don't know what I'm doing and that I can't save them from being uncomfortable.

That's the role that I give myself, I suppose: a savior.  If they realize I'm NOT a savior, that I'm merely a mortal being like them, then it's over. I'm busted.  I'm caught. They'll see right through to me.
How exhausting this has been, always being 5 steps ahead of everyone else trying to protect them from being uncomfortable. Perhaps my whole life I've thought of myself as being a savior, trying to have control to make sure everyone is feeling peachy-keen.

But what about me? I want to be peachy-keen and not have to worry about how others are thinking, feeling, perceiving, interpreting.  I want to just be and let whatever happens, well... happen.