In training

My loneliness is delicately wrapped in a thick layer of anger.  So thick that I can't even get to the feelings of being alone.

During one of our walks yesterday afternoon, my dear pregnant best friend let me vent, yell, scream, and then eventually cry as I talked about my feelings of injustice. For my work, I screen clients to come into our clinic for mental health services.  There are certain cases we can't take, like actively suicidal clients or those with long-standing, pervasive life-time disorders.  It isn't because we don't want them, it's because we offer a training clinic with students who just can't provide that kind of service.

So, last week, I might have approved a client that is a little-more-severe.  Rather than talk to me about it and discuss this issue collaboratively and with the client's need in-mind, a supervisor sent a very task-oriented email to say: "I saw this person's file and it's too severe.  Refer them elsewhere and schedule another person in instead."

I'm pretty sure that was when I started to see red. First of all, it was incredibly difficult to have to think about telling this client she can no longer come. Secondly, this supervisor's attitude pissed me off-- majorly.  People who seek counseling services are people in distress.  They are not packages that you refund, exchange, and then re-order.  These are people with feelings, emotions, distress, and pain.  And they are needing help.  How dare she use such a flippant tone about a client who obviously is severe in her condition and needing help.

My sense of injustice made me see red all day. I tried to look at other options and to make this decision be more than looking at her paperwork.  How about her tone of voice? How about the circumstances leading up to her being severe?  Don't you want to know more about this person other than her paperwork? My suggestions made no difference.  In the end, I was forced to refer this person elsewhere AND I'm now requested to attend a meeting next week to talk about how I'm screening people.

Ah, meetings. I guarantee you this meeting is going to be a blame-fest.  And honestly, I don't think I did anything wrong. PERHAPS I shouldn't have given this client the OK.  But I did, so shouldn't I be supported in my clinical judgment?  And if I'm not supported, then shouldn't we dialogue about what to do with this client other than discard her altogether and move on? All I want to do is scream in this supervisor's face and call her out for her self-serving, non-compassionate, demeaning treatment of people. See? Anger.

After a lot of processing with my intuitive and compassionate friend, she helped me to see that my anger stems from robbed of my values.  I told someone they can come for services and I gave them my word.  I GAVE THEM MY WORD! Then I had to take it back not because I believed in what was being done, but by force and by the difference in power. I HAVE to do what this supervisor says regardless of how little respect I have for her.  She sucks, to say the least.  Nothing in our decision-making process was collaborative, empowering, or even focused on the needs of the client. And me?  She treated me like some minion who must follow her command without a) gathering information about the client other than paperwork and b) explaining to me why we were not able to see her.

I realize that this work experience highlights my loneliness in a different domain. It's normal and expected for me to recruit and screen a bunch of clients for our clinic.  That reflects well on the clinic and gives everyone pride. But if ever something goes wrong, my head is on the chopping block.  I'm blamed and I'm given the entire responsibility without anyone even bothering to explain/educate/train me.  It sucks because I'm a student that is IN-TRAINING.

A more official title for me would be that I'm going through life "in-training".