Changes

One of my closest friends in this entire world is pregnant.

She told me this while we were shopping for bridesmaid shoes this weekend. With one purse in hand, she casually announced that she's actually 8 weeks pregnant and that I was correct when I joked about it weeks ago when she was fretting over her missed period.

Approaching their 2 year wedding anniversary next month, this is a wonderful surprise for her and her husband.  As with any surprise, she wasn't expecting this bundle of joy and had cried when she first learned the news.  Understandably so, she cried because of the surprise and fear and shock and all of the mixed emotions a mommy presumably feels when she finds out there is a little peanut growing inside her.

I am so happy for her.  This friend of mine is the equivalent of a sister, and I also adore her husband and their relationship altogether. Simply being in their presence rejuvenates me and I love their dynamic, their home, their ease, and their love... I randomly show up at their place sometimes and I am always welcome.  We sit and talk in the living room and her husband will whip up something yummy in the kitchen to give us space to chat.  They are not perfect, of course. Their relationship hasn't always been easy.  They've had tough times and have spent a great deal of time working together and are in a stable place to have a baby.

So, this is such good, happy, wonderful news.  But it is actually affecting me more than I could have ever imagined. I'm overjoyed for her really, but I'm still trying to explore the mixed feelings that I have inside.  I am happy for her, really.  But a part of me also feels a tad nervous and scared. Selfishly speaking, I'm terrified of the changes that will be happening from now on.  She is a mommy now, and I can't just randomly call her to cry, vent, or just to talk.  As it is, her hormones are going crazy and she is feeling exhausted all the time and ready to hit the hay at 8pm.  No more random drop-ins, I think. No more sleepovers, I'm sure.  Probably a lot less girls nights, and most importantly, less friend-time because the priority now is on the baby, and there is so much to do: now and after the baby arrives!

So, on the one hand, I'm so excited to be an auntie and to go crib shopping, clothes shopping, and whatever it is shopping that she needs. We already hit-up a few stores and had so much fun looking at baby clothes. Other other hand, I am anxious about the changes to come.  The first time I caught B. cheating, she was the first person I called and the person I hung out with that night-- crying and then going to the movies together before I was able to go home.  The second time he got caught cheating, it was actually her that saw him with another woman.  That night, she slept-over at my house partly for suicide-watch (kidding! sort of) but mostly to keep me company to remind me that I am not alone.  It is INCREDIBLY selfish for me to focus on ME right now, but what if I need her in the future?  What if I have another devastating event happen and wish for a sleepover?  She is a mommy now and I absolutely positively cannot make her schlepp to my house at night to cry with me.  Can I even tell her sad things now? In the past, she has cried with me when she has seen me in pain, and she has experienced with me so viscerally.  I cannot let her cry or hurt with me because then the baby will be hurt.  So does that mean I can't really go to her as a friend anymore?

I may be a bit overdramatic with this, but I can't stop myself from feeling scared about all the changes to come.