Harmony

In the past few years, I have begun to realize how hard I work to strive for harmony in social situations.
Whether it is with family, with friends, with acquaintances, and even strangers, I work hard to maintain harmony amongst the group, and have often been the mediator in intense, unhappy, and conflict-ridden situations.

Such a good skill to have, isn't it?

Except that oftentimes, it's hard for me to be authentic or genuine when I should be upset.  When someone wrongs me, attacks me, hurts me, I typically swallow my feelings and push them aside for the sake of harmony.  I don't want conflict.  I don't want to hurt another's feeling.  I don't want discord, unhappiness, I don't want to create any ripples in the water.  So I smile and push forward.  Only afterwards, in the comfort of my own privacy, do I allow my suppressed feelings to slowly come out.

As an example, I was thoroughly insulted by an acquaintance over a lunch meeting we had two weeks ago.  Under the guise of trying to "help me", she used herself as an example and began to say that she sees me as being similar to her and having the same weaknesses.  First of all, this lady does not know me.  So it was very unclear why she thought we were the same; much less why she thought she had all of the answers to fix me.  I was furious the entire time, and  I saw 2 potential scenarios that could happen:

1) Pound the table angrily and respond with the emotional intensity that I am feeling.  AKA, it's OK to scream at her to say, "HOW DARE YOU?  Who the heck do you think you are?  You don't know me!  Give me one instance of the accusation you are making.  You can't, can you?  Then shut the F up and don't go accusing people when you know nothing about them.

2) Nod politely. Let her go on, and allow whatever happens to happen.  Say nothing, defend nothing, explain nothing.  She's not worth it.  But be respectful and be the bigger person.  Part on good terms and make sure to never ever ever meet with her again.

In the end, I resorted more to scenario 2, although I devoted a great deal of time explaining myself to her (but why should I?) and using it as an educational tool to show her that it's better to ask people questions rather than accuse them based on her assumptions.  I was VERY cool and VERY calm and I was VERY patient throughout.  I actually went in the other direction and validated her for some of the questions she had even though deep down, I could not believe how rude, assumptive, and insulting she was.  When we left the restaurant, I actually hugged her and said to her, "Aw, this was nice, we should do this again"-- even though that is the last interaction I want to have with her... ever.

So, why did I do that end up being SO nice to her?  I've been thinking about it over the past week and it occurs to me that overcompensating for her rudeness is my way of maintaining some sort of control in our situation.  I maintained harmony.  I didn't hurt her feelings.  And if I were a 3rd person observing our 2-person lunch, I would say that I intervened and became the mediator between my scenario #1 self and her.

I certainly pat myself on my back for remaining calm, civil, understanding and patient.  I had told myself that it was a very good teaching opportunity, so as a teacher, I would say hurray! I succeeded.  On the other hand, I failed too, I think.  I was not genuine in expressing my feelings since I pushed down every single bit of my anger, frustration, and hurt.  I tucked it waaay down and still, to this day, I don't know how I could have let it out in a healthy way.

Much like how it usually happens, I generally process afterwards. After I left the restaurant, I promptly climbed in my car and called two very dear friends and colleagues to tell them about what happened.  They completely understood how pissed I felt and they were in utter shock about what was said to me.  They were as livid as me and they were also offended for me.  Hearing all that did the trick and afterewards, I felt better.  I journaled too, but the dissolving my feelings came-- just like it always does-- when someone else understood me and validated me for the reaction I had.

So, now my feelings are processed and I am just fine.  Next time I see this acquaintance, I'll continue to be civil, but I'll certainly avoid her.  My lingering concern, however, is why I can't react in-the-moment and be my true, authentic, emotional self. In romantic relationships as well, I realize that even when B. was mean, and even after I caught him cheating or after fights that we would have, I would actually overcompensate and be super duper nice when deep down I should (and am) hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken. Why do I compensate then and experience feelings of intensified love when I should be nursing my own pain instead?

Is it for harmony?  Whose harmony?