...versus Reality

... Except that Don isn't the antidote, and he would be like a tiny band-aid covering up a festering wound.

... And Don can't turn back time, and he himself is likely to have changed in the past 2 years, to have moved on, to do new things, meet new people, have new relationships.

... Oh, and Don hasn't called me back.  THAT is the reality check that is hard to live with.


... The other burst in my bubble is that Don is not who I think he is.  He is not who I fantasize him to be.  I don't even know Don and yet I've mapped out our reunion, our conversations, our epiphany that we shouldn't have dated others.  I have mapped out what our future could look like, and what a relationship with him would be like.

All the while, I actually know very very little about Don.

So, the reality is that I have shifted my painful reality (post-break-up) into a romantic fantasy about a reunion love with a stranger.  I can only write this NOW having taken an entire week to go through the process of waiting for him to call, being obsessed about him for days, and then realizing eventually that what I was doing wasn't normal nor healthy.

The truth is this (and I have to keep reminding myself):
- I don't know who Don is.
- Don probably doesn't remember me.
- 2 years is a long time and you can't just pick-back-up (and expect him to do the same)
- I am actually grieving and need to continue to grieve the reality.  I need to stop fantasizing about another potential love and using it to cover up my current pain.  There is saying in grief therapy:  "Whatever you don't work through, works through you!"--- so it really doesn't benefit me to run away.


Still, I'm hurting, and strangely enough, it's not B. who is causing the damage this time around.

It's ME.  It's MY coping strategy that isn't working, MY discomfort with sitting in my pain, and MY obsession over something that doesn't exist. Like this blog intended, I am working on ME and my issue now has absolutely nothing to do with B. It is liberating to know that I'm working on me and that the problems come from me and not someone else.  It's simultaneously sad because I so desperately wanted validation from B. when we were together for him to admit that HE ruined our relationship, HE hurt me, and that HE was the villain.

But it's not about him anymore, it's about me.