dontfreakout dontfreakout dontfreakout

Do.
Not.
Freak.
Out. 

That has been running through my mind for the last hour.

Is this how I'm going to live for the rest of my life? Freaked out every single time I don't hear back from my Jay or from any other person I possibly date?

Jay was incredibly tired last night so he texted me a kissy face and said took a short nap. I later texted him a picture of Easter eggs I made with friends' kiddos over the weekend. I made one with his initials as the design! But I didn't hear back from him afterwards.

Fast-forward to today and I've been crazy-busy! I also finally got a referral for a physical therapy (PT) appointment today. Why did I avoid this for as long as I did? My session was amazing. I feel tremendously better and cannot wait to go back. This ol' body of mine is no longer as tightly wound and aching as it was before. Anyways, back to my emotional internal drama....

After my PT session, I texted Jay to tell him about my awesome experience and it's been hours since, He is radio silent. He remains an orange dot on gchat.

During times like this, my heart feels like it constricts. I feel my stomach plummet. I have difficulty catching my breath, and my heart pounds loudly because it is accelerates so quickly. A burning sensation fills my core-- oh, hello ulcer.

As a kid, I had this reaction whenever my mom left the house without us children. I always feared she was trying to shake-us-off to run away. I would wonder if I'd ever see her again. I'd fantasize the possibility of her escaping from us. The alternative possibility was her dying in a devastating accident. I used to stand outside of my house crying and waiting for the traumatic news that I would never see her again: either because of an accident, or because she ran away.

The same panic sets into me now when I don't hear back from Jay, or any romantic partner.

What is wrong with me?

I know that my anxiety is so deeply rooted in childhood, and I've gone to therapy to discuss this. But how do I get rid of it? How do I overcome it? How do I stop it from consuming me?  I have no clue.  If I knew, then I would do everything in my power to make sure I don't feel this way again.