Setback

I read my last entry and began to cry.
I felt sorry for myself. Sad about my history. Heartbroken that I experienced and continue to have flashback experiences of such fear and helplessness.

Being "discovered" by B. is like being "caught" when running away from someone chasing you down. I feel so vulnerable and scared. It's no wonder I'm experiencing such a setback in my productivity this week.

For all I know, B. was just curious to look up my name and see what I'm doing these days. Now that he knows, he is very likely to be laughing at me, actually. Last time we saw each other, he had gotten a job in New York City, and has therefore achieved his dream of being in a big city. Even when we were in grad school together, he always mocked where we were and called it a "village" even though it clearly wasn't.  He's definitely laughing at me now and thinking I live in a completely rural community.

I don't mind that much, actually. I don't particularly care what he thinks. Sure, my ego might be a bit bruised, but I'm happy for the most part. I didn't want to be in New York city. I had the option of going there for a job, but I knew he was there and I also did not want that kind of lifestyle.

Here's one perk of being in a small town. He won't come down to find me because he'll never "be in the neighborhood" for any reason other than to find me. And if that's the case, then that would be my biggest fear come true. Yes. You read right. It is one of my biggest fears to see him because he denies hearing anything he doesn't want to hear. He has no respect for any of my feelings. And he has walked over me, crushed me, and manipulated me in every way possible.
So many examples come to mind:

• He told me once, before I went to work, that I should not wear big belts because I am "short and chubby" and a belt would cut my length in half. He said that the big belt look is for models who are tall and skinny and therefore it is not flattering for me at all.
• He punished me when I ate food that I loved because he didn't like to kiss me afterwards. He would turn his face away from me or push me away until I did exactly what he wanted.
• In the bedroom, he told me that "American girls are lazy; they just lay around."  That was his way of conveying to me that I was part of a inferior culture and that I was one of many many women for him; especially one that wasn't doing it good enough for him.
• He did not respect me anytime I said no. He forced me against my will even when I explicitly said no. No to: being poked, tickled, having sex when I didn't want to, cook a meal at 11pm because he was manic and had excess energy, go for liquor runs even though I hated doing that...

All of this hits me now and I feel so completely drained. What a setback.