Second time crying

My 2nd crying experience came on the heels of my 1st!

It happened on Sunday, after Jay and I attended a BBQ event for a work even with my colleagues. While we were there, people asked about his graduation date and his post-graduation plans and I was jolted back into reality and his impending departure in a few months. Over the last few weeks, I've had so much fun that I forgot he would be graduating and leaving at some point. Later on one of my friends' colleagues started referred to his job offer in Europe and spend the rest of the night encouraging him to take the job so that Jay can offer him a free place to stay when he visits. The conversation did not end there. In fact, when it was clear that I was in earshot of their conversation, this person had the audacity to say: "uh oh, I better stop encouraging you because Sher is going to kill me for telling you to go!"  Still, he continued to make comments throughout the night-- and even made things serious when he said to Jay: "It's clear that this opportunity in Europe is better for you and will help your career more."

I was calm. I did not react throughout the BBQ. 

Afterwards, When we got home, I asked Jay if Europe was a real possibility.  "It is a possibility," he murmured. Then, I asked if that was what he wanted for his next career move. "I'd much rather be in the U.S." he responded, as he sat down on the couch, ready to turn on the TV. As I sat next to him, tears started sliding down my face and he quickly realized my mood change. "Why are you upset?" he asked in disbelief? 

Um.. why? My head reeled as I thought about a logical answer to his question:

• Because you're literally physically leaving me
• Because our relationship will totally change and we won't see each other every weekend anymore
• Because this change isn't temporary-- who knows what will happen after next year
• Because there is a difference between being long-distance domestically and long-distance internationally
• Because we haven't talked about this change
• Because I don't know what's happening: when you're leaving, how long you're leaving for, where you'd like to go, how you feel
• Because I don't know what you think about all of this
• Because I don't know where I fit in your schedule and life-change
• Because what if you change and no longer want me?
• Because what if hurt me in the same way Robert hurt me when we were in a long-distance relationship?

My brain reeled and reeled. All I could say was, "I don't know what will happen to us" and in response, Jay squeezed my chin and tried to lift my face up as he said "I love you, I think we're great together and I want to stay together. I don't want this to change..."

In that moment, 2 contrasting thoughts and emotions flashed through me:

1. Yay! He's saying he loves me for the first time ever without me saying it 1st! He wants to stay together and he's assuming we'll make it work, no matter what!
2. Those words mean nothing to me. The last time someone said to me, "... but I love you" was when B. used that as an excuse over and over when confronted by his infidelity. Those 3 little words have lost their meaning and impact on me. Unless they're backed by action, it's an excuse to do horrific, heartbreaking, devastating things to me. It's a band-aid on a castrated body part. It does nothing to stop the bleeding. It has no effect on the pain and loss of a limb and nerves and gushing blood.

In the end, I said nothing because the analytical part of me took-over. I wiped away my tears and realized that I couldn't ask from him what I wanted the most. What could he possibly offer that could make me feel better? What could I actually ask from him that he can give to me? 

• "Can you promise not to hurt me in the same way the others have, in the past?"
• "Can you promise me never to cheat on me?"
• "Can you promise never to disappear-off-the-face-of-the-earth from me?"
• "Can you promise not to break my heart?"
• "Can you promise to make me relive any kind of pain or trigger any kind of sadness?"

How is it fair to make him pay the price of pain that has been inflicted from someone else?

I can't ask from Jay any of those things, and he can't offer any guarantees to me, either. Relationships are about faith, trust, and belief, and that's what I need to rely on. I have to accept the ambiguity of our relationship, and accept there's nothing I can do to ensure certainty for this relationship.

As I reminded myself to live in the present and be considerate of what he can and cannot offer me, I settled more into by body and into the realization of not-knowing. I told Jay that my previous relationships have really impacted me and that my 2-year long-distance relationship ended in a way where there was no closure; hence it's so upsetting to think of the distance. I volunteered this piece of me and my history because it was all I could offer him without resorting to those questions above. What I said aloud was objective, factual, and rational. It was not me demanding promises from him. I disclosed this history because it is a history that haunts me and it is the root of my fear and anxiety of being abandoned-- again.

Over the weekend, I've shared with Jay, as much as I can about my relationship history. It's raw, unarticulated, painful stories that make me feel drained, vulnerable, and simultaneously understood. I didn't plan any of this. But it also didn't proceed impulsively or callously. My words and my emotions are the best that I have to offer him so that he can have a glimpse into me and the inner workings of my heart and brain. I couldn't have shared this with him in a more coherent way, and it was the least emotional I could have been. He saw the most rational version of me while I was emotionally intense and chaotic inside.