Diminishing Anger

While walking to my car today, I thought about B. and wondered how he was doing.  Over the last few weeks, I've stopped thinking about him.  More specifically, I stopped having strong feelings for him, whether it is heartache, anger, disgust, or any other form of intense emotion.

As I was walking today, I realized I don't care about him.  I don't care whatsoever.  Now that's a weird feeling to have.  I've never experienced apathy towards someone before!

So I went one step further to test myself some more.  I wondered to myself,  what if he were depressed and living a very sad life right now?  Would you care then?  To which, I was surprised to find that my answer was no!

Now that is unusual.

In the past, whenever I think about an ex being less fortunate than me, my overwhelming feelings of pity will rise above me and I will start thinking about them.  Is he OK?  What's wrong?  Does he need me? Should I be there to make his life better?  Would my presence increase the quality of his life?  If so, then how can I be so far away and unavailable?  How can he live without me? I have to reach out to him.

Strangely enough, I didn't have these feelings toward B. today and I am pretty certain that he is OK and that he will be OK.  Granted, he struggles with depression, I'm sure.  Heck, he struggles with a myriad of issues probably including an eating disorder as well as episodes of mania. It's actually because of these reasons that I stuck-around so long and gave him so many chances.  Because he is so unstable, I thought that he just needed more patience, love, and understanding from me.  At the outset, I didn't realize that his unhealthiness was taking a toll on me.  I hadn't fully recognized the mental unhealthiness he was inflicting onto me. As though I didn't have enough baggage of my own to begin with!

So! Today, I feel liberated from my previous patterns of recalling an ex-boyfriend. I'm not concerned with his mental health and I have no desire to save him from his own emotional roller coaster ride.  Gone are my tendencies to be a savior to a loved one.  No longer do I feel the compulsion to rush to his side to tend to his weaknesses and nurse him back to health.  I don't have to do that.  I don't want to do that.  I don't need to do that.  It's not expected of me to do that.

I suppose my anger is still there, it's just diminished these days.  I can finally accept B. for who he is these days. I now know that if B. is feeling low, he will not let himself be alone any longer than he needs to.  He will drink until he blacks out.  And he will destroy his house in his drunken stupor and become physically violent without knowing it.  He will certainly find some random woman to sleep with. It's not an emotional connection that he wants, just a warm body in the middle of the night.  He does not want a soulmate, just sex.  Just someone that will keep the loneliness at bay. As soon as he's done with her, he'll move on.  He'll immerse himself into his professional work and discard her like an object until he's lonely next time.  By then, he will have found another woman to objectify.  Another woman to use and abuse.  It's sad, really. Deep down, B. will be perpetually lonely in his heart.  But in physical terms, he will never be, because he is constantly fishing.  He has multiple hooks out at all times and he is always baiting, baiting, and baiting some more.  When he senses movement on one line, he pursues her.  And if another line wiggles, he will seek her out too.  He is constantly on the hunt, preying on women, seeking unlimited companionship from whoever will bite on his line.  That is the lifestyle he wants and that's what he's familiar with. Who's to say that my attempts to living a meaningful life is what he wants?  Who's to say that everyone wants a meaningful relationship like I do?

Accepting who B. is gives me enough anger, hurt, and acceptance (of reality) to stop caring and to stop have intense emotions associated with him.  That's part of the healing process, right?