Falling out of love

My closest friend in the world, Ana, called me today for our regular chat/update.  She told me about her co-worker being dumped by her boyfriend of 5 years.  The boyfriend had told her that he had fell-out-of-love with her and that he wanted to end the relationship. The breakup happened over the weekend on Saturday, and even though it is now Tuesday, her co-worker continues to be in disbelief and will call him to say, "Honey, when are we going to pick out the Christmas tree together?"  What's worse is that it is the holiday season and they are supposed to spend Christmas together with her family. During the break-up, she had asked him how recent his feelings had changed, and he said that he knew it was over before Thanksgiving!  She was in disbelief because they had gone to visit his family over Turkey day and he had acted like nothing was wrong. Things were like they had always been.

Meanwhile, Ana tells me that the red flags had always been there. The couple had been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of their 5 year relationship and he only recently moved to the same city.  After about a month of living together, he had insisted on getting his own place and even told her that he wanted to have date night only once per week.  He frequently told her to hang out with her friends instead, and to do her own thing instead of be with him.  He seemed overly insensitive and even mean to her. And she seemed accommodating, perhaps even too accommodating because she would simply accept his requests/demands and just say OK, OK, OK.

Hearing this story made me think twice about Robert and to wonder if maybe, just maybe, he simply fell-out-of-love with me but didn't have the courage to say it.  Maybe he hasn't thought of me at all in the past 7 years and instead feels a great sense of relief for not being with me.  I thought about an article I recently read about "carpetbombing"-- a term that refers to a person breaking up with someone else by being as mean as possible so that the dumpee will not feel any regret or desire to be together again.  It's an approach to break that person's heart so they will hate you and not want reconciliation. Supposedly, it's a less guilty way for the dumper to create the breakup because the devastated will be too angry to be hurt.

Did Robert do that to me?  And did that happen to Ana's coworker, as well?

While my mind was reeling with these thoughts, Ana said she used my advice for her coworker by encouraging her friend to work on herself, figure out what she wants, and develop a stronger sense of self-concept that isn't defined by this guy who broke her heart.  Such good advice right?  It surprised me that I came up with that, when all I could think of then, is whether Robert fell-out-of-love with me.

As I was taking a long, hot shower tonight, I thought about this issue some more and created a 4th and new scenario that I had never considered before:

Scenario 4a and Scenario 4b) Robert fell-out-of-love with me 7 years ago, but did not have the courage to admit it. He became more impatient and angry with me towards the end of our relationship because that is what happens when your feelings change. When they decrease so drastically, you can't help but care less and less about their feelings and you focus more on what you want instead.  He wanted OUT of the relationship and he is content with life now.

Alternatively Robert may have also tried to "carpetbomb" our relationship by being an asshole at the end and hope that he pissed me off enough to hate him and never look back.  Regardless of whether he fell out of love and just wanted it to be over or if he purposefully wanted to hurt me, the point is that he didn't want to be in the relationship and doesn't want to be in-touch now. Should we see each other now, he would find it awkward because he just wants to be left-alone.  He has neither positive nor negative feelings for me.  It's a matter of history. At times, he has positive memories and can look back at "us" with sentimental feelings and he may smile.  But "we" are not in the present and "we" will never be in the future.  He hopes I'm well, but that's as far as it goes. In the event that he purposefully "carpetbombed" our relationship, then he may have some feelings of guilt.  But that's no reason for reconciliation and that's not even close to wanting to know each other again.

I hate scenarios 4a and 4b.

It's no wonder Ana's friend continues to be in denial about their break-up.

I've been in denial for 7 years!