Blast from the past

Here's a journey entry that I wrote approximately 4 years ago when I emailed Robert after feeling so re-traumatized because he "forgot to call" me and couldn't care less about my existence. This entry reminds me of how tired and exhausting it is to love someone who is apathetic about you. To care about someone who doesn't even see you.

I did all that I could to reach out to him. I had to know that there was no holding back and that I was following my heart through-and-through. I did my best with him. I even chased after him 4 years later. Even then, he gave me nothing in return. I gave it my all. And I had to live with the fact that there was nothing more I could have done to change the situation.


"have you ever poured your heart out before? to the point that you're maxxed out and can't imagine any other way to express yourself? and then one day, you realize that you've finally reached your limit, trekked to the end of your own border, and really truly cannot go beyond the pages anymore because the gap is too wide and and you simply cannot go any farther?

it's a completely draining experience that i'm talking about... but in almost a positive light because FINALLY, you can't wonder if there's anything else you could have done. you know for a fact that you will never look back and wonder "COULD I HAVE DONE MORE? SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED THERE? WHY WASN'T I TRUE TO MY HEART?" because finally, there's nothing in you anymore. Not a drop a left, nothing to be wrung out for you to give anymore.  It's like... you've finally defeated yourself.

everyone has a limit. and it's taken me years to reach mine.

im all out of this kinda love."