Day 7 Back Home

As I continue to embrace the good and bad about my first romantic relationship, I decide to re-visit our most recent correspondence via email.  A few years ago, I impulsively called Robert out-of-the-blue and said I needed to know why. We had already been broken up for 4 years but I had been so emotionally unavailable that I knew I had to know why before I could move forward.

In that conversation, he told me a bunch of things that were hectic and dramatic in his life. And in turn, I immediately moved toward sympathy and empathy. I wanted to ask him, "SO? WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH US?"  But I didn't because I thought about the challenges he's endured on his own and how exhausted he must be.  I asked how he was doing then and he said that he's somewhat depressed and rarely making it out of the house, even.  He showed me his super ubtanned arm and said, Look! I'm never even in the sun.

Naturally, I offered to take a walk with him so we can get some Vitamin D in his system.  He consented to the idea, but I knew deep down, he only said yes to placate me.  He said he'd call me-- which he never did-- and of course, I was broken-hearted. It took another several weeks, tons of drafts, and a whole boatload of courage to write him a very long and emotional email about feeling abandoned (ah, isn't that the essence of our relationship?).  And his response? "Sorry, I forgot. I also didn't have your phone number."

I was so disappointed and dejected by his email.  But that was when we also began sending emails.  A few sentences here and there, a paragraph every now and then.  But our email correspondance was always initiated by me.  And he was always the one passively responding to questions.  So, in time, I stopped writing.  And of course, so did he.

As I read through Robert's emails which are quite superficial in content and length, I happen upon my email folder filled with all of the emails that B. used to send me.  B. used to write me super romantic emails as well as lust-filled emails that made me feel utterly desired and precious. His intentions were dramatic, emotional, sexy, and intense. Such a stark contrast to Robert's!  Looking back at B.'s emails, however, I feel sick, though.  I don't feel nostalgic or reminiscent. I'm not even sad that I don't get emails like that anymore.  I feel, actually... grossed out.  Disturbed, even!  Whereas his words conveyed passion, they were just words. Fake words. Fake Words that he spewed to any woman, me being just one of the many.

In retrospect, I realize that I always wished Robert cared more for me.  I wished he was hot for me. Red-hot.  I always felt like Robert was a lukewarm person.  He was neither hot nor cold, he just was.  You could not get anything out of him that was extreme or even dramatic.  Do you know what his motto was under our senior pictures? "Whatever happens, happens."  How's that for a passive guy?

Fighting with Robert was also like fighting with a brick wall. He never said much, and his expressions gave away nothing.  I remember crying during our fights, and Robert always had no reaction other than looking down. At one point in time, I had yelled at him and said "I'm crying! How can you have no reaction whatsoever?"  With Robert, I always craved more passion, intensity, excitement, and also, lust. I wished Robert would just... want me.  In contrast, B. gave me all of that and more.  He gave me romance (at first), he set the scenes as though they were from movies, and he was incredibly hot but also incredibly cold too. Being with B. was like riding an emotional roller coaster all the time.  He was very moody, very much an alcoholic, very much a womanizer, very much a disordered eater.  In short, B. went to extremes in every way possible, sometimes being very depressed and other times appearing manic and unable to settle down.

Perhaps this is where I can appreciate B. for his existence in my life.  I'm not fully there yet, being able to look at him as a meaningful experience yet. But I guess he gave me what I always craved.  He gave it to me in excess so I now know that it's not enough.  Perhaps I got it in excess to know that white-hot passion isn't always the true indicator of how someone feels for you.  Comparing Robert and B. side-by-side makes me feel like I under-appreciated all of the good things Robert gave me.  Did I overlook his feelings for me in his subtlety?  Did I feel "less loved" because he didn't say all the right things, do all the right things?  I guess these questions are all moot considering he's the one that left, not me.